Having a hard time getting divorced

My wife and I are living separated since over a year. It was my own decision because I felt she hardly thought about my needs and mainly about her own. I got the feeling my needs didn't count but I had to serve her needs all the time and she even demanded that. And thats just one part of the pain and hurt.
But from the moment she left the house, I fell into a deep black hole of depression. Just like always in my life, things are mixed up. I had a manic episode that lasted a couple of months and ended more or less until the moment she left. I got more and more exhausted from that episode until the point I wasnt even able to get out of bed and take care of myself. I quit anti depressant the day before she left. Anyway, that depression was so severe, the worst I ever had. I have been crying every day since. I still love her and miss her. I am remembering the good things and positive sides of her and I start crying. She even forgave the things I did during my manic episode. But rationally I know that her negative characteristics that hurt me over and over again were the reason for my decision. I have had some short term relations since with women that were much kinder than her. But I dont have the feelings I have or had for her. My wife was everything for me. I am devastated.
In my previous relation I didn't have those issues when we separated. I even doubt if it is all my fault. The way I responded or communicated about her hurting me. I lost my sense of self, of who I am. I can't believe this is happening.
Did I develop some codependency? Why doesnt it wean off? Why does it take so long to get over it? Is it prolonged grief disorder on top of all the scheit I already have?

I can't imagine what you're going through. It's going to take a long time to get over because you were in love and still are.

Many of us identify as a couple. When we're in public or private or whatever, it's not Webgoji or Mrs. Webgoji, it's always Mr. and Mrs. Webgoji. We're one entity both in the eyes of the world and in our minds. It sounds like it was that way for you too.

Now in your case, it sounds like you were investing more than you could afford to lose which means, as you know, it's time to move on. But that doesn't change your feelings, it doesn't change that now it's just Pearlys.

Do remember the good things, but don't cling to them. Work on Pearlys as a good person that's learned and grown. Use those times to understand they made you a better person and thank and forgive her for those times. But you need to find a relationship where both of you have your needs and wants fulfilled. Not just moments, but every day.

Hang in there, it's rough, but you'll be all the better for it.

Thank you for your supportive answer. I have the feeling however that I didn't learn and grow but that I am not a nice person anymore. I feel like an empty shell, I feel small, like a helpless and vulnerable child. Completely drained of my energy, vitality, initiative and joy.
She was the reason I did everything for. For whom I do it now? I had dreams about our future, children, now all that is shattered. People keep telling me one day I will be ok again. I don't have that faith....

i hope you can come out of this depression, i lost someone i was totally in love with years ago and still feel the pain, just letting you know i know how deep it goes. get yourself out there even if its to a store or somewhere. you dont have to worry about finding someone to fill that hole in your heart but you could learn to love again, i don't even know how i can tell someone else that when i'm so bad myself 30 years later.

Grieve fully and only then you can move on. I am not sure you fully grieved. If you already had relationships yet you are not even over her you probably created more pain for yourself. I do that too. Acknowledge good things and forgive bad and move on.

Are you in therapy?

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Im in therapy, but thats mainly for my personality traits. Im on meds. Im still grieving yes but I never knew it would be so hard, so deep and so long. Im still depressed too. Im anxious, restless, exhausted, anhedonia, insecure. All this is worse than ever...

I am so very sorry. I wish I could help. I want you to be better and am sending you hugs

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First let me say, you will get better, it's just everyone grieves differently. I was in a similar type marriage. We fought a lot and were never really happy with things then she surprised me with a separation suddenly which cost me my home and time with my children. We got back together and things were never the same and would more than likely never be the same for you. We tried to reconcile so I came back but the next 7 years were spent in a loveless marriage. I would never trade the time I got with my children but it wasn't worth giving away seven years of happiness.

In my life, I have found that in most relationships I ever had, one partner loves the other, more. Meaning, you love them more than they love you in return or vice versa. In this instance, it seems you love your wife more than she loves you in return which is hard. I've been on both sides. Usually when you love more than you get in return it makes you feel the way you do. Sad, depressed, questioning why, what can I do better.

Let me tell you, it won't get better in most cases and you will be driven to act crazy and do irrational things that you will regret and feel, pushed her farther away, blaming yourself. Grieve, cry but surround yourself with good friends that care about you. Make yourself do things, go join a gym and get in the best shape of your life. Eventually you will get over the emotional scaring but let me tell you, you do scar and it becomes harder to open up to someone and you become guarded. These are all natural things.

I have met my soul mate and you will too. When you find that one person that loves you equally, then you will know what true love and happiness feels like. I have but I gave away seven years before I too, decided to move on and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I still have contact with her and she says she still loves me, she admits her mistakes and says she learned a lot (she is in therapy herself). I still love her too but I don't have much faith. I dont want to go back in a relationship like it was with lots of verbal violence and offences. More fights than sex....

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I was in a loveless marriage for years, and like you I beat myself up wondering what I did wrong.

Sometimes you know in your heart that this isn't going to last, but afraid of making that real step to move on. I did try over and over, and listened to the "things will get better" spiel, but they didn't. But that doesn't make either of us failures. It simply means it wasn't meant to be.

So my advice to you is to listen to your instincts.

Not your love for her or what you had, but what your heart says.

What does it say?

We all risk loneliness when we have to move on, but it's good to realize that sometimes things simply don't work out. Sometimes it's not anyone's fault. It just is.

Admitting mistakes and changing them are two completely different things. Words are nothing without action.

We all have a hand in whether a relationship lasts or not. We all also have boundaries, and you know in your heart when enough is enough.

You know in your heart what you want, and I know how hard it is to make that decision. And give yourself a break when you give in to her. But stick to yourself and your heart about what you want.

I wish you the best.

Its been a few months since your original post and I am glad to see that it seems you are getting stronger. I can relate to the drowning depression that a separation can cause. I myself went through something similar during my divorce. I worked full-time and had just enough strength to keep it together most of the day (many times I went to the bathroom to cry) but come night time, I shattered. I would cry myself to sleep, then wake up again and do it all over. It was awful. And it lasted for month-after-month and it made me very very discouraged. But, it eventually got easier. I know it was hard for me because I had just moved to a new state and new area and didn't know another SOUL except my then-husband. So, being absolutely alone was hard.

It took about 6 good months to get over that relationship. I clawed my way out of my depression. I saw a counselor. I put myself out there and just started doing what made ME happy. I lost a lot of that in my relationship. I LOVE to hike, he didn't. So, we never hiked. I LOVE horses, he didn't. So, I started to ride my horses more. I loved watching sappy chick flicks....you get the point.

Do what makes YOU happy. Life will keep turning, whether we want it to or not. There is no miracle cure or fix to get over this sort of feeling.

I am actually going through yet again another rough relationship. We are on the verge of separation. I was afraid I'd drop back to my deep dark depression. But, knowing I pulled myself out before, I am hopeful.

You can DO this. You lost a part of yourself in this separation. Your identity has become intertwined with another person's. But, identify the things that make you happy and DO them. Accept you can only control what you can control. You can't MAKE yourself bounce back. But, you can give yourself a goal to-- get out of bed by 2 PM. Or, go for a bike ride. Or, watch a nature program. Tiny goals that will help you feel accomplished.

Hang in there. I hope you continue to feel more secure in this decision. Doubt is the worst feeling ever. It is what keeps my in bad relationships. Wondering if I did enough. Feeling guilty for failing the other person. But, I realize, the only person putting that shame on me is ME. No one else can MAKE me feel guilty or bad or disappointing or less-than. I can look past that. I can know my worth, assign my worth, and support my own worth.

I know this is an older post but some of this I could relate to... maybe I missed how are things now? I was told it takes a portion of the time you were married to recover from a divorce. I do not know if this true or not.

I have been trying to get divorced for sometime. I spent a lot of money with a lawyer who ended up being a criminal (long story) and that experience sent me into a of massive disassociation period where I wasted a lot of time. I really did not know how to recover and hurt someone close to me in the process. Having PTSD really did not help me here as I felt threatened by my wife, the location I have been in and I was very paralyzed. Now I am back on track and i should be divorced soon.

I can relate to the feeling of being sucked into a black whole... during that period I really do not remember much... I understand being with a person who is negative and being treated better by ppl in shorter term relationships. And yet still "missing" that person... i really do not have any advice as I do not have a success story yet to share. But some of things on an emotional lvl I can relate to. I hope you are doing well & in a better space.

I"m relating to u big time, you were submissive she was unsubmissive or he sorry memory problem what is it called domination control over u so u don't know whta to do because u are now in control how long did this last how many years did u feel guilty confused I wouldn't think about getting back with her or him yep co-dependent addicted to being bossed bullyed manipulated I was there too/ sorry hugs and kind words u are a very nice person who does deserve better

Well, could be codependency since you clearly said she didn't meet your needs. No worries, I have codependency too. Such intense grief that my husband wants a divorce even though he had depression and frequent rages at me for no reason. It's a sticky wicket. As for me, I'm going to let him go. It hurts like hell (been married 41 years), but if he doesn't want to be with me, that's it....pure and simple and hard as hell to accept.

What a wonderful story. Thanks for sharing it. I, too, am feeling the enormous grief of a 41-year marriage. My husband had a severe depression 1.5 years ago and began raging at me. Then he asked for a divorce 4 months ago. I feel devastated and like I have lost my best friend. But, part of me knows that it will never work if he doesn't want to be married to him. I am going to let him go, but I have never felt pain like this before. I have joined a gym (good advice, BTW), am planning trips, and am resolved to "keep on living until I feel alive again." The only alternative to that is more hell...I don't want that.

Terrific advice....thanks!

Well said...keep 'em coming!

Oh my gosh! I hope your advice isn't true! My husband of 41 years just told me he was getting a divorce. Will it take me 41 years to recover? Hell no! I have choices here, and I intend to use them. Shake the tree of life, feel some grief, and keep on going. What's the alternative?