[tracy33]

According to my therapist, I am anorexic. I guess I am finally starting to beleive her, although I think I can stop when I want to, after a few more pounds. I haven't been this way for too long. She has threatened to go to my pdoc , who I see in 4 weeks, and tell her about me and my "rapid" weight loss. She mentioned she may take me off of of Topamax, which caused me to lose weight. She thinks that is what caused my ED. Topamax was prescibed for my bipolar and has been almost a miracle drug for me. Also, I'm scared to death that if I go off it, I'll gain weight. That will kill me!
My therapist doesn't seem to understand that I've been on the Slimfast diet since last August and that's why I've been losing weight, although it has come to me totally restricting food.
I have to think of a way to convince my pdoc that I need to stay on Topamax. I'm thinking of taking her pictures of me in the past where I was thin to show her that I am a thin girl normally. Being fat was just a temporary thing from all the psyche meds. ( I lost 70 pounds.)
Do you think if it comes to it, I'll just quit my therapist because I'm mad, and find a new pdoc, and do you think that a new pdoc will prescibe Topamax if he/she knows my background of an ED?
I lied to my therapist last week and told her I"ve been eating healthy for 2 weeks. I'm thinking of blowing off her appointment next week (which I've never done) because I'm upset with her and because I don't want her to notice that I've lost more weight.
I'm so confused. I just don't want to get fat! 5 more pounds and that's it. I'm done.
By the way, My BMI is Healthy so I am not underweight by far.
I apologize for the long post, just needed to vent.

[Direction]

I don't think the drug itself will cause an eating disorder - it just has a side effect of causing you to loose weight.

"I think I can stop when I want to, after a few more pounds"...you may want to reread your comment. When you reach those five more pounds will you say the same thing?

New pdoc needs to know and you need to be honest with your therapist...

Eating disorders go much deeper than just food and tossing BP on with it really means you shouldn't be lying to current ones or new ones (T's & pdoc's).

Don't you think?

[razeljenny]

Tracy33, first off don't listen to her. Second off she can't intimadate you. Do not allow this woman to do it.

It is your body. I understand that we need and should ask for assistance for the mental illnesses we are sick with but the personal decision about ones pounds and weight and prefered size is not theirs to control or influence the mental health consumer. Be aware that this is ilegal and it too is against civil liberties. The right to be the nationality you are, the sex preference you are, and the size you want to be is yours and my right as a United States citizen and in the UK it is the same, for your information.

Be polite, but don't allow it.

Robin

I went through exactly the same situation February. I began exercising, and eating special food and lost seventy pounds which was done in a year. The same exact thing was my situation. I am fine, ,my health and stability is just fine. I am at the weight, for my body chart and was not healthy and was not "well," when at my average weight for seven years total which was a steady average weight of two-hundred twenty pounds. I was discriminated against after getting to healthy size and threatened even to be send to Lourdes Mental Hospital, because they compared me to anerexic, which was not remotely close to any truth about "Me"

[selfy]

when you say " i will stop after i lose a few more pounds" i wonder,,, coz i know that many people i know have said that... and said that after they lost those few pounds... and kept going. the best thing to do is to eat enough and properly. that way you will stay the weight youare ment to be
take care
self

[razeljenny]

One more thing is I agree with NoMoreSelfharm on the above post. Generally she is so true. I too am now healthy medical charts weight. I am still picked on though by my Pdoc, which thinks bigger boned gals should not be on the lower side of the chart, but again, the choice IS MY CHOICE.

I am eating right. I am measuring out the foods, staying away from hydrogenated oils, fatted cheeses, and very much wheat starches, and measuring my starch intakes, even though the heart will suffer injury from complete starch restriction. One has to have starch each day but may eat little to make the daily requirement.

Have confidence. Take care of yourself with your logical mind. You are allow to use your expressive and feeling mind also. Just use a balance of your mind. Love you all. E.D. is not fun, but it is not too late, no it is not. your friend, robin

[Direction]

Razel - did you catch the comment about "totally restricting food" Your situation doesn't seem to be the same - you indicated you are "eating right"...on the other hand Tracy is not according to her first post.

Tracy - It is true that it is your body and you can choose what to put in it or not in it...Don't you think though you are walking a fine line right now? Just be careful - the words you use concern me.

[tracy33]

Yes, I agree I am walking a fine line right now. However, I agree with Razel that it is my own body. And I agree with how she said I shouldn't really listen to my therapist. I do think that my therapist is jumping the gun ( i think that's the right expression) a bit, she thought I had en ED months ago when I really did not. I think that her bringing the idea up, put it in my head and gave me the idea that maybe it would be cool to have an ED.
I do see myself getting thinner and I know I said just 5 more pounds. I think if I say that after those 5 pounds, I know then I will have a big problem.
My problem is, I do not want help beacause I do not want to gain any weight.
Don't they (doctors and nutrionists) make you gain weight?
I'm very happy at a size 2. I'll even take a 4. But from what I hear when you get help you gain alot of weight.

[Direction]

I'm only here to warn individuals about this fine line - it consumed my ex and she is still battling (which I am grateful for). Meaning I'm glad she is still seeking help - we have 3 children and they need us to be as healthy as possible...

It is possible that mentioning the word eating disorder could trigger you into one; however, if you compare that to asking some one if they are "S" experts claim that it doesn't put the idea in their head.

Anyway - Eating disorders are really not about the food itself - though on the outside to everyone else it does. If it is a coping strategy used to control something, then the line gets finer...

[Raindrizzle]

haha, thank you direction for clearing that up. I didn't mean to offend if I did. But thanks again.

[Direction]

No offense - I do not wish anyone to have to struggle with an eating disorder...that is why I am so vocal on this forum...

[tracy33]

I want to thank you all for replying.
I feel like crying lately because it's gotten to the point that I don't even have an appetite anymore and I'm getting scared. I just ate 2 of my daughter's chicken nuggets and it made my stomache full. I know I need to eat more and I was planning on it, but I just don't feel like it. I guess I'll really have to force myself.

All I think about is this damn disorder. And no one else seems to notice or care. My husband is aware I am anorexic, but is happy with my appearance and says nothing about me not eating.
I'm waiting to hear comments from family members about how thin I'm getting, but I'm not hearing it.
Guess I want attention.

There are some people that will ignore a person with an ED, some that will blame a person with an ED, some that will be consumed with the other person's ED.. also you most likely will not get the type of attention that you are seeking - at least not by having an ED. Any attention would be of the negative sort anyway.

It is my opinion that people without an ED, truely do not understand ED's... they attempt to perhaps but they don't.

Bottom line - it is your body... you must be the one to maintain it.. to keep it healthy. It is your responsibility to stop the ED... eating small amounts at frequent timeframes will help.

I would question a husband that would "like" the apperance of a person that is aneroxic... That would be a major red flag for me.

I hope that I have not offended you...

It is my desire to help not hurt...

[tracy33]

No, you didn't offend me. Thanks for the reply.
I think I'll take your advise and try eating a few small meals.

[Raindrizzle]

Yes, and I am very appreciative of your activity on this site, it's probably helped more people than you know.

[razeljenny]

I am proud of you for affirming taking care of your health by eating meals at appropriate times each day weather or not you are hungry or not for the sake of being a well person.

It is of concern when I am going to the low end of the size weight chart, which I have done. I prefer to be at the weight that is on the chart because I can trust it more than my own viewpoints. Just as I use the minimun daily requirements that are printed, I do use it.

It is great to be the claimed health benificial weight that is published. When I notice myself getting off of that criteria it is a red light for me to begin again to refocus and start again a different genre in the weeks ahead. There is something uncomfortable about eating to me weather I am over consuming in degrees of three or four plates at one sitting or hardly consuming a plate. I just wish to not die from this. For me it is not ever going to look comfortable and for the rest of my life, I will think about it.

I weight one-hundred sixty pounds, and stil complain, yet I don't wish to again have heart palpatations, fainting spells, trouble speaking, bowel accidents, and be causing my brain to go into more mania even though I am taking the Lamictal, but restricting so much that the treatment doesn't work and purging so often that the system won't process the bi0-polor treatments.

Love, Robin

Weight is just a useless number and size on clothing is a useless number. Numbers can be used for things like money, things like birthdays, blood pressure analysis, speed of a car, years at college, and work, and many useful things. I do not appreciate looking at scales to make decisions about how I might allow food to eat, because numbers don't have anything to do with being healthy by eating the small amounts it takes to stay alive and look ok.
When I see a reflection in a mirror it is not the real person it is an immage. When I look at someone standing in front of me, I do not notice what they wear, how tall they really are, or care too much about them appearance wise; I am focusing on weather they are my friend or not, if they interest me etc. Other people see me in a good way mostly, so I want to do that with myself also and quit beating myself as much. I am more critical to me than I should be and most people need to know that that is true of most of the population. Love Robin

The journey is a challenge, but stability, beauty of self, respect for self, and kindness are important. Images are only superficial, yet we ought to boost our own and that takes creativity which involves many diciplines-mind control, body control, and love and forgiveness.

I wanted ti be put on Topamax since I've gianed 50 lbs. on Abilify, but my pdoc said Topamax can cause memory problems (already have that on Abilify), but that the memory problems could be worse as well as "foggy thinking."

I just don't want to risk getting a worse memory so I will have to address the weight gain...but having difficulty with it.--Suzy

fyi... I should clarify my statements... "people who do not understand eating..... " in my earlier post.

my best friend and my son do not understand that there is an underlying reason for an eating disorder.. and they are so angry with me because I don't just "stop". Their anger leds them to say things that hurt me very much.

Please forgive me for not being clear... I can see now that my statements are hurtful to people on the the board w/o an eating disorder that help in this forum... the help is greatly appreciated..

I am very sorry...and hope that I will be forgiven..

Sincerely, freewill

[Direction]

Having not suffered from an Eating Disorder - I'm not sure I can truly understand it...so your comment was not offensive to me...and no forgiveness is needed...

I post in this forum as I have had my life greatly effected by someone who had suffered from eating disorders. I hope that something I post will help someone with the struggle of peeling back all the layers of this very elusive issue...

[louloubelle]

I just want to say that it is possible to lose weight without the topamax. I know hopw easy it is to get addicted to something when you are terrified you'll put the weight back on. I've been addicted to laxitives for about 4 years or more and recently stopped taking them. It was a big thing for me, as I'd panic if I didn't have any. I have had weight issues since I was 17 (I am now 28) when I was starving myself. My weight has fluctuated alot since then.
I'm like you though. I set a goal weight for myself, and now I have reached it I just want to lose more, which I probably shouldn't since I am only 112 pounds. If you are that worried about coming off Topamax I'd say come off it. I decided to get healthy about my weight loss when I ballooned up again, and joined a gym. Perhaps i got a little obsessive with it, but I would rather be obsessive about that than taking a drug. Its always your choice as its your body, so think about what you really want in the long run. I think your therapist is a moron. If she knows you have a problem then threatening to take your drug away is a very stupid and risky thing to do. Go with how you feel on this one if <font color="pink"> </font> <font color="black"> </font> you are not an unhealthy weight.

[Direction]

Louloubelle - welcome to PC! Glad you were able to stop the more harmful ways to rid calories. For the gym - work with a trainer - they can help make sure you are not over doing it...and set up a plan that will work for you...as well as teach the proper techniques...

The resetting of the goal weight is always something to be mindful of...fine line...

[mariah]

hello there: i think that your plan about the gym is a very helpful one that i plan on using thank you....

[mariah]

louloubelle : i totally see where your coming from.... i also struggle with my body image for about three years. instead of laxatives i turned to bulimia. and i know how it feels to be addicted to somehting and panacing when you cant take your pills, but for me i would panic when i was at a place where i was unable to purge at.
i just wanted to write you and thinks its so awesome that you wanted to lead a healthier life style by going to the gym. because i know how hard it is to stop an addiction.

[louloubelle]

Thanks for your kind words. I just wanted to express that you can be happy with how you look and feel without the need to take pills or purge (which I have done too), and I have seen my sister suffer with bulemia also. It's hard work eating right and working out, but that is how alot of beautiful women do it and are healthier for it. Sometimes its about self punishment though. When I get emotionally upset, I'll stop eating for days at a time. I think in a way maybe I am trying to punish myself, or try and gain control over something when it feels like I am losing control over everything else.
Last year I put on ALOT of weight. I felt so digusted with myself. I wouldn't underss infront of my husband and hated looking in the mirror. So I pushed myself to work out and eat right and quit smoking. and I really wanted to share with you all that you can do it and feel good about yourself. I lost 27 pounds and I was so proud of myself, and although I never seem to be fully satisfied with how I look I know that I am a healthy normal woman. Every woman thinks she could be skinnier right? I still obsess a bit over food, but I am trying to get better about it.

[mariah]

honestly that made me feel better abotu myself. in a way i kinda know where your coming from about gaining weight. going to college i was about 120 and yea i never thought i was fat but for some reason i loved purging it made me feel empty. but when i went off to college i lived a whole different life style. i started to drink way to much, eat out all the time. then i started to notice i gained like 8 punds my first semester. and i was purging too. but i never lost my weight even thoughi was purging alot. i started to take over my life and i didnt get my menstral period for about 8 months. then when i went back 2 semester i was so determined on loosing weight the right way that i started to spend hours at the gym and i still do. im only about 2 punds away from my goal. so i totally understand how it feels to loose weight the right way its amazing. but for some reason everytime after dinner i begin to become week and start to purge and start the cycyle all over again. and then ill be a little depressed that i allowed myself to fall for the trap. its just hard because i know its a mind game. sorry i just rambled on to you my life story. but you made me feel comftorable cuz i know you have beeen through it and at times i jsut need to talk to someone who understands instead of judging me. thank you.

[louloubelle]

Purging is terribly addictive. I did it for a while and it got to the point where I would literally feel like I was going to vomit after I'd eaten, even without going to the bathroom to do it. It was hard and for a few days I just had to fight the urge. I would go to bed feeling sick and really want to purge as it felt like it would happen anyway, and I really had to fight to keep that feeling down. I found just going to bed and trying to fall asleep helped. I only ate once a day late at night anyway, so that helped. But you CAN do it. It's another form of control, only this time YOU choose to be in charge of it YOU take control. It is hard but only you can make the choice, and it IS a choice. You CAN do this, and you will. Eating right and exercising will make you lose the weight quicker. When you purge your body goes in to starvation mode and then any food that enters the body gets stored in fat. As long as you have a healthy work out regime and good eating patterns don't feel that you will put on weight if you stop. It will be so much better for you. I have faith you can do it. You are almost there and doing SO well. Imagine how great you will feel when you quit!!