[bos314489]

I am 40 years old and have been divorced for 2years. We were together for 10 and I really thought he was my soulmate. He asked for the divorce and told me he was in love with another woman and they have since been together. What I haven't told you is I am ashamed to admit that I was unfaithful to him and he found out. We went to counseling and he said he forgave me, but he never got over it and soon was in love with someone else. I can't get over the guilt of being unfaithful to him. It was the stupidist thing I have ever done in my life and I cannot forgive myself. I lost my best friend and husband and got what I deserve I guess. My question is when am I going to be able to go a day without thinking of him and wishing we could get back together? How am I ever going to be able to start a new relationship with someone when I am still in love with my ex? How long is this going to take? It has been 2 years and it hurts as much as it did when he first told me it was over.

[rob0318]

WOW!!! im so sorry to hear that your feeling this way still after two years. Have you tried any thereapy counseling? I just started counseling two weeks ago and it does help a little but I am going to look for a different thereapist because I really dont feel im connected with her. But with that said I going to look for someone I can connect with. Im guessing the guilt from being unfaithfull is still haunting you. Im guessing you realized what you had after it was gone but did not know at the time? Im kinda a forgiving person even though that would hurt me a lot. Do you two still talk or anything, have you told him how you feel and what you have been doing.

[bos314489]

Yes I have talked to him and he knows how I feel. We talk maybe once every couple months but it is really painful for me even to hear his voice. He has a completly different life now and is really happy. I am glad that he is happy but it just hurts me to hear about it because he is talking to me as a friend and I am still in love with him. I have not had counseling. I have never had any success with counselors in the past. They usually refer me to books to read or something. Have you been through a divorce?

[Open Eyes]

Well, some people get too hurt when a spouce cheats on them, and they just can't excuse it or even know how to trust, really trust, ever again.

Honestly, my husband cheated on me and if I didn't have a child to think about, I may have very well left him. I have done my best to try to forgive him, but it just isn't the same and I still have a very hurt part of me I don't know what to do with. He tells me he loves me, I am his best friend and will never do it again, but, honestly, if he felt that way, he would not have done it at all IMO.

I didn't find out right away, and for along time he was often not right with me, picking on me and moody, that was because he hated the guilt. So, I know for a fact that "guilt" is bad for any relationship as the "guilty one can often end up almost hating the person they betrayed".

You betrayed him, and you have to accept the consequences, and my suggestion it to "move on and find another relationship knowing that you need to respect "trust"".

Open Eyes

[bos314489]

Thanks for the reply. I can imagine if he cheated on me that I would feel the same way. I understand that some people just cannot get over it but there are other marriages that do survive it. I was hoping we could. It is hard letting all those good 10 years together go for one mistake which I realize is a huge mistake and I am very embarassed to even talk about it. I just feel horrible about it. But I know that I have to move on and be completly free of him. I have heard it takes 2 years to get over a divorce and it has been 2 years and I am definitly not over it!

[hamster-bamster]

You need to start looking at life as an experiment that it is. You tried cheating and it led to bad consequences, so, I agree with "You betrayed him, and you have to accept the consequences, and my suggestion it to "move on and find another relationship knowing that you need to respect "trust"".

Open Eyes"

So you know that some marriages withstand extramarital affairs and some do not. It is an awfully high price to pay for that knowledge, but you do not learn from books as you said - when your counselors or therapists sent you to read books, it did not work. Some people are lucky in that they can obtain and incorporate knowledge from books, the Internet, other people's experiences, etc. Others only learn from their own experiences. Only from their own. So that must be your case. Of course, losing a best friend, a soulmate and ten good years - an awfully high price for a good lesson, but there is nothing you can do about it at this point.

But now that you have learned you can go and apply your newly acquired knowledge to better your life with someone else.

I feel for you very much as it is very hard to be still in love with a person you have already divorced.

[hamster-bamster]

Another thing is I think you will need to start talking about your extramarital affair. right now you are so ashamed it is a taboo. Taboos haunt us. It should become something you can talk about.

[hamster-bamster]

The trouble is, though, a whole lot of life lessons are not applicable to subsequent situations. Your next husband may not care so much about his wife's fidelity. People differ widely in that respect. This sucks. When you pay dearly for your lesson and cannot even reuse it.

[bos314489]

Thank you for the replies. I agree that I need to learn to start talking about the affair as it is this deep dark secret that has been haunting me. I have only told one friend about it and the rest of my family and friends just think we split up because we weren't getting along, etc. It is not something I want to come out and say to everyone. I probably will try therapy at some point again because it has been 2 years and I am not feeling any better whatsoever.

[hamster-bamster]

agree about not coming out to everybody and their brother but talking to a therapist as about an unfortunate mistake.

[Open Eyes]

Well, you have given me some food for thought tbh, how a person who cheated can regret just as much as the one they cheated on.

When I first heard the truth about my husband cheating, it just hit me so incredibly hard. I can't express how deeply hurt I was. I was also angry too and I wanted to have someone else to fill that void in me. I not only felt betrayed by my husband, but by my best friend that I had in him too. Not to mention that I thought about how he also could have exposed me to some kind of serious STD.

I don't think you deserve to carry this "guilt" forever though. You have to find a way to "forgive yourself" and finally make peace with the fact that while you hurt two people, you have to respect that it is just too hard for him to "trust" you that way again. As you mentioned, you would have been just as hurt if he had done it to you.

Unfortunately, your ex cannot be inside your head to see how much you truely regret your mistake either. He is only capable of feeling his own hurt and sense of loss. I think it would be easier for me if I could be inside my husbands mind where I could know his real thoughts too. Instead I have to "trust" in what he says, and because "trust" was broken so deeply, it is extremely hard to "know how to trust" so deeply again.

Two years is not very long because for most of that you probably had alot of "hope" that perhaps your ex could have found a way to forgive you. So, really you have come to a point where you have to finally "accept" that he has made a new life with someone else. And you also have to realize that "loving someone" also means allowing that person to be "happy" too.

The fact that you "do" feel guilty about this means that you can still be a loving "true" partner to someone else, and respect them in a deeper way. It would not be good if you didn't really feel the guilt and loss because that would mean you may never have another "real love relationship friendship".

So, know that you gave your ex time to think about what he wanted and that he has made his decision. You have to now "let go" and finally move on, forgive yourself, learn from this, and allow yourself to move on.

Open Eyes

[avlady]

I'm sorry for your predicament, I know of several people I've met through others or just grew up with and my own experience that cheating isn't all that bad as some other things that could have happened, you need to talk it out with someone even f you have to repeat it several times until you can't stand hearing your own voice anymore, you should only do that with a therapist I think, as otherwise some people get sick of it, and you can lose friends.The feelings seem raw still so that probably doesn't help, but they can heal at least subside in the years to come, you could meet someone new, or just have fun as a single person- avlady