[SophiaG]

Well, I'm just going to be honest in this thread.

I don't know what help people can give to me really. I've found that over the years of being in college that I just dont have the motivation or the desire to do well. I mean, it upsets me that I dont do well, i just...dont do well.

I just cant seem to get myself on a schedule or to make myself care about my assignments, no matter how hard I try.

Is this called laziness? Some might call it apathy.

I guess so.

It causes me a great deal of pain that this seems to be pretty much my personality. I'm nice, I make a great friend, but I have no ambition, motivation or drive in life.

It's funny, I was an honors student in high school. But I guess that was a result of having nurses and interpreters around me to push me to do my work.

I'm probably going to get a lot of hate on this thread. People saying stuff like "just do DO things".

I feel like I cant though. I looked deep within myself to see if I have what it takes to just like...have a decent amount of motivation in life and I just dont have it. I wish I did.

Because without it I'm pretty much worthless as a human being. I'm a net-drain on those around me. I hurt those around me by being Lazy. In fact, it'd probably be better if I never was born at all if this is my inherent nature.

[lynn P.]

Hi Sophia,
one good thing is, you know you're smart because you were on the honor role before. Although most of your lack of motivation might come from depression -do you think you like what you're studying?

[SophiaG]

I do like what I am studying. I dont understand why I "dont care"

I dont understand why I continually lie to myself "Oh you have plenty of time to do it"

or just sabotage myself basically by not doing it.

I just dont want to do work I think. Ergo, Laziness.

And yeah, I used to think it was depression, but now I dont buy that explaination anymore even though I know I do have depressive tendencies.

No one and I mean No one is going to have patience for me saying "i am depressed" if my grades come back bad this semester. I'm not even going to have patience for myself if it happens again. In fact, all I'll feel is self loathing.

I'm very good at like...instant gratification sort of things like not doing homework or studying. But horrible, absolutely horrible at long term things.

I hate myself.

[lynn P.]

Please don't hate yourself. Do you have a planner and a big calender to plan things out? Sometimes I'll treat myself like a child - meaning I won't get to do something pleasurable until I fulfill a much needed task. Are you distracted easily? What do you do when you're not in school? If you're on the computer or video games for example - restrict yourself and set the timer and say "I'm going to devote 1 hr to ........" Incorporate a certain amount of time daily to school.

[la doctora]

Are you seeing a T for your depression? Do you have anyone that is understanding of your situation to talk to? I tend to have the same issues you are dealing with right now. I have motivated days and unmotivated days. The unmotivated days out number the other by far. I beat myself up for my "laziness" too. Although I think it is only the depression causing this. lynn P.'s idea of rewarding yourself is a good one. I have actually done this to help me get work done and even to break other bad habits. It is hard bc we are our own worst enemies but it does seem to help sometimes. I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Please don't hate yourself. Do you have a planner and a big calender to plan things out? Sometimes I'll treat myself like a child - meaning I won't get to do something pleasurable until I fulfill a much needed task. Are you distracted easily? What do you do when you're not in school? If you're on the computer or video games for example - restrict yourself and set the timer and say "I'm going to devote 1 hr to ........" Incorporate a certain amount of time daily to school.

Yeah I probably do have to treat myself like a child since I'm pretty much acting like one. No self-control or discipline, or just...very little of these.

I am distracted and tempted easily. even if I do sit in a no-distraction environment I tend to get distracted by my own thoughts or like my cell phone. I dont know if that is normal or not though.

I dont have a timer, but it probably wouldnt be a bad idea.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by la doctora

Are you seeing a T for your depression?

No but I have an appointment on Thursday and I'm taking ADD medicine.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. So, maybe I just need to try something else.

But I keep getting this sneaking suspicion that i'm just not mature enough for college. That, I need to grow the **** up somehow.

i've been going to an AA group (no i dont drink) for support so I dont feel so crushingly lonely and it's been helping somewhat. It kept me from hurting myself on Friday, going to one of those meetings.

I dont know. Maybe working the 12 steps will help me, though I know my mother would never ever approve of me being around alcoholics.

I cant seem to make friends, i'm very isolated, and have little motivation.

Ahhh.

I wish everything would just change. like, POOF, be magically fixed and cured and I could just live life like a happy, normally motivated, person with a few friends she could confide in and if i am lucky find a nice boyfriend to love her.

A person who wasnt labled as being emotionally unstable, or lazy, or weird because she doesnt have any friends and her grades are poor and she exhibits weird behaviors like gesturing to herself, picking her forehead or drooling. (the last one I cant help)

That is my dream. That is my ideal. I dont need to get my Phd. I just...I need to learn to be an adult and live a normal happy life emotionally, intellectually and socially without going through periods where I just want to not exist and have to resist hurting myself by curling up into a little ball and trying not to cry.

[perpetuallysad]

I think it sounds like depression, like Lynn said. You said you did well in high school because you can people 'pushing' you to do the stuff...do you think you could join a study group or something like that? Maybe if you had a more structured study environment and "competition" you may be more inclined to get things done. When I was in college my best friend was in the same field as me and we took many/most of the same classes. This provided both of us someone to compete with and to work with on things, especially the hard stuff. We were always the top 2 in the class and I think we helped each other achieve this by doing our work together, for the most part. Also, (I'm not sure if this is healthy competition or not) it would burn me up to think of her getting "ahead" of me, so I worked to make sure she didn't. Does that make any sense? Is there someone or a group of people in your field you could do homework with daily, or every few days? And Lynn's suggestion of the calendar is something I also did, it can be very helpful, as is the reward system.

[lynn P.]

That's a great idea Perpetuallysad about finding a study buddy where you'll be accountable to someone. You mention the cell phone being a problem. I get worried the way people are so attached to their cell phones - my husband a prime example. You should shut it off when you doing school work. Do you live at home? If you do, think about when you won't be able to live at home -meaning you need to be realistic and think, "I need this education so I can become self sufficient one day." The last thing you want is to be stuck in a mundane job - right? So to avoid being stuck in a low paying ,boring job, you need to puit some effort into studying. How about you go study right now lol.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

How about you go study right now lol.

haha going.....

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

haha going.....

Good for you girl

[FooZe]

Hi again, Sophia! If there's one thread I see running through your last few posts, it's that you're trying to apply someone else's standards to yourself, not feeling much like meeting those standards, and cracking down on yourself for it, apparently to little avail:

Originally Posted by SophiaG

Worthless

Originally Posted by SophiaG

Is this called laziness? Some might call it apathy.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I looked deep within myself to see if I have what it takes to just like...have a decent amount of motivation in life and I just dont have it. I wish I did.

Because without it I'm pretty much worthless as a human being. I'm a net-drain on those around me. I hurt those around me by being Lazy. In fact, it'd probably be better if I never was born at all if this is my inherent nature.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I just dont want to do work I think. Ergo, Laziness.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I'm very good at like...instant gratification sort of things like not doing homework or studying. But horrible, absolutely horrible at long term things.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

Yeah I probably do have to treat myself like a child since I'm pretty much acting like one. No self-control or discipline, or just...very little of these.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

... I keep getting this sneaking suspicion that i'm just not mature enough for college. That, I need to grow the **** up somehow.

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I wish everything would just change. like, POOF, be magically fixed and cured and I could just live life like a happy, normally motivated, person with a few friends she could confide in and if i am lucky find a nice boyfriend to love her.

A person who wasnt labled as being emotionally unstable, or lazy, or weird because she doesnt have any friends and her grades are poor and she exhibits weird behaviors like gesturing to herself, picking her forehead or drooling. (the last one I cant help)

That is my dream. That is my ideal. I dont need to get my Phd. I just...I need to learn to be an adult and live a normal happy life emotionally, intellectually and socially without going through periods where I just want to not exist and have to resist hurting myself by curling up into a little ball and trying not to cry.

By any chance, could some of the above be an indirect statement to, oh, your mom for instance? I was wondering where you could be getting those standards you're beating yourself up with, and I couldn't help noticing this part:

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I dont know. Maybe working the 12 steps will help me, though I know my mother would never ever approve of me being around alcoholics.

------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy -------
Please watch your step.

If your mom had some kind of problem with you being yourself (or, worse, being who she feared you might turn out to be -- everything she didn't like about herself, perhaps), one thing she might do about that would be to push you to keep meeting her standards: do your homework on time, have lots of friends, and stay away from alcoholics. Then, if you went along with the program, she could breathe a sigh of relief that she'd saved you from being like her. She'd take credit, of course, and you might be left wondering why, although you'd apparently done everything right, you weren't getting much satisfaction from it and didn't quite feel like yourself. Right now it might look to you as if the only way to be even remotely yourself, might be to be more or less the opposite of who your mother wants you to be.

------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy -------
Please watch your step.

Therapy sounds like the place to start sorting this out for yourself.

How are you doing,SophiaG? Fool Zero makes a lot of sense.

Be well.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

How are you doing,SophiaG? Fool Zero makes a lot of sense.

Be well.

I am doing better. I switched the time I took my Stratterra to at night, so that it wouldnt mess with my moods as much. =)

So far so good. I just started taking it again last night. before, it'd cause me to have some mood swings. So, I hope that issue is solved and I wont get so upset about things and will be more pro-active in my studies. I also started a study-journal of sorts online.

And I feel like I should respond to what Fool-Zero said, but I have to go study so I will do it after I take my Bio Test today. *hugs to all*

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

... I feel like I should respond to what Fool-Zero said...

Take your time, hun. I'm finding you worth waiting for.

Good luck with the test.

[SophiaG]

I aced the test (or at least i'm reasonably certain I did)

[lynn P.]

Good for you Sophia

Yay for you, SophiaG.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Hi again, Sophia! If there's one thread I see running through your last few posts, it's that you're trying to apply someone else's standards to yourself, not feeling much like meeting those standards, and cracking down on yourself for it, apparently to little avail:


By any chance, could some of the above be an indirect statement to, oh, your mom for instance? I was wondering where you could be getting those standards you're beating yourself up with, and I couldn't help noticing this part:

------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy -------
Please watch your step.

If your mom had some kind of problem with you being yourself (or, worse, being who she feared you might turn out to be -- everything she didn't like about herself, perhaps), one thing she might do about that would be to push you to keep meeting her standards: do your homework on time, have lots of friends, and stay away from alcoholics. Then, if you went along with the program, she could breathe a sigh of relief that she'd saved you from being like her. She'd take credit, of course, and you might be left wondering why, although you'd apparently done everything right, you weren't getting much satisfaction from it and didn't quite feel like yourself. Right now it might look to you as if the only way to be even remotely yourself, might be to be more or less the opposite of who your mother wants you to be.

------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy -------
Please watch your step.

Therapy sounds like the place to start sorting this out for yourself.

I honestly am unsure whether or not I apply other people's standards to myself. Maybe I do.

My mom competed in Miss America & worked on wallstreet for a number of years before she became a mother. She told me that no one thought she would ever leave the workforce and yet she did. Currently she is obsessed with becoming a successful yoga-teacher. It's literally all she thinks about. Literally.

If I go to talk to her I can see the wheels turning away in her head about yoga stuff. She isn't really listening to me. And if she doesnt bring up yoga in a conversation it's kind of a shock.

*shrug*

I've said in the past numerous times that I wanted to quit college because it made me feel like absolute **** about myself that I seemed not to be able to get good grades. She wouldn't let me quit. She made me go back.

I had no say.

I think her defense was "if you dont do it now you will never do it"

"You may not have this opportunity later"

And here I am again, in college.

I mean there are extenuating circumstances (sp?). I have a disability which means that i MUST have insurance. I am still under my dad's insurance until i am 25 because I am unemancipated. I think my medical bills came up to a total of 300,000 over 2 or 3 years?

Some ridiculous number without insurance.

So I guess my mom worries that if I drop out of college that I will be impoverished the rest of my life and in poor health due to not being able to pay for insurance.

But I dont think I've ever heard her say that. It's something I think about though.

It's expensive to be disabled.

o__o

[(JD)]

Sometimes we all need that extra shove in the right direction. It's difficult to know when it's a good thing and when it isn't though.

Yes, being disabled is expensive! Not only the self care, but the mistakes I make all seem to cost me money! Good decisions or not, it ends up with $ being the bottom line. This can be very frustrating.

Focus (as best you can) on your short term goals. You've already set your long term ones, I think. You can reach them. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You can and will learn and do on your own timing, in your own way. Sometimes finding just what way that is seems impossible. Keep trying. Do your best. (((hug)))

[Ygrec23]

Is it time to take a break from college and find a job and do "real life" for a while?

SophiaG, you are an intelligent, well-spoken person. Take a look at your life again, and use your big brain to find a way out of this malaise. Good luck.

[SophiaG]

haha, well I pretty much feel like crap all over again now. ^_^

Go me. -_-

[daytimedreamer]

I really relate to what you're saying. I was also an honor student in school. I was part of a special program for gifted students since I was 11. Everyone always talked about all the potential I had, although it was usually prefaced with the word "wasted". I never went to university or college because I knew I wouldn't be able to stick it through. Long-term stuff just kills me. I knew it would be a waste of money.

My family moved a lot, so I had to change schools often. I always started off at the new school really great: perfect attendance, handed in all my assignments, did really well on tests... Then somewhere along the way it all just fizzled out. I'd lose all interest and nothing seemed to matter anymore. The worse I did, the more de-motivated I became.

Just once, I'd like to know what it feels like to be really passionate about something. All my old classmates are doing so well in university. They are pursuing their dreams and having a great time. I don't even have any dreams to pursue.

People tell me "well, just pick something and become really interested in it!". Sure. I'll just draw a random subject from a hat and force myself to fall madly in love with it. It works for relationships, so it's gotta work for careers too!

Except... oh wait. It doesn't actually work that way.

Sorry for getting my bitterness all over your thread.