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#1
Jul 22, 2016, 08:42 PM
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overload...
i cant do this much longer... please help... i just need some kind of form of encouragement... therapy next week... i cant cope... i try these simple coping skills... deeep breathe.... 4 seconds in 8 seconds out... count objects... notice smells... sounds... feel sensations... its backfiring... i am trapped... overloading... its bad... it hurts... but then i go away... and its happening too much... too fast... my head spins... what am i doing? where am i going..? wait... did i say what am i doing..? i dont know if anyone can understand what i mean... to fall in and out, realizing you are here repeatedly because you keep disapearing... what... i cant focus... not easy to explain these things for me... i dont like to talk... i like to just stay alone and be quiet... please make the noise go away i need silence... but there is no silence... there is no escape.. i cant stay away... cant turn it off... cant just get over it... cant cope... dont know why im so stupid these tools dont work... im so broken that i cant ... whatever... i dont know what i am going to do... i cant live like this... i hate this life... i hate the pain... i hate my problems.... get worse... how can things get better...? when i cant focus long enough to make a difference... i just want to hide... i am hurt... why cant i just go away for ever... i dont know... i just dont know.... overload... i am going to explode... flush the world down the commode... my soul erodes... going down these roads... try to hold on... pay attention whats going on... but everything blurs past the perception... a demonic possession... evil conception... i want out... cry and pout... but no noise is made... locked in a cage... this world the maze... pain drops me to my knees... begging stop please... allow my release... something less atleast... unheard... perturbed... disturbed... murdered... who am i... its not fair... i thought it was clear... but my explanations are no were near... the words elude those whom could guide me... casting illusions on those whom i could confide in... why does the mind want me to suffer... its not fair... i cant live with this... what day is it? its been a week... since you've been asleep... im growing so weak... please the pain is too steep... i am misery... and i am history... overload... no where to go anymore... to be called out... casting doubt... to show the exterior world... just how much i hurl... i am scared there is no help for someone so shattered... i will just anger everyone that tries to help for their attempts failing in vain... its not fair... why such a conviction... disease with a mission... just maybe a little encouragement of some form... dont know what anyone could do or say... but just trying anyway...   
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 Anonymous43209, Anonymous48690, Fuzzybear, LeeeLeee, Luce, LucyD, Wild Coyote, Yours_Truly
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#2
Jul 22, 2016, 09:34 PM
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You sound like you are in so much pain. I hope you can move through this pain into a safe place in your mind. I also think you might want to contact your t and see if you move up your appointment. There are also hotlines in most cities that can be there for you when you need them. I truly hope you will be feeling stronger and safer soon. Don't lose hope.
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| elevatedsoul
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#3
Jul 23, 2016, 03:05 AM
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thanks..
i cant move the appointment because it was already re-scheduled to next week because she had to do a meeting of some sort on the last appointment at the 15th... feel like she is trying to learn about these things because its not something she really deals with... just hope that i dont cause too much trouble... even if i could move it i have a lot of challenges... i can't drive due to ptsd stuff... and its difficult for me to get my father to take me because i havea lot of shame and guilt and dont like to cause any... you know... trouble... its easy to feel trapped with no escape... agoraphobia... panic... cptsd... where am i going to go even if i did... there is no where i want to be... im trying really hard to survive... but its difficult to really even imagine anything being different ever... i have telephobia as well... lots of problems... im practically a mute when it comes to communication... its not easy for me to talk... i dont know why im like this... its just getting to much for me because im realizing how bad it is... how can you not know for so long? where have i been...? it doesnt matter anyway... i am flooded with things i need to say to T... but the tides go both ways... i end up neutralized, or paralized or whatever... nothing to be said, just hear what im not saying.... Please Hear What I'm Not Saying ? Charles C. Finn Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying, what I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I don't like hiding. I don't like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you've got to help me. You've got to hold out your hand even when that's the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings-- very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings! With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to. Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet. sorry to bring about such dismal appearance... i am afraid...
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| Anonymous37827, Anonymous48690, Fuzzybear, LucyD, Wild Coyote
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 Wild Coyote
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#4
Jul 23, 2016, 06:11 AM
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Are you able to write down your primary concerns to give your t? If you could pare back your posts to the nitty gritty, say five or six sentences that sum up what you want the most help with, what would that look like?
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#5
Jul 23, 2016, 02:15 PM
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Thanks for posting that poem ES --- Crazy powerful, and scarily spot on. Will be using that one in the future.
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#6
Jul 23, 2016, 04:44 PM
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Sending hugs >>>>
__________________
 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
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#7
Jul 23, 2016, 05:19 PM
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Make note cards because if you are like me, I forget everything and that every thing is fine and dandy- sorry for waisting your time!
Then I get down the road aways when everything starts coming back as I kick myself in the butt. 
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| LucyD
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#8
Jul 23, 2016, 07:59 PM
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thanks...
i love that poem as well, i think im going to take it to give to her.. dunno if she may have already come by it or not but either way it cant hurt.. i have been trying to write down some focal points that disturb me since before i ever started treatment back in 2011... started off as just listing crazy symptoms, but back then they never really seemed to care much about reading it... so i stopped taking notes on symptoms at some point... i dont really have any memory of it all though, i actually cant remember anything but thats just so extraordinary that i dont think anyone really believes me... wish it wasn't true... i have been trying to think of what i could write down to explain my predicament since i started talking to her though because she is really nice and i think she would atleast listen and give me benefit of the doubt... i go through atleast thousands of scenarios in the mind everyday trying to contemplate a way that i can say things... to no avail... i over analyze everything and over complicate everything because i just dont want to embarrass myself and make myself look like a fool... but i guess the truth is i already look like a fool so i dont know why i even care about it at this point  the only way i am able to talk to her seems to be to break it down into singular words that are not very descriptive... and i just know that is not helpful and probably just slowing down things... how can you help someone when they just tell you, i have pretty bad depression... anxiety is bad... i dont know whats happening... memory is nonexistant... blahblah... why not give some form of detail? how does it effect you? but no.. the biggest problem right now i think is the memory because i dont think i can get anywhere without remembering what i talk to her about... i cant remember what happens during the day, minute to minute literally... time really doesnt exist for me... dunno what happens during the week... or inbetween appointments... there just is no memory, or if there is memory then there is no recall... and its ridiculous... i put on a good show apparently, no body calls me out and says im weird or says anything bad... no one really ever asks if i am ok because i guess i seem perfectly fine around people... makes you feel really retarded... but then you think, maybe you have to be really smart to do those things? but thats just an arrogant thought so it cant be true... i guess my problem is that i think i know what it is but i wont accept it, i wont even begin to mention it to anyone or her and i know that she is probably the one person that i could talk to... but i dunno what she would say... and i feel like an idiot... im wanting to take in this journal that i filled up and point out a couple things because i think when i talk to her its difficult for her to see any anxiety or depression, but in the journal there are so many crazy things i just dont want her to see... but maybe those are things she needs to see... i dont want to sabotage any help she could offer... but i feel like thats what i am doing... not on purpose though... i just hate it... if i could just have some form of continuity with memory maybe i could formulate some type of sentences that would seem ok enough to say.. because i know i have came to agreement on some things to say but i forgot what i wanted to say im really tired and i feel like im getting weaker... something happened to me at the beginning of this year during the severe major depressive episode and... i dunno what happened... but something changed... things just seem different but... it feels like time is running out and things are going to revert and if i dont do something fast i wont be able to make the difference i wanted to... i know i dont make much sense... but its because im confused too and i feel like i dont have all the information i need but i have only enough to be able to get things going which i have actually jump started things and kicked things into gear... talked to these people and got the paper work filled out... they know there is a big problem but i just... its so hard when you are fighting to stay here you know..? walking around and realizing that you are not really all the way here, but popping back in every few steps verifying things are still on track... im just really disappointed... things were supposed to be different, but there is too much inside that i cant handle you know..? i mean, i am not even able to utilize huge parts of the brain because of whatever it is and it causes you to feel like you are just... i really dont know how to put it into words... there is no continuity, its a dream state, surreal, no memory, blah... writing this even im having a difficult time... im inside a gelatin bubble that blurs the world but i am trying as hard as i can to reach out to someone that may can pull me out or atleast tell me whats going on... but i am fine... the memory issue and lack of ... consciousness... for lack of better word... helps me to survive the extreme ... pain... i guess... but it hinders recovery at the same time... im just tired of looking like everything is fine when on the inside i am near death... no one believes me... dunno why people cant listen when i do say the smallest bit... they shrug it off like i am exaggerating, when i am really undercutting the severity drastically... but what can you do... im just really exhausted from all of this stuff... sick of the issues... and just want a normal life... maybe if i tried to do this a long time ago it wouldnt be so complicated... but i wasn't even really awake my whole life... 27 years old (wow...) like 9720 some days give or take... 233280 hours or so... and all for naught...? not a memory to my name, besides some incredibly disturbing flashbacks... what a life... blah  im afraid there is no escape... afraid that there is no way to recover from such... just wish i really knew what was wrong... atleast then the enemy would have a face... i really dont like putting things like this here... or anywhere, dont like anyone to know that i really am really sick... but im afraid that if no one knows, including myself, that this will be the end of me... till the end of days, which who knows is how long... would like to be able to open my eyes and smile, content, feel happy with what i am surrounded... i cant even imagine... cant even imagine a place that i could feel that... i dunno what its like at all... and it makes me so sad... especially when you can see some one else so happy, not to envy... but to wonder if they are really happy or if they are broken as you and the world just sees you as fine too... this stuff is really making me so sick again... i feel the depressive episode that never recovered... i try to keep it at bay, some times i lose entire days to it... or more i dunno time is not my friend... but the moment feels like an everlasting moment, there are no seconds or minutes... its just a stretched out moment that is never ending... i dont want that depressive episode to take back over... im already depressed with the way things are... if it wakes back up i dont think i can handle it this time because i have no medicine due to no pdoc to see me right now and gp is scared to rx anything... and i cant self medicate because of other issues at the home... well... im just gonna stop writing again, need to go smoke a cigarette... thanks for letting me just write nonsense... much love.. 
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| LucyD, Michelea
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#9
Jul 23, 2016, 09:37 PM
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i know it probably seems like im being melodramatic... and i apologize if i am, i truly am in a lot of trouble though... and it truly is difficult being like this... and i truly dont know how to put it into words... but im concerned that i actually may be dieing because of the way i am feeling.. slowly drifting away, unaware... until im completely gone.. like maybe its not a mental disorder... maybe my body is really just physically shutting down... its just hard to try to figure out why else im having weird symptoms... why im so out of it and disconnected... why any of this you know and if i am, then its just really not fair... i've always been good to everyone i have ever met, atleast to my knowledge... i always try to be selfless and help everyone that i ever am in front of... super polite and everything... yet i may die without ever knowing what happiness feels like..? that sucks.. dunno why im so nice to everyone around me when im on my last legs.. but im hoping that is not the case and that its just something else and that maybe some how i can gain some sort of control back, some sort of collaboration.. regain piece by piece and put together myself so that i can have a life too, that is if this is the real world and im not already dead... or in hell... wish i knew how to express myself... but the truth is i have never been able to i vaguely remember people would tell me to just be myself, and i remember the confused feeling i would have when they told me because i was just like... what am i doing wrong? i didnt know that i wasnt being myself.. this is so messed up... i need some wine 
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| Fuzzybear, kecanoe, LucyD
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#10
Jul 23, 2016, 09:54 PM
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Sorry you are feeling so bad. Have you got medication for depression?
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Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
| LucyD
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#11
Jul 24, 2016, 12:48 AM
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i dunno why but i always feel so stupid after posting
well.. at the clinic they are supposed to be trying to expedite me an appointment with the pdoc... but they aren't really taking on new patients for medication right now due to doctor transition... but i am taking the wellbutrin.. as long as i remember to take it, you would think after being on it a year i would remember fairly easily, but usually i end up realizing few hours after i wake up that i havent taken it.. atleast i hope im not doubling it and taking it too many times a day  guess i should start using that weekly planner again :/ but the wellbutrin doesnt really do anything... i mean, honestly.. i was on a lot of meds last year? or.. well when i started going to this clinic in 2012 the pdoc put me on a bunch... but they didnt really help either and i think i just pissed him off and he thought i wasnt listening or taking the meds or something because he put down that i was noncompliant... which i am super compliant.. so it really was like... re-traumatizing to have to go through the way he treated me... just would not listen to anything i said... so im glad that he's gone from the clinic now and i hope the new doctor they get will be different.. dunno why the meds dont really help though... the therapist said that its because its not a chemical problem but more like psychological stuff... atleast someone told me that... maybe it was the psychologist back in january.. but im ok... things are just really wack and weird for me right now... kinda feel like im losing my mind... but i tell myself that you cant lose your mind if you have already lost it hehe but i really do think that ive gone insane or something... my brain just is not working the way its supposed to i just feel really out of it all the time... and i never noticed it till some time around the beginning of the year... i mean i noticed but i never payed attention because i was always drinking and smoking and stuff so when you're buzzing you dont really pay attention to this kind of feeling... but im sober now and its really messin with my head... ya know? but its ok... i just have to figure things out.. just wish i could keep my thoughts together and focus so i could talk to the therapist about this stuff.. i mean hmm.. maybe i have been talking about it, i really cant remember what i have told her... besides some key points of things that im pretty sure i have mentioned... like the abuse... i just know that i havent talked about it, yet... i hope.. but i dont want to make any one worry, its all good... all is well that ends well... really appreciate the platform here... even though i always feel kind of silly after writing some thoughts out... i totally avoid re-reading though to avoid triggering the same emotions or whatever.. so apologies if i get to sounding too... dark... thanks again... im gonna try to go to sleep, dont think i have been sleeping very much ultimately... 
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| avlady, LucyD
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#12
Jul 24, 2016, 01:10 AM
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I am so saddened that I missed this post when it first came in. Sending the kind of love that those two angels you posted a picture of above would send.
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My gummy-bear died. My unicorn ran away. My imaginary friend got kidnapped. The voices in my head aren't talking to me. Oh no, I'm going sane! |
| avlady, elevatedsoul, LucyD
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#13
Jul 24, 2016, 09:29 AM
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| avlady, elevatedsoul, LucyD
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#14
Jul 24, 2016, 11:20 AM
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  ((((((( elevatedsoul )))))) Peace, Healing, Joy  WC |
| avlady, elevatedsoul, LucyD
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#15
Jul 24, 2016, 01:56 PM
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i appreciate it... i am ok though really, there is no option but to be right?
it just really does piss me off that i get to feeling like that and then i feel like this and im like wtf is your problem? cant you just stay in one bubble? know what i mean? but i dont want to think about it, dont want to remember, gotta make it go away for as long as possible atleast until i learn how to handle it just kind of really getting sick of the back and forth as of late.. huge question mark pops over your head and end up feeling like... nothing, empty, who the hell am i? and why are these feelings doing this to me? but i dont want to be consumed by anything anymore, i wanna just stay away from all of that feeling stuff, really cant understand why i cant just stay one way... i think im just tricking myself into different modes like a fool just retarded because im tired of it and dunno why i would keep doing it to myself... then i have to deal with these crazy dreams that keep me from sleeping... i woke up in the middle of one, i cant remember what i was dreaming of course but i was really out of it... looked around a couple times and didnt know where i was... couldnt figure out who i was... was like wtf... i dont even want to know! this is still part of the dream i figured and tried to close my eyes and forget about it... slowly orientation came back and i fell back to sleep... still wasn't aware though... i hate it when that happens... strangest feeling in the world... thats why i think my brain is dieing :/ its just not normal... or natural... litterally jumping out of the bed confused as hell as to whats going on, where you are, who you are, why everything looks so strange, i dunno.. i dont wanna think about it stupid dreams...  
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| avlady, LucyD
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#16
Jul 24, 2016, 10:34 PM
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 nvm   im just being rash again.. ill let you know what happens after friday
Possible trigger:
   
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Jul 24, 2016 at 11:06 PM. |
| avlady
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#17
Jul 30, 2016, 01:41 PM
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the heart is still pumping the life fluids through the body for the continuance of sustaining my life force..
i have the option of going to the hospital and making myself feel worse by putting myself in an extremely uncomfortable and possibly re-traumatic experience for the ability to be put on with my clinics psychiatric doctors care, or the continuance of the war in the same battlefield i have been traversing until the new pdoc arrives in the clinic which could be who knows how long... i for one don't want to spend 1 day in the hospital because of my circumstances although it could remedy my pdoc issue, i am not very interested in causing myself even more distress and pain that will linger for more years to come just to have them made happy enough to see me and treat me with medicine... its not easy to explain the type of pain that is created from putting myself and allowing myself to be put into these positions again and again if i continue to do it i will lose all trust for my own self and i know where that will lead, it is what i want to avoid so i can't allow them to take me to the hospital.. so i am at a loss for what to really do, examining the rules and looking at other options to try to find a small loop hole to try to allow me to be taken on the psychiatric team at the clinic without being admitted to the hospital.. i am going to speak with my case manager on the 2nd and try to explore as many options as i can think of.. but i am scared that i will once again be tricked into going into the hospital and then being trapped there without an escape and if i find myself there again i am going to flip out because its the absolute one thing that i do not agree with.. not fair for them to lock me in a building and tell me that things will be ok when they cant even see or understand my dilemma, to continuously misunderstand what is happening inside and to dictate to me what is going on when i know they dont have a clue because my mind is so tricky and manipulative... i would just be stuck there for how ever many days again, unaware, get home, and then be pissed off that i was in the hospital for such time and not made any progress or anyone seeing any of my symptoms because they retreat in threatening situations, its not very fair well, i am in a war- i guess there will be casualties; sigh        
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| Anonymous37827, avlady, LucyD
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#18
Jul 30, 2016, 05:34 PM
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Quote:
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Be like water making its way through cracks, do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, if nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. --Bruce Lee |
| avlady
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#19
Jul 30, 2016, 09:47 PM
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i found an old writing i did a long time ago and im just wondering where did this guy go..?
i can sort of remember the positivity... that was a good feeling, something i miss especially sitting here in despair looking through the old hard drives at a bunch of old files... what happened to me? i think i killed him or something... Greetings, Many of us wake up feeling nervous about the day. We think of the things we need to accomplish, the things that we wont be able to accomplish, how we will or will not be able to do those things. And often times we end up thinking about all of those things before even getting out of bed in the morning. We need to trust a little more. More in ourselves. Trying our hardest and doing everything that we can to accomplish the things we need to do is all that any of us can do, we can only do our best knowing that we are doing all that we can do. We have to be at peace with that and knowing that should also help us relax quite a bit finding patience within ourselves for ourselves. Trusting ourselves knowing that we are doing the best we can, doing all that we can, being patient with the outcomes and trusting that everything will work out because of our efforts. Because of our focus and intentions being pure. Because of our nature being true. For if we are focused, intent, pure of heart with our actions. We can do anything we set our minds to and the outcome will always be good. So even though we may wake a bit shaken, we can rest comfortably knowing these things. Continue working for what you want but instead of feeling down, feel good about yourself for trying so hard. Be proud of yourself and recognize your efforts. Recognize your strength and know that everything will work out with the best of our intentions Have a Great Day, J* ---- and a poem..? A State of Love I wake. Previously dreaming my life was at stake. I tremble, I shake. Even my bed begins to quake. Remembering dreams still fresh in my mind. Glancing through this window of time, thinking of mine. How I would rewind, unbind my self from imminent crimes. But this quest called life that I am here to endure May at times seem unbelievably prime, Unable to understand I had a plan, I marked my land I took a stand but as a single fish in a school My movement blended in, What seems to be unfortunate An ache that I cant mistake, to be lost this way And through this day, I will continue to weigh my chance Fighting for this dance, a desire that could rise no higher Looking for a chance, to reveal this fire I am no liar, You are my lifes desire To hold you in my arms under all circumstances I fight for this every night, with you in my sight I will always have the might to when this fight. You are my Strength, My Love, My Passion, My Desire, My Sweetheart and My Everything else. You are my my world and I will always be strengthened by the look in your eyes. J*
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| Anonymous37827, avlady, Luce
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#20
Jul 31, 2016, 10:15 PM
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Good to see you, ES.
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| avlady
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#21
Aug 01, 2016, 12:31 AM
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trying not to disappear...
think that when things get like this for me though i just end up hiding and wanting to be alone... i hate confusion but i dunno why i am so confused... i have pretty much given up on figuring things out you know so i dunno why it persists...? thought that it would get better if i just quit it, but who am i foolin? yell at it that you dont even want to know anymore but yet something drags you along, kicking, just let me go for crying out loud.. i dunno... i made a post on the other side of the forums... http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...orderline.html my head hurts dont think it will stop until the answers are displayed... this is when things turn to the bottle you know? how can a thought make your body hurt... nightmares nightmares, go away staring at me through the bay.. wont retreat no matter the pay outward i run and pain that stays.. my brain undone that which laze you know that feeling when it feels like it just doesnt matter anymore..? you try and try... but just really doesnt seem to matter because you are trapped... really no escape its ok though... nothing new... just thought it would be gone by now, didnt expect it to stick around my whole life
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| LucyD
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| lost1969
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#22
Aug 04, 2016, 08:03 PM
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| LucyD
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#23
Aug 05, 2016, 02:29 AM
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i guess i kind of just want to say sorry for writing so many weird things that probably have been really disturbing to read.. i hope that i haven't triggered or caused any issues for anyone...
honestly i don't know whats happening to me in my life right now, well... i dont think i have ever really known for my entire life.. but i am trying to flip power on to parts and places inside of me that have been... litterally... destroyed and ransacked probably by my own hands, well.. after the initial traumas ceased and other traumatic events started to replace... which in the end i just started to create my own traumatic experience to keep everything in lockdown, keep my world so full of smoke and mirrors that i couldn't see that there are no roads... i thought there were many, and running around frantically i have been... when you place yourself in a box full of many mirrors and smokey haze that fogs your mind you think there are ways out, ways around the scary monsters that are behind the mirrors... but you forget that you are locked in a box and its just mirrors casting reflections upon each others creating the illusions of paths or exits... you forget many things... but its part of the game i guess, lets trick the mind- if we do this then we can atleast believe there is a way out; but is there really a way? not without destroying and shattering the mirrors that have been put in place to protect from the monsters the shield... but you even have to remember and realize that you are trapped in a box and don't get anywhere no matter how far in 1 direction you walk... or run... this room that i have been put in is the maze that i created for this 'dream' to continue... how else could you live with yourself? but to be fooled by reflections of things that dont exist... have i moved an inch at all during my periodic fleeing? becoming so numb over the years you dont even realize that you cant move from the spot in the mirrored room... chained to the floor, not allowed to even discover the illusion that is created to keep the mirrors in place... i have to ask, how is it that one could go on and on for so long without even realizing? but maybe its something in the smoke... the smoke must cause some sort of disorientation, some ability to fog the clarity of what should be clear... its not clear, is it? i am trying to become courageous... i want to be strong enough to not care what is blocked on the outside, or why i am trapped inside... but fear is something that fuels the exhaustion... fear can break you down to submit to foes you could easily dismantle... why choose the 'easy' way out by submission? or is it really the easy way at all... what does easy mean? the mind becomes twisted on these terms... understanding of what something is meant to be is lost... the mirrors twist reality in a way to make the right seem wrong, the wrong seem right... the wrong seem strong, the right become the plight... you retreat into the arms of misery... letting the ones you fear most comfort you... you are comforted by the familiarity of that which you know to be there... and frightened by that which you are told is better... scared of that something which could shatter it all... what would happen to me if my chain is broken? if the smoke clears and my minds fog lifts... what if the relfections break and true paths are shown? could you even have the strength to step in those direction...? i have been acting out against those that hurt... the ones that beckon to comfort with the familiar pain... shouting you know not the horrors that lie beyond the mirrors, why leave me? why take the chance of true destruction... dont you want to survive? stay with us... emotions erode such as the canyons of the world... the beautiful falls turn to dry chasms... what once you could know and understand... to feel these ones, become darkened... numbed, to smile becomes a reflex... to hate becomes a reflex... to flee becomes a reflex... to turn and face another mirror becomes a reflex.... how many moments have passed? how many years has it been since i have known where i came from? how long has it been since what i have felt to be a true emotion...? i dont even know what is it to feel an emotion... lost in the mirrors reflection an infinite gaze of confusion... look inwards, but where have my innards gone? everything has been taken to build the box... this box is where i reside, my survival is in here... to keep the world from getting in and destroying what that i have left, but what have i left? am i even part of this 'game' anymore..? how many mirrors does it take... how many reflections until the reflections become more real that you? how you can determine the truth from the smoke? is that another mirror over there? or is my eyes just burning and watering over from the smokey in my eye... the chains hurt, but i know i am in place... i cant be taken away as long as they are not broken... but i turn, but the more i go, i become to spin... i am moving faster now, i am looking around and desiring the true... but where has it gone? and the frantic bit begins... seeking to unlock the chains so i can touch the mirrors to see if they are real, to see if maybe they are true paths out... to wonder if maybe i should have courage to walk away and to see outside for myself... what should i expect? i want to know what the feelings are... to discover true emotions and learn to understand what it means to be real, to have real feelings that maybe aren't surrounded by the plight and fear... i have seen that many many people don't have this fears... they don't have the chains or stand in front of the hall of mirrors... they can see clearly and there is no smoke... but what if the clearing of these things are met with my demise... to stay safe where you have locked yourself for years? or to break out and try to see if there is something safer than these fears... i have been working for this for a long time.... but i can not doubt the fear, fear is what i know... its the only thing that i can understand, i dont know what anything else really feels like... but i am afraid, and i know what it feels like to be afraid... but i see through some reflections that people smile, it looks so nice sometimes i want to smile.. i want to hug without fearing being stabbed in the back or choked to death... to walk with someone without fearing them pushing me over a cliff... to talk with someone without fearing their twist my words to use in a horrible way against me... to make a friend without fear of this person being the worse enemy of all... who are these people? i don't know what to do... i lost control so many years ago... but i am fighting to make things right... i just need to understand why to be afraid...? i should be strong enough and big enough to fight off anyone that want to hurt me... i should be scary enough my self to be able to protect myself without having to be afraid or being chained in a mirror room... i am tired of the way things have gone for all these years and i am fighting to make things better the best i can... but i feel very alone and afraid because i am trying to break the rules... but i dont want to break the rules and make things bad, to make things worse... i dont want to be more afraid.... if you follow the rules things can be shhhhhhhh, and you know you dont have to worry about anything getting worse you know..? but i know now that things really can change if i can figure out what to do... i just have to figure out what to do so i try so hard to pay attention... try to learn so i can do what i need to to make things work for the good of everyone and me... but im scared that i really am just going to mess up everything and then what... i dont want to die, all i wanted was to smile and know what something else feels like than to be afraid... im tired of fear... i dont want to be afraid anymore... im sorry to you all here because i know that before there were lots of scary things posted... i dont normally let things like that happen but i have been having such a hard time... i usually am good at keeping those kind of embarrassing things locked away... but i guess when you fight against yourself things happen and you can act foolish... i just hope that no one will ever read any stupid things i say and judge me because of it... i wish some of those things in the past have never been posted but i cant go back and delete them, and i dont want to go back and read any of them because i know they are scary... i dont even want to know what is in them... and dont really want to delete them because in a sense its part of whats happening to me... i just want people not to be mad at me for having really stupid things said... and people to know that i am trying really hard to do things very difficult for me right now... trying to understand what i have become.... trying to learn what i am suposed to do... and trying to survive through it without really destroying myself completely.. i am trying so hard to understand what is happening to me but it seem that when i try hard... when i try really hard to focus... pay attention... to feel things... to really really try hard to pull myself to the present... things get so chaotic.. like that saying you know they say dont rock the boat? well i guess i have been shaking it pretty hard out of frustration because im tired of being in the dark about everything... but its pushing and shaking back really hard too... im just so confused and the only thing that i can figure is that i am so used to dissociating so much so heavily that is hard for me to really grasp anything... but im fighting with myself about it because my experience feels so strange and i have tried to educate myself as best i can and still continue trying to learn but it just seems like im really broken or something.... i dont really know anyone like me or have never talked to someone so lost as me... never read any stories about someone being so confused... read anything about someone being so far gone that ... well just look at me... i get these feelings that come from inside that make me so crazy... melancholic depression... a state that i cant escape, but no one can see it because i seem to disappear and take care of things the way that i have to to avoid making things worse... fall into the embrace of the pain, the pain will take me there... but no one must know, and no one will know ... when i mumble or blurt it out by accident, no one will believe me... to be alone, but surrounded by foes and so called friends alike... but the friends are just as foe as the enemy within... suicidal ideations riddle myself with a puzzled misunderstanding... i dont want to die at all, all i ever wanted was to be alive... to have a chance at happiness, to know what it feels like to experience the warm embrace of joy... contentedness... i dont know why i am writing anything like this, i dont think that it makes much sense to most people... but i cant tell anyone because no one listens or cares or believes me anyway... so i end up trapped in the locked mirror room... with my chains holding me in place so that i wont **** up and try to run down a false path that is only a relfection of something that will cause great pain... there is no escape... i am trapped... but i want it to stop... i want to be free.. and i want to see the real world, to have these feelings and know what the emotions are... to be able to sit down and tell someone, even if just my therapist, to tell her "this is what i feel" but time and time again she and they ask, how are you? what have you been doing since the last time? what are you supposed to say... when you are trappped in a moment.. trapped behind a thousand mirrors with false reflections that have become more real than you... "i dont know... i dont know how i have been... i dont know what i have done..." the same ol' i suppose.... i tell her that i am still just trying... but you know how bad my memory is... i plead on the inside, please grab my hand and dont let go, they tell me many sweet nothings but it is painful, the pain keeps me here because i know what the pain is... to risk more ? to be... or not to be... i wish for her to slap me out of it... but ive the feeling that a good beating wouldnt make it stop... dont let me go, please find me and bring me out of this lock and chain, tell me that its safe to leave, i dont want to stay in here any longer...  sorry about past crazies... trying not to let them come through more... no sense in attacking the air, dont want anyone to see me in despair...
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| Anonymous37827, Luce, LucyD
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#24
Aug 05, 2016, 03:19 AM
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I think you're wonderful ES. I reckon you should take a chance and smash those mirrors, open the windows and let the smoke out, and see what's on the other side. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised.
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| elevatedsoul
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#25
Aug 05, 2016, 08:19 AM
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Boy that was a lot to read but interesting and lovely. I can relate to alot of it too. I have a hard time getting my thoughts together sometimes and this says it all.
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| elevatedsoul
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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