[1976kitchenfloor]

Hello, The expereinces I read about -that are being posted here among those who have DID - I am have a really hard time understanding. They are so unlike anything Ive expereinced. One thing is that some members here are talking as if they function and do activities as a group of alters that she "(the poster) is aware of. The poster writes as if she is aware of what one or the other alters wants to do and it seems as if there is this control going on, as if this was a choice. That is the part -the choice part- that makes no sense to me. I read about you go on walks together and how you know each other and reference each other as being there together and aware of each other--not at differnt times but in the same time. Your alters have names which you refer to them by--and you even know the desires of the alters. ( in one case, a little alter wants to post a poem)

Such clear awareness that these individual named alters are there is aprt of what I find so upsetting. I believe, and maybe I am completely wrong on this, that encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else. Isnt it difficult enough having to hope nothing sets off your dissociation so that you find you are again lost? Even when I was in flux and changing whose eyes I was seeing through frequently it was nothing I would want to encourage or indulge. To lose my sense of self and connection to the world around me and my past was the most awful, lonely, isolating and alienating of expereinces.

Also, my dissociation was always just something that happened with me and that I later become aware of. I did have those few occasions where I stood outself myself seeing myself --and in one case I remember-saw someone sitting there new whose place I was just stepping into. I remember this new lady was the person I had planned on being and had been at a pervious time in life, and I remember how good it felt that she was back because she had waited and been shut away for so long.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Hello, The expereinces I read about -that are being posted here among those who have DID - I am have a really hard time understanding. They are so unlike anything Ive expereinced. One thing is that some members here are talking as if they function and do activities as a group of alters that she "(the poster) is aware of. The poster writes as if she is aware of what one or the other alters wants to do and it seems as if there is this control going on, as if this was a choice. That is the part -the choice part- that makes no sense to me. I read about you go on walks together and how you know each other and reference each other as being there together and aware of each other--not at differnt times but in the same time. Your alters have names which you refer to them by--and you even know the desires of the alters. ( in one case, a little alter wants to post a poem)

Such clear awareness that these individual named alters are there is aprt of what I find so upsetting. I believe, and maybe I am completely wrong on this, that encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else. Isnt it difficult enough having to hope nothing sets off your dissociation so that you find you are again lost? Even when I was in flux and changing whose eyes I was seeing through frequently it was nothing I would want to encourage or indulge. To lose my sense of self and connection to the world around me and my past was the most awful, lonely, isolating and alienating of expereinces.

Also, my dissociation was always just something that happened with me and that I later become aware of. I did have those few occasions where I stood outself myself seeing myself --and in one case I remember-saw someone sitting there new whose place I was just stepping into. I remember this new lady was the person I had planned on being and had been at a pervious time in life, and I remember how good it felt that she was back because she had waited and been shut away for so long.

I think this forum is not good for me. I find it too theatrical in many ways and maybe thats because I am an older lady. The last thing I want /wanted was for others to know about me. I mean no offense when I say that it seems to me that on this forum there is too much exaggeration and theatrics and that does bother me and concern me. I guess I see all the people whose alters are coming our and getting together here as being more than a little over the top. I have a difficult time seeing this as being helpful to anyone who dissociates and wants to be able to function as fully as she possibly can in life, with or without therapy. Chatting about activities and ways to help ourselves and each other is a good thing. But, I guess I see this other stuff as sensationalism or encouraging sensationalism.

I apologize to anyone who feels hurt by what I saw. Remember this is my opinion. I didnt write the book on DID and god only knows hoyw typical my expreince is. However, I do find it makes me extremely tired reading these things, and as I do, feeling as if I just stepped into a very weird and potentially dangerous lala land.

[amandalouise]

no hurt feelings. knowing stuff about the alters is called co consciousness. some people have lots of it others only have a little bit.

example I heard voices all my life , and I knew there was a couple others but for me it was just normal. I didnt think anything of it until after I was diagnosed with DID.

it was during therapy that I learned what some of my alters names and what they did for me. but sometimes i had limited co consciousness. I could be like a back seat driver when one of my alters were in control

A lot of people you see posting have been in therapy for years on and off. not everyone is at the same stage in having DID. Im fully integrated so Im able to use my alters names, memories and such.

when people say they took a walk with their alters it isnt like waling with your best friend. some people have rapid switching from one alter to another and some co consciousness so the alters share back and forth whats going on.

[Sprite~]

There are theatrics, and exagerations here, and yes it is frustrating. However, that is part of life.

In my situation, I have come to realize, through therapy and my DID skills group, that it's very important to open up dialogue between 'parts' so that we can all get on the same page. It is common for some to have a phobia, if you will, about other parts, or no awareness at all. It is encouraged, in my recovery, to know that all parts exist for a valid reason. It behooves me to embrace these various parts, or at the very least, acknowledge their existence as relevant to survival, so that I may better know and understand them. It's part of my recovery.

[TrailRunner14]

QUOTE: "encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else. Isnt it difficult enough having to hope nothing sets off your dissociation so that you find you are again lost?"

This has been a question of mine also, since I have learned that I dissociate. It's at different levels and intensities, some extreme. I do know that there were 3 times, during my growing up years, that I have "re-seen" the trauma, only to have the TV shut off with no memory of what the outcome was. Those seem to be 3 different "parts" of me that react in different ways to triggers I experience. I have come to "know" these three parts, and I'm learning how these 3 parts react in those situations.

[TrailRunner14]

QUOTE: " Even when I was in flux and changing whose eyes I was seeing through frequently it was nothing I would want to encourage or indulge. To lose my sense of self and connection to the world around me and my past was the most awful, lonely, isolating and alienating of expereinces."

I would like to share with you, that I know exactly what you are describing here. That alienation is the most awful feeling that I do not believe there are words to describe, to someone who has never experienced it. It's like a vacuum, that totally separates you everything that you feel is normal. To me, it is almost like a silent panic attack with a mind of it's own. It releases you when it decides it's ready to. It's a very lonely place.

I wanted to share with you, that I know exactly what you describe. I too have been there.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else.

no you are not wrong. it is for this reason that here in america treatment providers are not allowed to "call out" an alter directly. and can not focus treatment directly on any .....one..... alter. here treatment focuses on stabilization, grounding, working together, developing communication,...
things that will not promote another mental disorder called fictitious disorder imposed on self (some locations call this false memory syndrome, creating false alters for attention of others or their treatment provider.

that said sometimes a person needs to be separated from their alters. thats the premise of what DID is.... and the reason extremely abused at a young aged child was able to survive \live to become that adult in treatment.

DID is a mental disorder where the brain through the use of dissociation has put up mental walls to separate those memories, emotions of trauma that the very young child was unable to handle. those parts of the very young child function completely separate from the child, they have their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being.

then over time of healing when the child becomes an adult and through their own healing process ( either by their self or with a treatment provider )is better able to handle things on their own, information, memories, emotions are shared (co consciousness)

or in limited co consciousness situations where co consciousness does not develop very much (like what happened with me) the separation between the alters and between the alters and those they reside with in stops and all become one whole person again due to the alters jobs, purposes, reasons for being is no longer there.

my point is the separation is already there. my location doesnt .....encourage .....it, but its recognized as already being there and is just part of what the disorder is.

[finding_my_way]

honestly, you aren't alone...my case is not at all 'typical' like a lot it seems where they know all the alters (or a lot), know who is who, know when switching happens, etc. and all that goes with all of it.

i've known for years i had others and kept journals (never saw different handwriting per se though), but i've had times where i lost all the knowledge of the others because things were stable and i was finally....me..only me...for a long enough time to not really have things cause issues.

my experience even now is more things like i guess passive influence where i don't actively hear the others talk/talk to them (though it used to be that way) but can feel their feelings, have their feelings influence how i feel, react, think, etc.

i've never switched out completely to another where i blacked out and had zero awareness, so mine mostly have blended/mixed with me to varying degrees, and i don't always know who it is (though i used to be able to figure it out before things changed but when things were very active).

because things change so much for me, it has added a lot more confusion. i don't feel like i fit with a DID diagnosis 100% yet feel like it's more than just DDNOS (or whatever the new diagnosis is). my memory loss is for trauma memories throughout my life, some life events (though i have a good memory i'd say of mostly things related to school/friends, important family events) and memory disruption when dissociation occurs in the form of over hours, days, or weeks forgetting what happened during the dissociation (more with how things were experienced, feelings, any thoughts/lack thereof, etc. which also can include information in bits and pieces).

while some of the others in my system do have names, others don't..and they are quiet and gone somewhere mostly now except the last few months with some new ones, i think too.....so i don't have the knowledge i used to..yet things are more internal anyway, not external which i have heard more often than not, those with DID have covert signs, not overt because the nature of alters/DID is to hide/protect, etc. which makes sense to me and i have to remind myself about when i realize how things have come out for me...so..not everyone has the same experience, and it's important to keep that in mind..i get caught up in that so much..but how i experience things is 'my' normal..i guess..

to me, it is exhausting..sometimes scary, sad....and a lot of other things..in no way is any of it fun or funny to me and confuses me even more when things change and i re learn things i didn't know i forgot or used to know..and it really is strange.

[Sprite~]

I can so relate to the descriptive way you worded your experience Find My Way!!

It feels wonderful to read that another is on the same page as me. Thank you for sharing your experience!

Agree way too much theatrics here. Thats one of the reasons i rarely start my own topic.
We have a system where everyone is very separate. It is not chaotic for us. Its just how it is. We enjoy spending time with each other. We also fight. It feels like just being in one room with lots of people, some you like and some you dont.we are separate people so we know what each other wants, likes, doesnt like- just like people do with friends.we also dont always know whats going on, we do have occassional blackouts and missing time just like we did when we were younger. Now it mostly just happens under stress.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Sprite~

I can so relate to the descriptive way you worded your experience Find My Way!!

It feels wonderful to read that another is on the same page as me. Thank you for sharing your experience!

i am glad you are able to relate. i have only found a few people who have a similar experience to me, so it's nice for me also to know that i'm not alone.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

Agree way too much theatrics here. Thats one of the reasons i rarely start my own topic.
We have a system where everyone is very separate. It is not chaotic for us. Its just how it is. We enjoy spending time with each other. We also fight. It feels like just being in one room with lots of people, some you like and some you dont.we are separate people so we know what each other wants, likes, doesnt like- just like people do with friends.we also dont always know whats going on, we do have occassional blackouts and missing time just like we did when we were younger. Now it mostly just happens under stress.

i struggle more under stress too, well, mostly anyway. the last while though, it's just been random which i haven't quite figured out yet..maybe it's like once it starts again, sometimes it's hard to stop it...or else the barriers are starting to crack more again after so long of being strong. not sure. but, yes, that's generally my experience as well with increased stress.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Hello, The expereinces I read about -that are being posted here among those who have DID - I am have a really hard time understanding.

I have had similar problems and it has chased us out of many a site.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

They are so unlike anything Ive expereinced.

I don't really know how anyone's system functions but ours. That said, the descriptions we hear are often foreign to us.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

One thing is that some members here are talking as if they function and do activities as a group of alters that she "(the poster) is aware of. The poster writes as if she is aware of what one or the other alters wants to do and it seems as if there is this control going on, as if this was a choice. That is the part -the choice part- that makes no sense to me. I read about you go on walks together and how you know each other and reference each other as being there together and aware of each other--not at differnt times but in the same time. Your alters have names which you refer to them by--and you even know the desires of the alters. ( in one case, a little alter wants to post a poem)

Well for me, what you describe makes sense - but it didn't always. Until I was twenty-seven years old (I am fifty years old now), I never knew anything about my alter (I have just one). Didn't know her name, didn't know she was a she - that was a big shock btw, because I'm a guy. Didn't know what she thought, wanted, or dreamed about. Then, one day, we met. There was a build-up to that meeting and quite a lot of work went into it. If you (or anyone else for that matter) are interested, ask and I'll tell the story.

Anyway, we met through a moment of shared consciousness that I had never experienced before. That was the last day of dissociative amnesia (with one exception). It's been twenty three years now that we've shared consciousness. Oh, and she told me her name - I didn't know it before that.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Such clear awareness that these individual named alters are there is aprt of what I find so upsetting. I believe, and maybe I am completely wrong on this, that encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else.

I understand the point you are making here but respectfully disagree. We are more than the sum of our parts. Believe it or not, we can do things that normal folks just can't do. For instance, as a Buddhist, I meditate daily. There are some deep levels of meditation in which one can get the same restorative effects as one gets sleeping. I taught her to meditate. There have been periods in my life when sleep was not an option - and as long as she was meditating, I didn't need to. In fact, for many, many years, I didn't sleep on Friday or Sunday nights. I worked out of state all week and then drove home to see my wife on the weekends - 700 miles one way. Then Sunday night after spending all day with her I'd drive all night and make it to work Monday morning. Mind you, I was not a kid when I was doing this but throughout my thirties and forties.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Isnt it difficult enough having to hope nothing sets off your dissociation so that you find you are again lost? Even when I was in flux and changing whose eyes I was seeing through frequently it was nothing I would want to encourage or indulge. To lose my sense of self and connection to the world around me and my past was the most awful, lonely, isolating and alienating of expereinces.

For the most part, we look at the world together through the same eyes now - but again, it hasn't always been like this. I describe it like so: I am driving the bus usually, but she spends an awful lot of time on my lap. Sometimes, if what we see out the window is boring to her, she'll hop back a seat or two and color or play make believe or whatever. Sometimes I need a break - for instance social situations, and she'll drive the bus and I'll head back a seat or two. I can still see out the window from there - as can she when she heads back, but my hands aren't on the steering wheel so to speak. There are rare times when she'll head to the back of the bus (like when I am being intimate with my wife).

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Also, my dissociation was always just something that happened with me and that I later become aware of.

It was that way for twenty-seven years and let me tell you, we got into some pretty bad situations.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

I think this forum is not good for me. I find it too theatrical in many ways and maybe thats because I am an older lady.

Older is relative, but I certainly feel older.

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

The last thing I want /wanted was for others to know about me. I mean no offense when I say that it seems to me that on this forum there is too much exaggeration and theatrics and that does bother me and concern me. I guess I see all the people whose alters are coming our and getting together here as being more than a little over the top. I have a difficult time seeing this as being helpful to anyone who dissociates and wants to be able to function as fully as she possibly can in life, with or without therapy. Chatting about activities and ways to help ourselves and each other is a good thing. But, I guess I see this other stuff as sensationalism or encouraging sensationalism.

Is there theatrics and sensationalism? Probably, but who am I to say - I don't experience their world. My biggest problem is that my alter likes to participate but only if she feels comfortable, and she hasn't found a place she feels comfortable in a long time. One reason, and her pet peeve, is that most child alters (she is six years old), tawk lik dis. Her frustration stems from the fact that, in her words, "I may be six, but I'm six with forty-four years experience - and I've learned a few things, like how to spell."

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i struggle more under stress too, well, mostly anyway. the last while though, it's just been random which i haven't quite figured out yet..maybe it's like once it starts again, sometimes it's hard to stop it...or else the barriers are starting to crack more again after so long of being strong. not sure. but, yes, that's generally my experience as well with increased stress.

My timed come with stress or feeling the overwhelming feeling that I HAVE to fix the issue at hand or make sure everybody is ok. It's different degrees of intensity depending on the issue.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no hurt feelings. knowing stuff about the alters is called co consciousness. some people have lots of it others only have a little bit.

example I heard voices all my life , and I knew there was a couple others but for me it was just normal. I didnt think anything of it until after I was diagnosed with DID.

it was during therapy that I learned what some of my alters names and what they did for me. but sometimes i had limited co consciousness. I could be like a back seat driver when one of my alters were in control

A lot of people you see posting have been in therapy for years on and off. not everyone is at the same stage in having DID. Im fully integrated so Im able to use my alters names, memories and such.

when people say they took a walk with their alters it isnt like waling with your best friend. some people have rapid switching from one alter to another and some co consciousness so the alters share back and forth whats going on.

Thank you all for sharing your insights and expereinces on this.

It is the co-consciousness thing I have the most difficulty understanding. If you are fully integrated then do you no longer dissociate? Are all your alters assimilated into one stable personality? Am I correct in understanding you know about your alters and their names --but you no longer dissociate to the point of actually being here as an alter. You dont talk about or acknowledge the alters as being separate from you since you are integrated?

That is my understadning of integration, and after years of therapy, that is the point I hope I am at, although I cannot really know for sure. I am hoping time will prove this to be correct.

thank you so much for talking /sharing about this

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i am glad you are able to relate. i have only found a few people who have a similar experience to me, so it's nice for me also to know that i'm not alone.

Thank you so much. Hearing your words and common understanding gives me the chills! That is how much it means to me. To be able to get a better understanding.

Hug and best wishes to you

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

Agree way too much theatrics here. Thats one of the reasons i rarely start my own topic.
We have a system where everyone is very separate. It is not chaotic for us. Its just how it is. We enjoy spending time with each other. We also fight. It feels like just being in one room with lots of people, some you like and some you dont.we are separate people so we know what each other wants, likes, doesnt like- just like people do with friends.we also dont always know whats going on, we do have occassional blackouts and missing time just like we did when we were younger. Now it mostly just happens under stress.

Thank you for contributing to this thread. Understanding is very important to me. from what you write, these are the things I understand--probably because it is what I have myself expereinced: missing time/blackouts. Also, I am now aware of my various alters but I cant directly communicate with them. Each one steps out and is the only one that is present and functioning at one time. Also, the only avenue of communication or sharing between alters has been via flashbacks and dreams that were real life expereinces that feel as if I relive them when they occur. In these dreams I can see what is happening to the alter/myself who has dissociated because of the extreme nature of the expereince.

These are the parts of what you say that I am trying hard to but dont really understand: "We have a system where everyone is very separate. It is not chaotic for us. Its just how it is. We enjoy spending time with each other. We also fight. It feels like just being in one room with lots of people, some you like and some you dont.we are separate people so we know what each other wants, likes, doesnt like- just like people do with friends.'

So, am I right when I say that you are telling me that you see yourself as a group, all present and interacting at the same time?

Again, I appreciate your help and sharing.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

QUOTE: "encouraging separation makes this a real circus in which the patient almost creates more trouble for herself than anything else. Isnt it difficult enough having to hope nothing sets off your dissociation so that you find you are again lost?"

This has been a question of mine also, since I have learned that I dissociate. It's at different levels and intensities, some extreme. I do know that there were 3 times, during my growing up years, that I have "re-seen" the trauma, only to have the TV shut off with no memory of what the outcome was. Those seem to be 3 different "parts" of me that react in different ways to triggers I experience. I have come to "know" these three parts, and I'm learning how these 3 parts react in those situations.

Hello, Thank you for your input. I am especially interested in your referring to / re-seeing the trauma. You even refer to the "TV". I want to ask you if you always see your memories? there is a separation in seeing something from a distance, isnt there? Seeing something on a TV screen? I also see my memories and I wonder how common this is with others who dissociate. Any thoughts?

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no you are not wrong. it is for this reason that here in america treatment providers are not allowed to "call out" an alter directly. and can not focus treatment directly on any .....one..... alter. here treatment focuses on stabilization, grounding, working together, developing communication,...
things that will not promote another mental disorder called fictitious disorder imposed on self (some locations call this false memory syndrome, creating false alters for attention of others or their treatment provider.

that said sometimes a person needs to be separated from their alters. thats the premise of what DID is.... and the reason extremely abused at a young aged child was able to survive \live to become that adult in treatment.

DID is a mental disorder where the brain through the use of dissociation has put up mental walls to separate those memories, emotions of trauma that the very young child was unable to handle. those parts of the very young child function completely separate from the child, they have their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being.

then over time of healing when the child becomes an adult and through their own healing process ( either by their self or with a treatment provider )is better able to handle things on their own, information, memories, emotions are shared (co consciousness)

or in limited co consciousness situations where co consciousness does not develop very much (like what happened with me) the separation between the alters and between the alters and those they reside with in stops and all become one whole person again due to the alters jobs, purposes, reasons for being is no longer there.

my point is the separation is already there. my location doesnt .....encourage .....it, but its recognized as already being there and is just part of what the disorder is.

Thank you for your input. I think I do understand the origin of dissociation and DID. I see it as an automatic defense mechanism whose origins are in childhood and which is set off at a time before a childs personality and separate essential sense of self have been been developed. It is a defense mechanism that is a protective unconscious reaction to trauma that is so severe and threatening that it cannot be tolerated or accepted by the child's mind.

I want to ask you about what you call co-consciousness. when you use this term are you referring to now being aware of what it was that your alters expereinced , that is, the initial traumas that automatically created them?

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by 1976kitchenfloor

Hello, Thank you for your input. I am especially interested in your referring to / re-seeing the trauma. You even refer to the "TV". I want to ask you if you always see your memories? there is a separation in seeing something from a distance, isnt there? Seeing something on a TV screen? I also see my memories and I wonder how common this is with others who dissociate. Any thoughts?

There were chills on my arms after reading your post.

I do "see" my memories. It's as if I am an observer to what is going on. It's quiet, no sound, and there is this numbness along with a feeling of extreme panic. I see the memories, up to a certain point, and then when I say the "TV goes off" I am meaning that my memory abruptly stops/shuts off.

In my mind, I believe seeing it as an observer, is my mind's way of providing safety for me when there was no other way for safety. I believe my mind was separating me from the physical part of the situation/event. The part of my mind that observed it, left a part of it there that was actually present in that time. Another "part" of me was created (the one I am watching) to deal with what happened, and that is the part of me that is triggered now that results in my dissociation, or vise versa. I haven't really figured out that part just yet.

I experience numbness of emotions when I am extremely dissociated. I believe the part of myself that I split off from, is the one that has those emotions.

I have wondered myself, how common this was.

It's very discerning to not be able to remember. It's like trying to put a puzzle together without all of the pieces!

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There were chills on my arms after reading your post.

I do "see" my memories. It's as if I am an observer to what is going on. It's quiet, no sound, and there is this numbness along with a feeling of extreme panic. I see the memories, up to a certain point, and then when I say the "TV goes off" I am meaning that my memory abruptly stops/shuts off.

In my mind, I believe seeing it as an observer, is my mind's way of providing safety for me when there was no other way for safety. I believe my mind was separating me from the physical part of the situation/event. The part of my mind that observed it, left a part of it there that was actually present in that time. Another "part" of me was created (the one I am watching) to deal with what happened, and that is the part of me that is triggered now that results in my dissociation, or vise versa. I haven't really figured out that part just yet.

I experience numbness of emotions when I am extremely dissociated. I believe the part of myself that I split off from, is the one that has those emotions.

I have wondered myself, how common this was.

It's very discerning to not be able to remember. It's like trying to put a puzzle together without all of the pieces!

i always figured every human being remembered events in a similar way, from the outside/distanced, watching it like a movie, sometimes with no emotion or intense emotion depending...not like they are going through it again and seeing it through their eyes type of thing.

[amandalouise]

your questions to me....

Yes i still dissociate. yes all my alters have been merged together into one stable personality. they are now me and I am now them. to understand this heres an experiment. take a glass of hot water. now pour that hot water into many glasses, let some of them cool and some boil to various temperatures. then pour all the water back together again. (the one whole glass of hot water is one whole person at birth, the separating of water is a representative of trauma and the mind creating many alters. the boiling and cooling represents what is added to each alter (memories emotions experiences...) and the adding all water back together is a representative of integration (everyone becoming one whole person again.)

I am like the water. I was born one whole person, then due to extreme trauma before the age of 5 my mind created alternate personalities. these alters all my life took control any time I or an alter was triggered and dissociated.

example if I dissociated (felt numb, spaced out, disconencted...) during a rain storm (trigger that caused the dissociation) the alternate personality Rainy would take control because dealing with rain storms was her job, purpose and reason why my mind created her) this went on all through my whole life since the moment my mind created her.

ever time through therapy and learning how to handle my problems (anxiety, depression, dissociation symptoms) and learning things like breathing exercises, meditation, relaxation, grounding and other therapeutic tools I learned how to handle rain storms on my own. during this process Rainy started sharing more and more information with me through co consciousness (hearing her voice while she was in control, hearing her voice in my head, and images of memories that she was sharing with me)

as I while in aware non dissociated state of mind became stronger and able to deal with all this on my own Rainy no longer had to do her job, purpose, reason for being. so she like the water going back together, became one with me.

I can remember those memories, emotions, experiences that used to be hers and is now our's as one whole person. I can talk about her being separate with me if I choose to do so. but I choose most of the time, not to because everything she was became me and I her. I will never forget that this memory or that emotion was part of her and who she was and what she did for me, and i know that she did not die, cease to exist because I have her memories and all that was her. she is still here just in a different way now, as me, one whole person again. there is no need for us to be separate, I am capable of doing her job, purpose reason for being because she is one with me now.

for example my siblings and I were talking recently about how I used to hide under a blanket during a rain storm. I smiled because I knew that was rainy and I now know how and why rain storms scared me to the point of her creation to deal with that problem. I looked at my sibling and said little did you know that it was rainy under that blanket and I was asleep. my sibling laughed and said yea isnt it grand that you and she are one, no more hiding under blankets. I laughed and said yea now I have rainy's nerves, and thelma cursing abilities so I sit there on the sofa holding Rainy's zebra stuffed animal and yell like thelma at the storm ....roar you such and such and then some, go ahead and roar.

but you are right I dont switch into alters anymore because there is no need for it. I now have the coping skills and ability to use those coping skills or not, I will never again switch into alternate personalities because they have all been merged together with me because their jobs purposes reasons for being created is gone. plus the fact that I am an adult. here in America DID is a metal disorder that happens to very young children under the age of 5 due to extreme trauma. what that means is that once I reached to point of healing where I no longer fit the diagnostic criteria for DID, I could never again have DID.

that doesnt mean a person who had a past diagnosis of DID doesnt dissociate. a person here in america can have dissociation problems with just about every mental and physical health problem and normal events of dissociation too.

I may no longer fit the diagnostics for DID because all my alters have been integrated\merged into one whole person again but I still have my dissociative times.

your question to my other reply to you about my usage of co consciousness...
I use the term co consciousness based on my locations definition....

co consciousness is things like feeling spaced out, disconnected and knowing a conversation is taking part but it does feel like you doing the talking,

example being triggered by a rain storm i would start feeling spaced out, like Im far away from my wife as she was talking to me, I would know words were coming out of my mouth but felt what was being said was not my own words. they were the words and sounds that Rainy makes.... crying, fearful ... I would not literally see rainy because she resided with in my body. just felt like it wasnt me doing the talking, my ...perception...was that it was Rainy doing the talking and crying. (actually seeing an alter here in my location is called psychosis not dissociation)

co consciousness for some in my location is hearing the voices of the alters inside or outside my head. it used to be believed in my location that hearing alters outside the head was not dissociation but it has changed due to sometimes a persons ...perception... of the voice is that its coming from behind or next to them. this is not a diagnostic criteria meaning a person does not have to hear the voices of their alters. having DID is not ....dependent ...upon hearing voices due to other mental disorders do carry that diagnostic criteria.

in my location co consciousness is when the alters and those they reside with in have the ability to communicate, share with each other.

we now have two mental disorders here in america OSDD is like DID but with more co consciousness, less separation, less memory \amnesia. DID has more memory\amnesia\separation \ dissociative symptoms.

people that post here on this board may have any number of dissociative disorders. this board isnt only for those with the severity where there is limited co consciousness. its for all the dissociative disorders whether or not someone has alters or not.

Yes we see ourselves as a group.
There are several though who "hide"- they will talk to our therapist apparently but do not talk inside with everyone else. T has, ma y times, said "i talked to someone new again"& we are all confused because who would it be! Yet there it is, another one, that we didnt see or perhaps didnt even know about.
We switch easily and whenever Different situations call for someone else, everyone has their own ways of dealing with different things.however we are mostly a group, almost all present and interacting at the same time.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

There were chills on my arms after reading your post.

I do "see" my memories. It's as if I am an observer to what is going on. It's quiet, no sound, and there is this numbness along with a feeling of extreme panic. I see the memories, up to a certain point, and then when I say the "TV goes off" I am meaning that my memory abruptly stops/shuts off.

In my mind, I believe seeing it as an observer, is my mind's way of providing safety for me when there was no other way for safety. I believe my mind was separating me from the physical part of the situation/event. The part of my mind that observed it, left a part of it there that was actually present in that time. Another "part" of me was created (the one I am watching) to deal with what happened, and that is the part of me that is triggered now that results in my dissociation, or vise versa. I haven't really figured out that part just yet.

I experience numbness of emotions when I am extremely dissociated. I believe the part of myself that I split off from, is the one that has those emotions.

I have wondered myself, how common this was.

It's very discerning to not be able to remember. It's like trying to put a puzzle together without all of the pieces!

Hello. I think the peices will come/the memories when you are strong enough to go through them. I also see things as an observer- that is when I was dissociating. Like you, I believe dissociation protected me from what what completely unaccpetable to my mind and body and was just too much to bear with all the associated feelings. My memory came in my dreams in which I observed 'myself' in a terrible situation The feelings even in my dream were so real and terrible and it was like I was there and reliving it myself for the first time. It was after expereincing this and seeing myself in a dream that the alter who was stadning in for me became known to me. when I was able to accept what she had expereinced and felt it as my own that alte was no longer unknown to me and in time was assimialted into who I now am.

I thank you for sharing. It helps me immensey in my qust to understand myself and others affected by DID.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Hello. I think the peices will come/the memories when you are strong enough to go through them. I also see things as an observer- that is when I was dissociating. Like you, I believe dissociation protected me from what what completely unacceptable to my mind and body and was just too much to bear with all the associated feelings. My lost memory came in my dreams in which I observed 'myself' in a terrible situation The feelings even in my dream were so real and terrible and it was like I was there and reliving it as myself for the first time. It was after expereincing this and seeing myself in a dream that the alter who was standing in for me became known to me. When I was able to accept what she had experienced, and felt it as my own that alter was no longer unknown to me and in time was assimilated into who I now am.

I thank you for sharing. It helps me immensely in my quest to understand myself and others affected by DID.