Pieces of the Puzzle

Hi,
I am coming here in hopes that you all can give me some advice on what it is like for you in dissocating and well I am trying to figure the right way of asking, when you talk to your alters, is it just thinking about something and they answer in your head, or talking out loud to them?? I know that is a dumb way to put it but in trying to work out my own confusion on the subject and I knew I could trust you all to try and help out.
Since I have been in Therapy, a few months now I have had many out of the blue periods of fogginess and short blank spells where I don't remember what went on or the way things really happened. It makes me look back on some of my past "miracles" and know now it was not spiritual, but dissocation. That is depressing in that my whole life has been truely different then what I thought all because of child abuse. Knowing that and dealing with that is so very hard. 1Girl

Oxbowgirl,

It is sort of like talking back and forth in my head. Almost like remembering a conversation I heard of several people talking together. I sometimes talk out loud to an alter (NOT when I can be overheard, mind you - I have enough problems thank you very much!)

The thing here is that people do it differently. Part of it is a creative self-defense and just as people are different so I'd imagine that alters are different.

I do lose time sometimes and my memory of events is not always consecutive, especially if I am feeling stressed.

I don't know about everyone else, but I do know that sometimes my life feels unreal to me. I sometimes feel like this is all a dream and I must have made it all up. Things do not stay the same for me.

It took me a pretty long time, but I finally accepted that I had DID and I've been in therapy/counseling to help myself deal with it.

I hope some of this does help you.

Leslie and the Pixies

it sounds like you and i are in about the same place right now. i dont know what to say to help you, but i am here.

lost

My BF talks with his alters both ways. Sometimes, it's more like thoughts in his head and other times, they are having conversations out loud. It's quite a variety of experiences.

I don't have alters, but I can/do dissociate. But that's not always the same each time, either. Sometimes, the world just gets very dim and far away. Sometimes it's like watching it on TV. Sometimes it's like...reality...gets "replaced bysomething else, although that's harder to describe.

Thank you all so much for responding to my question. I don't know as yet whether I have alters or not. But your answers made a lot of sense and gave me some direction and a way to look back on my experiences and try to remember what was going on with me at those times.
The dissociating part I understand. I fade away. Things look foggy or unreal. The ground beneath me or objects around me seem to move, sometimes like a flowing stream. I lose time. I can not speak or hear when someone speaks to me. Sometimes I walk on air, not being able to feel the ground beneath my feet. I feel fear, like a wall or looking glass is between myself and the real world. Sometimes I am unable to see people I know, or find them even if they are in the same room with me.
I have learned in reading that sounds can be flashback triggers. Sometimes I hear the sound of static in my head like it used to be with old AM radio stations. It is so loud sometimes it drives me crazy. Sometimes I have heard muffled sounds like talking, but I can not make sense of it all. Sorry for rambling on so, just picking up pieces of a very confusing puzzle. 1Girl

(((hugs))))

Thinking back over time... because I have had 23 years of therapy.. I had those feelings that you are having... I think ... I call it "unrealness" feeling - I still have it.....

With the current T... things have changed greatly.. with the 2 years... before... I heard "tails of conversation"... like "ok, xyz"... or "that isn't such a good idea, yyy"...

Now.. I am more privy to complete conversations... back and forth... and... talking.... lots of activity... that actually makes some sense...

My T... is able to talk to alters... and taught them how.. to connect with each other..

For instance.. one alter.. XYZ... might know YYY.... so he uses XYZ... who my T is able to talk to... to relay information to YYY...

And.... thru alot of this type of communication... alters are getting to know each other... I believe that leds to the co-consiousness.. that has happened...

It sounds complex... but in therapy... it isn't....

So.. I hear.. voices talking to each other...

Oxbowgirl, I have always been a sad person with lots of fears and pain, so I sympathize with you now and I hope you will be encouraged here by all of us. It doesn't matter how you dissociate, or not - you are welcome here. I have felt very safe and welcome here too. So ramble if you need too - who said brevity is the only way to write? No one did. Take all the time and letters you need to pour out your soul and someone here will be kind to you. I can't fix anything, but I can care about you as a person like myself. Hugs!!!

((((((((multipixie9)))))) Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a great deal to me being able to come here and write about my struggles and pain in remembering and dealing with my life.

Hi 1oxbowgirl, we're glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

((((wanttoheal))))

As you know I have been posting in Clydes corner as well, and I kind of had a good thing happen over the weekend that I wanted to share with you. I have had a hard time dealing with my best friend as per "trigger points", that out of fear I let go on and on afraid to mention them to him because of the fear, (1.) of being misunderstood, (2) fear of rejection, and (3) of making him angry. But this weekend we sat down to talk about one thing and it became much more in that we were able in a calm way to talk about many things. I will not say it was really easy for me as he did call into play my behavior and that he thinks I am too bossy, and not willing to take responibilty for my actions. That hurt as I was aware of some things but totally unaware of others. But I was able to hear it and respond without dissociating. This to me was a surprize, but a welcome one. Shows my therapy is doing some good. But in being aware of some and not of other it made me really look at memory issues and see that there is a bigger picture coming in to play here and that I must not shy away from the big picture but allow it to unfold. This is scary because I must be open to all the possibilities and not hide behind "it is my seizure disorder", and not accept dissociation or the possibility of having alters. It was also good because my best friend has agreeded to read the book Separated From the Light, by William B. Tollefson, Chapters 5 & 6, and be open minded about it, as well as, try to modifity his forceful reactions and words that cause me to freeze, dissociate, or hide. If we can work together I might be able to recover. That is a good thing. 1Girl

I am still here trying to learn by reading your posts and by posting. Now I have another question for you. Do you ever see in your mind your alters?? Are you always aware of switching or are you clueless some of the time?? Did any of you find out through working with T about your alters, or had you always known?? 1Girl

Wanted to say I am sorry if i affended anyone with my questions. This idea is so new and so different I really did not have a clue where to begin or find answers. I have been reading a few books and found some of the answers and doing research on other sites that talk about dissociation, so I guess I don't need to bother you all anymore.
I have found that I feel stronger in sharing with my T, about my life, as well as, sharing it with my best friend. But I guess it will take months or years to sort out all the details.
When someone says "hey" you might have this or that, your brain starts a search on what is really going on and that search leads to asking other people their thoughts and ideas on the subject and if it could be true. Like typing in something to do a search on your computer which can not seem to find something as simple as a file, brain parts look on their "hard drive", and try to figure out the pieces of this strange and somewhat scary possibility. And soon you realize that the only place that is safe to ask the questions, (other than web searchs), is from people that are going though the same things you are. So if my questions seem silly, dumb or crazy, it is because I am lost and confused and looking for a way to cope with all my mixed emotions. Thanks for listening....... 1Girl

Dear OBGirl,

Listen carefully. You have NOT done anything wrong or offensive. I think it is a sign of intelligence to ask questions. You do not offend by asking questions you let us share our experience which to me is a compliment in a way. If I can help you a tiny bit, I feel happy.

If I may, let me caution you a little bit - too much reading can make you terribly self-conscious. It makes you look too close at yourself and it is hard on you. Things will unfold piece by piece.

Many people I've heard of or known do see their alters inside their mind. I do not. I had to keep quiet and I was extremely chatty as a small child. So the only way to keep quiet was not to see inside my mind. So, we turned the lights off. I do not see them or anything most of the time. I hear my alts. I feel their attitudes sometimes and I see nothing and it pisses me off sometimes cos I feel blind. I know, It doesn't make sense to me either. grrrr.

I have a friend and all her alts lived inside her head in a house with different rooms. They were different ages, stages and functions and names. Naomi was very visual with her alts. Sounded kinda cool to me. But people do it however works for them. this way I do it may have saved my life. My bad people would have killed me, or if not they sure fooled me well.

Be kind to yourself and applaud yourself for what you have done to keep yourself alive and functioning in this world. I have carried so much guilt for so little real sin. My bad people convinced me I was so bad and i believed their lies for a long time. I don't anymore, but the scars are there and I have to keep working for the chance to live in peace. I will get there.

Keep asking questions and sharing about your journey. People here will support you. I will support and applaud you on your journey.

leslie and the pixies

Hi ((((((((((((((1oxbowgirl))))))))))))))))))
I don't see alters in my mind, but I have looked at pictures of myself at different times in my life and wonder about things. Generally speaking, I have no pictures at all in my head. For me, I think that any pictures I might have grown up having included so much yuck that my brain just cut off that ability to survive. However, I do have pictures when I dream so I think the ability is there, just not in my awareness.

I don't read about my diagnosis because for me, I haven't wanted my brain to latch on to anything that wasn't really going on for me. I get all my information from my T and it's been very helpful for me. I tend to have my own words to describe what goes on for me. It's kind of interesting to explain what happens for me to T and find out there is a real word for it. It does help to make me not feel alone.

I don't think any of your questions are dumb OR crazy. I'm glad you feel safe enough to come here and ask. I hope that we can all support you as you learn more about yourself.

Thank you ((((multipixie9)))) and ((((wanttoheal)))).
I am going to take your advice and not read anything more. I found some stuff on one website that scared me and made me very sad for several days. So your advice is well noted.

One question: Do you have bad anger built up in you from the past that you are aware of ? It has been suggested to me that I have it, but I have no feelings or memories about it. I am like a locked box.

1Girl

My brain is still in that locked box. I have found if I talk to myself "while alone", when I am sad or fearful it seems to slow the ebb of fear and depression. I don't know why it works now when it did not before. My only thought to this is I have excepted the possibility of dissociation and more, not closing my eyes to it. And so maybe I have found a key to unlock the secerts of my mind. Thanks for all your helpful thoughts & prayers. I see my T on Monday, and I will ask her these questions of hidden anger.

This week I had a appointment with T. We talked about hidden anger and ways to defuse it. I still don't feel anger only sadness and so I know I have a long ways to go.
But during my visit with T, I had a feeling like there was more of me in my mind, stretching and pushing to see and listen to T. It was very strange and a bit over-whelming as I could not stop the feeling. (It was like having a small door opening and having five puppies trying to squeezing through the opening at the same time. That was just an example of feeling. I have no puppies in my brain.)
Anyone here every have a feeling like this????
Thanks for your friendship and for thinking of me. Your helping me get through a really difficult time. 1Girl

hi again, i wanted to talk about hidden anger. i have had a lot of hidden anger and it has finally begun to show up and come out. i needed to deal with some other stuff first and then i could feel safe enough to let the anger out. it has never come out in a way that has done real damage or harm to anyone but maybe me (which is not ok). i had to hide my anger to protect myself from extra abuse that would have come if i had shown my anger to the abusers.

many times in counseling i have had new experiences and felt overwhelmed by them or had trouble explaining them to someone else. some of them i enjoyed discovering and others were sorta scary. i actually liked my anger coming out. i felt more powerful and less helpless when i reconnected to my own anger that said "what you did was bad and wrong and i do not like it or you!!!" keep writing and questioning, it'll help you and maybe others too. i care!

leslie and family inside

I have thought a lot about the idea of a "hidden anger", and I think right now I only feel a deep sadness. But then to I have not yet been able to hear or be aware of my many parts. I have noticed when I begin to dissisocate that if I say "not now I have to stay focused," the feelings go away. Also if I get that tightness around my waist that feels like someone hugging just to tight, if I say, " do not hug me so hard and it's ok I will protect you," the feeling fades away.
I have not been able yet to relax enough or let down my guard enough to really see within. As I go though this with my T and discover more hidden memories perhaps then the anger may find its way out. 1Girl

i am not dx DID, but i understand the feeling you are talking about. i get it alot. other times i feel like i am one of the puppies and i can't get through the door to control what is going on.

lost

I have been working on getting better but find myself often just not wanting to go there. To open that box of memories and look it over once more. My T wants me to pick a certain memory and try to picture it as if on a TV screen in my mind and step into the picture and save the "little girl", (me), from the abuse. I have been trying this exercise but find it hard to put in on a TV screen. I can picture it in my mind happening but staying focused is really hard.
My T talks about creating a safe place to go when I am scared, but this also is confusing in trying to create such a place in my mind.
I sense the possibility of a old woman and a young child or two, but this is still in the begining stage of understand the puzzle.
I also wanted to ask if you can explain the basic knowledge of what or how flashbacks happen. I just wrote about something that happened to me, that I think was a flashback, though it was my first and it was very scary to me. You can read it over in Clyde's corner, drather then me retyping it over here.
The trying to do exercises for T, and wondering why I could not daydream anymore, then trying to remember my imaginary horse that I had as a child seemed to trigger this "flashback".
Any comments would be helpful to me. 1Girl