[Maven]

I have so much I want to say, but I won't get much of it here today. I just have so much frustration and depression in my life, it would be a long post for me to put it all down. But I'm hoping to get a little of it out today.

Before I start, let me just say a few things about myself, for those who don't know or don't remember. I have OCD and panic disorder, which limit me greatly. I don't have a job and can't get one. I don't have a car and can't get one. I need money. It's all a vicious circle, and I want to move on with my life so bad. My mom has been waiting almost a year to get a settlement when she sells her home, but for whatever reason, it hasn't happened yet. She says she'll buy me a laptop computer when she does, so I might have a chance to get some money through writing. The computer I'm using right now is my boyfriend's, and I get limited time on it.

Speaking of my boyfriend, he's a good guy overall, but neither of us wants this relationship permanently. I'm not perfect, so don't think I'm saying that I don't have faults, but I want to vent a little about him, if that's ok. As soon as he's home from work, he gets on the computer to play games. He'll have periods where he doesn't do this, but it's the usual. I know people get into games; I've played some myself, but I'm not really a "gamer." I cook dinner when he comes home, generally. I hate cooking, but I do it. Afterwards, I'll watch TV and entertain his bird. Sometimes I'll go to him and try to tell him a joke I heard on TV or make a quick comment (I know not to bother trying to get into a conversation), and sometimes he'll listen, but most of the time, he says nothing, or gives a little grunt, or acts annoyed with me. When he does come into the living room, it's usually to watch a show, or sometimes to read, and again, I have to keep quiet (which I understand, during an interesting TV show) or get the grunts while he reads. He might talk to me during commercials, or he might go back to his game until they're over.

While I don't "desire" him, we haven't had sex in about six-and-a-half years. He says he has no stamina, because of his weight gain, and I understand that, but it doesn't change anything. I want to be hugged, touched and loved. I'm very overweight, too, and face a lot of physical challenges because of it. I want out of this relationship, and I want to kiss a man, be touched by a man, be made love to by a man. Even if my boyfriend would have sex with me, I'd still want out and want a really compatible man. I'm leaving out a lot of things I want to say, because like I said, this post would be long, and probably exceed any character limits. Also, I know it's hard to read long, depressing posts sometimes.

One thing about me you should know, sex is important to me. I'm not getting graphic here, but many people think it's not important, and that's fine for them, but not for me. A lot of people don't understand this, but intercourse is painful for me. I've had different diagnoses, but the latest one is that I need to be "stretched." (I had sex off and on for six years since losing my virginity, but I guess that wasn't enough.) Nevertheless, I have a strong sexual desire (although it suffers because of depression), and want to be held, loved, in a man's arms, as much as possible before I die.

My weight is a big issue, but I am working on it, so I won't get into it right now, even though I have issues to talk about concerning that.

I feel like I have so little control. I don't have anyone to talk to, but I don't like talking on the phone much (it hurts my ear, and I'm usually too busy). I generally have to ask my boyfriend for permission for things, since he usually pays for them (buying books, ordering pizza--which is very rare, because he doesn't like pizza much, ordering a movie off Comcast OnDemand), and it makes me feel like a child. Sometimes I get eager for things and bug him. I don't mean to, but there's something inside me that compels me to be that way; I basically think there's a part of me that will never grow up. Other parts of me are very mature.

My dreams are fading away, and it's killing me. I hate my life. No one can understand me. My therapists have never gotten it; they want me to give up my dreams and just be happy in the life I have, but only a person with dreams who can't imagine living any other way can understand how I see life. I have always wanted to be an actress in film and TV, and that's the only life I want. I want the chance, because if I don't even get a chance to pursue it, then I'll regret never having even tried, and if someone doesn't get that, then f*** him or her, because they can't help me.

I worry about other people, like my mom, and feel helpless because I know I can't do anything to solve the whole problem. My mom will die someday, and I'm scared she'll suffer, and be terrified (I especially fear for her being in a state of panic, like I have with panic attacks, and I can't help or save her). Sometimes I think of all the pain and suffering in the world, and I well up with emotion and start crying. I become overwhelmed when I think of animals suffering and being abused. I feel horrible about animal abuses in my past, even when I wasn't responsible for it. (I didn't stand up to my dad when I knew my dogs weren't getting enough food, despite him telling me one can a day was enough. They were skinny! But I was afraid of him.) I have such heavy guilt, some deserved, much of it not.

Sometimes I just want to scream. I get stress headaches, and I am almost always on the verge of tears, ready to spill them out in an ocean of misery. And no one to hold me or comfort me.

I wanted to post sooner, but it's hard to get started on this kind of post, because it all begins spilling out, and the emotions take a lot out of me. Thanks for letting me rant and get some of it out.

Maven, first let me say that i am so glad that you did post and get some of your frustrations out. i'd be frustrated too, if i lived with someone who paid me as little attention as your BF pays you. i'm sorry that he treats you as he does.

you mentioned your weight and i wanted to ask you if you do anything physically to help lose some of the lbs? walking is the easiest and cheapest thing that we can do and it is also one of the very best exercises around. it's easy on our joints and even if it is only half a block at a time, it helps the metabolism and increases a feeling of well-being within us. watching your portions and eating more vegetables and grains also helps.

i understand about wanting to be held and touched. i've been single 15 years and the desire to be loved never goes away. that is a very normal feeling.

perhaps you need to change Ts and also work on that weight. it sounds to me as if that might be something positive that would give you some good feelings about yourself. and you're pretty down on you right now. don't beat yourself up, just get up and take control of your life. in ten years, you don't want to be there..doing the same thing.........xoxoxo pat

[Maven]

Thanks, fayerody. I'm not exercising lately, although I plan to start again. I'm trying to get control of my eating first. While I'm allowing myself hot chocolate, when it runs out, I'm not getting more. That's one of my treats as of late. I didn't buy more mini marshmallows last grocery trip, which I'd normally do for hot chocolate. I am going to try to resist buying more whipped cream. I didn't buy ice cream or any junk, I'm happy to say.

I do want to start walking, but it's too cold right now. I also worry about people striking up a conversation with me, because they might touch me or want to be social, which can lead to inviting me into their homes, or wanting to get together later, and my OCD can't deal with that. Even though I'm open about my OCD, I get very shy about explaining certain things about it, because I'm ashamed. Plus, people get frustrated with me easily, because I will have to tell them I can't do this, or this, or that, because of my OCD, and I'm I'm ruining any fun for them (or me). I prefer to avoid dealing with that. Plus, our neighbor might be out, and she wants to get together and do stuff. I couldn't say no to going into her apt. when my bf and I came home from grocery shopping one night. I excused us to go put our stuff away in our apt., but we had to go to her apt. after, and then when we went home, I had to do a lot of washing.

I know vegetables are excellent, but I just can't seem to stick to cooking with them, and eating them. I hate washing fruits and veggies, having to cut them up, and all that. I'm not crazy about the taste of many, and can only eat so much before I'm bored mad. I do like salads now and then, but I don't like making them. I still hope to get more veggies in my diet, but so far, I've not done well at it.

I am working on getting off my meds so I can stop seeing a T altogether. I can't afford any other T's in my area...I've called, and the few who take Medicare still require a co-pay I can't afford (nor my boyfriend, who pays my co-pay, actually). I've seen many T's over the years, and right now, I have to depend on a clinic.

it sounds like you're taking some positive steps to help yourself!!! have you tried walking around the apt...even for ten minutes. my sister walks in her house. and not buying the "treats" is big. i have to be very vigilant about going to buy gros. i never go when i'm hungry and i only take a set amt of money with me. keeps me straight.

keep posting, xoxoxo pat

[Maven]

Yeah, I am going to start walking. I figure I'll walk around the circle first (our apartment complex has several sections, all in circular formation), and as I get more used to it, stroll into other circles, and keep at it until I get dizzy! LOL! No, after that, if I get that far before moving on (I'm trying to stay positive), there are other roads to explore.

We generally grocery shop after dinner, so I've had a full tummy. I don't pay, so the money is in my bf's control.

BTW, I really love that Jimi Hendrix quote/lyric.

[Rhapsody]

Dear Maven.

I felt your pain and sorrow as I read your story, for I too have lived through what you so bravely spoke of. I hid behind the weight (my wall of protection, or so I thought) to keep my self safe from the world, from being hurt, from being rejected - from the lust and sexual abuse of men. I longed for sex, to be touched and to be held - as to meet a deep inner emotional need that no other could enter... as to heal my wound. I gave up all that was important to me in life and in love for a FEAR - a fear of rejection, of self hatred, of being replaced, of people and of fears still unknown to me, yet very much alive. I fight each day to remain and I fight each day to leave - I often wonder which will win. Yet I go on for the real me, the one that was lost in the mist of all my pain, screams louder to be here than the friend I call Death.

I fight so that I might feel again... all the good and less of the bad, the unsafe has no place.

Might you too find a reason to go on... to feel and live again.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[DaveyJones]

HI, Maven,

I feel very sad for the way you feel. I really hate being alone at this point in my life, but it is infinitely better than to be alone while you are with someone who is supposed to care about you! I did that the last few years of my marriage, and I would much rather be by myself.

My heart goes out to you in your sadness...there is hope, though, I have seen it happen, and I know that it will happen for you. You are a special, beautiful creature, and you deserve the very best our Creator has to give you.

DJ

[Maven]

Thanks, Rhapsody and DaveyJones. Sometimes I feel like things aren't going to happen that I want, but most of the time, I keep hoping. I want to make things happen, but I don't know how, or I'm scared. And of course, I never have the money.

Davey, I assume the nick is because you look like Davey Jones from the Monkees, yes? Every time I see a post by you, I remember one of my many young celebrity crushes!

[DaveyJones]

Sorry to disappoint you, Mav...I don't have enough self-esteem to think I look like that... but, hey, if it reminds you of good times, that's great!

The truth is that I didn't want to use my usual nick which a bandmate gave me--DaveDanger--I just didn't think it fit well at an MH support site, so I kind of plucked DaveyJones out of the air, thinking more of the "Davey Jones' Locker" thing (where my mood usually lives). I really like it now, though...

DJ

[Maven]

Well, your picture (your avatar) does kind of remind me of the Monkee!

[DaveyJones]

I'm flattered...which end?

DJ

[Maven]

Bwahahahahahaha!!!

By the way, you know Pirates of the Carribean 2 will have something to do with Davey Jones' locker, don't you?