complicated grief

So I have been doing a little online research and I think I have come up with a reason why my grief won't just go away... I know it takes a while but mine has been dwindling for way to long and the feelings are getting stronger instead of easing.
See my partner cheated on me, twice. She pretended that she was somebody she was not and it turns out for the whole six years we were together she lied about her past loves, her past life, everything...I was in love with someone who didn't exist. All of this has been so hard and she turned pretty nasty in the end and wouldn't let me take me stuff, told nasty lies about me and kept my dogs way from me. I am not blaming her for everything, I must have triggered all of this in her...anyway I found it hard to cope with all this so I went to therapy...My T was great at first, very supportive but then she wouldnt let me talk about my ex, insisting that we talk about other things. At first I let her thinking there must be some reason but then it was just rediculous because I couldn't tell anyone else about my ex as nobody knew about our relationship only my t. She kept saying that I wasn't depressed and that I should be moving on with it now, I couldn't understand why i couldnt let this go...why i was still and still am grieving. My t even refused to see me again for six whole monthsd because I got back with my ex only to be cheated on again.
Sorry for rambling on but I think I have this complicated grief. Has anyone else have any experience with it?

Button30-I'm so sorry for all the pain your going through, i just broke up with my boyfriend of 4yrs and i really do understand how hard it is to be without the person you were with for so long.I feel your pain. i have no idea what your T was thinkning. i think you need to talk about your grief and your feelings about your ex, i think grieving is our minds way of healing, there is no right way to grieve. i think instead of worrying that you should be moving on by now you should give you heart some time to heal, six years is a long time to be with someone, its gonna take time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, try to look forward to that day. in the mean time be true to yourself and what you are really feeling, and maybe think about getting a new therapist.i wish you all the best, you are not alone, im right there with you.

KTBelle,
I am so sorry to hear of your break-up. Four years is a long time to be with someone and to love someone. I know exactly how you feel and it hurts like hell to try and picture a day with them not there.
Everyday I tell myself it will get better, there is someone else for you but the longer it goes on the harder it gets to stay positive.
BTW, I am alwys here if you need anyone to talk to or if you are just lonely. The thing is no one can tell you how to feel or how you are supposed to feel as everyone is different, so my T was indeed wrong but she was only trying to help.

Thanks alot botton30, it is hard to picture life without him, sometimes i forget that hes gone and then its like woah hes not sitting on the couch, hes not sleeping in my bed, i dunno. i think your doing a good job trying to stay positive, i know how hard that is, but i think your a really sweet kind person, i know you'll meet someone awsome, it just might take some time. its good to know i have a new friend because im pretty lonely. so you think you'll give your T another shot?

(((hugs))) Its like every song reminds you of him, every tv programme, everything you do...its sooo hard But I have found a way of coping better because I tended to romantisize the relationship and make it out to be better in my memories so thanks to T when I do this I have to think of something really bad that she said to me (there was a lot) and it works. Oh and as for her not being in my bed, thats great because I can finally get a full nights sleep without her snoring There is always a positive to everything.
I have my final session with my T next week, but I already started with a new T and she is great, she isn't afraid to speak her mind. My old T would just listen and not say anything bad about my ex but my new T gives out like mad about her, she said is very dangerous and will never change unless she gets help where as old T said that maybe I needed to change and not let people walk all over me, and in fairness that is true and I have started that so between the two of them I will be ready for my next relationship in no time
KTbelle you are never lonely when you have the internet and I will always be here if you are feeling sad or low or wanting to make contact with him and are trying not to just PM me and we dish our exes or just be there for each other

you have no idea how good it was for me to read your reply, i had a really strange thing happen today, my door bell rang and i opened my door and my ex barged in and said that he needed his stereo and cds and he was so messed up on i think speed or maybe coke? his eyes were huge and it was just really scary, he got his stuff and just barged back out. the really scary thing is that he still has the key to my apartment! i put a bunch of stuff against the door tonight, i dont think he'll be able to get in, maybe he wont even try but better safe then sorry. my dad is coming over to install a new lock tomarro but until then i'm freaked out. my ex is just letting himself fall apart, its sad, but i shouldnt be suprised because i was the one who always held him together.
it sounds like you have the best of both worlds with both of your therapists, im so happy that your doing so good, it sounds like you have a really positive outlook on things, i tottaly agree with you about seeing the positive things about the break up, i started making a list a month ago when we first broke up about things i wont have to deal with or worry about now that im not with him, after the first week i had 3 pages! but still like you said pretty much everything reminds me of him. but i dont regret my decision to end things, i had many valid reasons.
i sleep better now because my ex snored too!lol
its really nice to actually hear from a friend when im on the internet, your a sweet heart!

Oh my god, you have to stay with someone else until you get your locks changed. has he ever been violent with you? Sounds like he is really falling apart and hurting but please don't feel giulty about not being there to put him back together. He is a big boy and can look after himself. Will you be able to look after you if he comes again though and starts a fight? it was your choice to end it and he has to accept that.
It wasn't me choice to end things she cheated on me and moved her new gf in as soon as I moved out- that was hard
Hey its nice to help someone else out and just to talk about things that are happening for you right now. You sound like a really sweet girl and should have no trouble finding some new fella who doesn't do drugs lol. x

Yeah, its pretty crazy, hes never been violent, he was actually a really passive gentle guy, i dont think he would start anything crazy, but then again i didnt think he would turn into the person that he did the last year of our relationship, so im not gonna rule anything out, i saw him today, to get the apartment keys back, he looked horrible, it was so sad, hes forgetting to take his meds and he says hes a piece of crap and worthless, i pray everynight that he'll stay safe and wont hurt himself. i cant help him though, i tryed the last year of our relationship and i couldnt save him, and like you said hes a grown man he needs to take care of himself. im kind of washing my hands of all his B.S, im just done with it. The funny thing is i was thinking that if he ever came in my apartment i could probably beat the crap out him because he was never like a tough guy, i was the one that always carried in the christmas tree lol!
That must have been sooo sad, and harsh that your ex moved somebody in right after you moved out. wow, that i cant imagine how painful that must have been. but as hard as it was for you to deal with the break up i think your better off without this girl. you deserve someone that truely loves you and respects you, someone that would never hurt you like she hurt you. thats something that i had to realize, that i deserved better than my ex. i hope you know you deserve someone great.
it is nice to have someone to talk to, i dont have many poeple that i can really count on to be there. i hope i'll be able to meet a nice guy sometime in the future. and i know that you'll find someone who will love you and noone else.

You said it exactly....you deserve better its about putting a value on yourself and I think you gaev you ex all the help you could but no one can fix anyone that doesn't want to be fixed and it sounds like your ex has pushed his own self destruct button. Ktbelle, you can do no more now only focus on yourself and your needs. He will soon get his life back on track, maybe this is the wake up call he needs to realise what he lost in you- a caring and loving girlfriend
Whatever you do don't feel any guilt or remorse for breaking up because you are rightly looking after yourself!
IT hurt like hell when she moved her new girlfriend in straight away to know that had no respect for my feelings whatsoever but they have now broke up because she cheated on her too so at least I wont take it personally as it seems to be a pattern for my ex but thats her issues not mine thankfully and I am lucky I got away but the pain is still very much inside of me. Somedays its too much for me and I get overwhelmed and scared of being alone but then I think of what she did to me and its ok again.

Thankyou for stoping in and a hug it was well needed. sorry to read what happened to you just like you I spent ten year's with a woman like you are saying untill one day I found my soul mate for twelve and pland to stay with her forever till she passed away in my arm's. I finde myself right where you are again in way's. Hope itt startes getting better for you alway's remember there is a soul mate out there for you and you will fell so differant inside than with the other's you will know and all the other thing's will be solved in away. Hug's and wishes COWBOY1.

I know what you mean about sometimes the pain being too much. we both have our ways of copeing with the pain which is a really positive thing but i think sometimes theres nothing for me to do but feel the hurt about everything thats happened with him and me, and as long as allowing myself to feel that pain doesnt turn into a self destructive thing i think its healthy. i think feeling hurt is part of this whole process we are going through. like i said before i think grieving is our minds way of healing.
ive been cheated on a few times before i know how awfully painful it is, but i cant imagine being cheated on by someone i'd been with for 6yrs. i think the fact that you feel so much hurt is very understandable considering what happened with you and your ex. but at least now you know that it wasnt just you she cheated on, it seems like she has a lot of issues. i dont know maybe if you guys stayed together your mental health would've gone down hill like hers. maybe you wouldve started having issues of all kinds being around such an unhealthy person. everything happens for a reason. im glad that you remind yourself of how the relationship really was when you get down, thats a good way to pick yourself up and to just be realistic about things. i think down the line when your girlfriend gets her issues sorted out shes going to kick her self in the *** for letting you go. but by that time you'll be snuggled up with someone who actually deserves you.
Your right my ex did push his own self destruct button and I really want to put myself 1st for once but i feel like im still tied to him in someway, i dont want to be, i know i'll never go back to him, but i just feel like i loved him for so long and i took care of him and now all the sudden im sopposed to let go..sometimes i feel like i am done with worying about him but other times i have a thought in the back of my head of him so helpless and brocken down and i feel sad for him, i feel like i dont know anything thats going to give him life again, maybe he wont be ok again, maybe hes just going to live like he is now for the rest of his life, i have a hard time accepting that. but i know i cant help him, i carried him and the weight of our relationship on my shoulders for the last year of it, i did all i could do.

Cowboy, I am so sorry to hear that, I cant even imagine what it is like to watch your wife die in your arms..my deepest sympathy to you. I hope you are looking after yourself through all of this grief???? Its hard to think of anything only the pain but Cowboy you have to look after you x

button30, I am so very sorry for all the pain and grief you have gone through. I have heard of complicated grief; a group of clinicians has been fighting to get it included in the new, 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Opponents of this say that including "complicated grief" as a diagnostic category will pathologize it and the people who are struggling with it, but the advocates say that, because therapists must include a diagnostic code for insurance companies in order to be reimbursed, it will help individuals get the treatment they need for this.

Sending you hugs and warm wishes, and hugs to the others who have posted on this thread who have struggled, too!

Thank you Avid reader, I read that article too and it saddens me to think that it isn't really accepted or though of as a diagnosis. I myself have been wondering what the hell is wrong with me for so long that I can't just let go of my ex and our relationship, my therapist just said I have a hard time letting things go but this is more serious...the sense of loss consumes me that I can't think of anything else, it is eating me up and slowly killing me. i wish they would recognise it so they can find a cure