eating disorder's daily check in spot

I'm sick of the weight gain. And ended up joining a gym today. I know I shouldn't have but I'm tired of being fat.

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I wish I had the money to join a gym. I feel so fat and ugly right now. I only had lunch today and went back for seconds on the homemade mac and cheese. I shouldn't have done that.

Ate three meals and multiple snacks. This is supposed to be a good thing, but all I feel is gross and guilty. Scale says I didn't gain too much from being at this wedding and all related festivities. Thing is, I need that number going down. Time to step up my game. Which means the fight still rages... pro-recovery or pro-relapse. BUT... avoided purging. I did that each of the last 3 days, so grateful to break that cycle.

Coach's Mind Eye: Ugh....Do I really have to? Yes, pick one.

You don't need a gym. Scroll to the bottom of the posts there are workouts you can do at home.

Coach's Mind Eye: "Whether you are a size 2 or a size 24"

Here are some simple changes you can try in your diet to be healthier.

The roommate has been monitoring my portion sizes to make sure I don't backslide. Gained a little weight in the past couple weeks, hope I can keep it up.

I haven't ate since 6pm yesterday. Have no desire to eat at all. Nothing sounds appetizing so I don't fix anything. All I want to do is sleep. Found out that my daughter weighs more than I do and it doesn't bother me. In fact it makes me happy. How wrong is that?

Trying to keep up with my meal plans. I am not doing perfectly, but I am trying. So I guess that's enough? I don't know.

Managed to get away with eating 1/2 what I said I would tonight. I'm figuring out how to game the system and it's not good. Not even sure what my motivations are, I'm pretty sure I want to recover.

I broke my rule of not eating after dinner and had a pumpkin bar with cream cheese icing. Other than that and a small bowl of chicken spaghetti that is all I've had to eat since yesterday. If my parents weren't here, I am sure I would have not ate anything today.

Really struggling today. My roommate is triggering me, I'm feeling stressed about other things, and having flashbacks to this time last year, and it's all making me want to starve myself again.

I need to find my reason to fight back again. And quickly.

My reason is sitting not two feet from me and it's still hard... *hugs*

I god damn hate Halloween this is a nightmare.

Ate way too much at lunch and now feel grosser than before. I feel it in my throat, like it can't all fit in my stomach. I had to go with my parents, if I didn't they would question me. They can't know that I haven't been eating 'normally' again. It is the only thing I am going to eat today. I've been getting super dizzy when I stand up too. Called my dr. and she said to take Dramamine and drink lots of water. Me drink lots of water? lol I might drink a bottle of water a day and that is a good day. I feel so sick.

Just heard through the grapevine that my friend N has been talking about how she "can't deal" with my ana. I had asked for help/support from her and she said she wanted to be supportive but she's been pretty distant and I feel like she doesn't respond to my talking about what's going on unless I sugar coat it. But apparently the minimal attention she's paid it so far is "too much" for her. She's done this when I've had crises before, kind of the quintessential fair weather friend I guess, too bad it's always storming where I am...

This also means that several more people know about my ed than I realized, though I suppose I don't expect her to keep secrets from her girlfriend at least...

theinvisigoth - it's hard when people you thought you could count on turn their back on you, even harder when you reach out and that person isn't quite there. I really struggle with letting people in for that exact reason. Always afraid I'll be "too much" if you know what I mean. I'm happy to listen if you need a friend.

In the ambivalence place today. Ate more than I wanted to yesterday, but my weight is down. Thankful and concerned. Not sure how it will compare from 2 weeks ago when I see my nutritionist today. I want to be happy, healthy and free from this. I also want to be smaller. These two things cannot go hand in hand. At some point I need to make a choice. Fight the eating disorder or give in. For today, ambivalence is winning.

Not proud, but I purged tonight. Partly ED, and partly because my antibiotic was making me feel super nauseous. But I think mostly because I felt fat and had to "get rid" of the pizza I ate I've never successfully purged before though, so that's how I know the antibiotic had some role in it all. Ugh. I hate this.

I hate cold weather......for the first time in a LONG time my stomach actually growled at me.....where did that come from????......cold weather & I don't heat my house much because I can't afford the electric bills when they get too high. But my body needs more energy to stay warm & there isn't anything there to burn for keeping me warm.....I am always cold even in the middle of the summer. Been trying to eat as healthy as possible.

Have gathered wild persimmons & mashed 7 pounds of pulp on Monday so now I have cookies to bake for gifts & going to try a persimmon pudding. I made the cookies a few weeks ago......they were the best cookies I have ever had & everyone that tried them loved them......the joys of country living.....also made freezer jam out of 3 cups that I gathered last month.

It's fun to cook these things.....just try not to eat that much.....I refuse to gain during the holidays but still want to enjoy the get togethers we all have.....active in so many groups, it's not easy as there are more parties to go to than just one group.....but wonderful friends....so I enjoy & just eat less when I have to cook my own food.

Staying on board as much as I can,even though the feelings emerge sporadically,trying to stay away from the scale especially when I have a life growing inside of me

Better day today. Not wonderful, but better. Ate breakfast, lunch, a snack, and dinner -- small servings mostly, but hey, you can't have it all.

I really need to stop eating, or lack there of, like I am. I ate dinner tonight as I do most nights and that is it. I wasn't even hungry all day. I was planning on eating, just had no energy to fix anything so I slept. I need to eat 'right' because I am looking for a job as a CNA and that takes a lot of energy. I can't seem to get over how much I weigh or how my clothes are fitting.

I have had so many pancakes today. Gained a few pounds towards my weight goal, trying to just let myself eat whenever I'm hungry instead of waiting for the scheduled mealtimes, keeping snacks near me to facilitate that.

I woke up super hungry though and it made me not want to get out of bed because then I would have to eat something and it would go away... but I had breakfast anyway.

Bought 2 more "fat" shirts today. Well, 3, but one turned out to be different than I thought so it doesn't count. Only paid $10 for all of them though, so it's not a big deal. I'm struggling a lot. I've gained about 10lbs in the past 2 months and I knew I probably would because I went back on Zyprexa which made me gain about 35lbs in 2 months, and said I would rather take that chance than get a tremor again...but now that I'm here, I don't like it at all, even though I know some of the gain is muscle because I've been working out intensely for the past month/month and a half...but I'm getting my stomach again, and that is horrible

I wish there was a way for me to get away with not eating when my parents are around. I can't let them know that I have relapsed and need the extra help of professionals again. I've started wearing baggy shirts to hid myself, of course with it being colder out this is easier to do. I can't seem to find anyone who takes my insurance. I can't keep doing this yet I can't manage to stop.