It's been a hard day!!!

Thank you kitchenfloor and Big Mama for your replies.

Yes, there are very traumatic memories from my childhood. My father's anger was very explosive and I was the victim or witness to it many times. Those memories are the ones where I see them as an observer and the TV turns off before the event reaches the end.

My counselor and I have been talking about the tingling in my hands and feet and it happening during my session time. There was session that I shared something that had happened, and my feet and fingers were tingling so much it was almost like they were vibrating. I have very vague memories of that session, and what I do remember is fragments and pieces. I actually experienced a flashback during that time, but didn't realize it until days later. It was as if what we were talking about, overlapped onto where I was. I know I was there. I know I was talking. But, that was not me. It is very disturbing even now, to share it with you.

It seems that maybe the tingling is like a part of me that is like a shadow, kind of like a protector if I get in "too deep" then it's like a zip line that totally dissociates me. I barely remember driving home, but I did. It seems to always start on my way to his office, at different levels depending what's going through my mind. There is no fear in me that I can identify. I feel very safe talking with him.

Big Mama - I totally relate to what you are saying about being dissociated and still just going through the motions. I spend a LOT of my time these days, in that exact place. Sometimes it's stronger than others, and I've most probably been like that most of my life. I'm just now learning to identify it. I hope that I can get to the place where I can tell myself "No" and not go there.

It happens quite often, when I am writing in my journal or if I get really stressed out. I look at my hands, and they don't seem to be mine. THAT'S a really weird feeling!!

I've also recently realized, that I apparently do things that I am not aware of. I've had a couple of conversations with my youngest son, that I have no memory of and a few other things that have happened when I was (I thought) asleep. Still working on processing that.

I've also picked up on the body memory sensations a couple of times. It happens and my mind seems to focus directly on it, and tell me what it is. It's a comfort that I am able to sort that out and realize what it is.

The neurofeedback sounds really interesting. I would love to know how it works for you!

I hope all of this makes sense! There was so much I wanted to say and share.

Thank you KitchenFloor and Big Mama!!!

Big Mama - My husband is also a black and white thinker. A Jeckle and Hyde type person.

You hear that little girls look for men and marry men like their daddies and I believe that I am I agreement with that. I have been questioning the truth behind that statement though. Do little girls marry their daddies or do they turn the men they marry into men like their daddies, because that is what they grew up with and what they know? Does that make sense? Kind of a "which came first" debate.

There was a situation that happened between us that started me on this road. I actually experienced myself split during the process of it. That's been about 3 years ago. I believe that I am gradually becoming stronger and my h has had some trouble adjusting to some of the new me. Other parts of me are still very cautious. I pray in time those parts strengthen also.

I believe he is concerned and he has learned a lot about my upbringing that he did not know. Some he hears and takes in, some he makes no note of. Not sure if that is him feeling his inability to do anything about it, or I could be talking to Mr Hyde at those times.

His explosive anger sends me "away" and I'm working on how to stop that from happening. That's going to take some work and courage. Righteous anger is corrective. I'm learning to say that in my head with conviction.

Thanks for hearing me.

I've been quite about this and it feels really freeing to state it.



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Hi TrailRunner.

I was thinking about what you said about little girls looking for the same kind of relationship they had with there dad when they look for a mate. I recently bought a book called "The Betrayal Bond." It is a book about why we stay in toxic relationships and why we go from one toxic relationship to anther toxic relationship. Ex. An abusive father, to a abusive relationship or two, to a abusive marriage. I didn't realize my H was so much like my dad until I left my H for a temporary separation and I went to live with my mom and dad. (me and my two kids moved in with my parents) I saw my dad do so many things that were so wrong to my mom. My mom even told me, "I know what abuse is, and this is abuse" when my dad was mean to her. It become so much more clear as an adult that I married a man jsut like my dad. Sinical, purposeful with his words, and hurtful on purpose, and very controlling. I guess as a kid I jsut didn't realize it. I was a kid ya know, it was all that I knew.

Much like you, my H had no idea of my up bringing. 2 years ago, I alluded to the fact that I may have been sexually abused by some of my male relatives. Only a year earlier (after we had been married for 18 years) I told my H that I was brainwashed and groomed for a premeditated form of abuse. I was lured into rape and I was raped every weekend for 9 months. I didn't walk away because of the grooming and brain washing that had taken place. I was 15 at the time of the rape. My H had no idea. I couldn't tell him, for a long time I hid it from myself as well as him. But when the time came it really came and hit me hard. OK. sorry I am getting off subject. I remember the subject now, my H had no idea I had the past that I did. He had no idea of my family's issues.

My H has OCD, and may even have aspergers. (an autism spectrum disorder) I have a highly sensitive personality (HSP) Sor for me many things are x 10 or x100. Like the radio being on 5 sounds like it is on 20 to me somedays. Clothes that are not soft feel like wool to me, very scratchy. When my H raises his voice it sounds like he is yelling at me. When he shows an angry body language I automatically see and fear physical harm. Part of that is the PTSD and hypervigilance due to the PTSD. It is very hard for me to gage what is real and what is perceived. I was yelled at alot as a kid, my dad yelled at my mom alot as a kid, I lived with my grandma for a short time and my uncle drink heavily and beat my grandma. I was witness to lots of yelling and screaming and out of control emotions. I simply cannot be yelled at. I can;t be spoken to harshly.

I have learned a lot in T though. My H has learned to stay across the room from me when we discuss things that are tence. He has learned to set in the floor and let me sit in a chair or on the bed. That puts me at a height advantage and I feel less threatened.

He has learned not to block the doorway. He has learned what ever you do, GOD what ever you do don't touch me if the environment is hostile. I find it an immediate threat and think it is my abuser.

I am so glad you found this site. I hope it will be as helpful to you as it has to me. And you are right about saying it, it really is freeing to speak the truth.

Hello. I really get what your are saying and how things go in a day of 'losing yourself' and functioning on auto pilot. I hope you are good to yourself. SElf care i so importand you deserve to be treated kindly. Take care. Thanks for your insights.

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It has been such a relief and gift to have found this site.

Yes, my husband is not a supportive part of what I am walking through. Some days I can talk, lightly, about it and he is receptive to what I'm saying. On hard days, he can see that something is not quite right and wants to know what is bothering me. There have been several times that I have shared with him, only to have it misunderstood as me blaming him for the way I was triggered and reacted to something. It's like walking through a land mine. I believe he wants to understand, but he can't wrap his mind around it. I have to say, that was "me" at the beginning of my journey and it put me in MY "kitchen floor" several times trying to wrap my brain around it. Hopefully, understanding for him will come.

The running away... That comes, as you said, when I feel overwhelmed and I feel very alone. It's kind of funny, I want to get in my car and just drive until it runs out of gas, then the thought comes "Where would I end up?" That's kind of scary in that moment so the running away get's put on the back burner. One day, maybe, I'll just do it and see where it takes me.

Thank you again for your thoughts and hearing me.

Hi Big Mama.

OK. So, I read your previous reply lastnight and my mind spun along with the room. Again, we seem to be living the same life.....

Thank you for sharing the book with me, that will be a definite purchase for me. Yes, abusive father, abusive relationships on to where I am now. It came as a shock to me, 2 years ago, to actually look at it all and realize that it was abuse. It really numbed me and crushed me to acknowledge it as what it was, and to speak the words out loud to my counselor. It was also empowering and freeing.... if that makes any sense.

My heart is so sad for what you experienced. I pray that God heals those places in your heart and spirit, and holds you close to His heart. There are some very fragmented images that did come to me. They were too much for my mind to handle. I lifted them up to God and he showed me in my spirit, that he burned them away. They are still there on the outskirts of my mind, but the feelings that were connected to them are gone. I pray he does that for you!

Growing up in an environment as we did, I believe we thought it was the way it was supposed to be. As you said, that was all that we knew. I had no knowledge of how things were supposed to be.

My husband's response to what I have shared with him, has been of no emotion. Sometimes he won't even look at me. To bring something out into the open, that has been hidden for so long, and have it basically "pushed aside as nothing" is devastating to my heart. There is freedom, somehow, in speaking out loud hurtful things that have been "put away" or hidden. To me, it takes the power away from them. I guess what I look for is either compassion or understanding. That is not his gift.

My husband is also VERY OCD, and I have seriously wondered if he had aspergers or if he's bi-polar. It's a crazy rollercoaster ride so much of the time. And like you, I am very sensitive. I have thought that came from growing up in the environment that I did. It's like a radar that is always on. I'm listening to the tone of his voice, watching the muscles on his face, the veins on his neck. I'm watching to see if he's scanning the room for something that needs to be picked up, straightened, dusted, etc. I believe this was a skill I acquired in my childhood. I'm really good at it, but it is extremely trying! If the radar picks up on something that doesn't seem quite right, a part of me jumps in to fix whatever is wrong, if it can't be fixed and the situation escalates, I'm basically out of there. Too much "input" will do the same thing, as well as someone getting too "up in my personal space."

Thank you for sharing what you have learned in T. I can completely relate to each one of them. Maybe I can try to use some of them. I don't do well in intense discussions. I usually dissociate. Maybe if there was a way to feel like I had some control that would calm things down. ? I really don't know how to have a productive argument with someone. Arguments usually mean anger and I don't do that well either. Hopefully, I will learn how to do that. Still learning to say - "Righteous anger is corrective."

Anger, to me, has always meant danger. Automatic response.

Hello. I think we all just want to fix what worng in our lives and your sharing helps us jsut as much as our posting ot you might help you. Take care.

Hello.

you mention anger being righteous and that righteous anger is ok. I wonder if you were brought up not to express any anger. In my own aprents house neither of my parents wanted to ehar anything that insinuated in any way that life in that house and they as aprents were anything but perfect. Even when someone hurt me outright I was expected to just take it. The environment was so emotionally neglectful and artifical. My parents drank and mentioning that was completely off the table. I was being abused sexually and that could not be addressed. If I got angry or expresed hurt when soemthing terrible was done to me then I was called bad or even crazy. This was a truly artifical environment and as I result very early on learned to shut up and give them what they wanted. Unfortunately this wasnt that great for me as a kid growing up. There was so much I couldnt understand, so much pain and punishment when I was so young and for nothing I could see.

I wanted to ask you if you ahve any of these expereinces in your background? It really blows me away that so many people who expereince mental illness were abused as children. I wonder what would happen if the parents were treated for their issues --if then the kids wouldnt always be the ones paying the price as it seems to be now. How can kids reacting to abuse be the sick one? IT always seemed to me that parents who abuse or allow others to abuse and exploit their children are the sick ones--but too often no one steps in to do a thing about this.

These are just my thoughts, but what you say -like the words of so many others who were hurt as little kids---truly makes me wonder..

Take care.

My T had me do some homework that ended up being really shocking. This was about a year ago or so. My T had me make my family tree. And for each relative listed put an x by there name if they were sexually abused or if they sexually abused someone else. That list became so scary. My mom most likely was told how terrible men were and how they abuse women and to be careful. My uncle did bad sexual things to me. My great uncle had two children by insest. My other great uncle had a son who raped his step daughter and got her pregnant. My other great uncle his son ..... never mind I can't even begin to go into the gross details. But needless to say, there were things that should have never happened. And it was passed down from generation to generation. All of my grandma's nephews were child sexual abusers. What happened to them to make them think that this was ok to do. Makes me wonder what my grandma likely endured or maybe even my mom. There is no wonder I have the past history that I do. Now that I know that history I need to keep my daughter safe. Thank goodness most of these men are dead or have no access to my daughter or me. Though there are a few living relatives who we should watch out for and I know who they are and so does my H and my parents.

You are right it is empowering to speak the truth.

My husbands response is more of a "here we go again" or "oh man more crap to get in the way." Usually when I say something about my past I get the big ole "That was then and this is now" speech. Sometimes I get the "WELL I DIDN'T DO THAT TO YOU SO QUIT TREATING ME LIKE I AM THE ONE WHO DID IT." I just want him to acknowledge what I have been threw. Maybe a nice that "that explains a lot" or "I'm sorry you had to suffer threw that" would be nice.

You mention the freedom of speaking it oput loud and how freeing that is. On one of the other sites I belong to, aftersilence, someone there told me something that helped me so much and still sticks in my mind which is surprising since so few things stick in my mind. She said write your story and put it here. You only have to say it once. But go back later and check and see how many people have read what you posted. A little piece of your story now lives with them, for they now know. And if they know and have taken a piece of your story with them, then that is less of your story for you to carry. That is so true. When I write my story once and 300 people have read it, then 300 people know my story and that much less of the hell lives within me. That is why I have put my story (stories) here on this site as well. I have also learned that talking about it just like you and I are right now, helps give our feelings words. We are no longer being held hostage by our own words and feelings. Just by simply sharing a little of our story it helps others realize they are not alone. That is where true healing begins.

We are very similar. My H and your H sound similar as well. I know my H has OCD, he more then likely has asperger's since my son has it and it is hereditary and a predominately male thing. The T thinks there is a chance that my H has a personality disorder as well, borderline maybe, narcissistic maybe. He is not interested in finding out and we can't really afford to find out financially. Even if we did the label wouldn't really change things.

Much like you I have become hypersensitive to my H. I can hear his truck coming down the road and I panic, so do my kids. I can tell by the shuffle of his feet whether he is in a good mood or not. I can tell form his footsteps weather it is him walking or one of my boys. The look on his face that I can see threw the window before he walks in the house speaks volumes. I know to stay out of his way or that it is ok to greet him. I to scan the room for things that will piss him off. A smudge on the glass top stove, a crumb on the counter, a cup out of place, the blinds are not closed, there is a coat hanging where it doesn't belong, why is the mail on the desk not inside it. I start panicking about an hour before he comes home. I stand at the door way and pretend to be him and look around and try to see what he might see and is gonna freak out about. When he does walk in the door I am already filled with panic and dread most of the time and that jsut sets the scene for disaster. If he doesn't go after me, then it is one of the kids. And I do what I can to "save" them even if that means turning his anger from them to me.

Thank you for sharing. Your upbringing in regards to anger and feelings are very similar to mine. I was tought at an early age and forever from then on out, that positive emotions were ok, but negative ones were not. You were wrong to feel hurt, sad, angry, unhappy, and board. These things made you a bad person. I also learned that my feelings didn't matter. Kids were seen and not heard. If something bad happened you jsut brush it under the table. My parents knew about some of the sexual abuse stuff, yet they still exposed me to individuals who had a history of doing that. My parents had hard proof that my uncle was a "sick" individual and did things that were not right to children yet they brushed that under the table to. I jsut learned that I didn't matter. They would not help me and they were not going to protect me. When the rapes occurred I never told my parents. Whats the use, they weren't going to stop it or do anything about it. They still don't know 25 years later.

Anger is an emotion that scares me. It is powerful, it sets off addrilinin, it causes people to say and do things that they otherwise would not have. When I am in an environment that is hostile I immediately walk away or avoid the situation all together. When I cannot avoid it, like if H and I have a heated discussion, I freeze. I usually cannot move, I cannot speak, A mental dialogue begins to go on in my head. (if I could only say this, or thats what you think, or liar, or you have no idea what you are talking about) But I can produce no words. Eventually after a point of absolute no return I can produce tears sometimes, and that is the only way I have to show/say this is to much. Often times my H will not stop talking to me and I just continue down my frozen path.

I have learned over time it is just easier to do what people say even if it is detrimental to me. Don't make people angry. Be a good girl and just do what they say it will only take a min, then you can go back to what you were doing. Other peoples feelings were always more important then your own is what I was taught.

My rapist used to tell me "See you put up all this effort into arguing with me and all these tears, we could jsut be done by now" in regards to sex. Unfortunately my H said those same words and that immediately made him my perpetrator a long time ago. And I just haven't seen him in any other light sexually speaking.

If my H became my perpetrator mentally, and my H is angry, and my H pushes me to that point of fight, flight or freeze, then there is no wonder this is not working.

None of my family seem to understand or even try to understand my diagnosis / behind the diagnosis. I gave up a long time ago and I feel so much resentment towards them. They still make very little to no effort to sit down and hear me out let alone hear what I'm saying not just listen.

That's why I'm here because I have no one offline who remotely understands me. It's horrible and it makes me feel awful, there's not a lot to say other than keep trying. If it's important to you, it should be important to your husband.

I hope you feel better.

angelo - you go where ever you are heard and understood and if that is here rather then people out in the world so be it. We all deserve to be heard, validated and cared about. This site will definitely help with that. WE understand.

I totally agree Angelo!

I have no one who understands but I've found great friendship and understanding here.

So glad you are here!

Big hug!!

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Thank you

Thank you for your kind words.

This site has been a great comfort to me, as I hope it will be for you. To be walking through what we experience and try to make sense of, alone, it too much for one person. I know what that feels like. Hug!

Hopefully understanding will come to the ones we are close to. That is my prayer. If not, then us gaining understanding and knowledge will give us courage and strength.

It will make us brave!!

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Thank you for telling me these parts of you. I am glad I can share parts of mine with you! That is so true about how sharing your story takes a bit of weight and loneliness from you. I felt it as I read that.

I'm so sorry for the panic you feel from your h presence. I can feel the tenseness you must experience. It's tiring isn't it! I go through all the prep work also before mine gets home. It's never enough though. I semi dissociate when he is around me. It's kind of like knowing bad weather could come and I'm standing watch with my hand in the door of the tornado shelter. Watching. Sorry! I see and talk in images and pictures.

Like you, I also get the response of "it's not my fault!" "I'm not going to take the blame for this!" He just looks emotionless and then the explosion comes. I've learned to basically keep it to myself and here. I've learned not to throw myself under the bus. I would love for him to hear me and understand. Show compassion or get angry for what happened TO me not angry AT me.

Maybe in time he will understand. If not, I pray I become strong enough to see and react differently. I believe I will!! I believe you will too!!

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I have been dealing with this for 22 years. Our anniversary is in June. But at the moment we are separated. I had enough. I could no longer walk around totally dissociated and crying, and afraid. I couldn't face him every day not knowing what to expect. I knew what to expect. To be yelled at, to be told I wasn't good enough and made to feel bad because he couldn't be what I needed. I was depressed. I slept most of the day and all night. I was awake maybe 6 hours out of every 24 hours. I gained a lot of weight. My BP was sky high.

I had to do something. With the help of my T, I was able to escape him. His OCD took a huge tole on our relationship the crazy things I had to do. Pick up dirty gravel out of the driveway, wash the mud off the grass, get the water spots off the floors, so many things it was jsut crazy. Since being gone I actually stay awake like a normal person. I have lost 25 lbs, and my BP is down 40 points.

Now people think I am crazy, and sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to, and unfortunately this insanity is all I have ever known. I am planning to go back to my husband. I am working on my stuff. My T always said you cannot work on your traumas and overcome your trauma while u are living in trauma. She is so right. I have come further in 6 months then I have in 3 years. (my H and I have been seperated for 6 months) My T has said she will not allow my kids to remain in that environment. If I go back she will call child protective services. She has said though that she will help me, and she will help my H. If she sees the necessary improvements in both of us on our own stuff and then each other in how we relate to each other. She will OK us getting back together. She will not call child protective services under that condition. I agreed. I obviously make poor decisions, ex. by staying in this mess for 22 years. If these conditions are met, and my H and I continue to see her for the next 6 mo to a year to make sure things are good she will not call child protective services.

I want to go back, and I knwo that is the sick part. But you love who ya love. I wholly believe you can;t change who you love. Apparently no amount of abuse can change that. Some of us still love our abusive parents, our abusive mates, and our neglectful friends.

I am telling you this because this is working for me. IT has helped my H change his tune, it has helped me progress threw my stuff more quickly and we are still able to keep our marriage in tact. It is jsut a how ever long it may take break so we can both work on things. There is the understanding that we will get back together. Just this week we changed T to me seeing the T alone once a week, and my H and I see the T together once a week. And every few weeks the T sees just him on our day that we would see her togehter. I told the T I was terrified to start seeing her jointly, because I was so afraid of myself and so insecure, I didn't want to give up seeing her alone. She told me I could see her alone as long as I needed to. Even if it is a full year into after I return home to my H. Infact she would rather it be that way because I am so nervous and afraid that she can keep an eye one me threw this and make sure I am not afraid to say something is not going right because he is setting right there.

I fully believe I will get threw this, and we will get threw this. God would not have allowed my H and I to marry if he thought we woudl divorce. God doesn't plan for folks to get divorced. This is the last straw though. I believe you will get threw your crap to, and if not God will provide yu a way to handle your issues as well.

Yes. You are absolutely right. I was brought up to not show anger. That included cutting my eyes the wrong way, proper tone in my voice, looking defiant, etc. it was truly safer to show as little emotion as possible.

My father was an alcoholic and passed away 5 years ago. My mom is a Southern Baptist steeped in religion. No offense to her, that is how she was raised and how she has always been. Growing up, if the church doors were open we were there.... Mom, my brother and I. My dad did not go to church. At church we were a perfect family, minus dad. Nobody knew about the huge pink elephant that sat in the middle of our living room. Ya know, the pink elephant that is there, everybody walks around it and goes about their business like they don't see it, but it's there. Big. Pink. And. Smelly!!! I sure could see it!

I am a Christian. What I grew up in could have pushed me the other direction but God has been with me my whole life. He is opening my eyes to see him in a different way.

I do agree with your thoughts on parents getting treatment for their issues, and people stepping in to help children stuck in those situations. I often think back and wonder if all those people at the church I went to, knew about the elephant in our living room.

Righteous anger. Yes, anger has always frightened me and I've done my best to avoid it at all costs. I'm in the process of trying to understand that there is a corrective type of anger that does not frighten, harm, degrade or verbally abuse. An anger that is justified and is an anger that corrects either behavior or expresses emotion for injustice. I believe there is freedom there somewhere.

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Thank you both of you

I've been in this place too!! It's in response to anger directed at me that I cannot handle. I'm frozen too. My internal dialog is, "Just be still. Look straight ahead. Don't look at him. Don't breathe. Just be still. Maybe he will stop.

I feel very, very small, weak and totally at the mercy of whoever it is coming from. It's scary!!

ME TO!!!! Are you sure you are not me?