[KUREHA]

Hi,

I have contamination OCD (Germs and AIDS) - but I've been thinking of something about a week now, it's about stabbing people with a knife.
It's just about people I don't know - because there's a kind of conspiracy against me, but a few days ago - it was a bit different.

It just kind of come into my head, but with someone different - so I kept like replaying it, but then I wondered why I wasn't bothered about it. It was about the psychiatric nurse - I've just started seeing.

So I though about my family and friends and it was like No - I'd never do that, so I thought about my psychologist and it was No - Never, for her as well - so that was good.

Now though I'm kind of confused about the ones I don't mind - I know I couldn't do it (well I don't think so) - my OCD would stop that happening, even if I wanted, I have a germ phobia.

But I just wondered why some didn't bother me, but with someone else it really does.
I keep thinking about it, but it's not like in the way I think about the germs or AIDS - I don't know if this is something I want to do or not.

Is it OCD or just like some kind of fantasy thing?

[TheHistorian]

I don't know if that's OCD or not(which I have btw).
I have visions of me fighting and delivering justice, where I slash people with swords or shoot them-(I also think I will need to fight eventually, but that's a different kind of vision.)-; but i think these particular ones might just be fantasies, as in reality I feel very hopeless, plus I'm always trying to control things that I can't, and it's sorta related to that maybe.

Then again I apparently have signs of psychosis; well I know I do, but sometimes I think the Mental Health Team are just narrow minded.

[TheHistorian]

Sorry if that last post didn't actually make any sense

[KUREHA]

Yeah it makes sense

The same as me - but in reality that's because of the type of OCD that I have.
I was thinking something like that last night - maybe I was trying to keep control in my mind at least - so thinking of stabbing people (just certain people anyway) was my way of doing that, if not then someone is making me think this.

They said that to me as well - you got referred to the Early Intervention in Psychosis team right?

[TheHistorian]

Yeah. I got kinda angry about it at first, because I was sure they were going to try and brainwash me or something. But my CPN says otherwise, so..we'll see

What do you mean by 'someone is making me think this'??
Sometimes I think there is some kind of Puppetear playing things out for me, Some kind of God. But I don't think he controls what I think, just situations around me, so I blame him for most things.
I got really upset recently when I'd been really thinking about why I could see things others couldn't, and concluded that I must be some kind of ghost-not quite dead, but not alive either. Like I was stuck somewhere, and that's why I felt so surreal most of the time.
I wasn't really scared about being this way, it seemed to make sense, but then I started thinking what if I'm real and alive, but noone else is. Like they are just puppets for this God thing to play with.
I don't know how I got on to this track but then I started panicking and was hyperventerlating.
I was sure that nothing was real, it was just an illusion, and I was infact alone. It was scary cause every time I looked at my mum (who was trying to calm me down) I burst out crying again, cause she wasn't really there, and only loved me because thats what the Puppetear told her to do.
I don't think this today, but I still worry about the Puppetear.
I know my mum is real now though.

I'm not quite sure how that last bit was entirely relevant to the conversation,
but it took a while to write so it can stay

Sorry if I sound freakish

[KUREHA]

Yeah I don't really agree with it either and I won't take the medication - I need to be able to think clearly.

Well the thing is - there is a light in the sky - not a star, venus or UFO lol, it's a camera and it's watching everything. I'm not totally sure about this, but I think it might be trying to control what I think.

I get what you mean about the Puppetear thing (although I don't think anything like that) and that sounds pretty hard - I get messages from the TV and other things I see, but that's more of a warning so I'm ready- which is helpful.

I've thought things like that before a few times - although mine wasn't that bad. I wasn't sure if I was the only real person - didn't want to leave the room incase I ended up some where else, so I was thinking about it and I thought maybe I was in a coma or something and I was just going through what I would normaly do - but that's passed now.

That would have been scary for you though.

lol no you don't sound freakish

[pegasus]

Psychosis.

((((((( KUREHA )))))))))

[KUREHA]

I told my nurse and now everyone I see - keeps asking me questions about it.

Now that she knows and other people - I think I've made a huge mistake telling her - they know everything and I can't trust them.

I don't know if I want to stab her or not - when I think about it - I really want to , in reality I don't think I could.
For some reason though - I really want to - or maybe I need to - I don't know which.

They keep mentioning medication - that I don't need - I need to keep my mind clear

Then there's the way she looks at me - there's definitely something not right - but I don't know what.
I'm getting really confused.

[TheHistorian]

I don't think they can force medication on you, not nowdays.
They're talking about it with me too, but when I got freaked out my CPN said they can't force it on me. so....

Did you actually tell the nurse you want to stab her??
I sort of accidentally told someone Michael was going to kill them the otherday. It felt good at the time though, me and Michael got really excited then we painted a picture.
The next day I didn't feel so good.

[KUREHA]

Yeah they can't - just as well really.
My psychologist told me that - I can trust her, not my CPN though.

I told her I was thinking about it - so next time I saw her she came with another nurse - that freaks me out - maybe next time just 1 of them, since it is my house.

Yeah that's what I thought - it seemed ok to tell her at the time - since we went out for as walk - now everyone wants to talk about it and it doesn't seem like such a good idea now.

[TheHistorian]

Yeh I got that with mine. I told her about what happened with my ex/'friend' & Michael, and what I said, and she went really serious.
I don't know what I was expecting, but when I was trying to say it out loud (what I'd done) I was trying really hard not to laugh (I dunno why it was funny but suddenly it was again), and then when I said it her face went all stern.
She kept saying she wasn't angry or dissapointed in me, but she was 'worried', which was equally annoying.
She kept looking over at my mum (I bring her sometimes cause I don't always talk), and then started talking about meds and 'do I know why it was wrong to threaten someone' etc etc.
I like her but I didn't like all the questions and weird looks.

Then when I got home I had to tell Dad, and he phoned up my ex's place to clean things up I guess. He was really nice to me though
But when we went for a drive later he started interogating me. Urgh.

Sorry, this is a pretty long rant.
I probably sound like a stupid child.

[TheHistorian]

Do you think CPNs/Psychologists etc look on here to check up on people??
Just a thought. Cause I told mine I found this site and she said I had to be careful.
You don't she'd check to see what I write about things and her do you??

[KUREHA]

Yeah I got so many questions and "if I were to act on my thoughts - do I know the consequences of my actions"

I can imagine you trying not to laugh and her getting all serious - because it's kind of like when I was talking to my CPN - she got all serious - because I was talking about it like it was nothing.

Mine seems nice - but I really don't trust her - my mam likes her - but I always ask my mam to go.

I really hope they don't check - no one knows I go on this site, I did tell my psychologist about another site I go on (I was talking about something on there) and she asked if she could read it - but she did say only if I was ok with it.
I don't think they will - but I'm not sure about that.

You don't sound stupid

[TheHistorian]

I get why my CPN was nervous about me going on this site-I told her it was sort of like facebook for people with mental health problems. I don't know if thats a great description of what it actually is but it's all I could think of.

She said I might be encouraged to believe things which aren't real, which I found pretty offensive seen as I know what she was referring to.
It's just nice to talk to people who (atleast I hope) don't think you're a freak or crazy.
Like I was talking to this girl the otherday on Chat, and she experiences really similar stuff to me, and believed that though somethings maybe are, not everything is in my head!

Do you ever go on the Chat bit??

[KUREHA]

My psychologist always said the same thing - that I'd read things that agree with what I think and it wouldn't help and that I'd get more paranoid (I do on another site - so she was right)

Yeah it is good to talk to people that understand and go through similar things.

I seen my psychologist today - she totally understands and I don't get any weird looks, she said my CPN just wants to help - so I'm trying to think about her differently - so I'm going to write something for her to read next week.

I've never been on chat - but I might check it out.

[TheHistorian]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

My psychologist always said the same thing - that I'd read things that agree with what I think and it wouldn't help and that I'd get more paranoid (I do on another site - so she was right)

Yeah it is good to talk to people that understand and go through similar things.

I seen my psychologist today - she totally understands and I don't get any weird looks, she said my CPN just wants to help - so I'm trying to think about her differently - so I'm going to write something for her to read next week.

I've never been on chat - but I might check it out.

It's good that your Psychologist understands you, and I'm glad you're trying to sort things out with your CPN-I hope it goes well.

I like the chat bit, it's good for support when you need it. It gets a bit manic though sometimes when there are too many people in one room.

[KUREHA]

I'll check it out - yeah they can get a bit confusing when there are a lot of people.

Thanks
I see my CPN on Tuesday so I've got plenty time to think of what to say - well how to say it, hopefully she won't be with the other nurse this time.

How have you been?

[TheHistorian]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

I'll check it out - yeah they can get a bit confusing when there are a lot of people.

Thanks
I see my CPN on Tuesday so I've got plenty time to think of what to say - well how to say it, hopefully she won't be with the other nurse this time.

How have you been?

Depends on what day. I'm very up and down and evil then loving etc.

Today was good and bad. I feel pretty OK now, I've just been making cards for people.
Earlier I saw my CPN with her daughter in a cafe I was at (with parents) and it turns out I know her daughter from when I went to college. I freaked out so I hid in the toilets and wouldn't come out till mum had sorted it. Then when I did I couldn't eat or drink anyway-so that was a fun day out.

I'm OK now but I'm thinking about how I'm gonna tell my friend (the only one whos stuck by me (or I haven't just pushed away) about things.
She knows about my OCD and depression, but she doesn't know much about the other stuff, and I've never told her about Michael. But she's friends with my ex so she probs knows stuff now, but she won't know it correctly, just what he's said, which might be bad.
So I'm going to phone her, I just don't know when. I'm thinking about it.

I just hope she hasn't allready made up her mind about me after what I said to my ex and whatever else he's told her.

[KUREHA]

Well I hope it goes ok with your friend - hopefully your ex didn't say too much.
I would hate that to happen - sorry it kind of spolied some of your day.

I'm still planning what to write to my CPN - I did have an awesome idea to prove something to her.

When I think of stabbing her - it's ok - in reality I don't think I'd get any further than pulling out the knife - to prove that to her I thought I could get a knife out to show her even though I'm holding it - I wouldn't do anything. If she isn't listening though - it could way wrong.

[TheHistorian]

Yeh I see where you're coming from with that, but I don't think she'd see it that way. She might be scared, cause she won't realise you're showing her that you WON'T actually stab her.
Don't be annoyed with me for bringing it down, I just think you'd get into trouble for it. They won't see what you're trying to prove/say, just that you have a knife-thats what I'm guessing anyway.
Please don't be upset.
I'm just trying to help.

[KUREHA]

It's ok - sometimes I probably don't think things through properly.
It's good because you're seeing it from both sides - I'm just seeing it from my side.
I just though it would be better to show her instead of just telling her, so she'd believe me.

Maybe I could write it down, then I could ask her.
I might just need to think about it a bit more

Thanks

[TheHistorian]

No Worries

[KUREHA]

Ok I've wrote an apology and I haven't thought of stabbing her since I saw my psychologist.
Now I feel really sorry for thinking that about her.

Decided to have the knife, but not hold it and I've wrote down why, so I think that should be ok.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Thanks again

[TheHistorian]

You're Welcome

Wish me luck with my CPN...I'm seeing her today-after that thing in the cafe.
I've just got her phone message and she says she wants a quick chat first

[KUREHA]

Oh, good luck with that then
I hope it goes well