Eating Disorder..Not a Problem

wow...take good care...

(((((it is okay for people to know the intense self hatred and the rages)))

(((I am one of those you write about who loves and cares)))

(((to finally being real)))

love junerain

PM me if you want

Thinking of you

How do I close this thread. I want to post it in the eating disorders forum?

My husband and I are here to connect with others going through what we are. Lots of good reading on this site which helps alot! Interesting Sanity test too which is a nice tool to learn about yourself.

I am sure we will find others on here that can share with us

Your wish is our command....

BTW...excellent use of language to relate an idea...

Lenny

Hi Clinicallyclueless,

its amazing how a poem or a drawing will speack the truth , and your poem has touched the truthes I have come to know that surround an ED . Many are very common in other substance abuse disorders .

from your poem.

You got that in this group Clueless.

something thats comming back to me after reading a few posts here and responding to Junerains image post as it relates to the harsh demanding rejecting messages that run though our minds before after or durring the struggle with food is

that we take on the persona of the abuser .To make this simpler we take on others opinions of us and how that just doesn't sit quite right for them.

It starts with having parents that are just not supportive or absent in what ever way, depression , over working , focusing on a husband or wife who has some other mental emotion difficulty . The mother who passed on her mothers negative comments on to us . The self loathig was inserted by others . It was not our doing .

In short there was just no one in our corner when we needed it. To aknowledge our uniqueness our separateness and help us embrace the self that is soley ours not to be a clone of the parent and not to be a clone of anyone else. Instead we got a plethra of mixed messages and negative projections from others and we took them on because we were searching to find ourselves, what we found was some cruel rejecting mioors , too many and not enough loving ones. And no one to defect those maybe more to encourage the negative ones of others. How cruel , how sad.

so food becomes the processor the comforter of these "others" becuse we don't have a good friend. Its our way of trying to control the implanted messages we are so freely given . People say they "know us " so easily . They do not. It is our job now to find that positive part that was not mirrored back or was mirrored back in a distorted way. . And each of us has to find our own way around food based on how our bodies and brains are wired . Thats my opinion.

It has been my tendencey to gravitate toward those who are rejecting , or thier bar for how I should act or think inorder to be accepted by them is very very high. It just fits the messages we have been given . that no matter who we are no matter what we do no matter how thin, beautiful, smart, We will just not get the love from "THEM" the nurturance. they give to others but withold from us.

I have to take resposibility for the people I choose to have in my life that nurture this "Im not good enough"

Its unfortunate because of what I have already done to myself and my struggles I still believe Im not good enough so I isolate myself from others . maybe because im still finding the wrong friends.

I guess this is enough for now.

Patricia

((((((((CC))))))))))

Hi Clueless,

found this while bumping some oldies but goodies.

I didn't remember you from this . I sorta stay in the moment. on here.

Your courageous comming out as you have. I 'm from the old school of

OA (over eaters anonymous) . like AA our , my anonimity is very important .

Every time I share with others It comes around to harm me.

I now equate exposure of my ed in the category of self harm.

You are brave. And its wonderful you are helping so many.

Patricia~

Thank you Sannah and Auroralso.

That poem was a hard thing to really look at. Funny thing is that I wrote it before my psychiatric hospitalization for major depression in January/February. I've know my therapist for more than 20 years and he continued to see me in the hospital. You can't get away with much after that many years.

First off this has been an on again off again topic of discussion. Usually, I become defensive and generally tell him emphatically that I have never met the criteria for anorexia. His response, "you made damn sure you had control over that." (Well, he was right).

However, in the hospital, he had a different approach. He said, the h*ll with the DSM, you are anorexic. With that I started crying and actually talking about it. Deep down, I knew I was which is why I was testing the waters here with it.

Well, since the hospital, I am now quite over weight due to medications and a health problem. I am 55 pounds over my lowest and 40 over what is comfortable to me, but I have to take the medication. It is freaking me out, my clothes don't fit and I just feel so out of control over my body. The usual way to lose weight is not working and neither is watching what I eat...it is the meds which I know are working.

I just feel bad and want to cry when I see my body. I hate it and me.

I'm glad that you bumped into this. I felt like I was giving a 12 step talk. Thank you for calling me brave. I know that ED falls under self injury, but I don't want to put it there...denial is okay for now...not ready. However, in therapy, I'm dealing with how everything I think, feel and do revoles around my self-hatred...tough work.

I keep forgetting, I love the picture. Thank you!!!

Hi CC,

Sounds like you've been through quite a bit lately. My appologies for my confusion. Were you anorexic at one time long ago?

from what you wrote and Im assumng thats a video of you maybe Im wrong . I got the sense you were just a binge eater all your life. Always over weight.

I didn't ever hate my body . CC. I wanted to look nice . but I didn't have hatred toword my body . I wanted to achieve a slimmer look . I felt horrible I was a slave to the eating. I just wanted the need to over eat to stop.

I never did starve . I was way to well over fed . I was down to 112 for a month maybe then around 125 to 130 . for a few years and just naturally went up in weight over the years . I guess by the nature of Bulimia the way I had it there was a feeling of satisfaction that was gotten rid off. and the hunger was subdued by the purging. I was trapped in the cycle . the shame is in having others know about it.

When I shared about being a form of self injury I meant injury to the INNER self not the physical self .

in sharing with others I have bulimia and the resulting comments from others has been injurious to my SOUL. my heart . my brain . .

I certainly want no one to see what Ive done in the past.

do they circualte alchoholics with thier head in a toilet? I doubt it .

not for national alcholol awareness.

. thats not for anyone to see . its no ones buisness . if they do not suffer from it. IMHO



Patricia

Hi Auroralso,

Yes, I have been through a lot lately. None of the videos of are myself. Most of my adult life I have been underweight or thin. I have never binged or really purged. Not eating has been my usual way and my first defense when I am stressed. With the weight gain from the medications, I have never been this heavy.

Thank you for clarifying what you meant by self injury. I still hate my body, but the bigger issue is that I hate myself which right now is the focus of my therapy.

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support.

CC

P.S. ~ What does IMHO mean

Hi CC,

IMHO . is In my humble opinion.



Thanks for clarifyinh my confusion. I read about your book and saw the video and thought that was you in the first one.

I wasn't sure how to read you and I did a poor job thats quite clear.

My appologies. I rushed to judgement.

I am very out of the loop with the video scean . Guess I have some catching up to do . Ive never been a fan of reality TV, For the last twenty years Ive been living life watching only movies on Tv

and thats about it for the TV video scean. I look up videos for music and something I want to learn Like ice skating On Ut tube and that has been in the last year .

I have heard people mention that they see women who have been abused or have eating disoders wear thier suffering like a badge of honor.

I couln't understand that . But now I see some do.As is evident on UTube.

I was doing fairly well with loving myself from 1986 till 1982 and was proud of myself in a quiet way untill I was treated so horrablt by a professional phychiatrist and then got banned from an adult child support group and was not told why.

I figured this out later that it was a phyche nurse who made me out to be dangerous.

I have been a recluse since then its been a long time.

Then I got on line and found there are many people who don't think I should feel good about myself.,
That Im a horrible person to be feared ,and I owe much penence.

and I have been by a friend treated this way once again.

So Im struggling . Im fighting

and its so unfair.

I belive we all need conviction to make our lives better , We don't need to be condemed,

About your meds and weight gain.
Im sorry But I think when doctors prescribe meds to women who suffer from an eating disorder ad it makes them want to binge or gain weight that its just ,
Ingnorance of the disorder period.

I don;t hesitae a minute for saying no to such medication.
Im so sorry your struggling.
I hope your doctors will find a med that will help make the food struggle easier . And you not make your ED more work,

why does the road to recovery have to have so many stumbling bolcks

Hang in there..CC


Patricia

[that we take on the persona of the abuser .To make this simpler we take on others opinions of us and how that just doesn't sit quite right for them. ]

I agree that this dichotomy between what others project onto me [their own character flaws] and my true identity [who is that???] has fed my eating disorder. How sweet it is -- when I have detachment and see THEIR sickness and don't make it mine. I guess it is because I have a hard time believing there are so many sick spirits out there, all looking for a scapegoat.

Exactly Tina

I have been brainwashed into beliving others negative opinions projections of me . So much so its like open season.,

And I have a difficult time saying the other one is Off the mark or just wrong in thier undertanding. especially when they proport knowledge and more power in thier understanding . Saying they " know me" . Like they know me better than I know myself. yet another way of beating a person down to lay the ground work for "their" handy work, alll so they can remai in control.

Thats gets easier as I am able to completly separste and not buy in to .

I struggle when I'm buying again . and letting them win.

Patricia

We can do it together!

It really isn't anyone else's "job" to tell me what is wrong with me. That old adage about the splinter in someone else's eye and the mote in their own is so true. I believe that people get addicted to "projection" the way I get addicted to B&P

My need for love and approval sometimes gives those projectors an "in" to my heart.

Well said Tina , I do have this posture of . " im clueless help me " stand I present . And that opens te door wide. I have my share of projecting I do myself I must say

Hey come on over to Beth 's control thread . Just hop on in.. we need some more voices.. Need some program..

You too CC



Patricia