runaway

I know it hurts, but you have to let it go. It is not fair for you to say that you 'need' your daughter (that's not healthy for either of you). She probably just felt overwhelmed and a bit lost herself, and needed some space. She is 18, and fully capable of making decision for herself... And I am sure once she does some introspection, she will be ready to connect in some way again.

Just hang in there, and try to be patient... maybe try to do something for yourself

So sorry Lost - this has got to be completely overwhelming to say the least. At 18, even though legally they are adults - they are still our babies. I agree with SnakeCharmer - I am very concerned about YOU! It's okay to have bad days...no apologies needed. I don't have any words that are sufficient. Just know I am still here and listening.

I agree my daughter does not know how to communicate or understand her feelings. She is such a good person. I do believe she is making ok decisions and really trying to be independent. Right now I worry about the women and her influences. We have a PI tracking them down to see what kind of relationship it is and if there is anything illegal going on.. we will see Either way I realize it will be awhile before this is mended. Her choice not mine.I'll wait it out I only want her happy and SAFE

Yes she is my baby forever. I worry aqbout me too basically evryone is I really am ok just hanging in there

Well it has been six weeks and my older children are so angry they have lost compassion for their sister. The younger children continue to mourn their loss for they miss their sister horribly. Myself and my husband keep going around sad, depressed and angry. We have no control and the experts say only speak positive to the one who ran away. She will never know the distructive scares she has left behind. Her influence and character are forever changed. It is soo sad. All because she didn't talk to her family. Unfortunately who she talked to lead her astray.

keep hanging on lost....one day she may realize!

She said she doesn't want to talk to me, see me or take anything from me.( clothes, food, money) I can't take it anymore...what if I just show up on her doorstep and try to make her talk? It might start communication..or will it freak her out and push her away?

Lost, I'm really sorry to hear how your family is in such misery. It's time for some tough talk here. You need to get a therapist and work on learning to accept your daughter's actions before your entire family is destroyed. Not by her. But by everyone's reaction to what she's done.

Unless you and your husband accept the fact that you are powerless in this situation, your health, marriage and other children are going to suffer in ways that simply aren't worth it.

I know you love your daughter. But what about the rest of your family? What about you?

There comes a point where love can turn toxic. It's become toxic to your own health and well-being. Your other children are probably worried sick that you're having a breakdown and may not recover. If your runaway daughter refuses to cooperate, there is nothing you can do about it. But you can take care of yourself so that your other children don't have to worry about ... well, quite honestly, about you having to be hospitalized or even dying.

Your shock and grief has turned into despair and desperation, obsession and depression. These are big emotions, too big for anyone to handle without help.

You may need a referral to a psychiatrist for medication and a therapist to help you accept that somehow there's been a fracture in your relationship with your daughter and as long as your emotions are so out of control there's no hope of mending that fracture.

You have been in my thoughts every single day because I know you are suffering. I've prayed for your daughter's safety. Now, I'm praying for your safety and recovery from this state of despair and desperation.

My thoughts are with you. Please get whatever help you can. I'm beginning to think your life is depending on it.

I do not know what to say.. I have a therapist, I take meds daily, ( as little as possible) and my life has changed. I will not accept that she is gone. I am a fighter-- you wouldn't believe the mountains we have moved to prosecute this coach. A full out case against this woman. I want to Utterly destroy her ! "very satisfying i say" The PI says she is safe.

I will not ever accept this. This episode needs to conclude, amends need to take place for I have already forgiven her. It is her road to her relationships that she needs to fix because not everyone is as forgiving as her parents. Right now I would enjoy communication. Let her live her life as she see fit. It is the influence of the adult that upsets me the most. It is so hard to determine what she says and what the adult says.

yes my family is a mess it is true

I don't know what to say either. Your family is a mess and you're a fighter. What if the only thing you utterly destroy in this fight is your own family?

I'm glad you have a therapist and you've seen a doctor about meds. I hope you're sharing these thoughts and feelings about vengeance and destruction with your therapist. I just can't see the love or logic in sacrificing the entire family, but everyone has to make their own decisions. It's a very sad situation, indeed.

Take Care.

Sorry-- your words hurt--truthful maybe ---but unwelcome because you may be right. I appreciate your kindness towards me and your time but most importantly your prayers. I believe in prayers. Please understand I am trying, I am , I really am

trying is hard....I understand...there is wisdom in SnakeCharmer's words....a parent's heart can only hold so much pain...somehow, we have to find a way to get past the pain...there are no easy answers...sometimes we have to reach down and find that last bit of strength...I know it is in you, even if it hard for you to see

Lost, I'm sorry my words stung. You're an honest person to say they may be right. Please take care of yourself and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I do know you're trying very hard ... doing your best ... to find your way through this.

As Can't Stop Crying said, I, too, know strength is within you. Please keep us updated on how things progress. We care. I wish you the very best.

I am trying and trying to plan out how to survive this. I am looking for a way to balance this despair. I am terrified of the holidays and how this will work out. WE are a stubborn and prideful family with traits of confidence. It will be difficult for my daughter to admit defeat. I am not sure if/when I will see her again. I want to see her soooo much; hold her, touch her, just be in her presence. This is very difficult. Thank you for listening.

We went through the judicial system and have a good case against the coach. We need my daughter to contribute to the case and I am sure that will not happen anytime soon. I was told today that we will be able to access the case if necessary in the future. Of course I am hopeful that there hasn't been abuse but everyone, all police, school officials, athletic administration agree my daughter was influenced. Yet she chose to go.

Lost, I just looked and this thread has more than 700 views. People are reading and listening even if they aren't posting. You will be listened to here. I look at this thread right away when I sign into the forums and read what's been posted, then I think about it for a while before replying.

I know you're trying very hard. I know from first hand experience how difficult and upsetting a daughter's complete rejection can be.

My daughter once refused to speak to me for six months and I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did to offend her and she was definitely very angry at me. Finally, one of her friends told me and it was ... well, it was a simmering issue related to personality differences. I definitely felt -- very strongly -- that I was completely in the right and she was completely in the wrong and acting very badly and doing things that scared the living bejasus out of me. I considered her behavior to be impulsive, bull headed and self-destructive.

So, I thought the situation over for a few days and I decided it was more important to have her in my life than it was to be right. So, I apologized to her, not only for the thing that had triggered her anger in the moment, but whatever I may have done while she was growing up that hurt her or angered her or left her feeling unimportant or oppressed or abandoned. I apologized for things I don't know if I even did.

It didn't matter if I was right or wrong or if I did or didn't do things as she remembered them. What mattered is she was feeling hurt and angry and really wanted an acknowledgment from me that I had made mistakes. Which, of course, I had. Every mother makes mistakes even when she's trying really hard to do the right thing. Sometimes life is just overwhelming and it's impossible to give the right thing at the right moment. Sometimes s**t happens and it's impossible to keep everyone safe from the s**t storm.

But it wasn't impossible for me to swallow my pride and to tell my daughter that I was sorry for all the things I had done wrong and that I would try to do better in the future. Nowhere in my apology did I mention any of the things she may have done wrong. She made mistakes. Everyone does. But I didn't mention them or try to correct her or get an apology in return. Who won and who lost was not as important as healing the rupture.

The fracture mended. Pretty soon she started telling me about some of the things she was doing that made my hair stand on end. She talked and l listened without criticism, except to ask about using protection and offering to get something if she needed help. We talked and talked. She talked and I listened and didn't correct her on anything. Over a period of several months she changed her own behaviors, the ones that were alarming.

Sometimes children slam doors on us because they feel hurt or oppressed or unheard. If we want that door to open again, it's our job to swallow our pride and make walking back through that door look like an attractive option.

I felt lost when my daughter was actively rejecting me. Really lost and hurt. Swallowing my pride and letting her know how sorry I was that she was hurting and that I'd done things that had hurt her brought her back home.

I don't know if anything like that would work in your situation. My girl was doing things that I don't think any mother would like. I'm glad she came home. Things smoothed out. We're planning a family trip together soon. It was just a year ago that she rejected me so fully and completely that I thought my heart would break. But it's all better now and she likes that she won. She won. And it didn't cost me a thing.

I wish you the best in working things out with your daughter and the rest of your family.

Once again you have the insight. I am not sure who I am anymore because everything I have done to raise my clan has been with love and with the best intentions. Of course I have made many mistakes through the years. My older children are quick to point out my flaws and voice their opinions, how they are smarter and wiser than their parents. Yet, my daughter who is away never did. She was always passive and go with the flow kind of girl. She is kind, beautiful, generous of spirit and compassionate towards others. She also has had difficult times with close relationships because ( now I think) she is afraid of conflict ;afraid to disappoint and not willing to stand up to her opinions. I know this is very much a maturity aspect and a process of growing up. I do believe she needs to feel love and acceptance through and through from her family.

I believe you are correct and there most likely a personality difference between us. I also believe this has been simmering because in her good bye note- I am starting a new life, thanks for everything- she stated she believed that leaving was the best idea even though she knew she would upset everyone. I don't think she was willing to face and fight for her feelings. I honestly never knew she was thinking she needed to leave. I really thought she was happy. you know- like most teenagers! moody sometimes.. not all the time.
With the outside influence of the coach a plan was made and my daughter found her freedom.

As I said we involved the police. They have sided with my adult 18 year old and have asked us not to contact our daughter until she allows us. Complete control for her. We have not communicated with her in two weeks because our daughter was advised (by who?) that she can put an order of protection against us. Today the police contacted her and explained that we have a case against the coach. For now the case will sit for future use, if necessary.

Interestingly enough our daughter started to speak with her Aunt through, Face Book, right after the police left. So now my family, my husband, children and myself wait for my daughter to reach out. We cannot communicate with her. Before this started I did apologize over and over again for anything and everything I could remember. I never said anything negative or hurtful. I said I miss her and want to support her in any way. I said we need her in our family. I just want to share in her life story.

Yes my daughter is hurt and angry, I believe she doesn't feel heard. I am afraid she is lonely because being lonely is one of the worst feelings. I will read and reread your post. I believe you are correct in saying to just listen. Say not a word. It is really the relationship I want. I want my daughter in my life!!!!!!!!!

I am depressed and I am trying. Basically I am supported but my husband is having a hard time with me. He wants to plan ahead ..I want to sit, He wants to socialize, I panic when the sun goes down. I shake, cry and become anxious without warning. I am exhausted. Yet I have to wait.. I am trying I still feel guilt.

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time still. Please take care of yourself. Your suffering is severe at the moment and it's the type of thing that therapy can help with -- the depression, anxiety and guilt. It sounds so very painful.

I hope you are seeing your therapist regularly, at least weekly, as a minimum, to help you adjust to this and to accept the things you cannot change. Sometimes it takes extra help to get us through a period of grief and to regain equilibrium once again.

Seeing that your daughter is 18, the police have no choice but to view her as an adult and if she doesn't want you to come to the place she's living, then that's something one has to accept, or risk ending up in jail! It's really important to not provoke her into reactions that she, and everyone else, will regret later.

It's hard. Very very hard. You're in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you well. Please remember that your daughter is not gone. She's temporarily away from you. My thoughts are with her safety.

Take Care.

Yes I am hanging in there and now waiting for my daughter to make contact. I took myself off meds. I am starting to feel better and have clearer thinking. I will remember she is not gone though we have mourned her. She is just away from us. We are so sad. Hoping to make contact before the holidays.

Almost three moths now and she doesn't communicate with us. The older sister stopped by her home and gave her some clothes and money. She refused the money and took the clothes and yelled at her sister for never being there for her. Just a few more weeks until the school semester is over. Not sure where she will live or what her plan is after the semester. Hope she comes around and starts talking.

We are all broken about her. We wish we knew what was going on. My family is very fragile.

Hi Lost. I'm so sorry this has been going on. I don't have the concentration to read all the way thru this thread. I do, however feel compelled to write to you what I should have said to my own mother years ago:

Dear Mom,
I'm so sorry for all that I put you through. I was in so much pain that I couldn't find the words. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to take responsibility for my mistakes and blamed you for many of them; they weren't your fault. I was so angry at you for not paying attention / paying too much attention / whatever. I couldn't believe that anyone could possibly love me. I don't trust love and kindness. You couldn't win. It took so long for me to trust your love; too long. How you put up with me all those years, I don't know. But I do thank you. I never tell anyone everything that's going on in my head, except maybe my T and PDoc. I never want anyone to know how bad things are. I put up walls. I never tore them completely down, but your love took alot of the bricks out. I'm so glad we got to be best friends before you died. I miss you more every day. I still feel your love in my heart. I love you, Mom.

How kind of you to share such a beautiful note to your mother. I believe your mother knew how much you loved her. All mothers try. I believe my daughter also feels insecure about herself and has a trust issue. She has said since she was gone that she didn't feel respected or heard within the family. Unfortunately she never told anyone and built strong walls. The coach she has befriended has replaced her need for family right now. At thanksgiving we wished her well and she screamed back she will never go home. We have never been intentionally hurtful towards her. We thought we were good parents. She sis such a fabulous person! SO kind! We didn't know how she felt. After she screamed through email , she contacted my sister in law. maybe this is a start of something...I dare not to even be positive.
Our family is really struggling now and the six of us are going to have a rough holiday. The kids miss their sister

Thank you for your note.

In all honesty our family is a mess.

My missing daughter is very angry and we think it is because she feels guilt for doing what she wants. She says by talking with us she becomes hurt. Not knowing what to do next we found a therapist that specializes in missing family members. I expect to go through the wringer and be told how bad we were to her and how she feels devalued. I will go through this process if I can find a way that is positive and I can communicate with her....I miss my daughter so much..she will never know how destructive her actions were. I struggle day to day

Her friendship with the coach continues. She has (thankfully) maintained friendships with her HS friends and even has a local boyfriend. But her main emotional support comes from the coach.
I wonder if I contact the coach and ask her to assist us with communication she will help? Coach is 30 years old. What a bad Lifetime movie I am in

My daughter's
friendship with the coach continues. She has (thankfully) maintained friendships with her HS friends and even has a local boyfriend. But her main emotional support comes from the coach.
I wonder if I contact the coach and ask her to assist us with communication she will help? Coach is 30 years old. What a bad Lifetime movie I am in[/QUOTE]

WE went to a new therapist today. We are hopeful that her strategies at making and keeping contact will work to help bring my daughter home. I cry everynight, almost thinking that if she could hear me , it will make her come home and miss me. Why does it hurt so much and not get better? I am waiting for her, I told her, I am waiting and praying she feels my love and wants to reach out to me..............

lost, I'm glad to hear your daughter has maintained her high school friendships and has a local boyfriend. It sounds as if she's trying to maintain some stability in her life.

I'm not so sure it would be a good idea to approach the coach to ask for help. This is the person you wanted arrested, right? You were after her blood. It's likely all that anger came across in ways that may not make her the best person to ask to advocate for you or your family.

Your T probably knows far more of the details and may have a different perspective, may have some constructive suggestions for you.

I hope you and the rest of your family enjoy the rest of the holiday season and don't allow the absence of your one daughter to blight the time you spend together. Hang in there. Your daughter is alive and well, even if she's still wanting to stay distant. As long as she's safe, it means prayers are being answered.

]

WE went to a new therapist today. We are hopeful that her strategies at making and keeping contact will work to help bring my daughter home. I cry everynight, almost thinking that if she could hear me , it will make her come home and miss me. Why does it hurt so much and not get better? I am waiting for her, I told her, I am waiting and praying she feels my love and wants to reach out to me..............[/QUOTE]

The new therapist says that we must realize that she is in an very abusive and controlling relationship. And yes..we need her to wake up! The holiday's are here, my birthday has come, and no word from her. We now believe the emotional abuse she suffers is degrading her and we are not sure when she will realize this is not what she wants out of life.
It hurts not to be able to help her. My depression has lightened but it still lurks with me. My panic attacks are fewer but the anxiety rush at the first sign of the sun setting is painful. I dream of holding her close to my heart