Hung over hard. They say we are going to quit drinking....then I wake up feeing like crap in the mornings.

Also reluctant to read anything posted last night. :/

[Claritytoo]

Today I feel emptiness. Just a deep feeling of emptiness. It scares me a little. Maybe this is what it feels like to be in the moment. I don't know. Everything is too much, too loud, I just need everything to be still.

[yagr]

Twenty-six years ago we had our first moment of co-consciousness and became committed to having each others back, no matter what. For all the missteps since then, we've gotten one thing very right - we kicked a $3000+/day drug habit and are celebrating twenty-six years clean and sober today.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by yagr

Twenty-six years ago we had our first moment of co-consciousness and became committed to having each others back, no matter what. For all the missteps since then, we've gotten one thing very right - we kicked a $3000+/day drug habit and are celebrating twenty-six years clean and sober today.

No easy feat, that. Well done.

Sometimes I wish that I was dumber....

[Amyjay]

In therapy this week the T used some EMDR techniques with us and it was ... very different to anything I have experienced before. We became very emotional and had ... something happen. Internally it was like doors opening and people walking out to meet us. Lots of people. And it was like I "knew" them, although I didn't.
Mostly I was just overwhelmed with sadness that they were there, because they each carry so much trauma and pain.
It is not all bad though. There were lots of helpers. There were always helpers.
I can feel them around me at the edges of my awareness. I don't know what to do with them all.

yesterday I had a massive fallout with someone, and it really hurts

my friend brook discovered my mental health situation and decided she'd use it to call me names and to judge me

of course, I didn't make it any easier on myself- after all the harsh words I sent her a really nasty email about the way she'd treatee.

just really hurts me that she'd do that. I told her.. do you know their's enough stigma in the world without you being a *****?

and she's like, just get over yourself

oh well. my circle just got a whole lot smaller. what can I do.

still not sleeping and feeling a little suicidal but not much.

anxiety was bad yesterday. really bad and I'm not sure why

all the visions I keep seeing I suppose

We as a system can say as a group of the mains are okay.

our confusion was bad yesterday... we kept asking everyone we met " did you lend us a peter pan dvd?"

for some reason we lost about 2/ 3 hours, then came too and we were watching peter pan

god it was strange

urg we've been awake all night too.

again...

Gotta do taxes today. I often say that yet for it to happen....

Ow that hurt. Paid out $1000... in federal and state taxes. Thank God I can.

This morning our boy triggered us to anger by having his girlfriend sleep over which IS NOT allowed for any excuse....we started snowballing...one said another adult to support, one said disrespect, another said broke the rules, another felt violated, another.....as hard as we tried to not freak out....it didn’t go well.

I hate feeling like a weirdo, a side show freak, someone to minimalize as crazy...so embarrassingly out of control...

People are my worst triggers. Reactions are instantaneous and uncontrollable...I feel like a puppet. Yesterday from sunrise to sunset- a good day for some and a bad day for others.

[beyes2018]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

This morning our boy triggered us to anger by having his girlfriend sleep over which IS NOT allowed for any excuse....we started snowballing...one said another adult to support, one said disrespect, another said broke the rules, another felt violated, another.....as hard as we tried to not freak out....it didn’t go well.

I hate feeling like a weirdo, a side show freak, someone to minimalize as crazy...so embarrassingly out of control...

I would have flipped , you have every right to be upset. Does he now understand the rules?

Just can’t quite figure out why we keep trying to live another day, do you?

I cut someone out of my life today because they wouldn't get me a wedding ring like meggan's.

if you've read some of my other posts, you know how much I need to be a part of things- and in this case, I need a wedding ring like meggan.

and she couldn't ****ing get me one

yeah. I understand. you don't buy wedding rings for people that arn't married (I mean why would you?)

but jesus ****ing christ.

it's part of my mental illness, that I need a wedding ring like meggan for the wedding tomorrow. it's not like I can just say okay, I'll go without.

so now I'm telling this girl if I don't get a wedding ring, she can kiss her job goodbye- I know it seems a little... you know, extreme, but it's how I feel. I need my ****ing wedding ring, okay?. need it

rant over.

everything else just the same.. no sleep or rest, overeating, that kind of thing.

[Claritytoo]

sometimes i don't know what is real. I can't tell if something has happened to me or I saw it happen to someone else. I have isolated myself from everyone. sometimes I go a couple of days without talking to someone. Even if I go out I avoid people. I don't want to know what they are thinking. I heard two people talking the other day. It reminded me of me when I had friends around me. I am getting an anxiety attack talking about this. when I talk about it it's like I am unfamiliar to myself. Or something like that. the feeling of anxiety causes panic and i feel like i have to get out. i don't like those feelings. some of us tried to talk at session but our t doesn't know we are here. we don't think she will be helpful. we are concerned she may be more curious than therapeutic. that has happened to me. i didn't like it. i am trying to figure out what we want. it's impossible. it used to be easy. my son isn't talking to me anymore. so now i am on my own. he was the focus of my life for over thirty years. part of me feels that we are not supposed to enjoy life without our son. but part of me wants to turn the page and move on. What does that even mean.

Feeling caught in limbo...no real past memories to build a life on, no real prospects or hope for the future, just existing in the present....just waiting till it is all done with and peace can finally settle rest in on this tortured mind. What a life, my life.

Just saw we donated $100 to Shriners hospital last night...we have some nice and caring alters.

On a high note, my blood tests came in and my liver hasn’t rejected my body as of yet.

Feeling very angry tonight. Had session with T today. Realised there was not just sexual abuse for the usual reasons but the abuser intentionally created additional unnecessary fear. For at least a couple of kids, they were intentionally scared 'out of their minds'. Worse there is nothing I can do about it. Can't change it, can't fix it, can't get revenge.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by cavaliers

Feeling very angry tonight. Had session with T today. Realised there was not just sexual abuse for the usual reasons but the abuser intentionally created additional unnecessary fear. For at least a couple of kids, they were intentionally scared 'out of their minds'. Worse there is nothing I can do about it. Can't change it, can't fix it, can't get revenge.

Now that you know you can begin to heal those kids.

Very stressful 2 days on the job...stayed focus and present. Yo-yo roofers cut a Freon line yesterday noon- fixed that, then had to go to dentist to have a splintered jawbone to grind down, but before I left another yo-yo put a nail in a copper waterline.

Cameback after appointment and decided good for morning. We spent 6 hours due to the fact the water line was just at concrete and water wouldnt shut off. I got it welded at 2:00 finally.

Even sitting here at the house drinking a beer. Need a shower and a change of clothes...but now it feels like I’m fading away.

[fille_folle]

Wonder what I'll talk about in t tomorrow.