eating disorder's daily check in spot

Not a good day. Had a pb&j sandwich for dinner.

First post other than an intro..

Really struggling. Never officially diagnosed with an ED because I was never straight-forward with my T while I was still seeing one. Never got help as a result. Thought I was past all of this. :[ Last time I was this fixated on my weight was when I was pregnant. No one knows I'm dealing with this on top of mood disorder stuff. I hate feeling like this, but I hate the solution even more.

It's been awhile since I checked in...

I was doing really great for awhile, but in the past week or so, I have fallen off the tracks and have been severely restricting. The only good thing I can say is that it isn't because my ED has gotten worse, it's because I have been incredibly anxious and depressed and I tend to not eat during times like these, so I'm not doing it on purpose. Unfortunately, this was sparked by an event that caused my PTSD to resurface, but I'm working with my T and pdoc to get this all under control so hopefully I'll be back on track soon. But that is one thing that sucks about an ED. It's so easy to fall back into old habits when something else comes up...

At least I'm not weight conscious anymore. My scale has been stored under my bathroom sink for over a month now, other than when I wanted to see if I had lost weight after having the flu and not being able to eat for 3 full days, and that was because I was actually concerned about my health, not actually the weight itself.

I really haven't been doing too great. It's partially the chemotherapy, partially me giving up on ever leading a normal, healthy, enjoyable life. I haven't been restricting like I was, I just simply don't eat and have no appetite. I ate dinner last night and got so sick that I am just frustrated with even trying to stick to the meal plan given to me. What is the point?

I have lost weight but my face is blown up like a balloon. I constantly look puffy and bloated and it's just so god damn frustrating. I hate chemo.

I have successfully made the argument for meal replacements as food. Part of me is gleeful while part of me weeps. Don't know. That's all.

My boyfriend now cooks dinner and prepares my meals for work. It relieves a lot of stress because now I don't have to be obligated to make food and he likes the food he makes so I can give him my uneaten portions. I have been eating more when I'm with him, but I still don't eat well when I am alone. My trunk is full of food that my boyfriend has made and I feel so shameful that I am wasting his money. I have to clean out my trunk soon because I don't want him to notice. :/

http://forums.psychcentral.com/eatin...ml#post3466663

Today is going great so far! I ate breakfast (granola w/almonds and milk and peaches), and for lunch I'm having broccoli and cauliflower, rice, and chili made with beans and veggie burger.

I am not a good person to be in charge of food. I am not 100 percent certain if I really get put in that position all the time or if I put myself in that position all the time.

Hate it when things go in Ana's favor. Had a pb&j for lunch and some gingersnaps and twizzlers for a snack and that is it. Therapy did not go well for me today.

Not going well. For how happy I am I can't seem to want to eat.

My ex's mom came over to visit my daughter today. She's been battling depression and has lost a lot of weight since I last saw her and I couldn't help but notice she looks so tiny and thin, and I wanted so bad to be that small.
I was in the bath the other night and was trying to shave and found it very difficult with the weight I've gained in the last year. I feel like a whale. I am thinking about dieting again but feel like I'm just gonna fail.

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I am in an eat/don't eat cycle. I am still getting nauseous after eating which makes me not want to eat. I see myself in the shower and hate it, and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to lose weight. I just want to be at or just under my safe number. Why can't I be?

I wish people would (not in this forum - in this forum it is correct and appropriate ! ) stop commenting on what I am eating, on what they are eating on what they think I weigh, on what thry weigh, on what size everyone is, on what they think is "right." Just shut up. It is not your business. No one should care that much!!! And I am the supposedly sick one?? Doubtful.

Eh. Still restricting most of the day but I am really hungry so I am hoping I can find something for dinner.

Every once in awhile I do know that
"this is a doomed endeaver, you know," (quote from my own head) "it doesn't work, you know it doesn't. It would be silly if it weren't so serious."
But even though I hear her, it doesn't matter. She's just a little gnat.

Haven't been eating well these last few days. I think it is due to stress and the BIG decision I have to make about therapy. I know that I need to eat better to be better equipped to make the decision, and at the same time I just can't.

I am getting back on track, it seems. Ate lunch/dinner on christmas eve. Tonight, I ate in public for the first time in almost a year, and I didn't panic too much at all.

I'm struggling right now....my pain specialist closed his practice & now I have to find a new pain specialist...the medication I've been on since 2003 is at a high dose....but it's been working wonderfully & I have no migrine headaches when I'm not under stress.....I have enough patches to make it to the end of Feb......but the first pain specialist I saw last week refused to prescribe the medication dose I'm on (he afraid of his licence I"m sure.....& being investigated.....but I've been going to the one that closed for 6 years & never caused him any investigation......I handle the dose of medication as if it were a much lower dose.....but this stress in getting to me & I don't feel like eating.....& the migraines are hitting almost constantly.....I am pushing the patches longer than the 72 hours to try & make it last longer if I have to continue looking for a new pain specialist after I see another one on Jan 15.......I am so stressed & have anxiety attacks, sick to my stomach & migraines which my med really does counter when I'm not so stressed. I just want to curl up in a ball & disappear & not deal with this.....there are other issues that this causes dealing with insurance issues & medicare & part D vs patient assistance coverage & I'm so messed up, my world feels like it's whirling in a huge tornado & I can't focus on anything....& eating is the last thing I care about doing even though I know I need the nutrition to function & to make reasonable decisions.......I am so angry, frustrated.....& every other negative emotion I can think of.

I bought 3 pieces of lamb for Christmas dinner because I knew I would be having Christmas alone with my eskies.......well, I finaly cooked them Saturday morning for breakfast......they were wonderful tasting I did them with shitaki mushrooms in a balsamic reduction........I savored all 3 of them for about an hour or enjoying the flavor......I seriously needed to take a break from all this stress that I"m dealing with.....I haven't even bothered to deal with all the other stressful things in my life right now.....I can only deal with very little at a time & this is HUGE!!!!

I have been genuinely unable to eat much because I've been sick. Its been the perfect excuse to get further setback.

I am having better insight but it is not translating into better eating.

I am struggling with my ed thoughts and my real thoughts,my depression is getting deep and I just want to indulge in my negative behaviors to cope

Haven't been hungry lately. Have to force myself to eat something. Getting enough fluids down is hard too. I'm not going to let Ana take ahold of me again.

I have been doing well, I think. I think me being in the process of moving out has kept me on track with my meal plan and supplements and I am feeling far more awake and aware.

I have had no appetite, but have been massively thirsty. I've been drinking water until i feel sick and hugely bloated. Then i still feel thirsty! I don't know why this would be?

Been doing good. Saw my dietician last week and my weight is stable. It has been almost 2 yrs since I was diagnosed. I still have the occasional thoughts about wanting to restrict, but I am able to manage them.