Begging of the year I faint at the skating rink because an online freind of mine responds i a very distant manner not even acknowleding my birthday ,

then accuses me of being a stalker a threat to jis family and not sure what Im capable of doing .

says they are shutting doen my email . this makes the second time i two years they did this to me .

I was very hurt . still am . then I get cancer no response from my broher .
My other friend wh is a phone frien starts to treat me horivly doesn;t call doesn't anknowlede Im a friemd to others on his site /

friend who called me a stalker is very capable of being caring to others just not to me

distant punitive and accusing me of being provocative.

more grieving sadness anger

then my dog dies .
I have no family
On top of this I can;r be seen ay the Phychiatruc deart ment for adhd to get meds

ave no insurance

doctors want me to do chemo.

My friend who caled me a stalker doesn't reach out o me in my time of need.
Im hurting deeply.

then I read o the newest phyche central news letter that people with CANCER who are depresed are more like ly to die..

I don;t know a soul who has cancer that is not depressed .

I mean loking at your life ending possibly just aint fun especially when others are runing around planing thier lives like they wil live forever.


I guessim sunk

I cry every day Im in despair every day

I didn't realy ned to read that on the news letter to day.

what good does it do me if I can;r have help
or he person I love doesn;t care .

And now Im reading old phche notes about what bad person I am .
some days I think If I disapeared it wouldn't mater to anyone/

I hope I helped a few of you ,
I can;t take being here and being ingnored by my old friend.

Patricia

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by auroralso

Begging of the year I faint at the skating rink because an online freind of mine responds i a very distant manner not even acknowleding my birthday ,

then accuses me of being a stalker a threat to jis family and not sure what Im capable of doing .

says they are shutting doen my email . this makes the second time i two years they did this to me .

I was very hurt . still am . then I get cancer no response from my broher .
My other friend wh is a phone frien starts to treat me horivly doesn;t call doesn't anknowlede Im a friemd to others on his site /

friend who called me a stalker is very capable of being caring to others just not to me

distant punitive and accusing me of being provocative.

more grieving sadness anger

then my dog dies .
I have no family
On top of this I can;r be seen ay the Phychiatruc deart ment for adhd to get meds

ave no insurance

doctors want me to do chemo.

My friend who caled me a stalker doesn't reach out o me in my time of need.
Im hurting deeply.

then I read o the newest phyche central news letter that people with CANCER who are depresed are more like ly to die..

I don;t know a soul who has cancer that is not depressed .

I mean loking at your life ending possibly just aint fun especially when others are runing around planing thier lives like they wil live forever.


I guessim sunk

I cry every day Im in despair every day

I didn't realy ned to read that on the news letter to day.

what good does it do me if I can;r have help
or he person I love doesn;t care .

And now Im reading old phche notes about what bad person I am .
some days I think If I disapeared it wouldn't mater to anyone/

I hope I helped a few of you ,
I can;t take being here and being ingnored by my old friend.

Patricia

Patricia!!!

I've been trying to follow you but haven't been doing a very good job of it.

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I wondered what was going on with you.

I care about your state of mind.

I was wondering, is there a cancer support group in your locality that you can go to?

I lost my best friend to cancer 12 years ago. She had breast cancer that she ignored, you know, the "if I ignore it, it will go away" approach? She did the positive attitude, better nutrition thing and she lived well beyond what the doctors had predicted. When she had her mastectomy, they also removed part of her chest wall, the entire lymph node under her arm and, of course, her entire breast. But it had already metastasized. She withdrew her retirement money, researched and ate healthier, exercised, and kept a positive attitude and lived four years, which was considerably longer than the one-year-at-most that the doctors had given her. And she traveled.

The other thing she did was she created something that she wanted to accomplish. She set a goal. Her goal was to organize a viewing of the Aids Quilt. There is a quilt that had been pieced together and sent around the states to raise money for Aids awareness and research. She organized an event for that quilt to come to her little home town in Kansas. So, she created a purpose for her life.

We care about you, Aurora. You are in a terribly stressful spot right now. Please don't give up.

Is there any way you could get some local support? It would seem that there would be a group of people who could provide support for you IRL.
What do you think?

[(JD)]

Of course they will some element of depression with cancer. The scare of it alone can send someone tumbling downward in emotion. And you have surely had some very negative things occur in your life; I'm sorry to hear.

I found out about "friends" and "family" when I had my disabling injury. While I wished (and wish) they were in my life, I couldn't base my reason for living (or not) on an outside source like them.

You're deserving of the best life you can get...whether with cancer and without your "best" friend or not.

You are depressed, surely. Depression tells us lies. Don't listen. When you hear yourself say or think something negative, EVEN IF IT'S TRUE, counter it. Rephrase it to something else, not so negative, so it's dark effect doesn't make it in to feed the depression. Stop saying negative things out loud. It's tough enough to experience them and think them...but when we say them out loud, we truly give them power over us.

You are having such a tough time. I feel for you.

Yes! Yes! You need some goal, something that will give you a fighting spirit. You can use some help meditating, and visually creating "pacmen" to eat those cancer cells! I'm sure the American Cancer Society has resources online from which you can gain help.

Fight! Keep posting! Tell us what you want to do that you haven't tried yet. Tell us about your day, and how you think you can make it better. Small steps. PC members are with you.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((auroralso ))))))))))))))))))

I am sending you lots of hugs You are in my thoughts, I am sorry that you are going threw this hard time.

[Junerain]

I would like to be your friend, too, I feel I have been reaching out only to be rejected......I would love to be your friend, and I am the good kind to have

[Rmdctc]

I am sorry your feeling down. I do hope that things get better for you soon. Keep updating us and letting us know how you are because we all do care!

I readal your responses. Vickie I would love to be able to with draw my retirement . Not sure I would travel though.

PS. I have no retirement.....

I thought about taking a short vacation . Tjats what started this downward path.

The last time I did It was to the beach and I had my Dog thank goodness. It was the first vaction I planed and wen;t by myself .
It was lonely really .

more so than being here in town. For some reason looking at art or doing some others things woud make me be more aware of my aloneness.because most people do things with others not alone.
yet im used to doing things alone have for years,

If you can understand that

I know if I go on a vacation It wouldn't fix the wish for an intimate friend. to share it with.

and I can't conjure one up and they take time to develop.
Im not the kind of person who just hooks up .

Not sure Im making myself claer right now.

Sky , your post is vert up beat and caring , Thank you. made me for get my sadness for a bit. And yes there is this a[rtness when one gets ill . separation .

Im aware of it more . It used o be my eating dosorder, that now pales i comparison,

I'm just so vulnerable right now , not the time to begin a relationship but I think it may be what I need health wise. .

I exposed my self already .. don't see myself doing it again.

Junerain. I did pick up one of your messages on my new phone. I don;t have the energy to program this new phone, Im not meaning to reject you .

I love your heart picture.

I'm not feelinh my usual esteemed self for some reason.

it coud be loking back at al what was biend writen about me by a teem of terapists.
I was being talked about as some dagnosis ,Not a person. not me . very littleaws known about me .

I just didn;t share it then,

iI just wish I had a husband and family.a boy fireind right now.
And most all the ones in my online cancer groups have that
and thats whats most important in life,



I wish I could explain what Im experiencing right now.

You have to be there I think .



I know Night bird knows..



I wonder how Night birds doing...




.
Patricia

[Junerain]

(((auroralso))

I know what it is like to wish for a husband or boyfriend, that is the cry of my life, always in the back of my mind, wanting to know what a relation feels like, the mystery surrounding it is overwhelming, if I only had been at the right place at the right time, if I only was less eccentric, less independent, less manic at all times, the if only's...

I guess the answer is that there are no answers....I, too have had a devastating life, just devastating...I press on, but it is out of fear, fear that no one can relate to me, that I am just too different..

What you are going through is hard, I thought if I shared what I go through, (I really expressed myself thank you for giving on the opportunity to write it all out) you would feel a wee bit less alone in your feelings..

I will keep calling, keep calling, until your phone is magically programmed from the sheer love I have for you ((((auroralso))))

[eskielover]

(((((auroralso))))),

I have been thinking about you & how you are doing....I am sorry to hear that the depression has taken over so much.

Yes, when we end up at a point where our mortality is something we are forced to think about.....depression is a normal reaponse to it....not that we have ever thought about living forever, just never thought about the other as a possibility. Depression is alway a part of dealing with cancer, so for an article to suggest otherwise especially on a psych site....is foolish.

It is interesting how those who have had a permanent marriage relationship & are thankful to be out of it are in just the opposite place of those who haven't. Believe me, it isn't all the wine & roses that it is cracked up to be. I could never consider ever allowing anyone back into my life. Life is really wonderful alone with my 6 dogs.....I would never exchange my 6 dogs for a man ever again.

I know this probably sounds absolutely crazy, but maybe you could get another little puppy to love & care for....one that needs your love & needs to love as desperately as you need to love. For me, the unconditional love of my dogs has taught me more about real feelings, caring, & love than any human that has ever really touched my life.

This world is filled with many hateful, mean people.....I think we are lucky here on PC to be surrounded by as many loving & caring people as we are.

There are some people who are only good at being fair weather friends....how sad as they don't get to know the real person when they only deal with people at a very superficial level. Whether it's illness or just a person going through problems that they refuse to be a part of the life of others.....it is sad as I have found that in the worst time of trouble is when you really get to know how wonderful a person really is.

From Nightbirds posts, she is involved in many IRL support groups & that are helping her physically get through her cancer & mentally helping her keep her mind focused off of the depression that exists (not that is isn't there, but when we don't give ourselves time to dwell on it, it makes it easier to deal with & work through)

I know I have looked back at my life over the last 5 years & have a list similar to yours. I have lost almost everything from my past through some very horrible experiences.

I have told you about the trauma with the home care person that abused my Mother when she was dying from cancer. Not only abused her (& me) but stole all the family valuable jewelry that my Mother had been keeping (yes, they were jut things, but long time meaningful in the family things)

I found that when things get tough & you are trying to care for someone, everyone becomes very critical & then there is no one, no support, nothing.

I know that alone feeling even while being married.....it is definitey a feeling that is not just for the unmarried.

I finally sold my Mothers home & it was my escape from the life I couldn't stand anymore......moved 2200 miles away.

Great move....bought the home, had work done on it by incompetent people who cheated me out of doing a good job & charging too much money. I have to repaint every room & find someone to finish up the work the imcompetent guy started & messed up so bad.

The guy I paid to put up the fencing for my horses 2 years ago is still messing around getting it done.

The guy who I hired to put in my new heat pump unit ended up cheating me & putting in a bad outside unit which was miss matched I ended up finding out...the outide system is still bad, but the warranty isn't any good because of the two units are from different manufatcurers. He wasn't licenced in the first place & is judgment proof in court

When I drove back to California the first fall after moving here, with plans on bringing another load of my things, my truck was broken into when I stopped at a motel in Albequerque & the guy at the motel stole my id from the credit card & used & the bag they stole out of my truck with all my receipts also had my flute that was my means for relaxing.....& it had my life history with it from college when I was a music major...I played it at my Dad's funeral....Insurance only covered part of the value & ended up couldn't replace it as I needed the money for my medication that spring.

My husband came with me back to my farm that Christmas, only to end up kicking him out 2 weeks later.

The day before my birthday that February, I got a letter from the IRS about all the back taxes my husband had mesed up on with my inheritance.....huge amount of money & by that time, there was no money to pay them with...& he had been hiding the fact that he received a letter from them almost a year before.

I was stressing with a new pain specialist at my new home, trying to get him to continue with the prescription I was on in California & then trying to afford it when the insurance hit the point where I had to pay the whole $1400/month (that's where my flute insurance money went).

My oldest eskie died (my first eskie that I had spent so many years with & did everything with when I was dealing with my really bad depression in the late 1990's)....the worst part was that his death was my fault....if I hadn't been careless it never would have happened.

I am still living here 2 years later without any furniture & without my horses which was the whole purpose of moving here in the first place.....kicking myself because some of the problem was my own fault by not budgeting better than I did.

The church I joined here hasn't been supportive at all....as if I was invisable.....but the other wonderful people I have met have been there even though there has been some issues to work through & turned out ok.

There is no way with your list of things that you have gone through & are going through that you wouldn't be experiencing depression. My list is no where close to yours & I know that when I stop to think about my situation, that is when depression hits.

The important thing to realize however is that the past is over, the people who were mean are gone. We need to let go of the things of the past that we can't do anything about or control how the people were or how they acted. We need to be thankful in a way that they are out of our lives so we don't have their mean spirits around us when we need to be filled with positive energy (they would only make us more unhappy than we already feel)

There are times when we get to a point where we know we can't change anything else.....we have to take where we are & make it our new beginning.......

this is a nightbird quote from one of her latest posts

*So, it's a time to revise. To give up some stuff and make room for something new... to go with whatever will be my new normal.

It's not that easy to throw out the list of bad things from the past, but we need to cover up the list with a new positive list in the now & the future.

Fill our lives with all the positive energy we can come up with & all the positive people we find in our life now & kick out all the junk from the past.....we are now a new life & like nightbird said.....we now have a new normal & nothing else belongs in our life.

I wish you could find some wonderful IRL support groups where you could share your emotions with. Online is good, but there is something about the real interface that seems to help even more, so your past can start to fade into grey & blur, at least for the time you are feeling positive with the wonderful people around you. When the soul lightens up, the mind lets go of some of the weight that the depression has been loading on.

I know it's soon after loosing your doggie, but I know for me, there is nothing more wonderful than when I am snuggling with my eskies. When I get that sweet kiss on the nose just as I am going to sleep at night, knowing that their love is real unconditional love that I return just as unconditionally....it is amazing how healing that feeling is both physically & mentally.

I know we work hard at keeping ourselves from getting into the depression slump.....but there are times when it just can't be avoided until we do something to make a change & kick start a "new normal".

Even when life is feels impossible, it can still be good & we still can find our happiness when we refuse to let the darkness of the past take over.

We all are here for you & here to give you encouragement.....know you can get out of this depression you are in at the moment & find your "new normal" also.


Debbie

Originally Posted by Junerain

(((auroralso))

I know what it is like to wish for a husband or boyfriend, that is the cry of my life, always in the back of my mind, wanting to know what a relation feels like, the mystery surrounding it is overwhelming, if I only had been at the right place at the right time, if I only was less eccentric, less independent, less manic at all times, the if only's...

Theres nothing wrong with you Junerain . I think you are someone who has so much love .

like that picture you had of the woman and the man in the rain.

and i think you don't meet people who can match that kind of energy and are a bit afaid of your energy.

We needed parents that were huggy kissy warm hugs gleeful smiles happy and joyus and free.at least "SOME " of the time...

We had that .as children , gave it , and it was tossed aside rater tha mirrored back . We may have lost it . But some of us keep it...and myself greive and long for what I did not recieve from my older ill parents.

Or to busy with life parents..

Unfortunately you get to visit and longing hope for that hug , that acceptance.

And you may never get it June, but keep on being you .

Thinking of images...

I awoke with a dream this morning of one set of ocean waves . I can't find
an image to match .

heres a few .

I will keep calling, keep calling, until your phone is magically programmed from the sheer love I have for you ((((auroralso))))

awe Junerain can you morph into kind eyes , nice grin , sixfoot , broad shoulders , and M-Angelo gams and abs for me ?

The heart wave is for you..

Patricia

Originally Posted by Rmdctc

I am sorry your feeling down. I do hope that things get better for you soon. Keep updating us and letting us know how you are because we all do care!

You tickle me a bit because I do not know you but you always show up in my posts.

Thank you..

Originally Posted by eskielover

(((((auroralso))))),
Depression is alway a part of dealing with cancer, so for an article to suggest otherwise especially on a psych site....is foolish.

after thinking about it a bit more I have to agree with you Debbie.

I think hearing about Patrick got to me a bit and I don't know all the ins and outs about how articals get choosen for the news letter or who does it or if they are just the hot topics of the moment . I know others here get triggered .

I usualy get alot out of many of the articals and even get a laugh or two

like swearing is considered good for pain...


as for the artical on cancer. Most are hoping for no reoccurances . And Im just tried of having to suck it up for fear of being considered "dramatic:"


Im also a bit weary of having doctors tell l me I need family and friends in order to make it.

I can;t produce a family . as in grow a new one .

It is interesting how those who have had a permanent marriage relationship & are thankful to be out of it are in just the opposite place of those who haven't. Believe me, it isn't all the wine & roses that it is cracked up to be. I could never consider ever allowing anyone back into my life. Life is really wonderful alone with my 6 dogs.....I would never exchange my 6 dogs for a man ever again.

Yes I understand this Debbie. I have this thought flutter through my mind often . remembering some past relationships that were .....

lacking enough for me to not want one .

not that they couldnt have been worked on in hindsite, Ive never had couples or famiy conseling . I think great things can be achieved with willing partners.

I have to say lately .. And Im trying to remeber this ..
Id like to beable to just be with someone and not have to say a word and just sit and hold hands and look at a sunset .

and be abe to hold onto that through out a relationship as being more than enough. companionship ...

I know this probably sounds absolutely crazy, but maybe you could get another little puppy to love & care for....one that needs your love & needs to love as desperately as you need to love. For me, the unconditional love of my dogs has taught me more about real feelings, caring, & love than any human that has ever really touched my life.

I would love to Debbie .. and Id love to have six of them ...

Since I was asked to move three years ago ,

i wondering if i should go ahead and get one .

I cannot leave a dog alone at home everday .. and I cannot afford two dogs .
and My landlord who does not know I have cancer .. stil wants me to move .

I can;t afford a house and I can;t afford to move to a higher rent ,

with some new expenses and a higher rent already Im barely making it .
and Im not working as much . I had to dropped one client this summer .

just not sure I shoud get another one.. but I DO want one and it would be really good for me to have one... especially now...

I finnally got in touch with my old breeder , they are still breeding ,not having a litter til spring ..

i was hoping for a winter puppy...
Im afraid it will cost about 800.00 or more.

I don;t know what the future is going to bring. I'll keep looking at the adoptions.

.

sad as I have found that in the worst time of trouble is when you really get to know how wonderful a person really is.

this is true.

From Nightbirds posts, she is involved in many IRL support groups & that are helping her physically get through her cancer & mentally helping her keep her mind focused off of the depression that exists (not that is isn't there, but when we don't give ourselves time to dwell on it, it makes it easier to deal with & work through)

I belive there is only one cancer support group here and its for breast cancer. I have not looked into it,

Im not sure Im depressed I think I doing some big time grieving ..and wanting to do somethings I have not done and finding I have not the money to get assitance nor just take off and go do things,

alot of self pity I think and a bit of strugging with others i told you so you have only yourself to blame voices haunting me from some on line support groups.

lots of sadness in many areas.

I have told you about the trauma with the home care person that abused my Mother when she was dying from cancer. Not only abused her (& me) but stole all the family valuable jewelry that my Mother had been keeping (yes, they were jut things, but long time meaningful in the family things)

a man woud steal the famiy jewels...

its just poor taste . unfortunately jewlry is pawnable .

the fall /winter I was being evicted ( I think in 2006/7) and was taking things I had hoped to make some money on to an auction . I had my one year old back pack leaf blower stolen . I had it laying under a tarp because I had to unload my truck .

I think one of the trash crew took it . I recall being woken up by the sound of a trash truck about 5 am the morning I discoved it missing

I made this HUGE sign that said

"To the Lowlife who took my new 500,00 leaf blower..
why don;t you just come take everything...... "

and I meant it.... it was how I felt that everthing was being taken from me ..

funny Im wondering what more is down the road....

I know that alone feeling even while being married.....it is definitey a feeling that is not just for the unmarried.

I realize this..

ive never been married nor have i lived with a man other than had a room mate in a house a couple of times while in colledge.

I do like my autonomy ... i just have a bit too much of it...

now I have looked back at my life over the last 5 years & have a list similar to yours. I have lost almost everything from my past through some very horrible experiences.

I finally sold my Mothers home & it was my escape from the life I couldn't stand anymore......moved 2200 miles away.

Great move....bought the home, had work done on it by incompetent people who cheated me out of doing a good job & charging too much money. I have to repaint every room & find someone to finish up the work the imcompetent guy started & messed up so bad.

nice that you could do that... move away and buy a house... about those lousey painters..

I had one who said she was a proffesional....

and she didn;t even finish her work . and boy was she sloppy . had paint all over her face.
I can't find the photo of her I think I got tired of loking at her sorry face.

Il have to finish the corner ..Myself...

I 'm finding if I want a job done right I best try to do it myself,...

The guy I paid to put up the fencing for my horses 2 years ago is still messing around getting it done.

he sounds just like my painter..probably leaves his tools and debri behind on the ground. I was always having to pick up after her thank goodness she worked for cheep. ...LOL!!!!

[quote]
When I drove back to California the first fall after moving here, with plans on bringing another load of my things, my truck was broken into when I stopped at a motel in Albequerque & the guy at the motel stole my id from the credit card & used & the bag they stole out of my truck with all my receipts also had my flute that was my means for relaxing.....
[quote]

this is so sad . I woud be hoping mad . furious!!!!! that sounds very scary about the recirpts . And the flute is irrepacable . I hope they were not able to use the card . the credit card companies are very good about placing a hold . But theres no way to get a replacement card qucikly. Ive lost a walet or two . and one was right in front of my face for a good week . walked right by it many times a day.

Ill bet it was nice being in New mexico? or is it Mexico... . how unfortunare somethig like that spoiled a promising time for your future.

I have wanted to see some adobe homes. . Being a woman alone can make you easy prey. Il bet you didn;t have a dog or two with you .. If a dog is in the truck its much safer . I never had to lock my truck because my girl was the best watch dog .

I think you were VERY brave making all those changes ..traveling alone like that . and moving.

I got a letter from the IRS about all the back taxes my husband had mesed up on with my inheritance.....huge amount of money & by that time, there was no money to pay them with...& he had been hiding the fact that he received a letter from them almost a year before.

I was stressing with a new pain specialist at my new home, trying to get him to continue with the prescription I was on in California & then trying to afford it when the insurance hit the point where I had to pay the whole $1400/month (that's where my flute insurance money went).

lots of betrayal Debbie .

My oldest eskie died (my first eskie that I had spent so many years with & did everything with when I was dealing with my really bad depression in the late 1990's)....the worst part was that his death was my fault....if I hadn't been careless it never would have happened.

I hope you can rewrite that one about being careless. I too have ligering horrer about my maybe causing my gilrs death.

I was not suposed to lift anyhting . I tried my best to help her out of the truck . she was weak and just sat down but got right up .
and then went over to the Holly tree.

I t kept haunting me that maybe her spine fractured ..

she died within an hour and a half at most

I know I shouldn;t think that way .. i t was so traumatic for me the whole thing..

I was so glad that I was saying good by for the two months previous because I knew she was failing .
I had some very deep talks with her about how much she meant to me and my deep love for her and how she blessed my life every day. and that I hopped she woud be with me durring my time with cancer .. I look back that she had her 14 bithday the day after I got my diagnosis,


the loss of our dogs for some of us can be greater than the loss of a dysfunctional abusive parent.

they never betray us.

I am still living here 2 years later without any furniture & without my horses which was the whole purpose of moving here in the first place.....kicking myself because some of the problem was my own fault by not budgeting better than I did.

wel you still have a house and your horses.. thats alot to be grateful for .

maybe even more than those who took from you.

The church I joined here hasn't been supportive at all....as if I was invisable.....but the other wonderful people I have met have been there even though there has been some issues to work through & turned out ok.

I find it hard to ask for help actually . when I called the United waay to see if I could get some help with my apartment I was speach less when the answering machine kicked in , Its not my style to need physical help. when I told my doctors my place was not in good condition for me to be having chemo they flipantly said you can get help for that.

I have made sveral phone calls and the help is not there .

I guess my idea of staring a suport group may be the only solution left .
I have high minded ideas for that one .. or is it grandious...

I know that when I stop to think about my situation, that is when depression hits.

I think this is the key thought .. Its best not to thinik .. Its so simplistic ..

The important thing to realize however is that the past is over, the people who were mean are gone.

what they did in the moment is indeed past but not forgoten ,
and I do want to change it if possible .

We need to let go of the things of the past that we can't do anything about or control how the people were or how they acted. We need to be thankful in a way that they are out of our lives so we don't have their mean spirits around us when we need to be filled with positive energy (they would only make us more unhappy than we already feel)

forgive them for they know not what they do ..is really great advice.

this is a nightbird quote from one of her latest posts

It's not that easy to throw out the list of bad things from the past, but we need to cover up the list with a new positive list in the now & the future.

Fill our lives with all the positive energy we can come up with & all the positive people we find in our life now & kick out all the junk from the past.....we are now a new life & like nightbird said.....we now have a new normal & nothing else belongs in our life.

Thanks for remembering her sage advice. I do dwell too much on past grievences and misspercieved projections from others .


I have done my share of the above.

I do work hard on clarity.

I wish you could find some wonderful IRL support groups where you could share your emotions with. Online is good, but there is something about the real interface that seems to help even more, so your past can start to fade into grey & blur, at least for the time you are feeling positive with the wonderful people around you.

thanks maybe your thoughts will have such an effect.

but I know for me, there is nothing more wonderful than when I am snuggling with my eskies. When I get that sweet kiss on the nose just as I am going to sleep at night, knowing that their love is real unconditional love that I return just as unconditionally....it is amazing how healing that feeling is both physically & mentally.

yep , I agree, today I got to smooch a chocklet lab puppy as well and say hello to my clients balck lab who loves me lots.

I have been geting closer to volunteering at our no kill shelter . to tie me over till a new dog becomes clearer. I have thought about offering to pet sit this winter I did some pet sitting before I got my girl.
i wish i coud foster . but my place is not big enough and Im not home enough and I m not sure about bringing a new dog to work with me .

I do miss dogs at my side. They bring out my inner strength I feel wild and free and woodswomanly when they are around. and I love that feeling .
with out my girl the natural world is not as vivid and I miss out on little surprises she would point out.each day.




.

Originally Posted by auroralso

About lousey painters..

I had one who said she was a proffesional....

and she didn;t even finish her work . and boy was she sloppy . had paint all over her face.
I can't find the photo of her I think I got tired of loking at her sorry face.

Il have to finish the corner ..Myself...

hey Debbie I found her picture. And she had the audasity to point out a few speacks on a glass of tea I gave her ..

whats up with that? OCD im thinking... A real provocative stratgist . I learned she'd do anything to overide boundries . At least thats what I was told by others to watch out for. And she would pit me against her friends and accuse me of things I NEVER did.

and all I was trying to do was assert my boundries... did nothing wrong at all. I warned all my friends to be on the look out for her ..

She was nice to my dog Ill say that much for her. Her pathology is just so great..I and most are cautiously optomistic there is hope for her to change.

Maybe if one day she gets cancer like myself she will see the light. Im thinking ... and make the changes she so despartely need to make .
I hope Im not focusing on her as in obssesed... i can do that..

i feel so sorry for her .. untill she changes, Im told she will stay her painterly self and be alone the rest of her days...having people complain about her and always picking up afterwards...






Patricia

It just occured to me ..
that all this runing around

that I don;t have my affairs in order.

No will

911 is my emergencey contact.

I don;t know where my life insurance policey is

I know my brother is on the policey

but based on his not contacting me.. after i tild him I have cancer

and based on how he has treated me ovee the years I thik its best as of now to not let him know what happens to me from this point on and to not have him on my policey

Im not sure who shoud be responsible for al this carp of mine ,

and my therapist mentioning why do I want to get meds for ADHD.do I want a..

BOOST?

and boy ..

my gp doctor when I tried to talk to her about how I was so frustarted with not geting help for meds.
her response was to make sure i got to the emergencey roon if I felt like hurting someone else or myself.

at this point

i wish ,.. the people I interact with would just npt say this to me ...

i wish someone would se me as whole

not as a diagnosis

a label thats my wish

I wish I were not so forthcomming

Im thinking shpould I cash in my 3000 dollar life insurance for a 1000?

it woud be responsible to not and to designate someone to take care of my mess.

but I don;t know who shoud do that.
I was thinking maybe I should find out

what happens to homeless people when they die

I mean any of us could get injured .
Im not ready.

and right now this all sadens me greatly


I feel so ineffective

that all Ive done is so selfish and sef centered ,

just grabing grabing

I have so little ..
yet i cling to it.

I don;t like loking at what the end of my life would be like as it exists today.

Patricia

[lbms21x]

I can some what relate to your feelings. I dont have cancer but did have a cancer scare and might have one once again. I had to have scrotum surg and they found out that what i had was not scar tissue not a huge deal just make it hard to have kids which at the time not the coolest but could manage. I just broke up with my girlfriend that i was going to ask to marry me with the week we broke up. then pain from my scrotum came back in a diff spot and now have to go back in to surg but there was no scarring there before but lumps have formed. I need help from someone really really bad yesterday and i kept calling diff ppl i know and thought were my friends but not one of them even answered their phone for me. I tried to text and same thing said i need a fav really bad please help and again not one person cared. so to be honest i said screw them im finding new ones ones that i can count on. its kinda helping and hurting at the same time have trouble finding new friends but its fun meeting new ppl. Id say get out and find those new ppl forget the old ones. There are always ppl that care you almost just dont know until your gone, I OD on coke not that long ago and was in the hosp found out that many ppl really did care they were just to busy in there life to really show it to me. Hang in there way cooler ppl will come along, well thats what im hoping for the both of us

[Junerain]

((((auroralso))))

You have not led a selfish life, you have touched people here at PC with all your empathy, now it is time for us to touch you with ours...

this is a real hug

[eskielover]

(((Patricia)))

hey Debbie I found her picture. And she had the audasity to point out a few speacks on a glass of tea I gave her ..

Love the picture of your painter.....compared to the splatters all over her face, don't think the speacks on the glass of tea amounted to much.

I feel so ineffective
that all Ive done is so selfish and self centered ,
just grabing grabing
I have so little ..
yet i cling to it.

Definitely not the picture I get......I see you as kind & caring person, filled with an overflowing amount of love, trapped in a world of mean, uncaring & cruel people.

You are definitely not grabbing & no one should make you feel that way. There is nothing wrong with having things to enjoy in life. When we are able to have a few things that we enjoy, it's a picture of appreciation, not of grabbing.

It just occured to me ..
that all this runing around

that I don;t have my affairs in order.
No will
911 is my emergencey contact.
I don;t know where my life insurance policey is

Im thinking shpould I cash in my 3000 dollar life insurance for a 1000?
it woud be responsible to not and to designate someone to take care of my mess.
but I don;t know who shoud do that.
Im not sure who shoud be responsible for al this carp of mine ,
I mean any of us could get injured .
Im not ready.

I was thinking maybe I should find out
what happens to homeless people when they die

and right now this all sadens me greatly

I don;t like loking at what the end of my life would be like as it exists today.

I think with the news it starts our mind thinking about things like this even without cancer. Think I am filled with too much optimism, but I don't think I would worry about these things at this point, until I really knew there was a reason to take the action even knowing that accidents can happen. I think at this point is would only add to the negative thoughts you are being surrounded by & filled with which are only tearing at you right now. I think you need to focus your energy on & keep ONLY positive thoughts for your healing going right now & push out & get rid of the negative ones.

Throwing you a life preserver & a life boat filled with love , good thoughts, your own personal angel, & an army of tough guys to fight off the bad thoughts to keep you afloat during this rough time.
((()))

I know my brother is on the policey

but based on his not contacting me.. after i tild him I have cancer

and based on how he has treated me ovee the years I thik its best as of now to not let him know what happens to me from this point on and to not have him on my policey

Maybe you could put a good charity down a beneficiary....that would be a good positive move also & would be taking your negative brother out of the picture.

and my therapist mentioning why do I want to get meds for ADHD.do I want a.. BOOST?

and boy ..
my gp doctor when I tried to talk to her about how I was so frustarted with not geting help for meds.
her response was to make sure i got to the emergencey roon if I felt like hurting someone else or myself.

at this point
i wish ,.. the people I interact with would just npt say this to me ...

I learned also that the Dr's caring for us don't really know how to care for us during the really tough times. It seems that part of the requirement for being a Dr/psychologist/T, is to be insensitive.
When I caught the home care person doing all the horrible things, I called my pdoc (my psychologist wasn't available at the time with back surgery),for advice on how to handle the situation....he told me I probably wasn't seeing things accurately because of the extreme weight loss I was experiencing & that it effects your mind. WTF???? I don't care how sick I feel which was why I wasn't able to eat, I know what I see & what people are doing to me & cut phone chord after catching on the phone appying for a credit care with my Mothers ID & the police accusing me of abusing my Mother were definitely NOT a hallusination!!!! He thought that things like that couldn't possible happen & I was making up the whole thing....like I had never made up anything in all the years I had been seeing him....it wasn't even close to any DX. I was so hurt by his comment couldn't even say anything. The temporary psychologist I was seeing at several months later while my psychologist was out with back surgery, trivialized what happened by comparing it to the bottle of wine that she had wanted from her Grandmothers home that ened up missing. NO WHERE CLOSE in comparison. They are all a bunch of insensitive, rude idiots in my book.....your Dr & T included. They should just not way anything if all they can say is hurtful things....sad thing is that they don't even know they are hurting us (how insensitive can they be???? Wonder how they would take if if they were treated the same way when they face bad times in their life?). I always feel that they will get theirs in the end for being so mean.....it will be returned to them & they will find what it's like when people are mean to them.

i wish someone would se me as whole
not as a diagnosis a label thats my wish

I wish I were not so forthcomming

It's not too much to expect to be treated with respect & care, especially by professionals that are supposed to know better....it is not about you being so forthcoming.....we should be able to be open & able to express what our needs are without being treated in such a manner. It is the health care professionals that are lacking & we should not have to be less of a patient because of it. Don't change what is right about you just because of the wrong way Dr's have of handling their care.....we need to fight the systen rather than cave into it. "And dats da trut!!!!"

Just want to fill you with beautiful, peaceful, loving, kind, & wonderful thoughts to take away your sadness. Know how much you are cared about

Originally Posted by lbms21x

I had to have scrotum surg and they found out that what i had was not scar tissue not a huge deal just make it hard to have kids which at the time not the coolest but could manage.

I just broke up with my girlfriend that i was going to ask to marry me with the week we broke up.

then pain from my scrotum came back in a diff spot and now have to go back in to surg but there was no scarring there before but lumps have formed.

I need help from someone really really bad yesterday and i kept calling diff ppl i know and thought were my friends but not one of them even answered their phone for me. I tried to text and same thing said i need a fav really bad please help and again not one person cared.

so to be honest i said screw them im finding new ones ones that i can count on. its kinda helping and hurting at the same time have trouble finding new friends but its fun meeting new ppl.

Hi..................

[quote=eskielover;1145041](((Patricia)))

Love the picture of your painter.....compared to the splatters all over her face, don't think the speacks on the glass of tea amounted to much.

careful Now.....