eating disorder's daily check in spot

I have been struggling. Have a lot of fear and discomfort due to other MH symptoms and so it's the food I turn to. I'm not full-on bingeing like I used to, and I haven't purged in months, which is what I want to do every time I'm full. It's really hard to live one day (one meal, etc) at a time right now. I feel like I need whatever I need to do to get through this part of my life right now but I also know I've been down this road before and food does not make anything better, seductive though it may be.

I missed dinner tonight. Not really hungry, was more thirsty than anything. Tomorrow is a new day.

I'm not doing great. I am pretty sure I relapsed. I wish I knew why This was so hard.

Still hanging on though all the physical effects are really catching up to me in a not-so good way. I'm scared it's too late (I know it never is, but my body feels that way). I'm working hard though, and hoping one of these days I can just have it be effortless to eat normally and keep it in.

My whole life is NOT normal.....so it makes sense that eating isn't normal either.....I get busy doing things & eating is the last thing on my mind...living alone, there is no one other than my dogs that remind me that they are hungry....& it's easier to fix my dog's dinner than it is to fix my own. I struggle to be good about giving Leo his meds 2 times a day.....but at least it's right there in the bathroom....making food for myself requires stopping what I'm doing & going down stairs & trying to figure out what I'm in the mood for eating in the first place.

I have become so used to not eating that my stomach doesn't tell me it's hungry any more....only once in awhile. I really need to get my life more organized so that I can get my eating more organized.......I wonder if that will ever happen.....it has nothing to do with body image.....but when the weight does come off, it's hard to have any desire to stop it either. Life is a constant challenge

Today I ate more things that have nutrients in them, rather than the junk food I've been eating for awhile now. It felt really good.

I'm so confused about what to eat and not eat, I just wish I could stop eating all together. Feeling very frustrated and depressed today.

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Still struggling with food intake. Everything feels so heavy when I swallow it and it makes me gag. I wish I was more interested in food.

I am doing really well I am going to kick this EDs bottom

Today my office had a potluck. The worst. I always try to ignore and opt out of these. Being told when, where, with whom, and what to eat does NOT constitute a break. It constitutes torture. This kind of crap should not be forced on people. I tried to just continue working but I would have had to make too big of a fuss. I wanted to just burst into tears. Then I wanted to burst into tears becauseI wanted to burst into tears.

Hugs

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I hate today. Why on the days when you're most triggered will people not leave you alone? Sheesh I swear I'm going to kick the next person who asks about food, weight, or diets. Really? I hate that people can't help but point it out and ask for diet advice. I hate that that is okay for other people.

I'm scared that I've fallen too far in.

I tried to explain something about ed's and screwed it up.

You didn't screw it up at all. It is hard to educate people on eating disorders since many of them do not see it as a serious mental illness. I think you did a good job of explaining it

I haven't checked in in quite awhile...haven't really been using the PC forums, just chat.

So...I'm on an upswing after having the flu last week which completely ruined any plans of eating from Tuesday through Friday. It was so bad on Wednesday night that I [involuntarily] vomited after eating plain white rice! I was sort of hungry, but still nauseous, so I thought rice would work...but it didn't. That was upsetting. Even on Friday I was eating baby food (I learned that my stomach can pretty much tolerate tat 100% of the time when meds were making me so nauseous I puked up everything I ate and someone suggested I try baby food). Saturday I still felt a bit off, plus I was re-reading Catching Fire so I basically ate a good breakfast, started reading, and ate a snack while reading (a cut up apple so I only had to use one hand), and then didn't really eat anything else until I went to go see the movie, but there I ate half a bag of medium theater popcorn, a bunch of gummy worms and drank a Pepsi. And from there, things started going up.

I saw my nutritionist today, and she said that I'm doing extremely well So that's a positive!

I did just eat a ridiculously late dinner because when I got home I was so beat that I managed to eat a yogurt and collapse on the couch. And that satisfied me until about 10:30 and then I decided to order food since I don't have anything quick and easy and didn't feel like cooking anyway...and I chowed down and ate 10 chicken wings and a 1/2lb of waffle fries with cheese, and celery, which I wish they didn't charge for now -- they didn't used to!! But I think I needed to make up for all the calories I missed out on last week because I was ultra hungry yesterday too. So obviously Ana has not reared her ugly head today because I enjoyed my food for the most part (the fries were a little cool and soggy), and I in absolutely no way regret finishing it all off!

Eating a lot. Not all out binging, just overeating at every meal and eating snacks in between. I don't like how I feel. I miss how things were going in the spring and early summer. I feel robbed. I feel like everything is so far out of reach for me. I'm heading into school and I just want to enjoy myself instead of dealing with this stupid ****ing disorder.

I've completely fell off course with my ED recovery. It's been resurfacing in different ways and to a point where it just seems hopeless to fight it anymore.

Why bother?

I haven't been to my support group and my T wants me to go inpatient. I'm so tired and overwhelmed,I struggle with wanting it gone and being angry that people want to separate me from it....feels like I'm hopeless right now!!

I've been trying to eat more, but it's hard. Money is tight so something in my mind is making me think that it's okay not to eat because it saves money. I've been eating more vegetables since they're cheap and low calories.

Been eating well, but feel really fat. Going to see my dietician in a few and really don't want to. Been thinking about purging, but don't think I can do it. I think I am going to start restricting again just so I can get below my safe number. I hate my life and my body.

I was doing well.

Finding it hard to care anymore. Considering if I faded away I don't think anyone would notice.

I told my T more today than I ever have about my ED. I am now really worried she will tell my GP as she has a 'duty of care'? But I am ok. I just wish I hadn't told her. I don't feel ready to change although I have posted on here about my habit and I understand it is dangerous. Still couldn't stop doing it again tonight. Restricting too but still doing it. What is really going on? I need help but I don't want to go public yet. What will my H say? He will be furious.

Had dinner and some snacks this evening at a party. Just didn't feel hungry today.

Had not checked in or been around in a while, but wanted to say I'm okay.

We are looking into buying a different house and moving. Sold our business. Tired of this town. Just wanting a fresh start. It is depressing here. It kind of sucks because we have our house so nice, and I'm sure when we sell we will take a hit, but I don't care anymore.

Last summer, I went through a period where I was hardly eating. This has been a recurring thing in my life during high stress times. It is less about being thin than being in control. I am never the right weight, anyway. I am either overweight, or skinny. Due to being fairly tall and large framed, I am able to carry extra weight, as well as disguise thinness by wearing heavier clothes. I don't particularly care to look thin, even I know it's not attractive looking. When I'm fat or skinny, I avoid mirrors. One thing about thinness I like is the FEEL of my bones. My collarbone, my ribs, my hipbones. I like how they feel hard and how when I'm thin, my skin seems tight across them. I like when I lie down, and this sounds really gross and I'll probably never admit it again, but I like the way my stomach is sunken in, with my hips and ribs sticking out.

I don't lose much weight anymore, even when I eat very little. My metabolism is probably messed up, and really, I'm not supposed to be small, thin, and delicate. I'm big. I have big feet. I'm tall. I have wide hips and big boobs. I'm built to be a farmer's wife, to take care of babies and cook big meals, and help fix fence and work cattle. I'm not supposed to be a ballerina, and I never will be.

I think one thing I get off on, that makes me feel powerful and controlled when I restrict my eating, is trying to ignore my hunger pangs. I am terribly hungry when I restrict my eating. I avoid the sight and smell of food. I hate when my stomach growls to where you can hear it. My husband always yells at me to eat then. But when I am in that mindset, I secretly love my hunger, even though it hurts. I feel sharp, intense, and alive. To be starving but able to ignore it and act like everything is fine, is somehow rewarding. I feel strong, and like I have a secret no one knows. It's weird and I don't understand it, but it always comes to that.

I'm doing SO much better the last couple months, really, I am. It's hard to eat normally, I feel afraid and like something bad will happen, but the last few months, I've ate fairly normally. I can think better. I feel better when I eat meat, milk, and vegetables. I don't hurt as much. One thing I've learned is, if I start feeling hungry, to not go too long, because if I do, it seems to make me want to stop eating.

Be well! I hope all of you are well. Much love and (((((((hugs))))))

I am becoming more aware how my psychosis and starvation symptoms intertwine at times,,...but then again I fail to see how this is useful information at all.
I realized I was sniping at a thin woman at my work out of competitiveness, but since realizing it I've stopped. (Trying to end this post on something positive)