post-op, separated, confused

I don't love him like I did in 1975. we married in '76. Now we are more like brother and sister (in my mind). I filed for legal sep. last Aug. I now have a small inheritance and want to remodel our 2nd home in Truckee where I intend to spend the rest of my days. I know I need to have my Attorney write up a special form for him to sign so that I don't get screwed for improvements that I have made.

So, one of my delema's is that I am recovering from surg. I miss my awesome Rosie-dog (that I adopted last July. She had been severily abused in her 1st 5 months of life.

I am recovering, post-op, am not allowed to lift or strain my body. The property in Silicon Valley is worth more money, but also has a much larger amount owed on it. My husb.(sep)is supposed to be here to help me recover. He has no patience with Rosie so I had to board her ($40 a day x 14). We were married for 32 years and still he can not help me unless I come short of begging and even then it is questionable that he will support me.
I love him, but no longer as a lover (I believe he feels the same way).
My Psych. say's divorce him, get on with your life.
He has heart prob., I insist to him that divorce doesn't mean we still can't support one another and be 'friends'. He see's NO reason to divorce.

I want to file for divorce, support my own life and ethics in this world, How do I do this without deflating him?

Post-op I have very little support. I can't wait to get back to work - where my peers care and want to take care of me.

After 32 years how can I still be caught up in this? Any advice?

Tell him how you feel ? Let him know you want a divorce and its because you want to try life on your own with no ties ? That you see its the only way forward for you and he has no choice but how you would love to remain friends...

His pain or hurt or physical illness is not your problem any more if you truly want to move on. However you can be nice about it and by being firm but nice you are being positive for yourself.

LSCS628,
Thank you for sharing...your kind heart shows in your post.

Like Tishie, I believe you should be direct with him.
It's understandable that you still feel obligated to him, but that's exactly what it is--an obligation and no longer a commitment, if that makes sense.
You've spend many years taking care of everyone else but yourself...perhaps it's time you did take care of you.

We all know that changes are hard to make, and many times we worry about the other person and the affect it will have on them.
But you are not responsible for his reactions or his health problems...he'll have to stand on his own two feet. Jmo, but he has everything he wants--nice and neat--so he may feel like hanging on to the comfort of his life but not acknowledging your needs.
I offer my apology for sounding harsh, my intent is not to hurt or anger you.
LSCS628, you are entitled to "your time." You've given it all you had and it didn't work out. There is no shame in that, probably some sorrow and disappointment...instead of letting those things block you, use them to reinforce your need for a new life.

You know what you want and need--go for it. Please don't let your desire for independence and peace fade away...
Maybe while you are continuing to recover from your surgery you can start making concrete plans for doing what you need to do for yourself.
Taking care of yourself is not being selfish!

My best wishes to you for good physical and emotional health,
Catherine

A BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU THAT SHARED YOUR THOUGHTS AND SUPPORT WITH ME!
TO UPDATE: I CAN TELL YOU THAT I AM MEETING WITH MY ATTORNEY (AFTER FILLING OUT A MOUND OF PAPERWORK) THIS COMING THURSDAY. WE WILL BE PROCEEDING WITH DIVORCE PAPERS.
I WENT BACK FOR MY NIECES COLLEGE GRADUATION AND STAYED AT THE HOUSE WITH HIM AND MY DAUGHTER. AT THAT POINT I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF FILING FOR DIVORCE. HE BECAME COLD AND REFUSED TO DISCUSS ANYTHING.
HE HAS ALSO BEEN PLAYING THE INNOCENT, SAD MAN WITH HIS (AND I THOUGHT MINE) EXTENDED FAMILY. THAT IS THE REASON NONE OF MY LETTERS, E-MAILS AND CARDS HAVE BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED BY ANY OF THEM. HE HAS 5 BROTHERS WITH WIVES AND CHILDREN, NOT TO MENTION MY 2 STEPDAUGHTERS FAMILIES (6 GRANDCHILDREN). WOULDN'T YOU THINK THAT THEY WOULD KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO ACCEPT THAT I AM NOT A CRAZY, HEARTLESS, CONIVING PERSON?
HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM DROWNING IN SADDNESS AND GRIEF WHEN IT INVOLVES SO MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE LOVED FOR SO MANY YEARS?
POST OP I AM DOING WELL. TODAY I CAN FINALLY BRING MY ROSIE DOG HOME.
I BEGIN MY NEW JOB ON THE 11TH. HOW IN THE HECK AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND STOP THE TEARS WHEN THAT STARTS?
I KNOW THAT STARTING OVER IS A VERY LONELY, SCAREY PLACE TO BE BUT SOMETIMES THE PAIN OF IT IS JUST TOO MUCH.

[quote=LSCS628;1036437]A BIG THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU THAT SHARED YOUR THOUGHTS AND SUPPORT WITH ME!
TO UPDATE: I CAN TELL YOU THAT I AM MEETING WITH MY ATTORNEY (AFTER FILLING OUT A MOUND OF PAPERWORK) THIS COMING THURSDAY. WE WILL BE PROCEEDING WITH DIVORCE PAPERS.

A huge step for you and it took courage and determination.
I know it doesn't feel like it, though.

I WENT BACK FOR MY NIECES COLLEGE GRADUATION AND STAYED AT THE HOUSE WITH HIM AND MY DAUGHTER. AT THAT POINT I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF FILING FOR DIVORCE. HE BECAME COLD AND REFUSED TO DISCUSS ANYTHING.

...I'm so sorry
In a way, to me at least, it shows he may still be trying to control you. All the more reason to protect yourself...

HE HAS ALSO BEEN PLAYING THE INNOCENT, SAD MAN WITH HIS (AND I THOUGHT MINE) EXTENDED FAMILY. THAT IS THE REASON NONE OF MY LETTERS, E-MAILS AND CARDS HAVE BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED BY ANY OF THEM. HE HAS 5 BROTHERS WITH WIVES AND CHILDREN, NOT TO MENTION MY 2 STEPDAUGHTERS FAMILIES (6 GRANDCHILDREN). WOULDN'T YOU THINK THAT THEY WOULD KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO ACCEPT THAT I AM NOT A CRAZY, HEARTLESS, CONIVING PERSON?

They will in time...right now they are still snowed by his words and actions. It's quite likely they may be struggling with loyalty to a by-blood family member.

HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM DROWNING IN SADDNESS AND GRIEF WHEN IT INVOLVES SO MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE LOVED FOR SO MANY YEARS?

LSCS628, that other four letter word time.
Jme, but taking things slowly and not berating yourself can help. All of this is shaking the only foundation you have known for years...it has to be rebuilt brick by brick.
Grief is seldom mentioned as a byproduct of letting go of one life and beginning another. Please know that your recognition of your grief is good although it hurts...people rush to your side whenever there is a physical death; hardly anyone sees the death of a relationship/marriage as deserving of support.

POST OP I AM DOING WELL. TODAY I CAN FINALLY BRING MY ROSIE DOG HOME.


I BEGIN MY NEW JOB ON THE 11TH. HOW IN THE HECK AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE AND STOP THE TEARS WHEN THAT STARTS?

You will be in my thoughts...
In your earlier post, you mentioned your peers do care about you and want the best for you. They'll understand how difficult it will be for you as you are getting back on your feet.
Just a thought, but maybe after a day or two of adjusting to the newness of it, perhaps you will be able to feel free of a lot of garbage you've been carrying for so long...and start feeling relief.
With all my heart, I hope this happens and happens quickly.

I KNOW THAT STARTING OVER IS A VERY LONELY, SCAREY PLACE TO BE BUT SOMETIMES THE PAIN OF IT IS JUST TOO MUCH.

LSCS628, you are absolutely right about it. But could you see yourself staying in that life with him, and endure that type of loneliness and know that it will never get better?

Talking about it here and irl can help you get through it, bit by bit. Yeah, you are in a rough spot and may be there for awhile...but look what you have survived so far? There is so much courage within you, it will keep you going.
At some point, there will be more peace in your heart than there is fear and loneliness.
Please give yourself credit for being a solid and worthwhile woman, deserving of respect and acceptance.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
We really do care...

Catherine

/quote]

My ex husbands family (married for fifteen years) knew exactly what he was and felt sorry for me, often made comments to him about being lazy !

Yet when I eventualy left him they all (without exception) 'joined' his side and shunned me, that was three sisters their partners, children (some of whom was adults) and his mother and father.

One who I classed as a friend even went to the extreme of phoning me and telling me it was fifty fifty lol. But as it was her brother she 'must' side with him !

I would try to let his family go in your head.

You may also be suprised at how much he will change towards you ie becoming cold and bitter, expect it then anything else is a bonus....

THANK YOU TISHIE. I AM SO SORRY THAT THOSE PEOPLE HAVE TREATED YOU SO HARSHLY. IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING, HOW LONG AGO DID THEY BEGIN THIS? IT IS INTERESTING BUT SO SAD ABOUT YOUR FRIEND. BEFORE I SEPARATED I FULLY REJECTED A FRIENDSHIP THAT WE HAD HAD FOR 30 YEARS. THE HUSBAND WAS A VERY UNHEALTHY, JUDGEMENTAL AND CRUEL MAN AND HE JUST WENT TOO FAR WITH SOMEONE AND THAT WAS FINALLY IT. I WANTED TO KEEP THE FRIENDSHIP WITH THE WIFE BUT SHE REJECTED ME BECAUSE I REJECTED HIM. THEY ARE NOW MY HUSBADS BEST SOURCE OF SUPPORT (NO REGRETS ON MY PART).
HOW ARE YOU AT THIS TIME?

I was an only child....my father had died 15 years before my Mother, who just died almost 5 years ago. It was when my Mother died that I was able to sell her home, use the money & buy my farm & leave my husband after 33 years of marriage....last 12 were nothing but living under the same roof.

Initially my move wasn't intended on being the complete separation that it ended up being, but I realized that I couldn't possibly continue living anywhere close to my husband.....especially with the ending blow when I got a letter from the IRS about back taxes that hadn't been responded to by my husband for almost 1 year......he had received the letter just after I purchased my farm.....I completely ignored it.....luckily, we had the mail forwarded here at Christmas when he came here for the first Christmas at my farm with our daughter visiting too. It was that February that the mail was still forwarded & I received the letter. I contacted his parents to tell them that I thought there was something seriously wrong with their son & that he at least needed their support (as they had completely ignored him for years also) because I had moved to my farm & after his inability to handle any responsibility in the marriage all those years, I had finally had enough & he wasn't going to be moving to the farm with me.

I haven't heard a word from the since that email......I have no family after my parents died. My daughter & I have never been very close...(my fault as my career was more important to me than being a mother). We do get along well together now, but she doesn't like talking on the phone & when she does talk on the phone, she ends up talking to the people in the room around her & it's hard to hold a conversation with her......so we don't communicate much at all either.

It is interesting though as I have started a whole new life here completely alone & I really love it. Have friends in many different areas of my life that I enjoy being with & doing things with. I have accepted the life that I have ended up with & am actually more comfortable with it than I ever was in my married life......when I finally get my horses moved here with me & my furniture, I will finally be more comfortable.

As for a divorce....we have so much debt that even if we sold the house there, we wouldn't be able to pay off the debt......& filing for bankruptcy wasn't an option because of our financial situation either.....somehow because of the value of the houses & all, everything would have to be sold first......so we just have gone our own ways.....neither have any desire to ever get married again, so there is no issue with that......we no longer have to live under the same roof.....that would not have been tolerable any longer.

I am glad you are able to work out the divorce as it does help make the ending more clean cut.

It is sad how family can be so mean....my friends in-laws after her divorce are still wonderful to her.....some people are lucky to have family that really does care no matter what.

You focus on the reasons you left & why you felt the way you did to end the marriage.....that is the best reason to move on. You wouldn't have left if you loved him or there was love in the marriage.

You will get through this & will come out so much better for ending the marriage. I realized that I was able to get the values back that I had lost when I got married 33 years before....I got trapped in his life style of spending money & credit....it was aways a problem for me in my mind. I would spend to make myself feel better, then I would end up feeling worse......I hated who & what I was when I was with him & I hated the anger that I felt toward him for how irresponsible he was in caring for the financial end of the family.

What freedom....even though I have nothing now except my farm & enough money to make the monthly bills......It is like a breath of fresh air that blows through my life constantly.

Hopefully when you look at what you left & why, you will feel this way also......as there are no regrets when we feel good about it life finally.

Know it will all sort out for you,
Debbie

(((((( LSCS628 ))))))

It sounds like you have all the right attitudes and plans going for you amidst the changing scenario around you. Remember that if the pendulum swings too far in the sympathy direction and you throw in a sizable dose of guilt, you end up with co-dependence. I don't see that as even a threat in your case at this time. You are doing everything possible right for yourself. Kudos to you! It will likely get more dramatic and bizarre. But I think you are up to it.

Best wishes to you and hang tough!