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#26
Aug 05, 2016, 10:48 AM
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 elevatedsoul
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#27
Aug 05, 2016, 03:32 PM
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im really trying to get rid of the maze, but its so easy to get lost i think you know?
trying to figure things out but i think that im so deep in that it can seem like anything i do doesnt really amount to any progress; which i know is untrue... its just really hard because im really exhausted.. and scared i guess.. but the type of 'learned behavior' that is drilled, glued, nailed, grown into the walls and all keeps me fooled and tricked into the 'dark' ways that will only make me retreat deeper into the maze rather than seeing the flower and butterflies for what they are i dont have many memories at all but the few things i do have are these type of memories, you cant do this... people dont understand this... its bad to let people know this.. if you pretend its not there no one will see it, it cant see me... i feel so ashamed and guilty that i cant remember things of the past; especially when someone you haven't seen in a while comes to you and wants to reminisce-- "remember when...." to stare through the person and try to get them to lead the memory so that you can play along and keep anyone from knowing that you cant remember any of it... how much pain it can cause... i only hear on the inside that if anyone knew that i cant remember them that they would be hurt like me and feel like it didn't matter and i don't want to hurt anyone... so here i am, "i walk alone" but with a thousand shadows how could anyone understand? so i have to... i have to live in this dream clouded with mirrors to reflect as much truths /false truths/ as i can to have the illusion of even having a life i guess.. but no one knows.. how is it that it can be so hidden? that no one would care or be able to see how lost i am.. i guess its easier to attribute my short comings to a lack of 'faith' ; you need to pray and ask jesus, they say... but if they knew how long and how much i cried out while running would their thoughts still be the same...? do people know how the smack in the face feels when they tell me that? as if i haven't tried and been left standing in the dark rain alone again and again... how many times to you reach out before your arms are to tired to lift? how many times do you scream out before your voice is too hoarse to make a squeak? so easy to get distracted... i ended up getting up and going somewhere in the middle of writing so im gonna try to finish :/ i dont really know what to say :/ i feel like people feel like i haven't tried anything and that im just a victim and play a victim mentality or something... not really listening to what im saying because it is so crazy i guess that they feel like it must be a fabrication/exaggeration due to some hysteria/ attention need.. so it just feels like i cant really talk at all, everything i say is going to be wrong, bad, things will get worse because words are just words and people make them mean what they want them to.. so how do i tell anyone what i feel? when i have made sure that even i cant know how i feel? what symptoms..? i dunno, somethings wrong - if i say anything else i might explode dreams suck, why cant i wake up from this one  thanks for being kind.. im gonna go drink my beers though, hope things can some day work together again.. kind of tired of my memory, and this stupid feeling of feeling so inadequate and belittled because i shouldnt feel so bad, or im just possesed with demons that are trying to torture me and i need to pray to make it better, which maybe if demons are real they are F*n with me but i dont care about them so much, cant do anything to me dumb dumb... just wish that i didnt have to keep talking to different people over and over about the same stuff trying to explain whats wrong when i dont even know myself but they cant figure it out because im like invisible or something sorry that i ramble.. i tend to have the capability of writing too much without realizing how much is written..  everything will work out some how... i just need to catch my balance i guess  no worries   
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| Luce
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#28
Aug 05, 2016, 06:41 PM
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I have found that it is easier to just admit I don't remember rather than try to act like I do. The latter is just so stressful and, sometimes, humiliating. Even though we have now shared many, many dissociated memories with each other we still frequently have people tell us about things we should remember but don't. Like, all. the. time. I just tell them outright - sorry, I have a terrible memory, and I often ask them to tell me more about it. More often than not I don't have any recollection of any of those events at all. So bizarre, but just a part of a life not lived by me.
ETA: I have done a lot of memory integration work, so I now know a lot of that stuff. The things I tend to not know about are the fun things - social interactions, relationships, funny memories, stuff like that. Kinda sad really. |
| elevatedsoul
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#29
Aug 06, 2016, 02:39 AM
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im just baffled by this memory problem
 dunno how its possible to be so... forgetful i guess.. being something so crazy and strange its not really something i ever like to talk about because people just dont get it.. they repeat stupid things like, 'you just stay on the computer too much' 'you need to sleep more regularly'(like no duh.. if i could sleep better i would really) 'its because of all the alcohol and pot you smoked/drinked before' and im just like dont even want to talk about the memory prob because i just end up making things more complicated for me in the end... people start to mess with you or play games with you or testing you or something and im just trying to deal with enough and dont need people outside trying to play mind games with me... just really disappointed and sad with the whole situation im going to try to lay down and sleep... just wish the dreams would take a break for a few days.. therapist shouldn't get mad because i cant remember stuff right..? i keep trying to tell her that i cant help it and i just really hope that she doesnt get mad.. never had anyone that was really interested in helping before 
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| Anonymous37827
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#30
Aug 06, 2016, 03:28 AM
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Quote:
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#31
Aug 06, 2016, 01:19 PM
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hmm....
i guess what i was trying to say with that, is that it takes so much energy to try to maintain the... image.. that everyone see's of me.. when i start to lose energy many inconsistencies can start to show and it just makes everything more complicated so sometimes its easier to just sit alone watching your own steamy breathe inhale and exhale in the dark night cold of solitude.. i never feel alone anyway and atleast then i can try to let the guards down a little to rest a brief moment.. i adore spending time around others but its just exhausting... the more you go out and try to talk with others the crazier you feel because even you start to see how weird it can be, would rather people not know too much about me so they cant talk amongst themselves and come to the conclusion that im a "poser" because of how i am... but it is really hard filtering everything all the time just to try to make yourself look normal so going a few days or weeks or whatever without much contact isn't really difficult... time doesnt really exist, or atleast i cant really perceive a passing of time so well... and when you try to talk to others and relate and you just always feel alienated and alone anyway its really not much different...  
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#32
Aug 06, 2016, 04:36 PM
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its hard to talk about things that when you talk about them there are just instant contradictions :/
((contradictions against self, not others; not sure how to define it; don't want to convey the wrong msg.. words are so fickle)) such as "i am always alone, but i am never lonely" and "i am never alone, but always lonely" i dont know how to explain the way i feel so well (even though the doctors say i do wonderfully at it) so i just kind of prefer not having to say too much... makes me feel stupid when you cant really agree with your own feelings or thoughts; sorry if i am really confusing sometimes.. its more difficult to really realize it online; but i just wanna learn.. thats my only goal is to just learn about stuff.. interested in knowing more about things like this 'Without a life story, a child is adrift, disconnected and vulnerable' - Dr Bruce Perry on the value and power of the Life Story approach - JKP Blog BrainMind.com
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Aug 06, 2016 at 05:46 PM. |
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#33
Aug 07, 2016, 10:34 PM
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oh man...
i don't know what to do   i broke my brain some how... i remember, the garden in the orb picture how can my therapist help me...?  this stuff is driving me crazy.. sometimes i think its all just some weird dream that im going to wake up from at some point...
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#34
Aug 11, 2016, 08:52 PM
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i dont know how long i can keep on like this..
whatever is wrong with me is really destroying me.. this is so hard.. why am i so broken...? its so hard trying to pretend like everything is well... when you dont even know where you are going or why you are here.. you cant remember anything... am i already dead? is this purgatory? endless self relization cycle of torture reminding you how pathetic you are... just as bad as the first time because you cant remember... and you cant fix it because its part of you and it will never go away... and i still hear 'it doesnt matter' .. no one is going to believe or help anyway.. what could anyone do..? dont think you can put something so fragile and shattered back together... whats the point in trying..? it hurts too much trying to live a life broken into pieces... i would say times up it seems, but then again time doesnt exist apparently... so tired   
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#35
Aug 15, 2016, 04:20 PM
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I hear you, and I can feel the pain in your words. I know how difficult it is to struggle with dissociation and depression. I also understand what it is like to feel all alone, even when in the company of others. While it is true that most people are not able to understand what it is like for us on a daily basis, those of us on PC have more ability to empathize and understand. Please remember this when you reach the point where all seems lost, and you question whether it's worthwhile to keep pressing on.
When reading your thread, what jumps out at me are the many negative ways you refer to yourself: broken, pathetic, insignificant, alienated, alone, disabled. I wonder what has made you feel this way about yourself. If people don't or can't understand you, does that make you wrong? Is it possible that part of the reason others can't understand you is because your inner workings and thought processes are deeper than theirs are? Dissociation is a creative defense mechanism that is usually begun in childhood as a way to tolerate intensely distressing or abusive circumstances. While it creates problems when we become adults, it still shows a capacity for creativeness and resilience in the face of chaotic situations. Does that make you odd, weird, and freakish because you are different from others? Or does it make you unique, complex, and deep? It depends on who you ask, doesn't it? One thing I have had to work hard on is accepting that I am different in many ways from other people. Many people don't understand me. While I can communicate how I feel, most of them still will not be able to understand what it is like to live in my own skin. That does not make me wrong or freakish. It does make me different. Like you, I struggle with some very critical, punishing inner voices. Those inner voices that criticize everything I do are not always truthful. They often accuse and blame me for things I am not guilty of. The awful things I tell myself are negative messages that my dad and others told me as a child. I've taken those criticisms in, and I've made them a part of me. I believe them. But the people who told me those awful things about myself were wrong. They did not understand my sensitivity, vulnerability, and depth of experience. I wonder if your self-critical voices are there for a similar reason... While life can be intensely painful for us, we are often very intuitive and able to both realize and experience situations from several angles. It can be overstimulating, exhausting, and feel like entirely "too much to bear." It sounds like you are in this overwhelmed, "too much" state right now. I would advise you to contact your therapist or psychiatrist and let them know that you are not in a good place right now and could use some extra support. You deserve it, whether you think so or not. You are so right in saying it's exhausting putting on that mask of normalcy every day and trying to live up to everybody else's expectations. Don't worry about everybody else right now. You need rest and peace, acceptance and support. You do not have to be perfect. Please hang in there. Sending warm thoughts, Peaches |
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#36
Aug 16, 2016, 12:37 AM
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 I like what peaches said. Also, being 'this way' is a normal response to trauma. its what happens to human brains when they have trauma while developing. Trust me, its all perfectly normal.    
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#37
Aug 16, 2016, 02:05 AM
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Thanks.. I am just tired.. I am really different from everyone I know.. I wouldn't want to be like them, or really change myself.. I just wish that I didn't hurt so much when no one is looking... I wish that I knew myself and understood myself.. That I was more solid so that I could be me everywhere instead of hiding me and becoming things that I'm not.... I am those things too but because of this so much of me is hidden.. And only I can see it... Only I get to feel lost and alone because everyone else can't even notice.. But I don't really want them to, they wouldn't know what to do with me anyway.. I'm ashamed as well... Everyone else survived well enough to be able to have a some what normal life going.. But I broke and everyone thought I was the strong one.. I just feel those things because they are kind of true.. I have been told that I need to get a life.. That everyone feels what I do before getting started in life.. That my fears and challenges are just in my head n my basically stuck bcuz I choose.... I try to gently say that I'm different without triggering a huge reaction inside n end up crying or fighting.. But its just makes me feel horrible because I'm failing everyone and myself... I can't even tell them I have PTSD bcuz I feel bad and guilty since my parents are the ones taking care of me.. Don't want anyone to blame themselves.. N like no one understand dissociation.. To everyone I'm the awesome guy they can't understand why struggles.. Super nice, caring smart, happy, but all the opposites too.. But they can't see, only know from my treatments.. I bleed alone in the dark rain hidden away from the world.. My life continues to complicate with every waking moment... But this is my normal, I just fantasize what it would b like to be different, better.. I can't even imagine it anymore.. Seem to break more pieces off myself everyday, just trying not to breakdown.. But I think I'm going to before it ends.. Only to add more shame.. I don't know who I am anymore .. The thoughts just do their own things anymore and feel like everyone would be happier if I could dissapear forever, I've only ever just wanted to know what happy feels like ... Things are way out of my control, end up making it harder.. But its what I'm here for I guess.. I'm just so sad and dissapointed.. I'll be fine... Thanks for reminding me that there are some in the world that know... Wish no one had to know these feelings though.. I've been afraid for too long.. Will stop writing now..
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#38
Aug 16, 2016, 08:59 AM
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Well, a few things you can do, if you're not doing already:
Start gratitude lists. I know it sounds corny but it can totally help to focus on something to be grateful for and put it on a list. Be honest on the list and it can be anything big or small and can be part of your past but it's BEST to focus on PRESENT things you're grateful about. Avoid caffeine for now. If you're the type to drink tons of coffee or tea.. start gradually cutting down and use an over the counter pain medicine.. maybe acetominophen. Avoid alcohol and drugs. You need to get your body to it's healthiest state so that you can begin to effectively fight against this challenge you face. Journal. Write in a journal every day - can be a simple document on your computer. Start by writing what you did that day, who you saw, etc and then write out the struggles, what you're feeling. Writing what you did might help you remember as much as possible. So glad you're open to seeing a therapist. The therapist will ask you what you hope to achieve with therapy so think about the specific ways you want to improve as you work through the depression.. Do you want to develop your social skills, job skills, etc. They can help you set whatever goals for yourself. Obviously, the first step is finding out what is wrong and hopefully finding a medication that helps you until you get stronger. Welcome to the forums and keep coming back! Come visit us in the chatrooms. Very nice people to talk to when you need emotional support, or even if you just want to veg out and talk about nothing. Take care! |
| elevatedsoul
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#39
Aug 16, 2016, 11:55 AM
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i have tried many things you know
tried to journal, that just weirded me out because end up writing a bunch of stuff and reading it back later and just feeling really weird so i stopped doing that.. talk to myself enough in my head, dont really want to see it on paper too at this point.. tried to do gratification lists but im just really exhausted or something... because i cant really think of anything anymore... there are things i should feel better about but.. whats the use in writing things down on a list like that if i am not really grateful for them.. i dunno.. have cut out alot of the caffeine as i used to drink like .. pots and pots all day, but that was a good few years ago.. only have maybe 2-3 cups a day now and the rest i just drink water... dont eat sweets or sodas... dont really eat much of anything i guess i cant use alcohol and drugs as much as i would like because i simply cant, no money, no access, so some might think thats good and all.. but i miss having the few pain free moments that i could achieve... but whatever... pain is one of my names i guess... its all fine.. it doesnt matter anymore the first therapists i had i was a bit different.. dunno when i changed but atleast now im more interested in doing it rather than having to force myself to do it from the inside causing panic and severe anxiety.. she' is interested in helping in the best ways that she can it seems so i guess its ok.. i just dont like people to see my weakness, how i am broken, to be vulnerable visibly.. but i have no choice, if i ever want to get out of this trap i have to trap myself in this i would visit the chat rooms but talking isn't something very good or easy for me.. i cant present myself and i more often than not just go into hiding and will become who i need to make things ok and bearable so maybe some time in the future when i get a handle on myself i can try chat rooms.. writing in forum thread isn't as bad because i can spend a couple hours trying to figure out what to say and re-re-reading what i write to try to make sure that its ok to say.. take care.. 
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#40
Aug 16, 2016, 02:07 PM
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Elevated Soul,
Your very depressed, hopeless feelings, combined with what sounds like lack of motivation/exhaustion and not eating much all point to the likelihood that you have clinical depression. Have you told your therapist about these symptoms and has she diagnosed you with clinical depression? If you have it, you may find that you need medication to help stabilize you before you can do much work on yourself in terms of changing anything. Depression does a real number on us, not only taking away our energy, hope, appetite, etc., but it also messes with our thinking and emotions. I had a severe clinical breakdown several years ago and had to take medication and have weekly therapy for many months before I was level enough to begin addressing my problems, issues, and trying out new coping skills and so on. I was in the same place years ago that you are at now. So much of what you said sounds like the same things that were running through my mind. The guilt, shame, feeling worthless, unloved, invisible... Why not make it a goal just to keep your regular therapy appointments and consult with a psychiatrist to find out if you need medication to help stabilize you. Just those two things for right now. Therapy appts and medication if you need it. The other stuff you want to change will come later, when you are in a better place psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I know how much you hate having to hide your true self because other people can't understand what you're going through. But if your therapist is skilled in dealing with trauma, depression, and dissociation, you will find over time that you can trust her enough to start showing her those pained and hidden parts of you that need comfort and healing. It might take awhile before you feel trusting enough to share what's going on inside you with your therapist. But if she is worth her salt, she will prove by her actions that she is worthy of your trust. I also know that you feel that everybody else with problems like yours, here on PC, are doing better than you are, and that we have managed to have a decent life in spite of our problems. But it didn't happen overnight. Many of us, including me, have been working on our healing in therapy for a number of years, or have spent years in therapy and are now managing our issues successfully on our own now, after learning how to do it. Allow yourself the time and patience to take one little step at a time. Peaches |
| elevatedsoul
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#41
Aug 16, 2016, 03:16 PM
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yeah.. i mean she knows things i suppose but its hard for people to see things on the surface because of how i am or something
i dont know what her dx for me is yet and haven't really asked, she has told me that i seem to have c-ptsd and dissociative experiences.. i cant really remember much of what she has said though for some reason which really gets on my nerves.. the psychologist in january dx me with severe major depressive disorder reccurrent without psychotic features so it is in the records atleast.. but i have been trying to get 'help' for the past... 5 years.. its just for 2012-2015 they tried treating me for bipolar innefectively .. didnt help the depression or anxiety or anything and they just kept telling me i was manic which i really could not understand because i didn't see or feel it at all, have never felt manic or experienced it before... being on a handful of antipsychotics and moodstabilizers and antidepressants and everything should of fixed it i would of thought but it didnt.. now im only taking wellbutrin because my GP was scared of prescribing anything more and i didnt want to see the pdoc again since he was frustrated with me or something because of the innefectiveness ... but im seeing a new pdoc next week and hopefully she will listen to me a little more this time instead of ignoring everything i tried to say... i've lived like this my entire life so its nothing new, im just wishing that maybe things could change some how.. but i have nothing else to do so continuing to try isn't really that bad... whatelse is there to do? doing nothing doesnt solve anything.. battle of the wills im not really thinking about much besides the treatment right now.. like you said... discovering the issues and hopefully ways to fix them.. i hope i didnt offend by saying that about everyone else having a normal life, i wasn't really talking about anyone on psych central but was just talking about my siblings you know.. dunno why i broke so much and they survived in 1 piece, sure they have challenges... but they can face them as a whole person you know..? i know it takes work.. but i've been trying for these past 5 years atleast, with the "profesionals" help, and seem to have not been heard at all.. haven't really made any progress besides getting better control over alcohol/substance use.. but ceasing to use those things to cover up symptoms have caused a terrible reaction inside that has just woken up alot of parts that have been trying to hide and sleep i guess for a long time, to drown them out? or to feel what i dont want to feel i dont want to self medicate, but i also dont want to let this stuff kill me.. walking a fine line, balancing act, trying to keep things from crashing down and shattering the remaining pieces that are trying to move forward i dont like to sound like i am complaining.. im not complaining.. its all gonna be fine.. just dont want anyone to judge me or think that i am bitter... dont want to offend anyone or make anything worse for anyone failure doesn't seem to be an option so it'll be ok, im just really confused and not able to think very well.. tired and trying as hard as i can to do everything right.. some day it would be nice to feel alive, i dont remember what that feels like.. but then again i cant really remember anything... not sure if i ever felt alive either, so hopefully i can just discover it and find peace its really difficult when you have too many thoughts at the same time, "this way, this way, this way" no you cant go in every direction at the same time dont be dumb   patience is easy when time doesnt exist you know, it just feels like a never ending momemt, no rest for the wicked i suppose its ok, its ok.. just hope maybe some medicine they let me try will have an effect this time.. and the doc doesnt get mad if it doesnt work... or think that i am a liar and just not taking the meds... because i have always tried to do everything they say.. and taking a handful of those potent medicines just is not fun if they dont even believe you are taking them...
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