I don't know where to put this

Life has been nuts. I need to share but I will try to be brief.

My daughter entered a residential treatment program last monday for OCD

I spent a lot of time fighting with insurance, speaking with Banking and insurance, Health care ombudsman....

I couldn't work because this was my full time job...

I was very angry at the way it all came to pass. It was un-necessary and cruel to me and to her.

(she is now safely tucked away in this program)

I could feel the stress physically tightening my body. I could not let the stress out, every muscle in my body grew more and more tight.

I was taking meds some for spasms.

By Friday I finally was stiff as a board and shaking. I could not relax my muscles at all and the pain was more then I could deal with.

I went to the E.R. and told them to just shoot me, I didn't care.

They treated me and released me to hubby's care.

The next day I was back at more pain. I called the on-call doc and got some stronger meds.

I noticed when the four hours was nearing, a lot of pain.

I called my doc yesterday to learn she is away and that there is one doc covering who does not know me. So far I have been unable to get more of the stronger meds and I am tightening up more.

Last Tuesday I called into work, everyone knew I was out Monday to admit daughter.

I have been out of work going on two weeks.

I am worried that they are going to be angry, upset with me. I have paperwork from OCT that they should have by now. I am just not functioning. (anyone try to remember their name while on flexerol?)

I got a call from a friend who I speak with everyday but this call was to say that a few clients had emergencies and needed me tocall them.

I felt dreadful, like I am letting people down, where is my backup coverage etc.

I called another friend who is involved with one sit and asked her to help them call their attorney. The message had come via her so I sent it back the same way.

I tried calling second client and caregiver with no success. I am not god, the complaint there was that client missing another doc appointment. She is end stage copd and I heard she is taking morphine and sleeping all of the time. The caregiver was worried as she is not eating or drinking. Morphine is what people with her problem take. She is very very ill. So I am wondering what is the big deal? Sounds like she is getting relief from the meds and nature is taking it's course. Can't reach anyone, I am not her doctor.

I am worried that my job is very upset with me.

Over the past 2 years I have missed a crap load of work.

I am really concerned about the way I left my files. I had been waiting for filing assist for three weeks and things are not together at all. What if people need to get info and it's not in file?

I don't want to speak with office, I am too nervous. When I called in this a.m. I just told super I would be in Monday. Thurs and fri are holidays. I apologized profusely.

I am getting more and more tight, I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow.

I just called doc's office again. I am afraid of that pain returning.

I feel like I am lying and being lazy. This is left from childhood, I know this but how do I talk back to it? Especially since my director has implied that she does not approve that I take narcotics.

I don't want work to be mad at me. It has happened a lot in the past year or so.

Help, Help, am I making this up? How do I get the better meds with no doc that knows me around? What am I supposed to do? How can I tell my muscles to knock it off? When I breathe deep I can feel the tightness and try to relax into the bed or chair. I am beginning to feel like a piece of wood again.

I am not catholic but I want to be absolved. I am not god and there should be people covering for me.

I am ill, or am I faking it cause I like those drugs?

I know, I am not making much sense.

Help.

Hello Wisewoman! Is your husband shouldering any responsibility? This isen't all just for you to take care of. Your place of employment should designate someone to fill your shoes while you are out. Come right out and tell them hey.."I'm dancin as fast as I can". Tap..tap!! This just fuels my fire. You are headed for a nervous breakdown if things don't let up on ya.

Is it your P-Doc that doesn't want you on Narcotics? If so....mine is the same way!

Narcotics enable folks to have some quality of life. That's what they were created for. When used responsibly...it's all we have sometimes to keep going. I take Flexerill. Is that what you are taking? Flexeril works fine for some people. Soma works better for others. Ask the Doc on call if he can at least prescribe some Soma for you. It will help better with the pain, as well!

Hang in there. That's about all you can do. Thank goodness your daughter is getting treatment. Keep thinking about that.

TGC

Hi Dottie, thanks for your caring. Hubby is the best. He worked last week as I dealt with the fiasco with insurance etc. I am on flexerill, thus the joke about memory while on it, NONE,

It is my director at work, my bosse's boss that flipped out once when I told her I frequently had to take narcotics. Vicodin does not bother my mind, percoset does. FINALLY I am getting more percoset. Son is going to pick it up for me.

I have a lot of worries. Yes, my husband is great, he came home from work yesterday and took care of me.

He has taken care of getting the money we need to pay the repair on the troopers vehicle from accident.

He is helping to get all of the necessary info together to get the 2,000 out of his flexible spending.

My body won't reLax!!!!!!! Pain=tighness and tightness=pain. Snowball affect.

How about a really hot bath with lots of bubbles and scented candles lit all over the bath room and a thick fuzzy cloth over your eyes and nice music in the background ...

I have had a full body massage and it was wonderful, my shoulders and neck are always tight from stress and keyboarding all day - I felt reallly really good after the massage. It was a gift card from one of the major chain hotels in my town that I won at a charity raffle drawing. Apparently, most of the hotels have a massage therapst on site and they are surprisingly afordable. Maybe a body massage would help your body muscles to relax so that you can get relief.

hope you feel better.

((((((((((((((((((((((WW)))))))))))))))))))))

i know what it's like to live with chronic pain. I'm sorry you're not getting the relief that you need right now...stress can make it SOOOOO much worse.

I'm sending you so many thoughts right now.

kd

gee WW I can't keep up. sorry. Last I knew I had found out from you that you had gone to the ER and had 3 shots of morphine! I don't think they make anything stronger. sorry. I do understand pain. Have you been evaluated for addiction, and been deemed NOT addicted? The body can cause rebound pain.. but I think you probably know all this... TC breathe!

wisewoman you are not "making this up". It is tangible the amount of stress you are under right now.

I really like the idea of a bath and candles. Also of getting a massage.

You have several things going on here... take care of them individually. Sounds like your daughter is finally pretty well set. Let the facility bear the brunt of taking care of that now, of course you will be involved but the biggest hurdles seem to be cleared.

I understand how you feel about work but at some point you just have to step back and say "I'm doing what I can AND I'm not doing more than that AND I am not going to feel guily or worry about that." I understand about the files but people will make due. Of course they will miss you but you have to take care of yourself. Trying to go to work through this is not an optiom, so don't treat it as if it is one, i.e. worry that you should be there, what's going on there, etc.

Do as much as you can to stop worrying about work, so it doesn't just become counterproductive to your healing. If you can, just stop thinging about work whenever a work related thing comes into your head. Just get the thought "STOP!" in your head or even say it out loud, then say "That is not a concern right now" and move on to other thoughts.

Best of luck with the doctor, stress, family, work... hope it all falls into place for you soon and you are able to cope and do well.

Thanks Dex for the logic in your mind. It helps. Okay, sometimes I assume people know what I mean and they don't so I get into trouble. I am on flexerill which is a muscle relaxant which I am told to take only at night or if I can stay to bed and chair. It makes me sleepy and moving about while on it fights what it is supposed to be doing. Thanks Kimmy, I know you understand pain.

I have vicodin on hand. I go through about 30 a month usually.

With this last series of events I was taking 2 vicodin every 6 and it was not breaking the pain at all. The pain was building!

The morphine I.V. I don't know Sky, didn't even feel first shot, second my body stopped shaking, third I had enough pain relief to get off stretcher, have hubby wheel me into car, go home and get into bed. I had a pretty good night. About 3:00 the pain started traveling to my pelvis and thighs. Ouch! The next morning I called doc on call. Usually they do not give narcoticsw to people who are not their patients when they are on call. However, I know this man, work with him a lot and it was simple, I needed percoset. So I took it 2 every 4 hours for pain. As the 4 hour mark would come I would be hurting. He gave me 20 on Saturday. I was out after Monday morning so I did not take it EVERY 4 during night.

I got more yesterday and I have begun to feel better. I had time for 2 doses last night and now I feel like I am in a bit of pain but maybe a vicodin will do?

Addiction, I always worry and I always doubt myself. I was taught as a child to not hear my own body, to not feel it etc. Thus I have had a difficult time in life learning to identify pain, when to ask for help etc. I have a very high pain threshold. I still get anxious and confused when I get sick. Should I tell someone? Will they believe me? Will they call me a liar and make me get back to work? All deeply imbedded and difficult from the good oul days.

Pain and narcotics are odd fellows. The more pain someone is in the more their bodies can eat the pain med right up with no sense of being high. Severe pain often takes increasing dosages to keep under control. So the fact that three shots of morphine in an IV didn't snow me or cure me is not a suprise. It helped to get on top of it, to interrupt the snow ball affect.

When I take flexerill I have no memory. It is an odd drug that way.

As for life here. Daughter is safe. I have a lot of feelings about the way things were handled and feel that it was very unprofessional of the screening and admitting staff. It could have all been prevented instead of blind-sighting us. She is brave, she is working hard, she is determined, and she is learning to what extent this illness has controlled her young life. My son is going down to city she is in for girlfrien's family and he is bring her computer and white gloves? Umm, okay, part of program I guess.

My job is mostly okay, I am using my clear, pain free times to work on paperwork.

Illness and pain are great triggers for me. Dex, you spoke to my heart and what I needed to hear. I wish I could carry you around like a conscience on my shoulder to help me learn this stuff. It's a belief, super function or you will get hurt.

Massage at 12:15. She has her work cut out. She is excellent.

Hubby and I go to friend's widow's for thanksgiving. That will be pleasurable.

Daughter can go to a friend's down there but chooses not to so friend will go see her later in the day.

I hope this all makes sense. Thanks for caring, it helps.

Yes, we do care. Chronic pain is different than other, recurrent type pain, I do know that. I don't have an ever increasing need for more pain med, but I know some chronic pain is like that, like cancer pain, I think. To find the source of your increased pain would be important... I understand what you say about flexeril... I can't take it at all (too sensitive to it, I sleep 16 hours from one smallest dose.. with each dose lol) I can't take any muscle relaxant. on an ongoing basis (the one I did take Robaxin, gave me a heart murmur!) and am personally going to pursue acupuncture. I have to put up with the kind of stuff you are, alone... I sure would hope you have someone who will sit down with hubby and you and explain how he MUST take control of some issues to reduce your stress... I'm not really in a good position to tell you much of this anyway... I have to just give it all to the wind myself, as I can't do it, and there is noone else to do it for me... and it does me no good to get upset.. in fact, it would make me a worthless mess so totally out of control...

breathe. Try to think about what things are urgent NOW and what can be put on the back burner, or handled by someone else? What things won't change no matter what you say or do? What are most important to you? Do your best.

And so I bring it up again, this time to say that I got a lovely letter from my supervisors super who said that I had not called out while I was out until after the fact. Untrue, I called each day and they knew ahead of time when I was bringing daughter. I am accused of being unprofessional, that I missed at least one appointment and I didn't check my voice mail. Excuse me but what part of I am out don't you hear? Am I expected to be checking voice mail from my bed, the hospital whatever. As it was I got a lot of calls at home. I was reprimanded for my time study not being there on the 18th. Same day I was in the hospital getting morphine. mmm, might have been interesting to try and drive there don't ya think? It's only about 66 miles one way. Easy as pie.

I am mad as you can't ever tell and I am not taking any more crap from anyone. After close to 18 years please fire me, I would love to collect unemployment for a very long time. I try my hardest, it has become not good enough since I stopped over functioning. Oh well, it's the best I have. I wonder if this additional stress will cause additional back problems. Seems I am unable to perform my job. Mmmmm, I know people who you think are gone when they are not.

I have had it with B.S. everywhere!

WW try and record for permanence their messages.. and then erase them from the voice mail and ignore them.. you were out... duh! Act like you didn't get their messages.. that might irritate them even more than if they can rile you. Maybe they are trying to get you to quit, as you are up for plenty of benefits if you stay just a while longer? It's cheaper for them if they can get you to leave (or build a "case" against you?)

Kill em with kindness.

Thanks Sky, unfortunately the BOSS has asked for a meeting. I don't like these sorts of things. Several months ago I was so triggered at a meeting and felt so unsafe and misunderstood that I left the room. I was told that that was some big word for showing disrespect and not accepting authority. It was survival. I remember very little of that meeting or that day but I was triggered by what I thought to hear, "you are being selfish" Well, outa there I was taking care of the issue that I thought she was referring to.

For months I have been listening to my co-workers complain about lack of supervision and the supervisor not returning calls. I have kept quiet as I have been told that if I do not I will lose my job. All I have been able to say to these two youn women is, "if you are concerned you should speak with her or her super" That was one of the things that I had reported and my super denied. Seems a bit obvious at this point. What I know about my work place is that I can't fight em, they will win. They believe they are right and we do do good work. i will not get into legal crap though I am upset as my PTSD is a qualifying disability and they are so rubbing stuff in my face. Basically to do this job you need not to have ptsd. Okay, can I give it to You then? crap on a stick I am mad. I am hurt. My back is killing me. It is saturday night. Time for percoset and flexerill. I am so sad that I am accused of being bad again and I was really really busy and worried with my daughter and then very much in pain and I just couldn't move without a scream in there.

I want to quit this whole game. Why is everything so hard?

You are doing all that you are able to do. You are not making this up. If you were, you wouldn't be wondering if you were making it up. Maybe you will be able to get a break now that your daughter is getting treatment. I hope so. And I don't know what to tell you about work, but I wish they would treat you better. I didn't go back to one of my jobs where they treated me like I didn't matter, and the struggles that I was having there were a result of something that happened on the job. It was never the same after that. I bet that you are really good at your job, and dedicated to your clients to keep putting up with everything you do.

I think you are being screwed over...maybe now on if you need off send the message by registered mail or some dude that makes you sign for stuff...

I dont know why things are so damn hard they are for me too...its like that spider that goes up the water spout....he always gets knocked down by the rain

I agree with that. Don't let them screw you with lies. "Certified, return receipt requested" is what you want. That makes them sign for it, and you get a postcard back proving that they received it. ("Registered" is for sending valuable materials through the mail)

And/or record every phone conversation you have with them. Check with your state, in some states you can record a conversation if at least one of the parties knows the conversation is being recorded. If your state doesn't allow this, just tell whoever you are speaking to that you are recording it for the hr department when you call in sick.

It is really awful that you are at a job where you have to be so defensive just to protect yourself from lies.

{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}

I am just plain tired. My job is so very hard. It is not an easy job by any means and my T really does believe that they had an over-functioning me for many years and can't adjust to the reality that I have health issues. I wanna avoid tomorrow at all costs. I am sitting here thinking of ways to get myself hospitalized today. I could do it. My back stuff is such that oooh, even the thought of it, I could make myself bed-ridden and need of pain management in the hospital. I wonder if it will get that bad? Oh I want out. Trigger Trigger, I am being told I am bad even if I didn't mean to be bad and now I will be beaten, again and again and agiain, for something I never did.

It's one thing to have a difficult job and another thing to not have people to help you and support you in your job... let alone to have people actively sabotaging what you do.

You know I always say to people in general "don't be afraid to go to the hospital if you think you need it" but it sounds like you don't really think you need to be there. I'd hate to think of the sacrifice to other areas of your life by going in just to escape the job on Monday. I hope you can find another solution. I'm sorry I don't have any concrete suggestions.

Maybe ADA can come in to your workplace to discuss your needs? I think it should be no different than someone who needs a special computer keyboard or a bathroom with siderails, and the ADA would interveve to make sure the workplace accomodates them.

I'm not thinking that it would necessarily help much in the way of change but it would make everything "official" and put it in writing what conditions you need to work, and that might be a step, since it seems everything needs to be documented to protect yourself. Just a thought, it might be worth at least contacting the ADA and asking.

Good luck WW, you deserve better, and I hope you can find your way through this and take care of yourself.

Hey Dex, I am on a crying jag and it stinks. I meant that I could make my back really bad and need heavy duty pain management, thus hospitalized. It is tempting but the doc I have only works with one hospital and it is the one I deal with professionally all of the time. I would hate to see my records looked at by the nurses and social workers I deal with. I am going to park at my doc's office tomorrow and ask to be worked in. I don't want to live woth this pain anymore. It needs to end. I will email the ADA people and see if they can come with me to this meeting, My office told me several months ago that I didn't have a qualifying disability. Severe comples ptsd, depression and degenerative disk disease? Give me a break. They covered their butts by giving me a tape recorder due to memory issues and buying me a very expensive wheeled brief case/computer bag. I still say the only way I am leavinf is firing. I had a lead on another job last week that I will check out. Less stressful.

I don't think that it is up to your office to decide whether you have a qualifying disability or not. As far as I know mental illness alone can qualify as a disability... not only that, but all of the agencies helping me in NJ (i.e. the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation and the Community Law Project) were clear to indicate that they understand the nature of depression and understand the implications and how their help applies.

I have a handicapped status because of my arthritis as well. Although I've never used it it is good to know I have it with me if I am ever in need.

If you can talk to the ADA that would be great, they are the one's who can tell you what is possible with the nature of your disability(ies). If they or a doctor or the state say you have a disability I don't see how a company could say "well, not as far as WE are concerned" without being in a HEAP of trouble... potential litigation.

I understand about the hospital thing. You do want to have your back checked. I'd hate for you to make it worse than it is just to get out of work, on the other hand maybe it really is bad enough to justify some more time off and you've just been putting it off due to other issues? I guess, theoretically, what you want is to go the the hospital to have your back looked at but not go to the hospital in order to hide from your job. That would have to be your call.

I hope the lead on another job works out. This could be great if it happens. If the job is less stressful that would be great. Best case, believe it or not, some bosses, workplaces, actually do care about their employees and a new place may be more supportive of your needs.

Here's hoping. Keep us posted.

In the meantime, it is Ok, even good, to let your feelings out on this, so keep posting here and do what you need to do.

My work place used to care about us. It has changed and become very negative and demanding ON THE LINE! You are right about the disability thing but I chose not to push it. I need more stress like a hole in the head. I have a voc rehab app I am doing tonight and may indeed ask them to go with me. Thanks Dex. It stinks to be where i am right now. I have given my children's growing up years to these people and this is what I get. Well, I will take care of myself one way or another. I am planning on seeing doc first thing tomorrow and getting a referral for another MRI as well as the pain clinic. I am so very tired. I would love to sleep 24x7. Maybe the depression poking in again but I think it's more stress and ptsd triggers. Thanks for your ongoing support. You have no idea how much it means. I have not felt very supported lately.

((((((((ww)))))))) I'm wondering if it's possible for you to change jobs. You've been under so much stress and BS from the company, it's just not right. I also know that you can't afford not to have a job, so would it be possible to find a job first and then resign? I'm worried about you.

Me too SS, I am looking at another job and will have a friend write up a resume tomorrow. There is part of me that feels like collecting unemployment. I just don't need the anxiety. I just filled out my Voc Rehab forms so that is a help.

How about the unemployment? It sounds like you need a little time to recoup. Would you in any way be eligible for short term disability?

Hugs,

Jan

Short term doesn't start until you have been out of work for 3 months. Unemployment or the other less stressful job are options. They will have to fire me cause I did nothing wrong, have been a great employee have been dedicated to my job and I don't deserve to just put it down while they are trying to force me out.

I was in a similar place with my job 11 years ago when I ended up going out on medical leave of absense. I did my job so well.....to the point they wouldn't let me transfer back into the technical end of aerospace engineering. Unfortunately, I was trapped in a position I hated....(I think you like your job....just overworked?). When we are so good & give so much they really find out how much is missing when we aren't there. I got so stressed out from hating the situation I was in......then the northridge earthquake hit.....so it looked like that was the problem when it wasn't. I was being treated for anxiety which was so bad I couldn't handle it.....& then they would call & ask me how I was from work...& my anxiety would go through the roof.

My situation got way worse & depression set in because I realized that I was never going to go back to what had been my career & I lost my identity......to top of the anxiety that I was experiencing. I just left on the medical leave of absense for an indefinite length of time, & saw the paperwork just the other week where I went out of work in Jan 1994 & wasn't let go from the company untio 2001. I got all the sick leave pay that I was entitled to & then I ended up on disability.

During that time, I too ended up with chronic pain (24/7 migraines) with the ER room visits for my 200mg of demoral every 3 days. The question of addiction & rebound pain always came up until I found the most awsome pain specialist 3 years ago. He decided that the 200ug/hour of the duragesic fentynal patch (that the narcotic is constantly being absorbed into my body) was the answer. He told me that the rule of thumb for determining addiction vs. building up tollerance is basically that :

Addiction: when you keep wanting more of the medication for the feel that you get from it (& that isn't the pain relief feel either).

Tollerance: when you need more medication because it no longer is working at the point where it was working.

Basically with that, you have to be at a point where the pain relief is actually working in the beginning. My migraine would always come back.....because I was undermedicated. Once I was put on the amount that works, I haven't had a migraine since....& I haven't had to up the dosage for 3 years. It takes having a gutsy pain specialist that is willing to up the medication to find the dose that really works without breakthrough pain & not fear the DEA. When my Mother was dying of cancer last year, she was on a smaller dose of fentynal patch than I am on. It is kinda scarry being on that high amount of narcotics. When I had my fall with my horse with the concussion & messed up shoulder, I feared taking any other pain med.

I know that there is always the fear of addiction, but it is usually people who don't have the fear & just want the med that are the addicts....not those of us who really need it for the real pain we are experiencing.

You are not out of line with your need for pain relief & please don't worry about feeling that you are feeling the way you are just to get the meds.....I am sure they are only just helping the pain. I know in the ER, they would call me med seeking.....when all I really was was pain relief seeking. As soon as the pain was taken care of, I never went back to the ER for any pain meds except after my horse fall & that was a single time

Glad your husband is supportive......it is good you have someone for you to make your life at home more simple....but the stress with your daughter & the fighting you had to do trying to get her settled into the treatment center, had to add to your stress, thus the pain from the muscle tightness.

Hopefully you will be able to relax some, hope you can find a job that requires a little less stress, but if you are like me, I strive to be the best at my work & thus the stress to be outstanding & do the job the best I can which puts alot of pressure on myself no matter how simple the job. That is just my personality that I have to figure out how to live with.

Do take care & if you need more time off & don't feel like going back to work would be good for you, stay out until you feel you are in a position where you can function again. You can always tell them that the meds you are taking for your condition aren't allowing you to be able to function & need to stay out until that improves.....that will give you some time to find something else that will work better for yourself.

Sorry for the long reply.....but take care of yourself first of all......if the job isn't there when you are well enough to go back....that is their problem too because you have been giving them 200% of yourself that I bet no other employee has ever given.

Debbie