Feeling alone

Thank you for your supportive words . It's awful you have gone through a similar situation. I feel for anyone dealing with this hell

Your view that the person you once knew died and was replaced by someone who isn't nice and doesn't care about your feelings . It's like you're talking about my wife.

As for my day...I got up ate breakfast (making sure I keep eating) and saw her and we watched a TV show finale of a series we were watching the last couple months.

It felt so nice watching and discussing the show during the commercials. It was like none of this was happening and we were just enjoying each other's company but it is happening, I just met with my lawyer yesterday to sign some papers. I'm so desperate for interaction with her that this feels like everything is ok in the moment? Is that healthy? Should I stop interacting with her unless absolutely needed ?

Does doing stuff with her keep me from letting go or give me false hopes and keep me from standing up for me ??

Struggling with this one

You don’t have to stop being a good person or caring about your wife.

Unfortunately she has a battle going on in her mind that is confusing her and she can’t tell you what the outcome will be. Sometimes a person struggling will push others away so they themselves don’t get hurt because they are already overwhelmed.

I am sure you are feeling confused and helpless because you genuinely don’t know what to do or how to help her.

Her choosing to drown her symptoms using alcohol only makes things worse.

If she was badly abused and was punished and rejected for having emotional needs, this tends to come out in the ptsd symptoms.

In an earlier post I talked about a ribbon or thread that many traumas are tied to.
If a person through therapy finds the thread it helps a lot in terms of healing.

I say keep being civil and respectful, but don't think that anything has really changed. It's always possible for people to change, but at this point, that would be a long process.

My DH does what I call "good boy mode" where he acts very normal, sometimes after acting like he's not even in his body. It makes me feel like I've lost my mind at times. It now seems a bit like a manipulative part of the cycle. He can be several different people during a 24 hour period. It was DD who said, "eh, just wait a few days and it will change again.". That's like a mantra around here now. If he ever changes, it's going to be proven over a very long term. It's okay to enjoy the moments of calm, but don't fool yourself into thinking something has changed in a deeper way.

I felt the changes in my DH were so significant, I couldn't accept it. I'm a member on another board for people who have loved ones with frontal temporal dementia (ftd). It's a behavioral variant dementia that tends to start earlier than others. It is extremely hard to diagnose because it affects temperament and behaviors long before it affects memory and ability. Somedays I think dh is a covert passive aggressive narcissist who collapsed completely, and somedays I think he has ftd, and somedays I have no idea. For the most part now, I manage interactions with him while trying to prioritize my and dd's mental health and well being. Don't know if I'll ever know, or what will happen between here and the train wreck that has to be coming at some point.

Hope you get your bed built. I can certainly understand feeling so down that your motivation is gone.

So I did it, assembled the bed frame and released the memory foam mattress from it's vacuum packing and watched it puff up,it's amazing how much they pack down to fit in the box. Then I put the new bed set on it. Perhaps I'll try to accept the loss of having her by my side and attempt to sleep on it . It's comfortable but I don't think I'll sleep much tonight on it.

I feel so emotionally drained right now.

Things to look forward to this week
1) home inspection on the new house in a couple days
2) My awesome supportive co workers have encouraged me to come out bowling with them after work .

They know what I'm going through as they saw me get served with divorce papers
This is like the 4th time they have encouraged me to do stuff with them and I'm finally going to not make a BS excuse not to go and just do it . Who knows I might even have a good time.

Good that your friends invited you to go out with them. Actually going bowling is a good idea as doing an activity like that is good for you not only physically but good for your mental health. 🥰

Yeah looking forward to it .
I'm sure she will be convinced I'm out with some other woman based upon history. Hopefully it's friendly when I get home .

Tough night last night.

We were having a decent conversation and she quickly turned it into all the things in her assessment that I had not done . I asked her to explain more about what she was feeling.
The stuff she was saying didn't make sense or sound even close to accurate. Her anxiety spiked and she said no I can not talk about this . She asked me to walk away so I did . I made one more comment, " I wish we could find a way to communicate better in these moments ."

That resulted in her almost yelling at me saying " this is the reason I want a divorce" ...I walked away .

None of it makes any sense, it's like I asked her to share her concerns so I could understand where she was coming from because I care still and instead of trying to communicate she throws up a wall and shuts down . It's our lack of consistent communication that led to our issues .

It felt a lot like she expected me to instantly apologize for anything that she struggles with whether it's true or not and whether it's reality or her perception of it and because I didn't she shifts to anger to try to get me to acknowledge fault .

This is awful....I want my wife back, the one I fell in love with who loved me back . I don't think I will ever get that, I understand this is mostly her PTSD and at the same time this is killing me inside . I hate this evil PTSD so very much and what it has taken from both of us . It's not fair

When you had that conversation had she been drinking?

It’s hard enough conversing when she is struggling with PTSD, when also drunk it’s a waste and you will only get hurt.

I’m sorry, a person can struggle with ptsd so badly that conversations can become ptsd reaction filled.

Yes she had finished her 1st drink about 15 minute's before, it is a commonality when conversations go this way . I hate this so very much, we were supposed to spend our lives together.
3 years ago she gave me so much love and I returned it, it was amazing. I'm so sad and hurt that this is happening , that this awful illness is tearing us apart . That it's so bad that she is choosing ending this . I miss the woman I fell in love with as she is a stranger now who looks just like my wife .
I know her struggle is real . So is mine and having all of this taken away before my eyes while I watch helplessly is so depressing. I am very sad today .

I still haven't slept in the new bed yet ...still clinging to the old bed because it's near her even if we are miles apart. I'll probably start sleeping in it soon . It's just a reminder that it's over.

Focus on the positive....Home inspection Tuesday

My heart goes out to you, sadmanagain. So much of what you write, could have come from my life.

My DH is supposedly not drinking, but he has personality shifts throughout the day that make me suspicious that he might be. He was once so good natured and inexplicably, in very short time, he became volitile and mean. It's like living in the twilight zone. He's had some rare and scary health issues, and is still having problems that remain undiagnosed and is at the point that the doctors are starting to dismiss him. Like you, I feel a lot of compassion for him, but am also fatigued from being an emotional punching bag.

It sucks to feel helpless to fix the relationship. It sucks to feel abandoned and attacked for seemingly no good reason.

(((Hugs)))). You are not alone.

Thank you , it means a lot to me as I am pretty much alone.
Our son doesn't really talk to either of us much of late which I can understand, this must be awful for him .
I have some old friends that I can talk to that live hundreds of miles away and some family also hundreds of miles away.
So in the day to day existence I have no one other then my co workers and certainly no one to hug me and tell me I'll be ok.
Feeling so isolated and empty right now. It's great you guys support me .

I am sorry for both you and your wife as the alone feeling will exist for both of you. I am wondering if the pandemic may have triggered the ptsd to get overwhelming for your wife.

Please know that no one chooses to be crippled by ptsd. It’s an exhausting and frustrating mental illness and those suffering tend to isolate hoping to reduce the crippling symptoms.

I am in a similarly isolated and neglected place. I know how painful it is.

DH's strange and self absorbed behavior slowly chased off pretty much all of our friends over a long period of time, and we don't have much family. (He has some, but they would only be there for him) I'm pretty much on my own emotionally at this point. Sometimes you don't have a lot of other options. Someone on another board suggested embracing being a lone wolf, at least for the time being. Sometimes that works, other times not so much.

There are probably a lot more people like us out there than we can imagine. The loneliness sucks.

I'm here with you in spirit. Hoping and praying for better and changing days ahead for both of us.

Thank you 🫂 back at you . You have no idea how much it means to have support through this .
Joining you in spirit also hoping and praying for better days for both of us .

Home inspection Tomorrow and therapy tomorrow at 7 ... he's going to earn his money for sure as I have a lot to unpack.
You're right there probably are lots of us out there I agree I feel for all of us .

I hear that and I am still sympathetic for her situation but I'm so empty right now inside ...if only she had sympathy for me ...instead I get " I understand how bad this is hurting you but I feel this is what I must do for my mental health"

We were a team for over 30 years and now this just feels incredibly selfish on her part . I would have done anything she asked to help her ..we could. Have tried a separation... accept that she can't be there for me while she heals .

I would have done that gladly as hard as it would be ...anything but this . There were so many to things we could have tried before Divorce. We never did couples therapy or increased the frequency of her therapy as she was only going twice a month . My therapist feels that if you aren't going weekly, you might as well just go golfing it would have an equal effect.
With her issues she definitely needs weekly sessions that she won't be able to afford now .

When I suggested before all this she said we can't afford it ....in the last year 90% of my checks went into the savings account. Money was not the issue .
I told her that no matter what it costs money didn't matter as divorce is more expensive.

Your wife should be working with a trauma therapist. She probably feels no one can help her. Her drinking is not going to help and it only becomes yet another problem.

Sadly, ptsd can get so crippling that a person often neglects how others feel. The main desire is to reduce the crippling symptoms.

She talks to a social worker every other week . This social worker only has a few clients like under 5 and she has a regular full time job as well so social work is secondary job for this person .

Personally I agree she should be talking to an experienced trauma therapist.
Although I am not privy to what happens in her sessions, I often wonder how much benefit she gets from it .
She feels she gets great results from her and has a great rappor with her . To me the state of our marriage suggests otherwise. To me it feels like she has become worse not better.

Last night was more relaxed and she talked a bit about the sincerity of her statements regarding why she is doing this .
I asked her if she could answer me honestly whether her main reason for this was to work on healing her issues or just getting me out of her life .

I told her I am sorry for struggling to believe her words but look at the situation and try to understand why I struggle.

She told me I have already told you this a few times but Yes my primary reason for needing to do this is to focus on me and fixing my issues. I am broken and I need to focus on Me and when you are around I often find myself thinking about you and not my healing.
I am so very sorry this is hurting you, it's hurting me as well I wish you could believe me but I feel I must do this for my mental health.
I get triggered by almost everything lately. It's not fair for you to have to be married to someone like me as broken as I am .

Once I have healed some and can process my triggers better . I would not be opposed to re exploring our relationship but we would need to take baby steps and get to know each other again provided you had not moved on .
You can either choose to believe my words or not but I would think by now you would know I'm not a malicious person looking to hurt you .

She seemed so sincere, I told her I choose to believe you . I told her I am in no hurry and don't plan to move on and will wait a while for her as I feel she is a special person...the type you meet once in a lifetime.
I told her I will use this time to focus on me and that I have always and always will love her . I told her I won't change my phone number or email and when she is ready, she can reach out to me .

Am I am fool for feeling this way and saying those words ? They come from my heart .

Home inspection today at 12

No, you're not a fool. You are a very loving and supportive person.

But don't put your life on hold for something that may or may not happen. Go live your life as you see fit. Maybe go find you and really get to know yourself? You give sadmanagain the kind and gentle treatment he deserves. Figure out what YOU want.

Sending positive vibes your way. Hope they find you in your corner of the universe.

Thank you for the kind words. Perhaps I am not a fool for saying/feeling the way I do . I am a loving and supportive person for sure ...so much so I neglect myself and my needs I think .

What is your opinion of her statements? Those things I posted today are not my interpretation, those were her exact words . Do you think they could be sincere and genuine or do you think it sounds like she's manipulating my loving nature ?

I'm in a place where in very vulnerable to embracing hope and it's so hard to believe she could say what she what she is saying and then do this ?? To me it seems hard to imagine doing this to someone you love or care about .

Home inspection today ...a positive thing to look forward to.

I believe your wife. I think she is being truthful with you.

I think she should keep seeing this social worker that she feels safe with. However, she should also see a trauma specialist and a psychiatrist that has experience treating patients with ptsd.

It would be better if your wife found a medication that helps her manage the ptsd rather then using the alcohol.

Thank you for the kind words. Perhaps I am not a fool for saying/feeling the way I do . I am a loving and supportive person for sure ...so much so I neglect myself and my needs I think .

What is your opinion of her statements? Those things I posted today are not my interpretation, those were her exact words . Do you think they could be sincere and genuine or do you think it sounds like she's manipulating my loving nature ?

I'm in a place where in very vulnerable to embracing hope and it's so hard to believe she could say what she what she is saying and then do this ?? To me it seems hard to imagine doing this to someone you love or care about .

Home inspection today ...a positive thing to look forward to.

I don't know if she means it. Sometimes people say one thing in a particular moment, know what I mean? Like maybe she is really thinking about that now, but she shifts a lot, so who knows what comes next?

It's okay to have hope, but don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Do you think you are codependent? I am. I always thought that was a term for someone who over loved an alcoholic. Turns out it's a term for people who are so focused on someone else that they lose themselves. Apparently this is very easy to fall into that trap if someone you love is sick or disordered.

My DH is one I never thought would get into therapy (his family doesn't believe in it), but when he got to the point of a full blown nervous breakdown, he didn't have much choice. I honestly don't think his counselor does much good. She may actually be doing more harm. He's not real introspective, so I get the feeling that their sessions end up with him just feeling like everything he thinks and feels is affirmed. In the year he's been in counseling, he's had very little growth as a person. If anything, she feeds his belief that he's fine and the problems are with others. They say bad counseling is worse than no counseling. Your situation and mine may eventually prove that.

Big hugs for the day.

Your relationship was not abusive in what you share. Instead it sounds like something triggered her to start experiencing these ptsd symptoms.

Do you know what the trigger was?