chapter 17

this book is a little vague... but seems to touch on a lot, but maybe its due to my interpretation being impaired... having lots of headaches losing focus... blahblah...

also besides the headaches there is pressure, the third eye area... i can feel it coming into my bridge of my nose, feels like a mask stapled to my head... or something, i cant explain it :/ but its different from the migraines because they hurt on the sides... sharp pain... this is just pressure?
im rambling, its nothing~

i just wanted to share a quote from this book, body keeps the score...

its got me a little confused though, but i guess im kind of used to being confused by now :/

im really drained of essence currently... here but not here... too much goin on, makng me feel trapped again... need an escape but dont see one
just trying to distract myself... failing at it but trying :scared:

need to stay busy... la la la la la...

yes great book. the part you quoted in simpler terms it means dont ignore or push away your ....feelings....welcome them all..

example when I am feeling depressed I have a habit of not paying attention to that feeling. I tend to say things to myself like I dont have time to be depressed today I have to get this that and the other thing done I dont have time to feel sad, grumpy, i dont want to feel the shame or guilt Im just going to go about my day...

now applying the book quote it says to welcome each feeling accept it for what it is...

ok Im feeling depressed today, I feel a bit grumpy. Im going to take a few moments to just sit here and feel depressed, feel grumpy, feel shamed and guilty. feelings are part of being human so its ok for me to feel depressed, grumpy shamed and guilty. breath yes I feel sad, yes I feel shame and guilt what am I feeling depressed about.. I feel sad because .....I feel grumpy because,.... I feel shame because.....is there anything I can do to help myself with these feelings that I am feeling? yes I can take a walk lets go feelings of depression lets go take a walk. lets go feelings of being grumpy lets go for a walk and just feel grumpy. lets go shame lets go take a walk while you are with me, ....

in other words the book quote wants you to recognize how you are feeling and not ignore, push away but just recognize them and its ok to feel them.

if you read your past posts you will find many times when you have already done this in your life, I have read many of your posts that state you naming what your feelings are (recognizing your feelings) and how to handle them.

The concept of the body holding trauma has been helpful to me in t. I don't know that I agree with the quote from Rumi. Or maybe I should say that I don't think Rumi has experienced what I have, so perhaps has no clue that some of the things that I feel are not messages from beyond, they are messages from me that can be helpful in figuring out how to heal.

its helping me understand the things that traumatized me... linking a past to the present... just have to learn to accept the past

pdoc tomorow...

i guess we have to mourn in a sense, a loss... loss of childhood, loss of love... safetey... mourning things lost

its painful... i think im gonna be going to the hospital soon.. i can feel it
just thought i could wait it out, see the pdoc, hopefully make some changes that can have some immediate form of actions to keep me from having to go into the hospital...

really dont wanna go to the hospital... but not sure what else to do, im in a downward spiral... if i dont then i might start self harming again or something... why doesnt the pain and suffereing end when the trauma ends... but i guess the trauma never really ends... atleast till you can process it... dont think ill ever be able to...
im scared... and tired... oh so tired... i dont wanna sleep anymore, wanna do stuff... but i cant do anything because im so tired... depression is draining it all i guess

We try to not get lost in ourselves....always glossing over the surface....a creature whose continual emotional stability is dependent on looking away from within in which lurks a dark ugly truth with many heads....

So embracing how one feels is quicksand to us.....a bottomless pit that leads to no where.

So we don't go there.

im stuck on this chapter...
in part of it it says "getting to know the internal landscape"
"the task of the therapist is to help patients seperate this confusing blend into separate entities, so that they are able to say: "this part of me is like a little child, and that part of me is more mature but feels like a victim."They might not like many of these parts, but identifying them makes them less intimidating or overwhelming"

ect...

is it true that you can become a blended mess....?

::
its not vague i think im just having trouble understanding...

from a DID point of view....this is exactly what you have been posting and wishing your treatment providers would do with you....

listen and believe you when you say you have alters. nows your chance to tell your treatment provider what its like for you to be each of your alters. the book wants you to think about each one and tell how it feels to be each one separately rather than lumping them all together saying I feel depressed and angry and tired and want to die and... nows your chance to slow down and figure out what each one is like and how it feels for you to be each of your alters.

(Hint... your past posts are full of this.. every time one of your alters posted and you have posted you were posting about you and your alters.)

I don't believe I have ever read that book.Is it specifically for DID?Just curious because there were some books I bought in the past that only caused more confusion for me and weren't helpful at all.One was about IFS(internal family systems therapy),which really isn't for those with DID.One that was for DID though,the book Got Parts?(or something like that)I didn't like at all because it talked about creating an inner landscape,naming parts,etc. and I just felt like it's not a one size fits all thing so trying to do what a book says to do doesn't work.And also felt it was wrong to try to be a 'how to' book.

Also wondering if the book is for DID because it doesn't sound right that "the task of the therapist is to help patients seperate this confusing blend into seperate entities".I believe the opposite is true for DID,and the therapist works towards blending and eventual integration and doesn't work towards creating even more seperation.Is it talking about getting to know the internal landscape,as in everyone has different parts,different sides to themselves?Because that's not the same as DID.

im not sure if its talking about d.i.d. or not... im gonna ask my T about what he's saying
i've had to take a break from reading.. my mind wont let me focus on it right now..

it sounded like he was talking about d.i.d. from the beginning of the chapter... i just cant read right now or else i would try to analyze it... figured maybe it would be better to try to just discuss it with T...?

honestly, i don't know what i am supposed to be doing... i just go to therapy because apparently i need it... ya know...

its really annoying forgetting everything... but wouldnt you have to remember it at some point to be able to forget it? i just dont remember stuff... makes things really difficult

im struggling to write... so im gonna stop

Yeah,probably best to discuss it with your T.

I did look the book up,it does look like a good one for help with healing trauma.Although not specifically for DID,it still looks very helpful.

Ahh...frustrating how your posts are delayed and then suddenly appear later on after I have already posted.

Your reply was totally different than mine.I tried though...

yes it can be frustrating at time but I prefer to send my posts in to the moderators. what can I say Im a perfectionist at heart

also wanted to reply to your question about the book in this thread... no its not a DID book. its a book for and about PTSD (some locations call this developmental trauma disorder if they are using the ICD name for PTSD)

in general its to help people and their treatment providers with understanding the scientific side of how the brain works, how memory process works and how anyone who experiences any form of trauma be it wars, natural disasters, emotional sexual physical abuse and other forms of trauma that cause what my location calls PTSD and other trauma and other related disorders can have memory problems, anxiety, depression flashbacks, dissociative symptoms. topics in the book includes...
things like flight or fight, understanding what feelings are, learning how to express your feelings, negative and positive survival coping tools that you have used in the past vs changing your negative thinking and behaviors for the better, how to recognize when you are in an abusive relationship, how trauma hinders a persons personal growth and causes PTSD symptoms, how to take things one step at a time rather than getting overwhelmed in the feelings and memories of the past.

the reason I answered my reply was because for some people who may have alters that quoted section is used in my location by treatment providers as a way for those with DID to explain more about their alters and what its like to be those alters...

also my location goes by the standard that all human beings have parts of self...

example I am a mother, wife, co worker, daughter... in each of these situations I naturally act and behave differently... I would not do the same things I do with my children with my wife and would not treat my children like I do my wife kind of thing...

every human being naturally switches into the natural sides of their self given the situation they happen to be in.

in this normal parts of self standard that same paragraph means to learn how to separate those parts of self... how do I feel when I am being the mother of my children vs how do I feel when I am alone with my wife....

in general the paragraph in the book means where I am talking about the normal parts of self, but I also took into consideration that the poster who may be DID, their treatment provider might be using this as a way for them to tell the treatment provider what they mean when they say they have alters and what it feels like to be alters.

its one of those things that can go either way depending upon how and what the book is being used for in therapy.

it just seems so hard, its confusing me even more than normal
i want to keep reading, going to try to pick it back up and read some more before my appointment...

but feeling like its gonna be impossible for some reason..

im trying to reflect and look at myself and stuff but its hard, like.. i cant see past right now, but even right now is really foggy

does that make any sense?
i know i have conflicting sides though... its just when i try to think about it i get disorientated... or something like that, i think im not supposed to know.. maybe im making things worse by pushing.. but i want to get better.. so i have to push right..?

guess its scary because its ouside of my normal...

it does mention IFS in this book

i keep zoning out... grrr...

I understand why your posts are delayed but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I also think many times your posts are overlooked because the threads get read and yours isn't there and people may not realize you have posted and don't go back and read again.Do you see a therapist for your perfectionism?If not,it may be helpful if you do,I also am a perfectionist and for me it sometimes interferes with the way I interact with others and causes problems,which you probably experience as well.

Your reply here surprised me.If you go back and read all your posts you will see how it seems so contradictary to what you normally post.Doesn't sound like you at all.I was expecting you to say that encouraging seperateness increases the chance for false memories,can cause false alters,ficticious disorder imposed by others,your location doesn't encourage trying to seperate alters,etc.

I am not a professional but my personal opinion is with DID it's wrong that "the task of the therapist is to help patients seperate this confusing blend into seperate entities".That is just so contradictary to the purpose and the goal of DID therapy.And I am really surprised you didn't say that could cause false alters.I don't understand how that is any dfferent than automatic writing,system mapping,and all the other things that you have so adamantly given your opinion on.

As I said,go back and read all your posts.This reply just doesn't mesh with them at all.

i think i understand what AL meant

i really need to learn to identify feelings and stuff... its something i dont really do.. i think my therapist has been trying to get me to though, its just not easy... reading this book just has me spinning a little, also i'm just really exhausted...

i dunno if i have alters or not... i think i do... it seems to be the best explanation i have found thus far.. im just caught in the headlights right now... if that makes any sense? a deer frozen by the headlights .. overwhelmed~

i have too many feelings, i cant process those things, why is it necessary? such haunting critters, feelings... bah

im sad

Oh,I'm sorry,I guess I was thinking that you positively do.Just trying to help but maybe I am just confusing you even more.

Sorry.

dont be sorry, i've been goin through it for a while now so im kind of getting used to it... some moments im positive i do, other moments i feel like maybe im just way stressed out you know what i mean?
since the beginning of last year, i think it was, i have been on the marry go round, trying to figure out dissociation and how it functions within me...
;actually, i've been trying to figure out dissociation for a long time.. i just remembered i talked to them about it years ago but cant remember what they said

i guess its probably just part of denial... as long as you are in denial the bad stuff doesnt happen to you right?


im just not feeling like myself ultimately...

ewhen I first tried to wrap my head around having alters I was resistant. I couldn't internally sort it out. Intellectually the diagnosis fit my experiences but internally I couldn't see it. I had a lot of chaos internally trying to see if DID was what I was experiencing. After feeling like my mind would explode I decided to ask myself if it were so. If there were parts who were existing inside me. Slowly and simply some of the helper parts answered me. It wasn't an overwhelming blast if information. Just more like a yes you have parts. The strange thing was that the parts who came forward first, I knew. I had talked to myself before with a clear knowledge that I had different aspects of myself and sometimes needed to ask for input when making life decisions. Over time I learned about the other parts. But even the destructive parts had a sound reason for there existence and behavior. The internal affirmation that, yes I had parts and yes these parts came about as a means of surviving, enabled me to be accepting of my state. Now I am trying to see how to help the parts that are suffering. I don't think I will ever be without parts. I am not certain I have an original self because my switching is seamless. Except in session. That seems to be where my parts can be out if they want and express their concerns, pain, fear etc. We have rules that everyone has agreed to. No physical violence while in session. I have some parts who feel they need to punch a wall to be present. But we have all agreed we don't want to be in a hospital or get arrested. And respect is another rule. Even if we don't agree with what another thinks or says, they have the right to say it during session. My new t doesn't know much about DID. I think she still calls it MPD. So I have to be careful she doesn't try to hospitalize me. I see her once a month. She seems experienced with CBT and the rest of it will fall where it may. My answer to my question "am I DID" came from inside me. It is tuff to admit but it helped some of my parts to feel free and validated. And that lifted my system. Even the angry ones were validated and thanked for haven protected us when needed. Maybe take a quite time and ask yourself if you have parts. If they know your sincere in your need to know they will let you know. Than just take it slow.

thats how i feel... i mean i just had an experience that proves i do have alters... and i still feel like no, its just normal... but they used to tell me i was normal over and over when i would ask questions to other people.. they say "you just think too much, you're normal, you're fine"

now i think im gonna be in trouble because i had to talk to some people... i hope i handled it well... im only one at home so i answered the door but i wasn't thinking... it scared me, now im scared

ugh... getting off course..
i hear that voice too that says yes you have parts in a simple way, but i have an angry one that is equally persuasive... so its like a clash of thoughts... yes no yes no yes no, is the most simple way to say it...

im afraid of blacking out in therapy and hurting the therapist... i would never do that but im afraid that part of me that has taken over before and acted out like that will...
i dunno what to do about it...

if i could be assured that i wont hurt anyone then i would feel alot better...

yes I reread my posts frequently and no what I posted here does not conflict with my past posts heres why......

staying on topic of the thread the book as related to DID does not mean to dissociate your self into alters. if you get the book and read the whole book not just one paragraph taken out of context, you will see the book means to take everything that is going on and match them with the sides of you that they go with.

example .....my thoughts and emotions going every which way.... Im angry, excited, sad, want to die, so many voices, so many thoughts, cant make sense of this why doesnt it stop, I'm hungry, Im tired, I want to go do this go do that...

now adding the book paragraph....

when I am red I am feeling angry so I know the thought of being angry belongs to the red side of me.

When I am Rainy I feel sad, depressed, tired so I know the thoughts of sadness and wanting to die is Rainy.

When I am Sunny I feel happy, excited and hungry so I know those thoughts and emotions are Sunny.

see what I mean the book taken in context of what the paragraph means, does not mean to become an alter, it means to separate what is going on in ones thoughts and behaviors and matching them up with what you know about yourself and your identities while remaining fully in the present moment/ not dissociated.

the rest of your reply I will answer by pm so as to not take this thread off topic of helping elevated soul understand the book they are working in.

I think just about everyone flip flops back and forth with denial,sometimes it feeling like 'yeah,that's exactly what it is' and then 'no,what was I thinking,that's not what it is at all'.

I get it,I understand.

Quote:
This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.... Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing., and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. -Rumi

This book and quote I know very well. The book "The Body Keeps The Score" has helped me understand so much!

The quote is almost haunting to me. As fragments and images have come back to me, it has caused distress and fear/confusion. I like that the quote invites us to "entertain" them, lean into them and welcome them. I don't think healing can happen until we do. I'm trying to learn to remember that.

I like this part, "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond" and it reminds me to lean into them and open myself up to them. They are looking for validation and an unburdening - healing.