[Jewels]

you are coming out of dissociation, only to float in and out of it much of the day? today was like that for me. during the times i would wake up so to speak i would find myself talking on the phone with someone about a test i need to take before i go see my neurologist...she asked me why i needed it done before the date i had told her in a voicemail, and i said because my neurologist needs it by then. i have no clue how long i had been talking to her, or what was said prior to coming back to the ground, nor do i recollect leaving the ground again to be gone for another extended time period. This has frightened me quite badly, and i feel like i am losing touch with reality. i know that abbi has been gone for quite a bit of time, all due to the canary issue, but i don't know why she was so emotional over a bird...of course she had no idea i went back to the breeder who gave me both a female and a male bird so that we could have babies and sell them back to him at the appropriate time. she has been gone again after talking to sas last night, so she still doesn't know we have more canaries. i feel like i am having a total breakdown and don't know what to do about it. i can't even remember being out too much in the last 3 or 4 days and i do not know why. the times i am out are filled with panic attacks, migraines that last for more than a day, and lots of body pain. i do know that there is a severe stenosis in my back, which is where the pain is radiating from, at least that is what the pain dr thinks...so in the next few weeks i will be seeing him for a "walking epidural" to see if he can shut the pain off for a while to let that place rest. it is at the T12 L1 space. i know that that spot is highly painful, and don't know if the treatment will work. but i don't know what, if anything, he would be able to do should that not work. right now i am scared that it is going to require surgery, since the stenosis is quite a big blockage. and i am scared that it won't be able to be fixed. i already take enough pain meds to put a horse down...15 mg of morphine sulfate 3 times a day, Lyrica 150 mg 4 times a day, zanaflex 4 mg 3 times a day, Flexeril 10 mg at bedtime, and Xanax as needed for anxiety, along with all my other meds. i am afraid that the pain will just continue to get worse, which makes me want to stay inside and never come out again. i was hoping that sas would be here tonight (her tomorrow morning) so i could talk to her. but that was not to be i guess. if ever there was a time that i need help, it is now. hugs, prayers, more hugs, anything that you can think of that you would need should you be in my shoes would be most welcome. i don't usually come out here and talk, because i told abbi i would not take time from her by asking for help. but i think we all need a lot right now, and just don't know where to turn or what to do.
thanks for listening. i don't expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you what was going on so you could pray for us.
yahna sometimes host and 53 years young, with a LOT of physical and emotional issues that are tearing me up inside and out and i haven't a clue how or what to do except come here and hope that someone is willing to talk without hurting abbi's chances of being heard here too. she is my lifesaver, after all. she is out way more than she needs to be, and all because i have come to a place in my therapy that is way more than i can handle.
thanks again.
yahna

[DianasClan]

I can't say that I know how much pain your in but it sounds like alot. I am sorry to hear that. But I can say I understand about the floating in and out. That happens to me on a daily basis. rarely do I have a full day. And with school going on again it is even harder. I guess you would call me the host of Dianas Clan. I dont have communication with my alters. Something I am supposed to be working on so I dont really know them or much about them. I lose time so often that sometimes I dont even know I have lost time till I think on it. If you need someone to talk to I am here and would be happy to listen. (((Jewels))) hugs if you accept them.

Here for you
Diana

[silentandscared]

Originally Posted by Jewels

you are coming out of dissociation, only to float in and out of it much of the day? today was like that for me. during the times i would wake up so to speak i would find myself talking on the phone with someone about a test i need to take before i go see my neurologist...she asked me why i needed it done before the date i had told her in a voicemail, and i said because my neurologist needs it by then. i have no clue how long i had been talking to her, or what was said prior to coming back to the ground, nor do i recollect leaving the ground again to be gone for another extended time period. This has frightened me quite badly, and i feel like i am losing touch with reality. i know that abbi has been gone for quite a bit of time, all due to the canary issue, but i don't know why she was so emotional over a bird...of course she had no idea i went back to the breeder who gave me both a female and a male bird so that we could have babies and sell them back to him at the appropriate time. she has been gone again after talking to sas last night, so she still doesn't know we have more canaries. i feel like i am having a total breakdown and don't know what to do about it. i can't even remember being out too much in the last 3 or 4 days and i do not know why. the times i am out are filled with panic attacks, migraines that last for more than a day, and lots of body pain. i do know that there is a severe stenosis in my back, which is where the pain is radiating from, at least that is what the pain dr thinks...so in the next few weeks i will be seeing him for a "walking epidural" to see if he can shut the pain off for a while to let that place rest. it is at the T12 L1 space. i know that that spot is highly painful, and don't know if the treatment will work. but i don't know what, if anything, he would be able to do should that not work. right now i am scared that it is going to require surgery, since the stenosis is quite a big blockage. and i am scared that it won't be able to be fixed. i already take enough pain meds to put a horse down...15 mg of morphine sulfate 3 times a day, Lyrica 150 mg 4 times a day, zanaflex 4 mg 3 times a day, Flexeril 10 mg at bedtime, and Xanax as needed for anxiety, along with all my other meds. i am afraid that the pain will just continue to get worse, which makes me want to stay inside and never come out again. i was hoping that sas would be here tonight (her tomorrow morning) so i could talk to her. but that was not to be i guess. if ever there was a time that i need help, it is now. hugs, prayers, more hugs, anything that you can think of that you would need should you be in my shoes would be most welcome. i don't usually come out here and talk, because i told abbi i would not take time from her by asking for help. but i think we all need a lot right now, and just don't know where to turn or what to do.
thanks for listening. i don't expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you what was going on so you could pray for us.
yahna sometimes host and 53 years young, with a LOT of physical and emotional issues that are tearing me up inside and out and i haven't a clue how or what to do except come here and hope that someone is willing to talk without hurting abbi's chances of being heard here too. she is my lifesaver, after all. she is out way more than she needs to be, and all because i have come to a place in my therapy that is way more than i can handle.
thanks again.
yahna

Hi Yahna

Sorry that l was not around first thing the morning when you posted this plea for help........i'm saddened to here about your constant battle with pain management and l hope the walking epidural will provide you with some much needed relief. Its so good that you have come here for support during a very hard phase for you all..... l am sure that Abbi will be glad to know that you are here and are recognising the need for help. I spoke with Abbi for a long time on Thursday night and you are right that there is more to her disappearance than just the canary dying..... we were hoping that we had convinced her to return home to you all where you would all be waiting with open arms. Abbi at present feeld bad for the very strong reaction that she has had following the death of the canary and she doesnt understand why... which scares her some. Abbi is also worrying that she has let everyone down and is very concerned about you Yahna.....corncerned that you are away and worried that you need some help. I am always here and would always be willing to help in any way that l could .... sending all details to you in pm as Abbi already has them so they should be on your computer already hun......

Yahna dont feel bad about drifting in and out and floating around when things are bad for us we too have these for days at a time and also feel that once away we want to stay away................ your system has many many strengths hun and you an do this but maybe the physical is stopping you from 'staying'..............try to keep coming to talk we are all here for you as we are for any of the system that feel the need to come to talk
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yahna and all system }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

take good care all of you .........come and talk again soon

Mandyxxsafe and gentle hugs

[Poohbear13]

Originally Posted by Jewels

you are coming out of dissociation, only to float in and out of it much of the day? today was like that for me. during the times i would wake up so to speak i would find myself talking on the phone with someone about a test i need to take before i go see my neurologist...she asked me why i needed it done before the date i had told her in a voicemail, and i said because my neurologist needs it by then. i have no clue how long i had been talking to her, or what was said prior to coming back to the ground, nor do i recollect leaving the ground again to be gone for another extended time period. This has frightened me quite badly, and i feel like i am losing touch with reality. i know that abbi has been gone for quite a bit of time, all due to the canary issue, but i don't know why she was so emotional over a bird...of course she had no idea i went back to the breeder who gave me both a female and a male bird so that we could have babies and sell them back to him at the appropriate time. she has been gone again after talking to sas last night, so she still doesn't know we have more canaries. i feel like i am having a total breakdown and don't know what to do about it. i can't even remember being out too much in the last 3 or 4 days and i do not know why. the times i am out are filled with panic attacks, migraines that last for more than a day, and lots of body pain. i do know that there is a severe stenosis in my back, which is where the pain is radiating from, at least that is what the pain dr thinks...so in the next few weeks i will be seeing him for a "walking epidural" to see if he can shut the pain off for a while to let that place rest. it is at the T12 L1 space. i know that that spot is highly painful, and don't know if the treatment will work. but i don't know what, if anything, he would be able to do should that not work. right now i am scared that it is going to require surgery, since the stenosis is quite a big blockage. and i am scared that it won't be able to be fixed. i already take enough pain meds to put a horse down...15 mg of morphine sulfate 3 times a day, Lyrica 150 mg 4 times a day, zanaflex 4 mg 3 times a day, Flexeril 10 mg at bedtime, and Xanax as needed for anxiety, along with all my other meds. i am afraid that the pain will just continue to get worse, which makes me want to stay inside and never come out again. i was hoping that sas would be here tonight (her tomorrow morning) so i could talk to her. but that was not to be i guess. if ever there was a time that i need help, it is now. hugs, prayers, more hugs, anything that you can think of that you would need should you be in my shoes would be most welcome. i don't usually come out here and talk, because i told abbi i would not take time from her by asking for help. but i think we all need a lot right now, and just don't know where to turn or what to do.
thanks for listening. i don't expect you to understand. i just needed to tell you what was going on so you could pray for us.
yahna sometimes host and 53 years young, with a LOT of physical and emotional issues that are tearing me up inside and out and i haven't a clue how or what to do except come here and hope that someone is willing to talk without hurting abbi's chances of being heard here too. she is my lifesaver, after all. she is out way more than she needs to be, and all because i have come to a place in my therapy that is way more than i can handle.
thanks again.
yahna

Jewels~

I understand completely about having that floating in and out feeling. I have been feeling this way for almost a week. It is hard for me when I work and don't know how I got something done or got somewhere. My parts have been getting to know a new T and some of them are not liking this process or not liking the T (I am not sure which one). I have one in particular that all she has done is lie to my T and I can't seem to understand why.

I know for me that having physical pain is also a trigger for some of my parts to come out and it sounds like the same holds true for you. I am sorry to hear you are having so much pain but there sounds like there is a temporary solution right now. Maybe after to get the physical pain under control it will help with the floating.

I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Please know that you are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you.

Pooh

[Jewels]

I am so damn sick of snow, ice and more snow that I wish I lived somewhere that I could see the snow but not have to deal with it...like Arizona, or New Mexico. Once again I have fallen on the ice, this time injuring my wrist, my right knee, hip and my back. Not sore enough was my back--doh--now it is even more painful and the meds aren't working right now. Even my right ankle is throbbing in pain.

I feel like screaming, crying, having a hissy fit, and then just forgetting to come out any longer. If I weren't out, we wouldn't have fallen, and this would all be a moot point. The pain is multiplied times thousands right now, and having a hissy fit just isn't ME...but I'm stuck out here for some reason, and I HATE being out these days. There just isn't anything good that I do. I cause more hurt, more pain, more turmoil than anyone else who comes out. And I'm supposed to be the hostess with the mostest...NOT. They should just come, take me away, and then put me in a locked place where I won't hurt anybody anymore, where I can't do myself or anyone else any pain.

I wish I weren't here. I don't want to hear their stories anymore. Don't want to relive any of their pain, don't want to know of the horrors of abuse anymore. Sure, I didn't know any of this until about 15 years ago, but then I didn't know anything at all. Didn't know that I wasn't always "myself". Didn't know how much I hurt others, said things that I didn't remember, or act in ways that were contrary to what "I" perceived myself to be. Now the voices won't be silenced, the pain won't go away, and I feel like there is a permanent revolving door that allows everyone to be out whenever they want to be. I never know what will happen next, who will get the wrath of LEAH, who will be trying to comfort abbi or one of the littles, or who will think we are the biggest pain producer of all time. The phrase, "frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn", comes to mind right now. I'm tired, and hurting, and am wondering how much longer I can actually go through the pain and torment and anguish without going crazy. Because I feel like I AM going crazy. Like all of this is surreal, that people who tell me things about what I've done, or said, or acted like are just trying to get a rise out of me, make me angry enough to shut them out of my life. That I am just too damaged to be of any good to anyone. Well, maybe they are right. Maybe I AM too damaged, too awful, to be of any good anymore.

Sorry...that is just how I'm feeling right now. Maybe it would have been better had I never been born at all. What possible good can come out of all this pain?? When will it end? When in enough, enough?

Yahna, the main Jewel

[DianasClan]

Originally Posted by Jewels

Sorry...that is just how I'm feeling right now. Maybe it would have been better had I never been born at all. What possible good can come out of all this pain?? When will it end? When in enough, enough?

Yahna, the main Jewel

We are sorry to hear that you fell and got hurt more. This just a temporary thing though. You have to remember that. Have you had the epidural yet? Did that help at all? I am glad that you came here and posted. It is very important that you keep us up to date on your progress. Even if it seems like there has been no progress.

Please take care of yourself and know that your being born was not a mistake and that you really don’t cause the amount of trouble or pain that you think you do.

Denise of Diana's Clan

[4Grace]

Oh my darlin, I am so sorry Yahna.
These tears of mine are flowing for you baby. Oh God how I wish I could be with you right now darlin heart.

I am not DID, but to read what you've said is truly surreal honey, yet I know it is all so very painfully real. I have done my own personal research on this condition, for my own personal reasons. But evidently not enough to know what to say or how I can help you sweetie. I am so so so sorry, you are going thru this.

I know that I can and will Pray fervently for you and your system Precious Heart.
And you or anyone else can PM me anytime OK,

Love you and yours Bunches
I'll always be...
4everHIS
4Grace

[Jewels]

Tonight is one of those nights when the fears creep in and you can't stop them and you feel like you are going to die. Part of you wants to die, to end this stupid cycle of pain, but other parts want to keep going, want to get it all out so that they can finally be free of the torment and pain they have been in...the panic rises over me, through me, and just keeps coming...wave after wave after wave hits me and causes such stark fear that I wonder if this is what abbi and LEAH and the others felt when they went through their abuse...if they did, I don't see HOW they made it through, because even with just the panic and pain it is enough to send me teetering at the edge...I feel simply horrified at the images that scream across my mind, at the torment and the dizzying pain that was felt for all these years, at the gut-wrenching agony that tore through them...who the hell am I to want to quit after just a quiet evening of experiencing it? Just who the hell do I think I am to want to end my life just because I can't stand the pain after two or three hours? What have I DONE? What is wrong with me? Is this what it feels like to go crazy, to have everything stripped away in a second...in LESS than a second? They were just children themselves...where was I? Where WAS I? How can I say ever again that I don't want to know anything more? IS this all there is? This wearing down so far that you actually pray that death takes you? And when death doesn't come knocking anymore, how do you live with the realizations that because YOU couldn't stand the pain, you left and made someone else come and take the pain and torture and abuse to save yourself? How can I EVER look myself in the mirror again and say that it didn't happen to me, when I KNOW it DID??? When I know in vague terms it really did happen, I just don't know the specifics? Do I NEED to know the specifics? Do I need to know EXACTLY WHAT happened? IF I DO, THEN I AM IN TROUBLE. I CAN'T EVEN BEAR TO KNOW ONE MINUTE OF WHAT HAPPENED. I don't want to hear the pain and the sorrow and the sadness, I don't want to see the despair when I look into eyes that show only the effects of what has happened. I'm NOT calloused to their pain, I don't enjoy seeing their pain, but it happened somewhere outside of myself, with me tucked perfectly away behind walls that held out all sound, all vision, all of everything, and left "me" intact, going about my stupid little life, thinking all was fine. I don't think that way anymore. But if I DO think that way, for even a second, the horrors of what happened scream in agony, as if wanting me to know that while I was "out of sight, out of mind", things happened, TO ME. Things I could not then, nor do I now know how to cope with. Would someone tell me please if this is worth going through? What, in the end, will it BE like? What will it LOOK like? What will I FEEL like? What will I do when there are no tears to be shed any longer, when all the secrets are told and healed, and all those inside live in harmony with me? Can ANYBODY tell me that? I don't KNOW how to feel anymore. I don't KNOW what is right and what is wrong anymore, and I don't know what is safe anymore. Will anything, at any time, be safe, ever again?

Crying because I don't know how else to be right now,

Yahna the main Jewel

[silentandscared]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yahna}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

i'm so sorry that things are in such turmoil for you but its ok hunny to cry and release some of these feelings that are swamping you right now. You talk of the memories of not wanting or needing to remember and like you l too have felt it.......not wanted to believe it, thinking if l even contemplated any of it then it would all just be too much and on bad days yes l am still very much locked in that place. Wishing that it wasnt true , pushing it away, pretending to all that its all ok when really deep inside..... torture at the horrors of what l am beginning to understand is our lives........ shattering all what l thought that l was a happy child, loved and cared for.......so what l see now the hurt , the torture, the neglect and abuse......who was that then?? do l know this person???why do l see all of this, hear it smell it , feel it.......beacause like you l 'went away' gave the pain to others inside because it was all too much for me to bear..........that is what l find hard that l(mandy) wanted and needed to pass the pain away because l couldnt bear it so l gave it to these children to protect mandy and now now they are giving it back to me...... now they need me......need me to see and to acknowledge that what happened DID happen, DID cause terrible terrible hurt and pain to all of them in so many different ways........l am them and they are me and now for all of us to heal this hurt it is now my time to see, hear and face the unthinkables of our very existance..............its hurts so bad
it torture and turmoil, lost and alone, searching and confusing......easier to switch out and stay out......but now l think its my turn to try to help us......to do this l HAVE to acknowledge all the many many things that l have avoided for so long................some days are so dark and long and its so so hard just to stay living but do l have the right to give up on us all when the others didnt give up on me... would l not be saying.............there pain means nothing ...
l want us all to heal the pain and hurt...... will it ever be?
l dont know if or how or when this could ever be 'fixed' but l owe it to all of us to at least try to heal some of this pain

DON'T I????? HAVE TO TRY???HAVE TO TRY TO BELIEVE???? HEAL THE HURT??

EASY????NO!!!! SO VERY VERY PAINFUL

{{{{{{{{Jewels and all}}}}}}}}}

we love you all........we have to believe that hope is there......we have to walk this walk one small small step at a time................to take us to a place called
peace, love and happiness........it is there hunny...hang onto that even when there seems no way out.....hold onto us all.............we are all here with you walking the same rocky , bumpy path, wobbling, stumbling, and helping others back to their feet when they have fallen........ we are stronger together.......and we are unitedtied together so no one should completely fall

In my thoughts and prayers always
LIZxx

[Jewels]

This morning there is a calm that I haven't felt before. Like people know and understand, and it's ok to be feeling like I am. The crying has stopped, at least temporarily, and I am able to at least look and see that I haven't died yet, and am not likely to for quite a while yet. It's as if a giant pressure cooker in my brain has blown the steam and is ready for more. But I'm not sure that I want to feel again like I felt last night. There is quiet inside, though, and I would like to believe that they are feeling hopeful because of last night. Such turmoil and pain, pain so exquisite that it feels like thousands of tiny grains of sand hitting me at lightning fast speed, piercing the armor to reach the underneath. I don't know how to handle that pain, those sheer moments of terror and chaos and unrest. I feel like a warzone has just passed me by, has hurled all its grenades at me, and left me for dead. I am not sure this will last, but I'd like to think I reached some kind of milestone. One that won't let me go backwards any longer, one that is ready to give me more of the same now that I have seen I am very capable of learning. I don't know what is in store, but I do know that there is now a trust that wasn't there before. I must go and search and figure out what it is that I have learned, but just wanted you all to know that for the first time I feel just that. Hopeful. Hopeful that one day this pain WILL end, and I will find myself by myself, with everyone tucked away inside, free of the secrets we had to keep, free of the pain and torment and craziness that was our life. I know that thank you sounds so very trite. especially here with all you helping me and cheering me on. But know that I cherish your friendships, cherish your stories, and cherish you as friends that will but tell the truth to me always, whether I WANT to hear it or not.

Thank you for all who walk this road together with me. I am honored to know you, and respect you who have known for such a long time those feelings that I am now facing. Thank you for your honesty, for your beauty, and for your grace. for it's by grace that I have seen what I have created, and it is by grace that I am alive still this morning. THANK you for everything you help me with, and thank you that you can reach out in your own pain to help calm the fright that I feel inside.

Yahna, the main Jewel

[multipixie9]

yahna,

i am glad for the little oasis of your day. you are facing so much and it is overwhelming - the understatement of the decade!

one thing i hope you will hear from me, i learned that i do not need to be angry at me that i split and gave the pain away to others. i was just a toddler and it was a God-given way to survive through creative imagery and dissociation. i did not DO it to my others to hurt them, they took it and helped us all survive a hell NO child should ever face, but all too many do. i am learning to HONOR my alters, my heroes and helpers and rascals and saints who all participated in the rescue that kept us alive - partly even to write words of encouragement to you today. BUT....i did not start the healing journey this way. first i denied, insulted, ignored, punished, rejected and acted badly toward my others. they repayed me with migraines and back pains and all sorts of unpleasantries and i no longer blame them for those. it was war and people in war do what they must. My T, my hero, Carolyn spent a lot of time listening to me and then to us and to all sorts of things while she patiently spoke truth to us and quietly and kindly nailed my tennies to the floor as i tried to escape my past through denial. it hasn't been a lot of fun, but finally it has become effective and i am growing, changing and healing bit by bit and i have learned to love and respect my others - no matter how they "assisted" me, because all of their behaviors, good and bad came BECAUSE they thought that was how they could keep us alive. even those who tried the suicide path were taught that they were doing a job FOR us - a "backdoor" of escape. thankfully we had just as many parts whose job was to "prevent backdoors" from doing their jobs. sounds pretty squirrelly, but it was all we had between us, hell and the devil.

if you hang in there...IT WILL GET BETTER. if you were not strong you would not have survived childhood. taking the time to develop trust with your others and to learn how to stand listening to their "stories and truth" will earn you cooperation, in time.

i wish i could give you an extra infusion of hope and faith, but words is all i can offer, though i wish i could give more.

i think you are doing a good thing in writing as much as you are writing, it is good to pour it all out, just as it comes and please be patient with all of you. i care. hugs if you want them,

leslie and the pixies

[beadlady29-old]

dearest yahna, so sorry bead has not been able to be around for you during your very difficult struggles. please know that we did not forget about you and that we just had no way of even getting online to reead anyone's posts. bead freind ssend hugs, parayers, warm fuzzies and jmore prayers your way. please handg in there and we will ansower your other message as well.
bead

[Jewels]

is anothr day here, an anothr day brings lotsa stuff ta do...yahna is somewhat calmer than yesterday an the day before...hence i get ta come out an play! i missd bein here...i feel such acceptance from everybody here an that is good for us...an for me too...we gotta go ta the opthamologist this mornin so i will come back an write...cuz i gotta get stuff off my chest too...

abbi of Jewels

[Jewels]

well, again another blow to another day...at the opthamology appointment today I was told that I have a cataract starting on my right eye, which is the cause of my blurry right eye. He thinks the new script will help sharpen my vision. at 53, I am just too damn YOUNG to have a cataract. Since when does a 53 year old get cataracts? Isn't it enough that I feel personally responsible for everything that has gone on in my life, and furthermore, responsible for creating alters that had to take all the pain and suffering so I could remain "intact". The only problem with that is that I don't know how to turn it off anymore, and creating new alters because I can't stand the pain is just another one of those things that I feel extremely guilty about. Why can't I just STOP this insanity and try to figure out how to accept the pain and suffering when it comes up instead of giving it to someone else to deal with? What the hell am I thinking? I am going from bad to worse in a hurry, and I don't like what I'm feeling. It isn't enough that I have so many physical things wrong with me, but I have now another thing to worry about. And I feel like I'm dying...physically and emotionally. Is there going to be anything left of me to feel like I'm someone who contributes instead of just taking most of the time? God, it's like I need to just disappear and let everyone else be there when they need to be. I don't feel like I contribute to any part of me except for the addition of alters. I can't go through this any longer. Do I quit? Do I just go away and let others take charge? Do I just disappear from my family and let Myriam have a wonderful life without me? Would she even miss me? Would she want me to stay if I can't be the kind of mom I WANT to be, but can't be? How can I tell her that she would be better off with her dad? I CAN'T. that's the whole thing. She doesn't want to live with him, she says he ignores her mostly when she is over there for their weekend together. And he is trying to get me to discipline her the way HE wants her disciplined. Who the hell does he think he is? He aint my husband any more, he has NO right to try to make me impose discipline (he calls it punishment) on Myriam that I am not in agreement with. What the hell is wrong with me...thinking that I should be the same way with her when everything in me screams that what he is doing is just so wrong? But, where do I go from here? Do I run away, taking her with me? Do I dare to go underground and find a new identity in a new town, even a new state? Would what he is trying to do to me considered abuse still? He has no vested interest in her. He doesn't spend quality time with her, and he picks the stupidest battles to fight with her instead of picking the really important ones. What do I do? Where do I turn? What is wrong with me in even contemplating imposing HIS lack of moral values into MY life and MY relationship with MY daughter? Does anyone really know how to get away from someone like this? Do I go to Friend of the Court and demand that they get involved with taking his money and giving it to me so I don't have to see him, or deal with him? I'm so confused, so tired of the stupidity he exhibits...what do I do now?????????????

Yahna, the main Jewel

[Jewels]

ta say that we r tired is like sayin niagra falls has water...LOL...an about as noisy as niagra falls is, thats how noisy its here...an theres been a revolvin door ever since we got back from the eye dr...not sure if we like the new chat forum...seems ta kick u off if u dont post right away...i dont like that...what if we r just needin ta b quiet...an theres hardly no avatars ta put in...i hope that changes too...i added our picture on our profile...dont worry, we r gettin dentures so we will look much better when that happens...an we r wearin wigs now since our hair is so thin...so next pictures will look tons better...at least we think they will...how do we move pictures from just our photos to an actual album...i tried ta do it but it din work so if u could let us know it would be great...we got two pictures of Myriam at different ages...we like the one with Storm the best...she is a happy teen, an seems ta b doin bettr in school too...an we r surprised by how much shes grown these last 7 years...she is almost as tall as us...an wouldnt b surprised if she got taller n us...i gotta go...i m so tired that im almost fallin asleep here...talk ta u all latr...bye for now...

abbi of jewels

[DianasClan]

We are sorry to hear that things are rough for you. We wish we could make it all better for you. We have no advice to offer but wanted to send you lots of hugs.



The clan

[beadlady29-old]

beads

[Lauralter]

Yahna,
You have a lot of support here!
I am glad you write here and share.
I hope things get more comfortable
for you very soon.
Blessings,

Robert

[Jewels]

Sometimes it feels like no one understands, and then it feels like everyone understands. It is so difficult to learn to trust anyone, because we were taught never, EVER, share ANYTHING or something bad will happen. I have to say I have seen both sides of that statement. Sometimes I get into trouble after I have disclosed something of myself to someone else, and then at other times, it seems the exact opposite has happened. So if I don't talk a lot, it's not you guys, it's me. Talking about my alters is very distressing to me, because for so long I didn't know that anything happened to me. I just thought having huge lapses in time was normal. I am finding out it is not the "norm" to not know what happened. Sure, I am not talking about just losing a little time here and there. That is something I find we all do by daydreaming, or thinking of other things when we are driving. Those are "normal". But I am talking of HUGE holes in my childhood, as well as my adult life, that I have no explanation for. I cannot remember, cannot understand what it is that is wrong, or what transpired during those times. It freaks me out when I start obsessing about things, because I'm trying to make a book for Myriam of my life, and I can't remember. I can't remember who I was, what I did, or when I did things. So I am having a bit of difficulty in accepting that these things happened. I don't think that my DID is totally understood by me, but I am realizing that something wrong did happen. I just am a bit squeamish about finding out the what's and the wherefore's. So if I freak out, leave, and we come back as someone else, know that it was getting too much for me. Thank you all for understanding.

Yahna, the main Jewel

[beadlady29-old]

Originally Posted by Jewels

Sometimes it feels like no one understands, and then it feels like everyone understands. It is so difficult to learn to trust anyone, because we were taught never, EVER, share ANYTHING or something bad will happen. I have to say I have seen both sides of that statement. Sometimes I get into trouble after I have disclosed something of myself to someone else, and then at other times, it seems the exact opposite has happened. So if I don't talk a lot, it's not you guys, it's me. Talking about my alters is very distressing to me, because for so long I didn't know that anything happened to me. I just thought having huge lapses in time was normal. I am finding out it is not the "norm" to not know what happened. Sure, I am not talking about just losing a little time here and there. That is something I find we all do by daydreaming, or thinking of other things when we are driving. Those are "normal". But I am talking of HUGE holes in my childhood, as well as my adult life, that I have no explanation for. I cannot remember, cannot understand what it is that is wrong, or what transpired during those times. It freaks me out when I start obsessing about things, because I'm trying to make a book for Myriam of my life, and I can't remember. I can't remember who I was, what I did, or when I did things. So I am having a bit of difficulty in accepting that these things happened. I don't think that my DID is totally understood by me, but I am realizing that something wrong did happen. I just am a bit squeamish about finding out the what's and the wherefore's. So if I freak out, leave, and we come back as someone else, know that it was getting too much for me. Thank you all for understanding.

Yahna, the main Jewel

{{{{{{{{{{{{Yahna and all the Jewels}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yahna we do understand the large gaps in time where we cant account for who we were, whwere or who we lived with or anything that we did ( like we have periods of 2 year or worse gaps where we are clueless.) we have ben in thereapy for 5 years now, only the last 2 of which were whne we was diagnosed with DID. we also fight the diagnosis, but at the same time realize that something definitely is not right. Even though the dx explains a lot of stuff that otherwise does not make sense, it is still frustrating to accept and try to learn with. We too are also scared of remembering what we cannot remember. Like we remember some stuff from when we were young that def. was not good/...........why do we want to remember the stuff we cant remember.wont it be worse? dont wanna go there. But T say we has to in order to integrate us not into one person but to where we can get along with each other an know what each other is doing. Anyway, we is just try to tell you that you def. is not alone on this journey into healing. Bead walk with you in your heart anytime you need us too....an it helps to know that someone else is experienceing the same thing we is too. Please be gentle with yourself. Maybe you can find something that you like to do to take your mind off of stuff. Hope we help in some way.....sending warm fuzzies an peaceful thoughts your way........hope to talk soon..

marsidotz of beads

[Jewels]

short but not sweet...we are sick, and I won't give the details, but it is everything combined to make us one sick puppy...please pray for us and ask God to keep us safe and make us healthy again. Thanks.

Yahna, the main Jewel

[Jewels]

we r still tired...but seem ta b not so sick ne more...however our ankles is swolln an our feet too...we dont eat salt so we dont know what it is...we have a dr appt next week with our dr so we will hafta wait til then unless it gets worse...an yahna aint too happy that shes not feelin bettr eithr...an next week we got an appt with the dental clinic ta see how we r gonna get all these teeth out so we cn get dentures...scary scary scary...dont like drs...an is difficult ta eat cuz one of the teeth in the back hurts when we chew on it...an its the most used tooth we got ta chew with...so we wont b eatin much til after we get our dentures...yahna feels real bad that she cant b here more...she so needs hugs an tenderness right now cuz she is feelin worthless...an we dont know how ta do it cept ta let her have her space an cry an do whatever she needs ta do...but these past few days all she does is cry inside an hug her pookie bear...we dont know what is wrong...but she dont wanna live ne more an feels like she is a bothr an a headache ta everybody else...an her daughter would b bettr off without her...she is kinda low right now...please pray for her an ask God ta show her somethin special this weekend...we dont have very many friends that we can go to that even accept where we r in our recovery an even the ones that say they r friends rnt willin ta see the pain she went thru or even hear bout it...all we cn say is help...

abbi of jewels

[DianasClan]

Abbi,

I am sorry to hear yahnna is having such a hard time right now. Feel free to PM us if any of you needs to talk. We are happy to listen. Sounds like you guys are doing the right thing letting her have her space and allowing her to cry. Sometimes that is the best and only thing to do. We also understand how you feel about Dr.s we feel the same way. Last year was hard as Diana needed to get a tooth removed and have an implant put in. Diana takes meds for anxiety before going to the dentist. So we feel for you.

Please keep us posted on how you all are doing.
Hugs and understanding.

Denise of the Clan

[silentandscared]

Jewels and all

[Fuzzybear]

Jewels