im not sure what to do anymore

Hi my name is Steve and I have so many issues that I don't even know where to begin, I have severe trust issues with anyone outside my immediate family. Ive been as strong as I can be but my family depends on me to be emotionally strong for them and always be that rock in their lives and I don't know how much longer I can continue. I'm a child of divorce and was very physically abused by my mother and continue to be emotionally abused by her to this very day. I got married when I was too young and tried my hardest to juggle my duties as a husband and to take care of my family thru my parents divorce. I took care of everyone as best I could for as long as I could but I never felt like I did a good job with anything or with anyone. It's been years since I got divorced because of the abuse my former wife. She used to break me down whenever she got the chance and at my most fragile moment in my life. I have a daughter and I'm a single father by I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my life, every decsion I make I feel that I'm disappointing someone and I don't know if my conscience is too much or what but I'm so tired of feeling drained physically and emotionally. I noticed that I talk to myself to give myself reassurince in everything that I do. I want a full life and to be able to really enjoy things and be ok. I want to be a full person and not a shell of who I want to be. I have a loving gf and want to very much be the person she needs and not what I am now. She gets frustrated that I don't trust her enough to talk to her about my life and what has happened before and what is going on currently. I do love her very much and I listen to her and work extra hard to fulfill her needs but her biggest frustration is trying to get me to talk to her and not just hold everything inside. I'm just a big mess and I don't know what to do anymore. Any help or advice would be great. This is the most I've ever spoken about myself emotionally in my whole life. Thank you

Welcome to the Community, Steve. Is professional help an option for you? It may be the best way to show your friend how much you care. Your general practitioner could refer you to a psychologist for an evaluation and recommendation for any indicated treatment.

http://helpguide.org/topics/trauma_abuse.htm

Be well.

Hi Steve,
I once dated a man that was, I believe, in a place similar to where you are. Here is my side of the experience (being the gf) that I would like to share.

The most meaningful night of our relationship was not any of the romantic dates or fancy dinners. The most meaningful night for me was the night he collapsed into my arms (and quickly my lap as he was significantly bigger than my scrawny little self) in the sanctuary at our college. He never spoke a word, just sobbed uncontrolably for over an hour. I was soaked! The next day he was so embarased I had to break into his room to get him to speak to me. I quietly sat beside him and explained that the previous night was the first time I really felt we were in a relationship. Before that night it was always about me and there needs to be two people in a relationship. For me it was a turning point, a moment I had longed for.

I still love him deeply. He has chosen to marry someone that he can be the knight in shining armor to and never have to take that armor off. She gives nothing back to the marrage, nothing back to him. It breaks my heart.

I pray that you are strong enough to lift that heavy armor off and let your GF see the prince inside.

Steve....Lets break this into little bits ok?
You are aware that you are so overwhelmed that you could REALLY use some support right?
Does anyone ...including your family or current gf know you really need some support?Is there anyone you feel that you can turn to?
In order to be successfully strong for anyone other than yourself...you must first consider your needs .I mean to say ...like...if a leaking boat goes to sea to repair a leaking boat...they both sink.One must first repair their leaking boat...and bring extra float devices right?
You say you have trust issues.Do you know where they arise from? Are you aware where these issues first originated...and what breaches of trust fed the issues ...making them stronger?Perhaps there is a reason you do not trust.So take a step back and consider what constitutes an "earned trust".You do not "owe" trust to anyone.Think over time ....what do i feel is reason enough to trust someone? This reason,or list of reasons can be edited as you grow and change.Making allowance for which errors on others part are acceptable...and which are not.
I am so horribly sorry you were abused by your mom.I think it is sooo unacceptable that anyone is abused by anyone.Yet it definately does occur.(This includes emotional abuse). Somehow I feel worse when it happens to a guy because he has to be soooo "everything" in so many ways...plus I have three sons and saw my uncle be abused. (That doesn't mean I don't have EXTREME abhorrance for men abusing women.)
As 'a child of divorce' ...also as a man mistreated by his mother,and mistreated by his married counterpart....I would be astonished to hear that you DIDN'T have severe trust issues.
Please explain why it is you still allow your mother access to your life whatsoever...if as an adult,living on your own...she continues to berate you? Or continues to not show you the courtesy you show her.
As far as your daughter...it is going to take time ... and be a process of learning... to change you fully...so be patient and loving toward yourself.
I find it to be a tender and loving thing to hear that you speak lovingly to yourself.You should.Self talk happens with everyone...just usually in a quiet manner.My self talk fully sucks!LOL I totally commend your self talk!
You say you have a daughter...and it appears you are doing the raising of her on your own? WOW! damn! KUDOS........That is your main focus.Forget everyone else...support her and you...and do the best you can each day.Every single human fails ...yes? You will too...keep trying and don't give up.Leave yesterdays mistakes in the past where they belong.
As far as being what your current gf needs....look over your post...it is what you have been doing in all the other relationships you mentioned.Stop thinking you need to fit everyones expectations.Just be the best man possible in the moment.I am thrilled you got all of that off your chest since holding things inside only brings pain.You are very ,very brave!! Keep posting! ~WO.olfsong

Thanks to you all for taking the time to answer, I've never been able to speak about how my life has been and for the longest time I thought it was normal, I didn't know that it wasn't right. Im not very good at things in my life but being a father is what I excel at and I give her all the love that I can and try my hardest to hide my pain or grief from her. I just want a full life and still feel selfish for wanting it.

I am so sorry you have so much to deal with
If your mother is still in your life and continues to abuse you then you need to get away! I know it is hard to cut ties with family but look at what it is doing to you! You have to take care of you now. Sever all ties with toxic relationships and give yourself time to heal.
That's just my .02 cents....I did it with my father and brother and it worked well. I talk to them a little today but not much. Contact is only done if I initiate it. I do not give them my phone numbers and always hit *67 before dialing their numbers (*67 blocks your phone number on their caller ID by the way).

hi steve and welcome to pc! so glad u found us and posted your thread about what's going on. the first thought i had is that u're so very busy pleasing everyone else you don't leave anything for yourself. meaning we need to be kind to ourselves first or we can become drained dry by helping/kindness to others.
lots of good replies here. i particularly like the byz's reply about seeing a psychologist. it really helped me and i had some of the same behaviors and thoughts as you. now i am the new and improved me. you need a sounding board in real life to help you understand ways to cope and untangle all that's going on/psychologist. hope you are able to see one.

I've thought about going to see a psychologist before but always figured that I'd overcome everything on my own but after years it doesn't seem like I will so I've decided that I'm going to look into it and take the next step in trying to help myself. In regards to my gf I some to her about going to seek some professional help and it was so much harder than I imagined. I had so much trouble trying to get the words out and when I did I couldn't stop shaking, she did respond very positively to what I was saying and it did get a bit better but I shook the entire conversation. I felt very vulnerable talking about certain issues and couldn't go into details because I felt like I needed to run if I did. She is willing to support me in whatever I choose to do and loves me for who I am and said that after years of being together this is the most honest I had ever been and that she was proud of me. I wasn't sure how to respond to her afterwards I felt like I wasn't who she I thought I was anymore and I even told her that if she wanted to leave she was free to do so and I wouldn't think any less of her. She didn't and got upset for me thinking that she would want too. Its weird but I'm terrified of seeing her and in a way I don't want too, I feel cruel for putting her through anything but I want to be able to give her everything that she has ever given me. In regards of my daughter thankfully when I got divorced she was only a year old so she doesn't remember the bad times as I like to think of them and she's 6 now so for most of her life she knows that its always been her and me. I tell her that what happened between myself and her mother was just life and sometimes don't work out between people and that she's always my first priority in life and I would never let any harm come to her. Thanks for listening.

Hello there

Your story made me feel so sad for you. People who have been abused in their lives often go on to suffer terribly with all sorts of problems. I know this as someone who has suffered significant abuse. Ican think of a couple of things that might be helpful. First I would go see your doc as it sounds like you are suffeing from a depressive illness. Some antidepressants may be helpful, though they are not the whole answer. Then I would suggest getting some therapy to sort out all those things going round in your head. I suggested antidepressants first as you need to be in a good place first before embarking on the painful route of therapy. Just one more thing...don't be so hard on yourself!

Take care.

You won't know how therapy goes for you unless you give it a try. You do very well here talking about you. Why not try it and see how it goes?

Remember that your family might expect you to fill a certain role, but filling it us your option.

So I tried going to see a therapist and its really expensive and my insurance really doesn't cover all that much. It seems like I'm getting cut off from the little help that I seek and I just keep sinking further and further. I tried talking to my family to see if maybe they would offer some help but instead they just said that I was seeking attention and needed to knock it off.. it gets harder and harder everyday and at this point I would settle for some kind words or just being genuinely nice without wanting something back. I'm running on fumes so to speak and the days just seem longer and I keep getting more and more disappointed. To top it all off I had to beg for a ride to the emergency room yesterday when I got hurt working on my car and I felt like I was such a bother and making their life difficult. I'm just so very tired and I feel myself getting more and more restless and even a bit short with people. Thanks for listening and any responses would be appreciated. Thanks for the help.

Hi there
If you needed to beg for a ride to an emergency room, then you are clearly not surrounded by caring and supportive people. I have not read every word of your posts yet, but I am guessing that you have never really learned to like/love yourself. You seem very concerned about not wanting to bother other people and you think that it is selfish.

Hopefully you will learn to see that you need to be selfish and that you will be okay without needing other people's approval. When we are vulnerable, I think it is hard to distance ourselves from people who give us anything, even if it isn't good for us. Learning to set limits with people will take time, but once you are able to care about yourself more, it will get easier. Hopefully you will see that feeling better is worth it.

You sound like a very caring and sensitive guy. You deserve a happy and peaceful life; we all do. Don't shortchange yourself. You are strong enough to reach out here which means you want better for yourself, and that is a great starting point.

I know from experience about the cost/therapy/money/medication issues. LOTS of people on this site do. Unfortunately, these difficulties make it even harder for people to push through the system and get what you need..

BUT you need to do it. For yourself and your daughter. There are hotlines you can call to just talk to people, and places to call to get referrals for reduced rates etc.. I am sure others here can help with those numbers?

What ever you do, you must keep trying. It may be hard to see this now, but you can get to the other side of this pain. The world is full of kind and wonderfully helpful people, and you do not need to be with anyone who is hurtful to you ever again. STAY Connected! Please