[ajpj1213]

Hi. I found my mother dead September 18 and can't cope and haven't been doing very well. None of my family speaks to me, my Mom was all I've ever known. Just looking for people with similar situations that might be able to give some advice. I hope to hear from you.

For those who have lost their mother, I'm so truly sorry for your loss.

[Fresia]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and the connection to the family. Family was not there for me either and I can relate but perhaps there is a friend or consider a counselor to reach out to. You don't have to shoulder this alone. I know sometimes I could only take things one moment at a time. The feelings felt so overwhelming but with deep breaths and letting them pass, became less daunting over time. Be sure to take extra special care of yourself right now and in the days ahead. My heart aches with you for your loss.

[peaches100]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing such pain right now. You did a good thing by reaching out for support. I'm facing the physical and mental decline of my mother-in-law, who has been like a mom to me. I'm dreading the day she passes away, although I know it is probably going to happen sometime in the next few months to a year. (My husband may also have cancer.) I'm terrified of losing the two people I am closest to in the world. I know I will need support for myself when it happens. So I would like to offer you my support and listening ear while you are going through it. Please keep posting here at PC and let us know how you are doing. You don't need to go through it all alone.

[Yoda]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[CANDC]

Hi ajpj1213. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. That must be very painful. The loss of a parent is not easy.

My experience is different than yours in some ways, but losing a parent is never easy. I saw my dad dying over several years. Every time I visited him, something else was gone. Eventually he hardly recognized me. It was so sad. I thought when he died that I would feel better but the grief just is keeping on over 1/2 a year later. Losing a parent for me is like losing part of myself. I have had to reinvent myself and start over in a sense.

Hope you find the support you seek.

[ajpj1213]

Thank you everyone for letting me know there's others out there that care. I didnt get a chance to really say whats going on so I thought I'd do that now as I can't sleep. Again. The past few years have been very hard on me. In july of 2014 I got a call saying my Dad had fallen down, was in the hospital and the doctors didnt think he was going to make it. It turned out to be liver failure and he lived for about a week. It was really heartbreaking watching him deteriorate so fast. The last couple days he was really confused and angry. He begged his wife not to have him cremated but she did it anyway and didnt have a funeral just a bbq. At that moment I thought it was the hardest thing I'd ever go through. After that my mom became very depressed, my dad was her best friend, they had been highschool sweethearts, and even though they weren't together anymore she was depressed, especially because my dads wife wouldn't let her see him before he passed. She also had a lot of pain in her back and hips from being a cosmetologist and for thelast few years her doctor had her on oxycodone. Both of my parents were alcoholics, my dad had to get a pacemaker and difibulator because of drinking and thats also what caused the liver failure. My moms drinking had gotten worse after he died to the point of missing work. She also started drinking and driving which caused her to wreck her car to the tune of 10000$ in repairs. There was nobody else else involved, in fact we dont even know where she wrecked but we searched the news asked the police nothing was reported. After that whenever she started drinking, I lived with her, I would take her keys and lock myself in my room with them so she couldn't get more alcohol. She would get mad, bang on my door and call me names but I didnt care because I didn't want her to get hurt or her to hurt anyone else. The day she died started live every other Sunday, she was pounding on my door at 7 am for her keys so she could go get donuts. My husband and I ate a couple donuts with her and went back to sleep. (we were up till 5 am cleaning up water that had overflowed from the washing machine and flooded the house.) a couple hours later I was woken up by loud music coming from outside. I found my Mom passed out in her car with the doors locked and the radio up really loud. I ended up getting her out of the car, she was wasted, and into her bed. I told her she needed to sleep for a while to sober up, she looked at me and had tears in her eyes and said she had been talking to my dad all morning. I got kind of mad and told her to stop using him as an excuse (she"d been drinking since I was a baby) and to go to sleep then went back to my room and back to sleep. My husband and I woke up a couple hours later and decided to go get ice cream. I opened my bedroom door and walked out to the living room and my husband went to the bathroom thats right next to our room. Thats when I saw my mom sitting in front of our refrigerator with her head rested against it. I thought great, she fell again and went to start the long process of getting her up and to her bed. I called out to her a couple times while walking towards her and she didnt respond so I shook her sholder and my heart jumped out ofmy chest. She was really cold and the side of her face was purple, I screamed for my husband and he came running. I grabbed my phone and called 911.The few minutes it took for them to get there felt like forever, they went in the house and said it was too late. The didnt even try to resuscitate her. I spoke to the police and was sitting outside when I looked at my phone and noticed I had a text message and voicemail both from my mom. We live in a mobile home and dont get very good reception in our room so I didnt even have a missed call. I opened the text and all it said was "I love you" then I listened to the message and thats what is causing me the most pain out of everything, the voicemail said "beana please help me". Thats what made me lose it, she had died from acute intoxication due to the combined effects of morphine and ethanol. Her doctor had prescribed her the morphine $ith the oxycodone and she didnt tell me about it. It was ruled accidental so she didnt commit suicide but her message... She needed me and I was sleeping 20 feet away while she died. I dont know if she was coming to my room for help or what happened and I'll never know, all I have are those messages. I still live in her house and see that image everytime I walk out of my room. I keep thinking I could have, should have... It hurts so bad, my mom was all I've ever known, my family has never been in my life and now threy wont talk to me at all and my Aunt says its my fault. I feel like it is...

[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry for the loss of your mother. It's not your fault and don't let anyone put that on you. You've been doing the best you could under those circumstances.

[MidnightSparrow]

I am sorry for your lost

[lotusblossom19]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm so sorry for your loss and the traumatic way it occurred. Are you getting therapy? Perhaps a grief group might help you? I think a lot of hospitals and hospices offer them.

[ajpj1213]

I've been wanting to go to therapy but dont have the money to pay for it. Im not working because I hurt my back and have something going on with my lungs and just barely got to go to the doctor. Also, when I mention it, my husband makes it seem like I'm over reacting. He always makes me feel like I'm overreacting whenever I try to talk about how I feel. It hurts even more, I need him to be there for me but our marriage has gotten pretty bad since my Mom passed away. It wasnt very good before either. Everything is just so messed up right now, when my husband and I first started dating it was wonderful. He made me feel so special and important. Like he wanted me to be part of his life. He used to text all the time from work to see how my day was going. We used to do things together like work on the house, I really believed that he cared. A couple years ago everything changed and since my Mom passed away he never texts me, if I text him he'll answer 3 or 4 hours later if I'm lucky. He works later by a couple hours and even started working on the weekend. When I try to talk to him hes really snappy if he answers at all. And if I talk about my Mom and it makes me cry, he just stares at his phone. I feel so alone and dont understand why he's being like this in the time I need him most. I dont have many friends and my registration on my car is expired. He controls all the money since he makes it and wont give me the money to get it registered so I'm stuck in my Moms house everyday all day.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ajpj

I am so very sorry for your loses, and I understand all of this must have been/is devastating for you
As for your husband........maybe he's finding things hard.......maybe he just hasn't got it in him to give you what you need right now, I'm sorry.........but at least you've found here to talk

And as for your mom try to remember that you did all that you could, hey??
Those last messages...........to me..........those were a testament of the caring and love she felt for you and a real special bond between you despite the severely hard times you both went through separately and together.
And you know that alcoholism is a disease or an illness, depending on how you see it, and sometimes it takes away every single element of control someone/anyone can have over it.........sometimes there will be nothing anyone can do/or say to "make things better"/to temper the effects and the ultimate effects.......sometimes it just can't be fought........
What you did achieve though was something so very powerful.........you kept that deep down bond, you kept that love alight despite the alcoholism........and despite the difficulties and that is priceless, in the event of nothing else you could have done/anyone could have done that had to matter so very much
And maybe, if not now.........then in time..........you can feel that she is now at peace or released from the pain, while still remembering you both did have something real special.......beyond everything else........something that did truly matter deep down.
And you know that is still there for you, it's always going to be there for you to pull on........you can still feel the warmth of that even if she isn't there physically

And grieving can be real tough.........allow for your feelings, whatever they are, but also remember that you did what you could, and allow for any memories of good or touching moments between you and the knowledge that you had, and still have her in your heart

Alison

[CANDC]

ajpj1213 welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are having strains and stresses in your relationship. It does not sound like a good situation for you. I hope you find ways to keep yourself positive as much as possible. I do exercises, Tai Chi, yoga and mindfulness to help me. This is a series of mindfulness short videos that really help me understand mindfulness better.

[ebonileigh]

Yes, it's the way she died, I'm so very sorry, but, you did all that you possibly could, everything, you just need lots of support at this time, and time will heal, not completely of course, you were there to do whatever and that's what you did, try to stop beating yourself up, when people are on a self destructive path "hell bent" so to speak, what can one possibly do, therapy is really what you need, it's called the 'talking cure', and whilst it doesn't really 'fix' anything, it helps us to work through issues, get perspective and direction .........take care dear broken hearted one......you will recover

[ebonileigh]

you said that he won't give you the money to get your care re registered, I'm sorry but that sounds very much like he's controlling you, and he's avoiding you, by working longer hours during the week and on the weekends also, you said that's not how it used to be....I know that you're grieving over the loss of your mum, but, right now I'd be very concerned about the way he's treating you, sorry, don't want to alarm you, but that's sounds to me like he's beginning to control you, this is not good, I would suggest you 'confront' him about it, I know that it's not my business, but I recognise the beginnings, and I speak from experience, please let us know how things go, I am concerned for you.....

[Keyplayer]

Hi AJ ,

I am sorry for your loss , my heart and hopes go out to you.

I too have lost , and it hurts like hell , and the hard part is my mind will not accept that fact my mom dies 12 years ago and my dad 2 years.

I spend most of my days missing them both , but I can not grieve in a traditional sense.

I have never cried my *** off , it is all bottled up inside and thats not good , I know that.

When my mom dies my dad feel apart , so I didn't`t have time to grieve , I had to take care of dad.

When my dad died , it was it , just a huge void in my live.

My body is slowly dying , I know this , however there is little I can do.

When I found my dad passed out the Sun. before Thanksgiving 2014 , I check his vitals and he came to while I was and asked me to help him up. After checking for broken bones or other damage that would prevent me from moving him , I picked him up and asked what happened , he told me he slipped.

I wanted to take him to the hospital , but he said no , he was the boss , so I did not.

The following day we saw our orthopedic doctor and dad was structurally ok , however he suggested my dad see his cardiologist as soon as he could , we went the next day.

My dad had suffered a cardiac event that caused him to pass out , he did not slip.
A bunch of test were done and his heart was dying , and the doc told me age ( 101 ) and weakening of heart muscle had caused congestive heart failure , he died 6 months latter.

I can write about it , tell people about it , but no one seems to care.

Not one soul has stopped by in kindness since my dad past.

It`s like I don`t matter , or at least seems that way.

I am fortunate to know that I do matter , we all matter.

So here I am , writing this post looking towards another day in the fog.

I will tell you all , live , live the best way you can for as long as you can.

Comments and PM`s are all welcome.

Later guy`s.

Me 

[TerryL]

i'm so very sorry for your loss i also found my mom dead. she was on the floor by her bathroom. her hands were blue. i should have tried to give her cpr but i was in shock and froze. i just called 911. like your aunt, my sister blamed me for what happened. even the waiters at her favorite restaurant said why didn't i watch over her better? i felt so guilty for many, many years. all the should'ves and could'ves. i saw many therapists trying to feel better but it took a long time. you are in shock right now but please talk to someone to get your pain and guilt out else you will be stuck in your despair. even if you can't find someone to listen, just talk out loud to yourself, or post here or journal. try whatever way you can to get your feelings out. it's been nine years since my mom passed. i have worked hard at sorting out all that happened. i made mistakes, not intentionally of course, but my mother's decisions also played a factor in why she died the way she did. i have let go some of the guilt but i continue to work on coping with what is left. time has dulled the pain.

your mom's drinking, the root cause of why she even began drinking, your father's death, the ensuing grief, depression, plus the meds and probably other factors beyond your control, are what finally killed your mother. you tried very hard to keep your mother safe. you were a good daughter and there was so much love between you two. hold on to that love. don't feel bad that you didn't know your mother was reaching out for you at the end and that you feel you weren't there for her. i know if you had known, you would have rushed to her side. but that's just it, you didn't know. and i'm sorry no one was there for you afterwards especially your husband. sometimes it is hard for another person who has not gone through the same thing to understand our grief. and being the child of two alcoholics might complicate things even more. have you tried or considered grief counseling? some places do a sliding scale on their fees.

how are you feeling these days? we are here to listen so please post as much as you need. my thoughts are with you.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Keyplayer

Hi AJ ,

When my dad died , it was it , just a huge void in my live.

My body is slowly dying , I know this , however there is little I can do.

When I found my dad passed out the Sun. before Thanksgiving 2014 , I check his vitals and he came to while I was and asked me to help him up. After checking for broken bones or other damage that would prevent me from moving him , I picked him up and asked what happened , he told me he slipped.

I wanted to take him to the hospital , but he said no , he was the boss , so I did not.

The following day we saw our orthopedic doctor and dad was structurally ok , however he suggested my dad see his cardiologist as soon as he could , we went the next day.

My dad had suffered a cardiac event that caused him to pass out , he did not slip.
A bunch of test were done and his heart was dying , and the doc told me age ( 101 ) and weakening of heart muscle had caused congestive heart failure , he died 6 months latter.

Comments and PM`s are all welcome.

Later guy`s.

Me 

I am sorry for your loss. My dad was in a nursing home for 2 years. In the end he was in great pain for a week or two. But I have all them memories that came before that. Hope you find a way to work through the many layers of grief that bubble up.

[Keyplayer]

Thanks "Candc" , I really hope that someday I can enjoy life , but I don`t know how anymore. It seems the longer the time is the more pain there is. I guess I have a wound that even time will not heal.

Thanks for thinking of me. and thanks to all who read and cared or just even a passing thought , right now I need all the help I can get.

Take care guy`s , I`ll be here tomorrow , have a good evening.

Later

KP 

[Anonymous37919]

My condolences.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by ajpj1213

Thank you everyone for letting me know there's others out there that care. I didnt get a chance to really say whats going on so I thought I'd do that now as I can't sleep. Again. The past few years have been very hard on me. In july of 2014 I got a call saying my Dad had fallen down, was in the hospital and the doctors didnt think he was going to make it. It turned out to be liver failure and he lived for about a week. It was really heartbreaking watching him deteriorate so fast. The last couple days he was really confused and angry. He begged his wife not to have him cremated but she did it anyway and didnt have a funeral just a bbq. At that moment I thought it was the hardest thing I'd ever go through. After that my mom became very depressed, my dad was her best friend, they had been highschool sweethearts, and even though they weren't together anymore she was depressed, especially because my dads wife wouldn't let her see him before he passed. She also had a lot of pain in her back and hips from being a cosmetologist and for thelast few years her doctor had her on oxycodone. Both of my parents were alcoholics, my dad had to get a pacemaker and difibulator because of drinking and thats also what caused the liver failure. My moms drinking had gotten worse after he died to the point of missing work. She also started drinking and driving which caused her to wreck her car to the tune of 10000$ in repairs. There was nobody else else involved, in fact we dont even know where she wrecked but we searched the news asked the police nothing was reported. After that whenever she started drinking, I lived with her, I would take her keys and lock myself in my room with them so she couldn't get more alcohol. She would get mad, bang on my door and call me names but I didnt care because I didn't want her to get hurt or her to hurt anyone else. The day she died started live every other Sunday, she was pounding on my door at 7 am for her keys so she could go get donuts. My husband and I ate a couple donuts with her and went back to sleep. (we were up till 5 am cleaning up water that had overflowed from the washing machine and flooded the house.) a couple hours later I was woken up by loud music coming from outside. I found my Mom passed out in her car with the doors locked and the radio up really loud. I ended up getting her out of the car, she was wasted, and into her bed. I told her she needed to sleep for a while to sober up, she looked at me and had tears in her eyes and said she had been talking to my dad all morning. I got kind of mad and told her to stop using him as an excuse (she"d been drinking since I was a baby) and to go to sleep then went back to my room and back to sleep. My husband and I woke up a couple hours later and decided to go get ice cream. I opened my bedroom door and walked out to the living room and my husband went to the bathroom thats right next to our room. Thats when I saw my mom sitting in front of our refrigerator with her head rested against it. I thought great, she fell again and went to start the long process of getting her up and to her bed. I called out to her a couple times while walking towards her and she didnt respond so I shook her sholder and my heart jumped out ofmy chest. She was really cold and the side of her face was purple, I screamed for my husband and he came running. I grabbed my phone and called 911.The few minutes it took for them to get there felt like forever, they went in the house and said it was too late. The didnt even try to resuscitate her. I spoke to the police and was sitting outside when I looked at my phone and noticed I had a text message and voicemail both from my mom. We live in a mobile home and dont get very good reception in our room so I didnt even have a missed call. I opened the text and all it said was "I love you" then I listened to the message and thats what is causing me the most pain out of everything, the voicemail said "beana please help me". Thats what made me lose it, she had died from acute intoxication due to the combined effects of morphine and ethanol. Her doctor had prescribed her the morphine $ith the oxycodone and she didnt tell me about it. It was ruled accidental so she didnt commit suicide but her message... She needed me and I was sleeping 20 feet away while she died. I dont know if she was coming to my room for help or what happened and I'll never know, all I have are those messages. I still live in her house and see that image everytime I walk out of my room. I keep thinking I could have, should have... It hurts so bad, my mom was all I've ever known, my family has never been in my life and now threy wont talk to me at all and my Aunt says its my fault. I feel like it is...

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I hope you are getting professional help to work through it. This will not be one of those things you need to try to work out on your own. I found my dad after his suicide and it's not a thing you can get out of your head, especially still living at the location you found her. It's not your fault, nor was it mine. Please get some help with it.

[Misssy2]

i'm an alcoholic...and many times when I drink I get "emotional" and start texting and calling people. If your Mom felt like she needed help there was 911...that could have saved her and she didn't call.

Its no ones fault that she died...except the horrible disease of alcoholism.

I have almost died 2x in the last 3 years due to alcohol...and I knew I had a problem and struggled finding what to do about it. But, you took care of her the best you could...the level of care she needed was above YOUR payscale.

As far as your aunt...she needs someone to blame. Where was she thru the years your Mom was struggling? Ask her that.

As far as your husband...my answer to any husband/relationship question is when it is bad for SO LONG and one or the other is not WILLING to fix the relationship..its time to move on.

However, I understand the position you are in with money....and how much he controls your situation. My hope for you is that you have a friend or can find a way out and live somewhere else..even if it is in a domestic violence shelter...so you can start healing over the loss of your relationships and the great loss of your Mom.