A Rant About Integration

I have decided that full integration and no longer having a diagnosis of DID has ruined my life.

I wish I could go back to how things were before.I don't like dealing with all the **** that goes on in life.I hate dealing with reality. hate dealing with problems and not having the necessary life skills to do it.

If you're DID and go to therapy and you do reach full integration you will not be prepared to deal with every day life.You won't know how to.

im so sorry things are so hard for you now
that is a large reason why we have personally decided against integration for us it is just much too scary

Integration has just recently started with me. I don't want it and I think I'm going to have to tell my T as much. There are just some things I can't handle, at least not alone.

Oh, I am sorry it is so hard. Are you still in therapy? I so hope you have some good support with all this.

Just wandering through this morning... saw your post, read, and thought, hm...yeah, I totally have moments where I relate. Not that I am fully integrated, or maybe I am. I dunno. I've been me all day, everyday, since early March. I've had more than my fair share of 'how the (bleep) do people do this (bleep). I am soooo not equipped to deal with this whole living life thing. No one ever taught me how to be a person and do people things. To say it is overwhelming at times is an understatement.

Hearing you, understanding as best I can, and wishing you well in this.

I'm sorry for being so negative and I'm sorry if I have turned anyone against integration or have scared them away from wanting it.It's just that I have so much **** going on in my life that's too much to deal with.I have no choice to though,I have to face it all and deal with all of it.

My emotions are what's hardest to deal with.i have to feel all the hurt and pain,all the fear and disappointment and all the sadness.And it's all so intense that I feel like I will not make it sometimes.

And it's one of those things that nobody can really understand unless they've gone through it.Being DID was hard but you don't really have to deal with all the problems of life when someone else is taking over and doing things for you.Like if I was going through all the **** I am right now and was still DID I wouldnt even be dealing with it myself,I probably wouldnt even know about it because it would have triggered someone else to take over and face it and deal with it.I would have just got little glimpses and bits and pieces of it here and there.

I don't know how to deal with what's gong on yet I have to and I feel paralyzed in fear and don't know where to even begin doing the things I need to do.I don't even want to see my therapist.I feel pissed off at him right now tbh.I am grateful that he helped me reach full integration but I am pissed that he didn't warn me what life would be like without the ability to dissociate.He has experience with DID but zero experience with post integration so I feel why waste my money if he has no clue what it's like or how to deal with it.

It should be absolutely up to you, how and when or if you wish to integrate. There are many ways to work on improving life besides just integrating. I think talking to your T about it sounds like a good idea.

I agree with this post.It's all an individual thing,what works and helps one person may be different for someone else.

I am just ranting in this thread.I coud come back tomorrow and be perfectly fine with everything the way it is now.

Thanks for the heads up. I thought all the experiences and skills come together as one instead of starting from scratch zero?

We got so many parts doing different things...how would this work?

A reason why I am anti-integration in us is because I don’t want some of the memories that I know the others hold.

You would think that it all would be so seamless and it would all just flow so naturally but that's not the case for me.Sure I have all the skills but I have never actually implemented them before if you can understand what I mean.It's not like having instant knowledge of everything and knowing it all,knowing what to do,when and how.

It's like that one show on Netflix where that girl was kept in a bunker all those years and then was finally set free.She only knows what she knows and has to learn everything as she goes along.

Hey you don't need to apologize for ranting sharing "being negative" or anything. It is so okay to say it how it is for you in this moment. Its okay if its going to be different at a different time. It sounds so overwhelming for you right now. I dont know any "right things" to say but I do know you are welcome to share and there are lots of people here willing to listen in the best ways they know how.
hang in there.

So it’s like having a superpower like flying that you didn’t know of...then you flew and it blew you away, but to quickly become natural discovering your capabilities....like learning super fast- yes?

I can see where that can be frustrating....but like all things that I’ve discovered....it takes time, experience, and omg patience.

Is their anxiety meds (tranquilizers) that can calm you a bit? It seems one would need them all things considered...can you ask your shrinky?

Obtw...Amjay is right.

Thanks for saying that.I just feel bad for venting but really where else could I talk about this kind of stuff?I'm not sure where I belong.I'm no longer DID but I don't exactly consider myself normal either.

I wish it was like having super powers,lol.It's nothing like that at all though.It's alot like I said in anothe post about the girl on that Netflix show,having to learn everything as I go along.I'm not naturally sociable just because someone else inside used to be.I'm not a seductress just because one was,etc.,most of their skills and knowledge were coping skills developed years ago when they were created and having them now myself isn't that helpful really.The ability to draw,yes,I like that,but not knowing how to manage life,not knowing how to take care of myself,having to learn everything is so frustrating.

I don't think I'm explaining any of this very well.DID was a way to cope and no longer being DID is the opposite of that.I never learned coping skills.I never learned social skills or basic things.

I wish integration had turned me into a super woman with all the knowledge and skills to be able to do anything and everything,like just automatically know how to.It's not like that at all.It's lmore like suddenly having everything taken away.

dont worry about scaring me i/we decided long ago that integration wasnt for us ♥

I was ok with everything pretty much until a couple of months ago when some very extreme,life changing events happened.My whole world has been turned upside down.I know that what I am and have been going through would be hard for any person,not just me.I'm suddenly left on my own to fend for myself,basically homeless and I am really having a hard time learning how to completely take care of myself.And I'm not exactly young either,Im just an old woman and I am having to start over with absolutely nothing.

It's just hard.Things are just very hard right now.And no amount of medication would fix it or change it for me.I just have to do the things I need to do and learn as I go.I have never been alone before.I have been married since I was 18 years old.Now Im suddenly alone and it's frightening.I'm sure I'm much better off not being DID but it just seems like if I still was all this might be easier to deal with.DID is a disorder but it's such an effective coping mechanism that people with it can go through life without other people even knowing it.It's like a well oiled machine that even though there's many problems that go along with it,a person with it can still work,raise a family and do all the other things pretty much that other people do.A way to exist despite all the bad things that happened,and a way to hide all those bad things from the person.

I know what I am going through isn't really considered a trauma but it still feels pretty traumatic to me.And my old coping skills are gone and I have to manage on my own.

End of rant....

Thank you all for listening.

That really does sound completely overwhelming. We are here to listen anytime and you can vent about your frustration and struggle about it as much as you want. Hugs hugs and more hugs to you!!

I hear ya....it feels like I had to grow up over and over and over again....you will be fine.

If/when you reach full integration and are no longer DID then you might understand that equating living life 100% different,having to learn completely different coping skills,etc to having to grow up is an understatement and nothing similar at all.You have lived your entire life the way you are,as I did too,can you even imagine if it was different and you were no longer DID at all?

I'm curious what you mean by it feels like you had to grow up over and over again.Do you mean going through hard times in your life and having to start over?I'm assuming that's what you mean.I have had to do that in the past before too but I was still DID at the time,now no longer being that way it's a whole new ballgame.

I hope I will be fine as you say.

Realizing how stupid it is to be pissed at my T.He helped me,he didn't harm me.I guess I just wanted someone to blame,someone to lash out at instead of having to face all this.None of what's going on right now is his fault at all.And I really do need his guidance right now so I guess i wll tuck my tail between my legs and reach out to him for help.

Just saw your post. Never thought of it from that angle. Thanks for the rant! Integration has never been a goal for us. Partly cuz knew two people who worked hard to achieve it. Supposedly did but both fell apart when life's nasty surprises occurred. Perhaps you have hit on the reason. We always admired the various, seemingly ingenious coping mechanisms our system developed. Our system has the ability to get rid of ones we no longer need, refine ones that are working, develop new ones. That takes coordination, mutual assistance & (darn) work. Just like external family relationships. It's taken a long while but we now also have the ability to live in the present...most of the time...& even be happy. Had been thinking recently about what it would be like to integrate which we kind of thought of as being normal. Always greener on the other side of the fence!! Hope this finds you in a much better place than when you posted.

Honestly that would be such a big change for us I'm not sure all of us or just me, could handle it well. It's kind of hard to imagine what that would be like though, we're all too used to each other, well apart from the new one. I'm not entirely sure how integration works, but you know different people respond better to different things. Integration works for some people but not so much for others. And TBH I'm not even sure it's possible for everyone. This applies to us. I do not really think it would be an option, because as I said above change is particularly hard for us. I personally wouldn't suggest integration, all of us in the system have a role, a reason to exist, we like to be acknowledged for who we are as separate personalities, so yeah it's not for us. But if someone really thinks this is an option for them then it's not really our business.