support

my therapist says i lose the forest for the tree, or the other way around, i always get it mixed up but its scary to me... im used to my cage.... stepping outside of it is scary

i have hard time understanding what life could be, i've always been in a trauma type situation...
its scary to think to experience something new

people wanting to help me... is scary.... no one ever want to help me...
im supposed to be super man, i cant though

so now im faced with big delima... go outside the cage... for prolonged period....
be treated... hopefully by competent peoples.... for a long time... sober...!...
so many big steps.... im so scared....
makes me cry because i have to leave my niece... and i scared about her care and want her to be ok but my therapist says im stuck in this parent mode.... from where i had to take care of things and be lke a parent when i was little...

i just am scared of being hurt... if i go through with this and it works thats awesome...
but i go through with it and it fails... someone hurts me... attacks me.... its going to fail... and then for ever will it be burned into this stupid mind....

but i try to tell me self that maybe it can bea good experience.... fun.... meet some nice people.... but i am pulled.... part of me hates meeting people.... other is like hey, whatsup, what goin on, you doin aight? and im just like the f*8*8

so going places like this is hard... im scared... no one has ever reallly seen how sick i am... if they see how bad it is im scared of what they will do...
im such a good actor... it just takes so much out of me to do those things...
if it comes to where i feel trapped... i just go into a different mode...
this mode will get me out of the situation asap, efficiently, clean, and without many reprecusions... no problems reported kind of thing....

so how do i get help when people trigger this stuff in me all the time...?
like the last time i was inpatient...
i just want ... i dunno what i want... or what i need... i never have... i never been allowed to want or need.... so how am i supposed to know.... i hate this.....

You don't have to go to it, you can stay where you are if that is safest for you.

but i think i need to... in the sense of triggers, its not safe where i am at... so i think maybe i need to do it, even if it is triggering... but i make myself do stff like that all the time, where i really dont want to do it... so im trying to be nice to myself...
but maybe the nicest thing i can do for myself would be something like one of those programs...
i dont know... T said its the contemplation phase...

Ya know, contemplation is a good thing sometimes. It could be a safe place to be quiet and safe and cared for. My heart hears your distress and desire to be heard and cared for. I dunno. For me, it would be scary and I would be apprehensive about it because I would not be in control and in charge of things. Things, as in meaning what I had to make happen for me to be ok and everything to be alright.

A distant friend, last year, offered me a plane ticket and a week at a cabin that she and her husband have in Colorado. She said that she wanted me to be there with her and feel what it felt like to be valued and taken care of. Everything inside of me wanted to say "yes!" but I didn't feel like I was that kind of person or that I deserved it. I made excuses about my family, which were basically true, because that is who I am - if that makes sense. There is a part of me that so wanted to go, but another part of me just knew it wasn't something I could do.

I'm rambling. Sorry!!

Think about it. Think about what is good for YOU. What would help you feel better, even with the fear involved. What would be good for you?

I think you need to, too. I think if you don't, you are condemning yourself to a life of what you have now.

i think its a little scary because its like im going to be found out, i know i cant hide it for that long so its going to come out... and is not a funny feeling

My signature and my belief.

"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

"Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning

I'm 52 years old. I've numbed myself for many many years. I so wish I had the insight and wisdom to press myself forward. I had no clue.

It may be scary, but it could be more scary to look into the future and be where you are now down the road. Go for it!! Don't be afraid of change! Be more afraid of no change.

No judgement. I'm only trying to encourage you to press forward and not stay where you are. Press forward!!

"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning

There are things that I want to hide from. As long as I hide from them, they have power over me. Once they are brought out into the light, they lose their power to scare you.

im just so worried about the other patients that will be there...

im some what avoidant so i like to have alot of space... i know thats not possible in a place like that...

its scary... gonna be forced somewhat to socialize... when all i wanna do is hide...

yes it can be sccary but on the positive side this will be a way to accomplish everything you have posted over the past couple years. not sure about the hospital where you will be going, but here where I am even the mandatory groups allow a patient to say the word ....pass... when they do not want to talk. here in patient each room has 2 beds (room for 2 patients) but even when there are 2 people sharing a room it doesnt mean they have to be socializing, some people I know take things to do in their rooms like books, puzzles, and if their safety plan/ privileges allow it, they take music and headphones, someone I know right now inpatient brought their own pillow and meditation mat, no one bothers him when he is on his mat meditating. he found a quiet corner of the day room and next to him, he places a cardboard triangle sign that says "leave me alone I am practicing my meditation/ mindfulness therapy" other times he puts the other triangle sign up that says "yes I can answer questions and show you how to do what I am doing" when he is into socializing.

my point is Im guessing that when not in the mandatory groups there will most likely be plenty of alone time for you, or you can take with you things that can not be used for self harm, that you can do by yourself when you dont want to be social.

ok... so i set it up for monday... ill be leaving...

im scared

im trying to figure out what im going to do for this time in there so that im not just sitting around...

thinking about asking if i can get a 1$ word puzzle book from my dad or sister

any suggestions..?

im not sure if they will let me have any electronics... wish i could take my tablet and use the internet..

trying not to get cold feet... or feel overwhelmed... but its really hard for me to leave the house like this, then to put myself in a crowd of strangers... and to be so far away from where im familer with... ect ect ect...

trying to make myself believe it will be fun... but i know its not going to be

also... what kind of diagnosis should i expect..? i mean is it going to be accurate or are they just gonna say im bipolar again and drug me up...

so worried about being misdiagnosed... the crisis stabilization place i went for 9 days didnt even diagnose me it seem like they just went with what the pdoc i was seeing said even though he was far off...

most people that I know who are packing to go inpatient first pack the necessities a couple changes of clothing, their comfort items (one person I know has a bathrobe that brings them comfort, another brings their favorite stuffed animal, another brings a special shirt..... ) toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, soap are usually provided but some people take travel sized just in case. some take their own shaving item and places it in a zip lock baggie with a label saying store at nurses station until ok'ed/ privileges. cigarettes if a smoker also gets put in this persons zip lock store at nurses station baggie. after the necessities are packed most that I know look around their home to see if they have any already in process projects that they want to take with them. to finish, and other home things. for example a person who doesnt spend time doing puzzles would not take a puzzle with them because it would not get done at the hospital. if a person doesnt normally do crossword puzzles at home the odds of doing so in the hospital sandwiched between classes, meetings and what ever the treatment team wants them to do the crossword puzzle would most likely not get done... my point take what ever you normally work on at home with you. there will be plenty of other activities there in long term inpatient. you can always take your electronics that way you have them with you if the answer is yes you can have it with you, and if the answer is no you can store it at the nurses station with what ever other items that patients have to have privileges for like shaving and cigarettes.

sorry it doesnt work like that. thats part of the point of going inpatient (having the patient.... not..... be prepared for one set diagnosis, and the treatment team addressing the possibility of all recognized mental disorders and going through the diagnosis process to find out what is that persons actual real diagnosis, and treating that patients problems as they exist with in them with the problems that they are showing.)

for example I one time was fully prepared to be diagnosed with schizophrenia and came out with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Another time I was sure a problem I was having was a dissociative one and it turned out to be MS (a medical problem not a mental problem)

I also know people who self sabotaged their self by going in with the expectation of a dissociative disorder and they ended up with the diagnosis of fictitious disorder imposed on self and ended up being sent to a state mental facility indefinitely due to being a danger to one self or others. granted its rare for this extreme but it does happen.

the line in the sand is if you go in expecting this or that disorder then they will end up keeping you longer because your mind may end up be confusing them with what you really have vs what you think you have and maybe even come out with a diagnosis of fictitious disorder imposed on self.

my suggestion is not to go in there with an attitude of this is what I expect to come out with or diagnosed with and just work the program how ever they want you to do.

this is your chance to get all your past posted issues and questions answered. you have choices...

go and get your problems taken care of

or

dont go, in which case you are making the choice to not get better, not get all that you have been posting you wanted over the past few years here on psych central that you want.

go and do the program in what ever ways the treatment team sets up for you and get the answers and problems you have taken care of

or

go and self sabotage / not do what the treatment team feels is best for you which means you have chosen to continue the way you are with the problems and question you are having

my point your mental health is now in your hands, only you can ensure you have the right diagnosis and treatment by co operating and doing the program.

my hope is that you choose mental health and go do the program with out trying to second guess and sabotaging yourself and your treatment team... I mean why else would you have worked so hard this past few years trying to get the help and get people to listen to you, not for attention right. many times in your posts you have stated how bad you want things to get better and how you want better treatment providers...

nows your chance and I hope you do follow through with what is now in your hands to do....work with treatment providers who can diagnose and treat your problems.

the choices are yours to make.

besides I cant tell you what to expect for a diagnosis, what if I tell you something like expect dissociation disorders and it turns out you have a medical issue or schizphrenia or any other problem. people online can tell you what to expect but that doesnt mean they will be right, only you and your treatment providers can say what is right for you.

if you want an accurate diagnosis then it takes you working with them not against them, answer their questions based on ....you.... not what you have read here or elsewhere and follow the programs as they set them up for you. you will get the right diagnosis. (tip they will know whether you are one disorder vs another simply because of the way the program is set up, not based on your expectations. they have been using their treatment program with many thousands of patents with all kinds of disorders so they have what they need to diagnose people correctly and know when someone is coming in with expectations of this or that mental disorder rather than working the program the way its meant to be done.)

i like word puzzles <3

i usually spend most of my time on the computer though, either making music, playing a game, or reading...

when im not doing that im partying, not like big parties or whatever... just drinking... i dont get along with people well enough to be such a big party person...
i mean i get along with people fine but i just dont like dealing with people because its difficult..

im just nervous and dont want to give myself enough tim to think about things to back out from going... because i already dont want to go, but i gotta make myself go... trying to trick myself into not backing out by convincing myself of some things... like meeting similar people, making friends that can understand my struggle, getting a good diagnosis, medications, ect ect..

i just dont want to be there and like not have something i need... i dont really have comfort items, i wish i did, but nothing really brings that feeling besides drugs and alcohol...

i dunno, im gonna be embarrassed if everything is result of my abuse of substances and not a dissociative problem... i hope they are able to screen me for dissociation and stuff... my brain is just so messed up...

Hi elevatedsoul.Good luck with all of this.

I wouldn't worry or focus on what your diagnosis may or not be just focus on getting clean and being well.And if it turns out you don't have a dissociative disorder,why would you be embarrassed?Wouldn't that be a good thing?Wouldn't it be nice if it turned out your problem is just substance abuse and things could really change and get better if you could stay clean?

I think you should be proud of this huge step you're taking.

well, it would be embarassing becauze ive been a little convinced that i have d.i.d. but what if its not dissociation at all...? just a rotten brain...
but my therapist said i dissociate... so i dunno... i just find dissociation so hard to grasp...

im scared that ill dissociate the whole experience... but 28 days is a long time, i dont think ive ever been absent for that long

not that im all the way here right now... but whatever

im just gonna make myself do it, even if i dont need it... maybe i do... maybe not...

thanks for the support, it means a bunch

Did your T say you dissociate or have a dissociative disorder?Just curious because everyone dissociates and it's only considered a disorder if it interferes with daily life and functioning.So I'm sure you do dissociate,maybe it's not necessarily DID like you have convinced yourself,but possibly a dissociative disorder nonetheless.Or even if it's not dissociation at all that's causing your problems and just from substances,it's still something major that impacts your life that you deserve to heal from.There's no shame in not having something you have convinced yourself of and no shame if it does turn out to be DID.

Whatever it is,or isn't is really beside the point anyway and all that really matters is putting in the work to get better,and I am glad you are doing that.

And whatever it is or isn't,I sincerely wish you well.

yeah she said i dissociate a lot, living on the deep end of a dissociative scale, but i dont know what she diagnosed me with... she doesnt specialize in dissociation so i dont think she is really comfortable treating me...
she said that i have borderline personality traits at one point...

last time she just talked about going to these rehab places and said she wasnt sure how much more she could help me in therapy currently and that it would be good for me to go get the help i need inpatient and stuff

the little bit of inssurance i have wont cover much so its not easy for me to get a diagnosis i guess.. i've been through the ringer

the reason i became convinced that its d.i.d. is because i read a lot... a lot of stories and everything and it seemed like pretty much all of them had similar stories of misdiagnosis and treatment... but im thinking now maybe i made it all up because i was confused, but im also thinking that is part of denial and cold feet trying to keep me from going to this place...

i hate mental illness so bad...

it sucks not being consistent, to be like this...



but like you said, whatever it is it impacts my life negatively and i need to fix it some how.. before its too late :/

thanks for your kind words, i appreciate it

Chiming in late here, but wanted to say I'm pullin for ya. I think it''s pretty safe for me to say WE are pulling for you... NiKKi might leave me a nasty note if I do not include her in the well wishes. :P

-V

I didn't see this until now but wanted to say that's really good advice.Just let go of everything you have read,everything you think you may or may not have and let the professionals figure it out.

I know you're nervous about going,but really,this is such a good thing.You may finally get to the bottom of all the struggling you have been doing.Just in the short amount of time I have been a member here I have read about your many struggles,doubts,confusion,hurt and pain and how badly you want to figure it out and get better.Now you can stop trying to figure it out yourself,stop wearing yourself down mentally from trying so hard,and let professionals help you.

thanks so much you guys

i am so nervous, so scared, its gonna be so hard