Deleted .....................

[MickeyCheeky]

I hope you're doing ok.

[Open Eyes]

(((Aimless Soul))), even though you could not write something down, your thread title actually says a lot. The answer to your title question is that sadly a lot of parents don't know they are interacting with their children in ways that are harmful and dysfunctional.
It's actually not surprising that you would ask that and then not even be able to write something down either. Often there is a lot of emotional challenge taking place where it's overwhelming to try to put what you are feeling into words.

I have spent a lot of time with different families and over the years I saw parents behave in ways with their children that often shocked me and these parents genuinely had NO CLUE how their behaviors were so damaging to their children either.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have children simply because that's what comes next and they genuinely don't have any idea how to raise a child or even the stages of development children go through and how to nurture children according to whatever stage of development the child is experiencing. We have been living a lifestyle where children are often handed off to daycares or nanny's and the parents don't actually form very important bonds with their children too. A lot of people have children without any idea or knowledge about actual stages of child development. As a result a lot of children end up struggling as a result of "emotional neglect". The parents begin to have problems resulting from this and NOTORIOUSLY handle this by making it worse and punishing their child for something the parents themselves caused out of shear ignorance. Parents don't typically set out to abuse or neglect their children, most of the time the reality is that the parent has no education or actual knowledge and often make a lot of mistakes which results in their child struggling and confused.

I didn't know that title said that much. But thanks for the input. To me it's simple: don't ever hurt your children's feeling. Taking care of them emotionally is as import if not more important than taking care of them physiologically. But I don't know, maybe because I don't have children, and this is not realistic, but personally my life is ruined because of how they have treated me. I grew up very self-conscious of my sayings and doings. They have expected too much from me as a child and now as an adult, and I have been told by them that I am lucky to have them over and over again, and they think they are the greatest parents in the world. I just cannot see how they manage to see themselves this way. I understand that people make mistakes, but maybe they don't like to think they are not-so-good parents, instead of facing and confessing their mistakes.

[Open Eyes]

((Aimless)), unfortunately there are parents who do think they were great parents when they really did fail their child on an emotional level.

How old are your parents?

As a parent who fell short in many ways, I only fully realized in hindsight and ignored some of the gut feelings that I felt on a few occasions. I don't know if I am bipolar, have a personality disorder or what but I got caught up in everyday things like preparing meals, working, and reacting to people instead of really understanding relationships. I do have a lot of anxiety and the fight or flight response I get from it has also made me make bad decisions and we were very isolated which made it even worse for our children. Plus, my parents and even all but one grandparent (my maternal grandmother) modeled some dysfunction. I probably have had an untreated mental condition my whole life. Now they are grown up and I have no idea how to help them but I do love them. I do not blame them in anyway for anything that happened. I am saddened everyday when I think of the price they paid.

I hope this isn't too depressing for you. I hope you can move on some way. Try to find small moments to enjoy. Don't be afraid to say if someone did you wrong. I think I was brought up to follow orders and follow authority and that was why I did not speak up on a few occasions when it needed to be done. It may not have changed anyones mind but I recently read something that said it is important to air out differences instead of letting things smolder because children pick up on these emotions and they are confusing. So talk about it so that you can break the cycle in case you ever have kids. I hope you can break the cycle and have a good life.

I am embarrassed to tell people (for instance--I haven't told people at work that my son is homeless)--perhaps I am embarrassed because we (my husband and I) haven't done enough to help. My husband has said our son's homelessness is his choice--perhaps he just doesn't want any responsibility and just chooses to blame--I know it is much more complex than that. Some of my problems definitely definitely has to do with my brain chemistry (PTSD, bipolar) because I am doing much better on medications now but I did not go to a psychiatrist until our children were in high school. My gut feeling about your question is "yes"--some parents will not admit to themselves that there was abuse or were so abused that the abusive things seemed normal. (discipline, not sugar coating things, etc.)

[eskielover]

To me it's simple: don't ever hurt your children's feeling.

looking back I could have let my feelings be hurt by my parents but I was way too independent of a thinker it seems from the beginning. My instinct was to strike back rather than take anything my parents said personally. Probably because from as early as I can remember I never held any value in what they told me. I don't have any idea when that thinking even started but I got all my validation from school starting in kindergarten. My parents were so dysfunctional & emotionally disconnected because of their own issues that I learned frim very young never to value their knowledge. I didn't even want people to know they were my parents from a very young age but I have no idea what experiences all went into my feeling that way.....but not valuing their knowledge actually probably saved me from a lot of feeling I was the cause of anything.

So in other words what might hurt one childs feelings may not hurt anothers. There is no real cookie cutter definition.....it is all individual.

There are more messed up parents out there that should have NEVER had kids even if they could provide a roof & food & clothing. People don't realize how important emotional connection is. That doesn't mean being a smothering parent or giving the kid everything they want either...but being there with support & understanding. My parents were out in la la land when it came to that. Only a few years ago (they bave both been dead for years) did I figure out what their disabilities really were when the lightbulb came on.

My parents had no idea how totally dysfunctional as parents they really were & did the best they were mentally & emotionally capable of. Looking back with an understanding now I can see how my parents not knowing themselves excused so many things away on things that made sense to them....looking back I can see how those excuses made sense to them because back in the dark ages no one had ever even defined in the mental health area what was the actual cause of my dad's behaviors & my mom latched onto him at 19 because no other guy would even bother to date her & he was drafted into WWII & she wanted to make sure he had a reason to come home. The picture all makes sense now but my personality was very different from my parents & so was my IQ which only added to the conflicts we had.

Who knows.....as a kid I could have been abusive to my parents the way I reacted to them.

Relationships are not easy to JUST define & have everything fit into the same box. We get messed up no matter what the insides of the box looks like but when we think we have a one size fits all picture & answer.....there is ALWAYS another exception.

I do understand that life is complicated, and parents make mistakes. We all do. But what I don't understand is thinking they are perfect. I would forgive my parents if they just say we were mistaken, and we are sorry when they made a mistake. But they keep pretending everything will be OK, and over the years I have become indignant, and take every opportunity to be away from them. Whenever I face them and talk, they begin the self-defense talk, and how others wish to be in my shoes, and I am so lucky to have them.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

...

How old are your parents?

Early 70s.

[TishaBuv]

I am suffering with issues from abusive parents. I have children and THEY say I’ve been a great parent. The fact your parents say they were such great parents says volumes. Great parents don’t have to go around singing their own praises; others do it to honor them.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, being your parents are of that generation there really was not a great deal understood about child development, nothing like what is understood today. Parents in their generation had no idea or heard of childhood emotional neglect and how that can affect a child for the rest of their life.

Actually, they use their parents' parenting style as a reference that worked out well!! So, they use a slightly modified version of it.

Originally Posted by Aimless Soul

Actually, they use their parents' parenting style as a reference that worked out well!! So, they use a slightly modified version of it.

They probably did what they thought was right at the time. I think all we can do is try to understand and learn from our parent's mistakes, if possible.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Nowinners

They probably did what they thought was right at the time. I think all we can do is try to understand and learn from our parent's mistakes, if possible.

Yes I learned what I didn't want to be like from my parents....only problem was I didn't have any model of what a really gpod parent was like to learn from. So I struck out on my own makong it up as I went fighting hard NOT to be like my parents & in the process I made some bad choices myself. I am only 5+ years younger than your parents (65) so am more away what the environment was like. It is just nit easy being a oarent no matter what

The mistakes are not in the past only. I wish they are. They continue to happen. They have no respect or trust in me and I am an adult. They have very high expectations of me, and when they don't like it they start criticizing and talked down to me. Everything I say and do is wrong, and they have to criticize it, because to them this is how parenting works. Now I am away from them, but the last time time I saw them we had a huge fight, and now we barely talk. As I said, they don't realize what they are doing, and think I am a bad son. I am trying to move on, but away from them. It's sad, but I cannot live a life where my parents have no respect for me.

[eskielover]

Yes, there were a few times at the end of my marriage that I spent time at my mom's house (by that time my dad had died).....we were like oil & water & explosions would happen just like when I was growing up. I think actually distance with parents is a good thing.....it keeps things tolerable. I could never go & visit my daughter & stay with her. It is not worth having the clashes.....& it is OK. We just need to acknowledge that tbis is just the way it is & accept is & not let other people pressure yiu into thinking ut is wrong. Every relationship has it's individual dynamic.....& that is ok to acknowledge even when we widh it wasn't like that.

I had somewhat an acceptable relationship with them while I was away, but they pressured me to go home because they think I as their son should be around them, but things got worse between us, and now we barely talk. I am away again, and I am not thinking ever go back. I talk to my siblings frequently, but not that much to my parents. Let them think I am wrong, that's fine. I don't care as long as I am away. Their loneliness and isolation is not my problem. I am not an entertainer, especially if I am not respected.

[eskielover]

That is good self care.

[downandlonely]

I think staying away from them is the right thing for you.

[amandalouise]

my own opinion is yes abusers know when they are being abusive, why else would they tell their victims do not tell, this is a secret, if you tell this that and the other thing will happen,.... my point if they did not know that they were being abusive then they would not be telling their victims not to tell. they know.

They didn't tell me not to tell others, but they told me they do that because they love me, which is ironic. How could you love someone, and disrespecting them? I guess they are afraid for others to know that our relationship isn't good, because people would think they failed as parents. That's the only concern they have. Not my feelings, and trying to respect me, and treat me as a person.

[eskielover]

My parents never said anything except that I would realize how smart they really were when I got older.....that never happened.

It was interesting because after I had a breakdown in my early 40's & had to go to therapy one of the few things I remember was my mom saying that they didn't abuse me as a child. No one could understand why a successful computer engineer who seemed to have her act together could just fall apart the way I did.

I agree....they did not abuse me but their dysfunction was the foundation for the anxiety I had lived with growing up & then marrying someone with the same dysfunction added to that like the snowball effect & when the right combination of things hit me later on in life I finally crashed.

Glad I have recovered but my parents have been dead for ages & I left my H 11 years ago. The problem with dysfunctional parents is that they are incapable of teaching life skills to get through difficult things in life & their example if life is not one I chose to use so I had no example to follow. Making it up as I went was an anxiety producing task.....& they had no idea any of this was really happening within their lives because they were sure they were just as normal as any other parents.

I often wonder how anyone grows up ok because there are only a few parents out thete that are really what I would consider quality parents. No wonder why there is so much mental illness & therapy needed.

I know what you're saying. I'm going through a similar course. For years we haven't talked about the dysfunctional dynamics in the family, that now I'm so indignant and broken. They've created someone who is incapable of facing the difficulties of life. This is what their parenting has produced, although I bet they thought their constant criticism and disrespect would make me better. I know I said elsewhere that I want children, but this is just a wish to have a normal life, and be different. But in reality, at least at the moment, I don't think this is a good idea. I'm not happy (I've never been), and I don't want to make life (more) miserable to my children, too. Having children is a huge decision, and I don't think I can create a happy life for them. So, it's better for them not to exist.

[eskielover]

The good thing is that our minds have neuroplasticity which means we can learn new skills & learn how to function & face the difficulties in life. It takes finding good help that can teach these skills& lots of practice breaking old habits but I have found that even at the age of 54 (11 years ago) when I left my H & moved 2100 miles away & got into good therapy & ended up surrounding myself by very functional friends (something I never had before) I was totally able to learn & change. I have never been happier in my whole life nir feel more peace. It is my whole environment that has made the difference but it is awesome to know that I wasn't sentenced to a life of misery because of all I went through during those previous 54 years if my life.

There is hope.

I had an awesome DBT group leader & she is my private psycholigist now that I see once a month while going through all the legal stuff around my divorce & the settlement of marriage assets in the state I left. She helps me remember the skills I learned & validates that I am handling things very well & gives me helpful input.

[hvert]

I was/am shocked to learn that my father did not recognize his behavior as abusive or feel any remorse - not only that, but he told other people his kids didn't want contact with him because we had been brainwashed by our mother (not true).

I recently came across this and felt like it really resonated:

A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.