Tired...so so so Tired(warning: abuse, history, pain etc)

I am tired. SO tired of always being afraid. Of always being worried. Always assuming I am going to be hit, hurt, or damaged more. I am damaged goods. And I realize that more and more as my life progresses.. everything is always going to hurt or cause me hurt.

This is why I stay inside so much(notwithstanding that I always hurt physically). When you don't get involved with people, you can't get hurt right? Being happy is not worth the risk of being hurt again. And I always am - mostly because I can't have a functional adult relationship. I don't know how. I don't know if I am just too damaged to ever figure it out.

I brought up my past and told someone I trust the other night some of how bad it was. Now I can't stop thinking about it. Now it is running through my head. Especially the first really bad time( I was four, it was my father, and it was at gunpoint) and now I just keep seeing it and seeing it and seeing it. I feel it too when i see it. I can feel the pain just like it is the first time again. And then I make a complete *** of myself. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!! When i avoid it I am less damaged and reacting not as badly. I can't even make it through a small argument with anyone without my brain going into panic mode. It doesn't matter what i know logically - emotionally my brain assumes I'm about to be hurt. IT doesn't matter that the person I told is the one person I would trust with my life. My emotions don't trust anyone.

I am in bad PTSD mode again. Its been ramped up every moment since I relived it in my head. Am i to have to relive every moment of it every time I think about it for the rest of my life? How is this a life. How do i be an adult? Why can't one person love me without having to be treated like they are about to hurt me? That is so unfair. And it means he wins. And she wins. And all the others - they win too. That is what he wanted(my father) for my life to be ruined forever. For me to always be looking over my shoulder and to always feel like everyone will always do that.

I have tried everything. I tried being an addict and escaping. I tried doing therapy, and meds. I tried being hospitalized. I tried focusing on having my own child. I tried avoiding it. I tried pretending. I tried focusing on it and healing. I don't know what is left to try. I don't know how to make people believe me and I don't understand why no-one does. I think people always think I must just be lazy and or stupid, because surely no-one forgets things as much as I do, surely no-one is always sore like me, surely no-one can be stuck in childhood as I am right.

I feel like I should just not get involved with people friendship wise or otherwise. That way I am not frustrating everyone around me. At least when I am alone I only frustrate myself.

I seem to ruin everything I touch. Why is that?

My self esteem is in tatters. I don't actually think I deserve to be loved. Obviously not because it will never happen. Maybe I am just meant to take this pain.

Why won't the thoughts stop. Why am I ALWAYS GUILTY for being damaged goods? Why do i feel like everything everything is my fault. And I can't ever say its because of my past because then I am blaming it on that and making excuses - ive been told that my whole life but it IS TRUE - I am a grown woman and making excuses for my stupid behavior and reactions.

I keep waiting for someone to love me despite my issues. It is never going to happen and I don't have enough strength to love myself all the time - just some of the time.

I wish that someone would come and hug me, and hold me, and hold my hand, and tell me that I am a good person even though i do stupid things. I wish someone would make me see the good in me because for now I have lost that ability.

I don't see the point in living a social life if i always think everyone is hurtful. And if I can't handle simple things.

I feel lost..

(((MandiePoo))) - I just hurt my back an hour ago and I'm in severe pain but I wanted you to know I read your post. I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered and how it snatched your self esteem. You are a good person even if you've made mistakes ...we all do. I wish I could say my usual inspiring words but this pain is making it hard. I'm sending you safe cyber hugs and holding your hand. Sending good vibes your way during this difficult time.

((((((((((MandiePoo))))))))))

I hope friendly cyber hugs are okay?

I hear you and I'm sorry that you hurt, both physically and emotionally. I am dealing with the PTSD issues myself and your words ring so true for what I experience. Over the last year, my new T has done great with me and we have made progress, I guess, but with the progress I am noticing that I now feel the emotional pain more and it hurts worse. She says that this is because I am learning to process the old pain and that it shows I have been able to move passed a barrier. I just know that I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired myself.

Is it possible that you too are learning to process your pain and have progressed passed a barrier that prevents you from moving forward? I hope so. I know what it's like to feel stuck, like it's never going to end. And I still sit and cry and ask myself why I am even bothering to put myself through it all. But now there's something there that says...maybe I can unlearn the negative thinking.

I don't know....I feel like it's too early to tell. But I am tired of thinking and re-thinking of these old traumas and I am still trying to figure out how to make them stop. I'm still waiting for the next person to come along and treat me like I am less than human. How long will I wait?

I'm here for you!! Inside, I think we're both really strong. We'd have to be, to be able to cope and deal with this on a daily basis. Please know you're not alone!!

Thanks everyone.

I am just so tired of sabotaging my relationships with those who probably truly did care for me, but due to my reactions constantly have given up on me. I've lost a lot of amazing people that way and you can't blame them you know? Its not their responsibility to be my hero. I have to figure out how to do that myself.

oh...reading this made me cry...i've been thur, well, first started from 2-5 yrs old. maybe people have told you this, but i will and truly believe it, "damage goods" NO you did the most important thing, you SURVIVED. you are a survivor. that takes a lot of energy in and of itself. but you are doing something about it. your talking about it...very good step. and another thing (though it might not feel like it) your trying so hard...posting this communicates that) I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of...denied the childhood stuff until this year. and what happened to me when i was pregnant...used to hide in a closet for years around that time. but posting this is a important step. i am not taking away from your frustration or pain. but it helped me to have people to talk to: that didn't judge,understood the intense pain I've been thur, excepted me for who i was at that moment, believed my history and talked the same "language" i did. i know it's a HUGE risk. but if you can find a support group...it meant a lot to me. but, if it's to soon(soon is relative has nothing to do with when the abuse happened) I'm glad your talking about it on here. i can never understand exactly what you went thur. but it is a very brave thing to talk about it. i would say "good luck" but in this situation i think that can be thought of a cruel. but your not alone...my thoughts are with you and though this might be minuscule here's a huge please keep posting...it takes a lot of courage to just live with it

I am still really upset

I think ive been upset over 12 hours now.

But surviving, i guess is the important thing.

i keep checking this thread. keep talking. again, your not alone. can't stand it when i keep having to live (think about) with it. so sorry

Right now i feel as if i shouldn't have ever shared what I did.

I told the worst time(the first time) and the worst things that were done to me, and one of my friends is barely speaking to me. I am sure it is because they think I am disgusting and gross and dirty and damaged.. it just seems too coincidental you know?

some people just don't know what to do with "it". probably has nothing to do what they think about you. probably just don't know how to respond.. give it a little time

TRIGGER BIG TIME FOR ABUSE DETAILS






and I fall asleep...only to be awoken by a dream as if I was there again. Being forced. I don't want to go into detail..but forced orally and everything that entails.

I saw it as if i was watching but I also felt it all. I woke up screaming. And choking. And vomited immediately.

Where is this COMING FROM????

I have always had piss poor reactions but normally i go into little girl mode, my alters come out... now it seems like I am slammed with memories.

Why won't my friend just let me explain? My friend is going to think this is just me being foolish again. I just wish I could tell them but i also wish I did not tell them. I wish i hadn't trusted them enough to tell them. IT IS ALWAYS WRONG TO TRUST PEOPLE. I learn that more and more I wish i had never lived it and now i have to relive and relive and relive... it goes away for a couple years and then I tell someone but this time i told someone i would trust with my life because i THOUGHT they would understand. I thought they would listen. I thought for once in my life I could share it and be OK. I was wrong wrong wrong and I am always wrong it seems. Instead I am left cold and alone and in so much pain and living it in the dark and not beleived like ALWAYS.

Now I can't even sleep to escape it. What the hell do I have left?
He is winning, my fatherish thing is. He is winning making me lose everything.

Its now almost two pm. Im still going.

Although ive stopped crying for the time being.

Currently going to crawl in to bed for a bit. Just can't take today.

Hi, I’m still here. I’m still checking. I’m going to comment on some of your quote’s. I don’t know how to comment on more than one and in different posts, so I’ll just write them out.

“Instead I am left cold and alone and in so much pain and living it in the dark and not beleived like ALWAYS.”
You are not alone. I’m here. And believed, I understand. If you would like to private messenger me and tell me your story, I will read.

“I have always had piss poor reactions but normally i go into little girl mode, my alters come out... now it seems like I am slammed with memories”
Your alters not coming could be good be a good sign, (now keep in mind I’m not a therapist or mental health professional.) it could mean, as hard as it is, your strong enough to deal with it. I know it doesn’t feel like that though

“Currently going to crawl in to bed for a bit. Just can't take today.”
It’s good you’re taking care of yourself. Remember it take an incredible amount of emotional energy to deal with it

I don’t know if you can tell the story with all the details on any forum here, or I would have done it. If you would like to share stories, I’m willing. Sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone or someone speaks the same “language” you do. I only have written, about the assault, as an adult though, not about my childhood…but I will go into that if it would help.

Dearest MandiePoo, ((((((((safe hugs))))))))

I was unable to read right through because of my own issues but I do know what you went through and I do know that you are way far more worthy than you realise.

I just want you to know that you are not alone and that you are cared about a great deal. Just as you don't want to blame others, please don't blame yourself either. It's not your fault and it never was.

I really hope that you can get some help with your reactions and responses which have cost you important relationships and maybe friendships too. It was never ever your fault or your choosing that started this thing to begin with, so please don't blame yourself now. Hold your head up and take any hand that offers you help or support through this, knowing you are worthy of the best love

I am so sorry.

i'm checking again. hope you are surviving. hope i didn't scare you away with the sharing thing. maybe you are a sleep. hope so. know i'm still here. not going anywhere. you are NOT alone. good night

((((((((((((Mandiepoo))))))))))))) I understand some of the things you say so very well, I feel them too. Here supporting you and letting you know your not alone. Sending peace and serenity, Typo

yes i slept through. doing better today

I am totally heartbroken now.

(((((MandiePoo)))))

Sometimes the things we say or do make people too much aware of their own fears, and they run, or they punish, because they do not understand where the fear comes from. Not everyone reacts that way, though...

ugh... I'm so sorry this happend to you too Mandiepoo

I had known a woman for 15 years and then needed to talk about something recent that is happening in my life, so next time she contacted me I breifly told her...... that was two years ago.... have not heard from her since.... I know it's because of what I told her..... I think it invaded HER comfort zone.
I think it's like pachyderm said-- it often is about others fears not just about rejecting you-- though it sure does hurt and feel like it's all about being rejected.

I won't give you the advice as to how I've handled such --- I DO isolate and have 0 friends.... find it less upsetting this way... way lonely, but less upsetting.
but.... I'm told that this is NOT the way to be..

it's a tough place to be, I relate.

please be kind and gentle to self.

fins

as if it is even humanly possible -

I just got MORE bad news.

Share, please.

Pachy - its not something i can post publicly, due to previous happenings of being stalked/hacked. But FYI anyone who wishes to pm me about it can, and I will share, pachy check your pm soon k?

((MandiePoo)) -so sorry you're upset.