Specialist

elevatedsoul · 12:15 PM

T said she cant help me further and needed to find a specialist
I told case manager and she said she would talk to T about it and see what they can do

she said she would also take care of the disability thing, but im scared because she said she wants me to do something with a work coach or something so they can have something 'on the papers'

i think im have a nervous break down... extremely depersonalized...

Damnit...
I hate feeling like this...
What does a Specialist do different?

I can't do anything with a work coach or whatever she was talking about..

I tried to explain to T what I was feeling...
Told her... she couldn't understand I think... she just said She cant help me more..
and asked me where I "feel" it at..? I don't feel anything, what she talking about feelin something somewhere?

I feel sad... tired..

anais_anais · May 04, 2017, 02:17 PM

When I was referred to a specialist finally.... maybe one of the best things that ever happened to me. But I still see my old T sometimes too.

I hope the best for you ((elevatedsoul))

elevatedsoul · May 04, 2017, 03:37 PM

im trying to be calm... but im really scared..
scared that my psyche is going to just explode...
fall apart... or that in some way im going to stop functioning or cease to be you know...
i feel like something bad is about to happen... i feel distant, like out of proportion... like i cant fit inside of my body but the body being way too big at the same time, like its collapsing on itself... and to "beat the band" i have a bad wisdom tooth aching really bad through all of this... which i know isn't helping things... i keep forgeting its hurting.. but then my whole face starts hurting again and im like oh i have a face... and a body... and .. blah

i dont want to have a nervous break down...
things are not going so ok right now... the paradigm is falling apart

elevatedsoul · May 04, 2017, 08:34 PM

feeling very cynical...
sick... 5234534534275 im just tired of living like this, watch... you'll see

Amyjay · May 05, 2017, 12:43 AM

I think this is why T is referring you to a specialist. So you can get help that will truly help you. This is a positive step even though it feels unknown. I am trying to tell myself the same thing as my T is pregnant and leaving soon. She tells me the person she is referring me has better training in trauma issues than she does and will be able to help me more than she can herself. But I don't know this person so it dosent seem possible or true or even real. This limbo period is very scary for me and I am trying to tell myself that it will all turn out alright.

Solnutty · May 05, 2017, 11:28 AM

I was scared when my previous T started suggesting I see a new T with special training and experience with DID. The anxiety was awful, and learning to trust a new person was very trying, but it was the best thing. My new T "gets it," she doesn't allow me to get triggered in our sessions, she knows what to look for and what to do, she knows how to help me feel safe and looking back I simply couldn't have gone without the help she's given me. I've learned so much and I'm so much more stable. I have answers to my questions, things are making sense, I'm not helpless when I'm triggered.

finding_my_way · May 05, 2017, 02:16 PM

your therapist probably doesn't feel qualified to help you. it doesn't mean you are unhelpable. it is a good thing when a therapist can see their own limitations and refer you to someone else instead of blindly trying to help when they aren't experienced or qualified to with something.

a specialist will be able to better assess you and sort out what is what so you can get proper treatment for what you struggle with.

May 05, 2017, 09:19 PM

my t is a DId specialist. best thing i ever decided to do. she knows so, so much more- way more than my trauma specialist

elevatedsoul · May 06, 2017, 01:50 AM

thanks guys, i appreciate it

im hoping to be able to get refered to someone with a lot of experience with dissociation... since through all my reading and stuffs i thinks that is what part of the issue is so i wanna go with that.

im trying really hard to keep my head above water, but you know.. this aint no water park you know..
im using ever gun in the bag, every tool i have to cope... even trying to invent new ones and im hoping something clicks soon because i dunno how long i can sustain... this state... shell shock... or whatever is that is happening to me...?

nervous breakdown ya know... but im good right now, besides being suicidal and in pain and cynical lol
but what can you do, thats just 1 part of me, there are lots of other parts goin on

me really sleepy.. gonna go lay down and try to have good d reams..

ps:
no offense with the word part, i just rambling

elevatedsoul · May 06, 2017, 11:33 PM

i hate my life... this planet sucks...
i suck... im tired of myself...
back and forth... elastic? i think not...

i make myself sick... physically sick
im sick and tired of it all.. reading that BS post makes me want to smack the **** out of myself because if i ever catch myself saying im good i'll kick my own self in the ***...
im so far from good that i cant see the alphabet at all

god this planet sucks... people suffering everywhere... me suffering everywhere... hurting... im so tired of it all...

elevatedsoul · May 06, 2017, 11:49 PM

oh im just like letting everyone have it too, the outside world never seen the likes of me before, they gonna know that what i go through isnt pretty and they need to sit down and shutup if they not gonna help

elevatedsoul · May 07, 2017, 07:44 PM

Im dissociating very bad, it's begining to interrupt my ability to communicate . I talk but dissociating and talking are difficult tasks. Talking about one subject is impossible, having friends impossible... This piece is not sustainable.. I fear ceasing of such processes are growing too near to relax.. things are not OK, falling apart.. appointment tomorrow I didn't know about it surprise! I must tell them without going to the hospital? Im not going to that dreadful place....

elevatedsoul · May 08, 2017, 06:50 AM

BASTARDS

Gr3tta_0 · May 08, 2017, 07:52 PM

I hope your appointment was okay at worst; helpful at best.
I dont feel i have the best things to say, but I'm reading and hoping the best for you.

elevatedsoul · May 08, 2017, 10:06 PM

things r bad rite now...
i duno whats gon on but i think its gona be ok...
filed disability apeal claim thingy at appointment...
she keep tellin me i can leave this house i just have to tell them i want to
i dont want to.. i jus wan the bad stuff to stop and go away... bad people stop...

my diagnosis is ptsd... i think they jus not relly able to go into big diagnosis with me becuz they not trained for it or somthing.. its been ptsd for a while... it was bipolar but they took it off i guess when i wus raising cains about it... n the psychologist dx me diff...

i ben cryin alot

n cuttin alot

elevatedsoul · May 10, 2017, 07:07 PM

Lool fuker. I hate you

kecanoe · May 10, 2017, 11:07 PM

ES, I hope you do get a specialist who can help you. T3 has experience treating DID and has specialized training and she has been so, so helpful. I hope you find someone as good.

elevatedsoul · May 11, 2017, 11:58 AM

....what is happening to me....
im so sorry everyone...

i feel so sick... im scared
i just wana go home.... but i dont kno where home is...
i want my mommy... but i dont know ... i dont think i have a mommy either...
i dont know what is happening to me... im so sorry...

elevatedsoul · May 11, 2017, 07:26 PM

......................................................................................................................................................................................................

elevatedsoul · May 12, 2017, 11:07 AM

sorry, i deleted that last before anyone read it...
i dont have d.i.d. yall... i just dissociate alot... im pretty sure thats all it is
i just have really bad ptsd stuff... i been through alot of stuff in my life and its just im goin through alot of stuff right now so things are bein really wacky... and my head is not really ok... im tryin to pull things to gether but the only way i know to do that - people dont like, but hey... this shoe fits, you know what im sayin? the body and this life and everything is in danger .... so if im gonna live then i gotta make some pretty serious imediate choices that involve imediate results ... that dont involve the hospital cause im not goin there - just numb the pain, make the dissociation lessen... try to avoid stress... things will be ok... breathe... im good, right? probably not... but im tryin

gotta do what i gotta do, i just didnt want that wacky post to be seen because i dont have d.i.d. and im tired of looking crazy, i wanna be normal, i want everything to be good, tired of feeling sick and being sick- im tired of this place, i hate this planet, just wanna get high and im gonna end on that note- Living but not alive

elevatedsoul · 01:48 PM

im learning alot about myself... how i dissociate... its weird... i dont understand it...
i just feel like different parts of myself dissociate, kind of go away, leaving this .. shell altered... or is it a shell? or are parts going away? thats what it feels like... i feel like being in the central core of all the action you know, and going through life... i just lose part of myself, because i cant handle it anymore, instead of losing my whole life... i lose part of my life... but its not gone, and it connects sometimes and the same problems come up, the insanity that fell away, that broke off... becomes part of me... im in a lot of pain, i feel really sick, it hurts a lot... i dont want to be sober... im scared and having alot of panic attacks about being sober, its coming... im afraid to face it again... i dont want it to come back you know?

does any of that make sense?

the other day i saw myself in a million reflections, simultaneously, i felt odd... and i can almost feel the same way if i focus on it... but i dont like that feeling... makes me feel like ... dizzy... like when your reflection collapses on itself... what me, is the real.. me..? who is you? this... pandoras box opens...

i want to understand... but im afraid im runing out of time... im scared... im telling everyone around me that i hate this planet... i dont wanna be here anymore... but they dont know what i mean... i dont wanna die, i just dont want to feel that pain, a thousand pains, dissociated pain...

sigh.......

like an old telephone box, plugging cables in and out to connect calls... the information comes through as the cables are connected but can be pulled at any moment... no telling when... its ... ... ... gone
thats what i feel like, connections to other parts coming and going... constantly... not a full connection, just dissociation in and out of reality... im inbetween what i think is hell and hell....

stuck in a prison inside my mind, please help me

i think that its really bad... i think that its happening and keeping me here... in this place... locked away...
im trying to fight it but its getting worse... i hate this place.. i hate this planet i dont want to be here anymore...
i want to wake up and be in reality... i want to be normal, what do i do, my paradigm is falling apart and im trying to make huge shift that is making everything shakey and fall !
my whole "system" is like WTF
and im screaming WAKE UP ITS TOO LATE THIS IS OVER NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE I WANNA WAKE UP I HATE THIS PLAC I HATE THIS PLACE I HATE THIS PLACE
you know what i mean?
i want make a big change... im so tired... i want it all to be differnt... NOW.... im tired of waiting... its too late... i want it now... i hate this place so much and want out... i want the dissociation to stop.. iwant to WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

do anyone know what i mean....

im stuck... im stuck in a semi dissociative state... in and out of a realm i have created inside my mind... and its pulling me inside... and im afraid ill be trapped there for ever if i dont fight back... i dont know what to do... i dont know who im fighting or what is here or whats going on... but i must be fighting myself... i dont understand it but i just want it to stop and i want to be happy and ok, i want things to be ok i just wanna be happy and fine... no more pain...

i feel it becoming stronger you know... or maybe im just geting more tired...

the fog is more dense... the other parts are more verbal.... more... physical.... and i dont know whats going on, i saw myself sitting in the dark forest of fog last night.... alone... i took a deep breathe and looked up and the fog cleared a bit and i tried to call out with a gasp if anyone can hear me please help...
and the fog engulfed me... dont wanna talk about what happened... tried making a deal with the devil and stuff but didnt work... but wasnt me obviously.. but im doing alot of bad things weird things...

it hurts, im feeling so much more now... it hurts
am i waking up?
how long have i been asleep... or have i been sleeping.... through all of this?
aeraereagjahgjkheuahe blah grrrrr ........ ........
i hate this place....

stop writing now..........

i hate mm y self. ...

elevatedsoul · May 12, 2017, 01:55 PM

am i just losing my mind...? psychotic or what... cause im taking anti psychotics...
but i feel like im going crazy....

elevatedsoul · 05:48 PM

i just need normal right now... my normal is not sober.. this trying to handle everything sober is causing me to fall apart... please let me go back to the way i was...

is it normal to go through these contradictions...?
for you to change like this? for you to fight yourself for control... everyone does this right?

RubyRae · May 22, 2017, 01:54 PM

What happened with the specialist you were supposed to see?

elevatedsoul · May 22, 2017, 06:59 PM

they never found one for me...
i called my insurance company earlier and got some numbers to places nearby but i dunno if they have specialists there or not but hopefully find out tomorrow...

there is one i found but they never called back to tell me if they take my insurance.. and i cant afford to pay out of pocket...

i embarrass myself...
im going through a lot... please dont judge me...

it seems like i dont have a clue what im talking about anymore...

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