[Greenleaves]

Sigh, I don't even know why my other thread was locked down. No one PMed me about it.

Anyways, I'll start a new thread so I can vent about my problems. I don't want to start a new thread for each and every problem.

Right now I have a serious problem with procrastination. I'm spending way too much time on this site because I'm searching for something. I think I'm searching for a feeling on this site, a feeling of being loved and cared about. I keep posting and posting, trying to find it.

When I don't post about my bad feelings, they build up inside and I feel like hurting myself. It's a really bad coping mechanism, I know.

I'll be nice if people responded to my posts but even if people didn't respond, it would be better than not posting at all.

[LMo]

Greenleaves -- I was typing the PM but hadn't sent it yet!

Post however much you need to, and that's good that you're keeping it all in one thread. That makes it a lot easier for you and your friends to keep track of.

Good luck finding the support you need.

[Lexicon78]

When I first came here, I was doing the same thing you're doing. But I found the site couldn't give it to me. I had to find it from myself. Over time I started to feel better about myself.

Now I just feel terrible when me and the bf fight. I know a lot of people know about all that drama. Anyways, I just want you to know you're not alone. We DO love and care for you but you cannot get that from us. You need to find it within yourself. I wish I could make you feel what you need to feel.

Hang in there and take care.

[Greenleaves]

Thanks LMo, thanks Lexicon

you're right about how i need to find what i need from within myself

i'm just really bad at soothing myself

i should learn ways to soothe myself when i get upset, instead of trying to rely on others to soothe me

[Greenleaves]

Sigh, I skipped classes today because I just didn't feel like getting up. It's really bad of me to do that. Going to classes really helps me learn the material.

I wish...I wish there was a structured environment for me...I wish there was a place I had to report to everyday and I would study there and have some people to talk to.

I know I can do well when I go to class and study. I just lose my way. I do horribly in unstructured environments. High school was structured and I did really well.

There is no structure at all in university. I could skip classes all the time and no one would even notice. It's all up to me to do my studying. There is no class time to do homework or study or whatever...

I don't think I'm an adult yet, even though I am an adult. I have to learn to accept the responsibilities of being an adult. Right now I still live with my parents. I don't think this is helping me become an adult, ie. responsible.

How I wish there was someplace I had to report to everyday to study....

[Greenleaves]

I just found out that someone is ignoring me.

The reason I found out was because this person sent me a supportive PM. I went to reply to it and imagine my horror when I find out that this person sent me this supportive PM only to let me know that I've been ignored.

I'm not sure I understand...

Why would this person send me such a PM only to ignore me? Did this person want to hurt me by letting me know in a subtle way that she/he is ignoring me?

[gardenergirl]

I got a PM from someone once informing me that I was being put on ignore by them, and I could not acknowledge it, since I couldn't PM. It happens sometimes.

I wouldn't worry about it. If someone decides to put someone else on ignore, it's something they feel they need to do for themselves for whatever reason. I suppose you could look at it as a good thing, in that they are hopefully doing it as a positive coping method, but I know it can sting.

gg

[Greenleaves]

I suppose you're right gg, it can be seen as a good thing. I don't want to harm or upset others with my posts and now I know that those who are upset with my posts won't have to deal with them and I would still be able to post the way I normally do.

I guess some people are very sensitive and need extra protection.

It must have been upsetting for someone to tell you that you've been ignored. If I were to ever ignore someone, I wouldn't tell her/him about it because it is *my* problem with their posts and I wouldn't want them to feel bad about posting the things they do.

[Greenleaves]

I'm just smiling right now because people haven't forgotten about me. It's really sweet of people to do that for me.

[LMo]

Are you SURE that you are specifically being ignored, or is it that the person has shut off ALL PMs?

[darkeyes]

LMo, has a good point, once I thought a friend of mine put me on "ignore", but it wasn't meant, personally for me, it was "ignore", or technically, "not recieving PM's", so I wouldn't feel they or the person you think is singling you out as "ignore". People, sometimes just need their space, and that is fine, their is no need to feel anyone is "ignoring" someone.
It's good you can come here and talk with everyone, from my own experience, the majority of members are good listeners and understanding, helping to support another person, or listen. I feel for you, and understand some things you are talking about, my personal view is that much of this takes time,living,experience,self-discipline,self-esteem,growing, maturity wise. We all seek attention, from childhood to adulthood, some seek a lot and some need very little. I think it is something that we use to assure ourselves someone cares ? I don't know the right words, but I think I know what you are driving at. Let me re-assure you, there are many people that do "care", "understand", and relate to what you are going through, and we all feel for you.
You need to learn patience and/or understand, that when you are talking with someone or asking something of them or from them, that they can't just drop everything and run, people, just like you, have many things going on in their worlds, many much more severe and serious than your own stuff. If someone doesn't get back to you, doesn't have to do with you, doesn't mean they are ignoring you or annoyed with you, so do not feel that people are ignoring you.
Many people DO care about you.

DE

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Blogs...a lot of people have blogs in here you ever think of doing that Green?

I hope we won't have many more weeks of winter..I was just saying I cannot recall when that groundhog will be predicting it will be but I bet we will....I think he will see his shadow a lot...that is when winter will go on and on and on..I think...or maybe he will not see it..I dont recall

[gardenergirl]

Feb. 2

Groundhog Day

Great movie

Hard to forget

gg

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You need to learn patience and/or understand, that when you are talking with someone or asking something of them or from them, that they can't just drop everything and run, people, just like you, have many things going on in their worlds, many much more severe and serious than your own stuff. If someone doesn't get back to you, doesn't have to do with you, doesn't mean they are ignoring you or annoyed with you, so do not feel that people are ignoring you.
Many people DO care about you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah darkeyes. I really need to learn that just because people don't respond right away doesn't mean that they don't care. I need to learn to soothe myself more. Right now I'm relying on others to soothe me with I get upset.

I have to remember that people have more serious stuff going on too. The other day I was in chat and I was talking about my problems and how I was very upset. At first I didn't even notice that gurlbballgurl was there too. Her problems are much bigger than mine. She has to deal with brain cancer and chemo and surgery. When I noticed that I started helping her out.

I ended having a long private message conversation with her and I hope I made her feel better. It made me feel good to help her.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Blogs...a lot of people have blogs in here you ever think of doing that Green?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I tried the blogging thing, it didn't work out. When I blog it doesn't feel like people are reading my posts. I like having people respond to my posts.

It feels more interactive in a thread. I don't feel like I'm being heard in a blog.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thanks GG SMACKING my forehead I forgot the movie

Green blogs here seem to have areas where people can comment

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Green blogs here seem to have areas where people can comment

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I know people can comment on blogs. It just doesn't feel the same to me. It takes a long while for a blog to become established and for many people to read it. I don't feel like waiting for that to happen. I feel like many more people read my threads. Plus, I'm not that great of a blogger. Some people are really good at telling stories. I don't think I can compare. People won't read my blog if I can't tell interesting stores.

[jmo531]

Hi Greenleaves,

I have been reading through this thread and one thing that has struck me is that you appear to be very lonley. I know how that can feel and I am sorry your in that place right now.

You have tons of courage to come right out and ask for friendship, not many of us have that courage. I myself tend to back away and isolate. I know its not the best way of coping but its the only way I know how.

The one thing that you have to understand is that "people" can not make you feel better. "People" can not soothe you. This is something that you have to learn to do on your own. Because in the end, we only have ourself. Ya know?

Do you currently see a T and/or PDoc? Do you take meds?

I only ask because I know that seeing a T has helped me tremendously in the past and know that it can make a real difference. I also take Effexor XR which has also done wonders. I still have my bad days but even the "normal" people do too. LOL

I hope your feeling better soon.


Huggles,

Jen

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have been reading through this thread and one thing that has struck me is that you appear to be very lonley. I know how that can feel and I am sorry your in that place right now.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I'm lonely a lot of the time, especially when I'm upset. I start feeling like people don't care even if they do. I think I forget that they care. Right now I'm less lonely because a couple of people sent me PMs and I'm having conversations with them. It's really nice to get PMs and to get to know people.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The one thing that you have to understand is that "people" can not make you feel better. "People" can not soothe you. This is something that you have to learn to do on your own. Because in the end, we only have ourself. Ya know?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, people cannot soothe me. I have to find some way to soothe myself. People can never give me enough. It's really difficult for me to comfort myself.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Do you currently see a T and/or PDoc? Do you take meds?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I see a pdoc regularly. I'm going to see my pdoc (the one who was on maternity leave) on Jan 30th.

I'm taking meds too. I take 50mg Celexa, 150 Wellbutrin, and 0.75mg Risperdal. My pdoc, the one who is back from maternity leave doesn't know about the Wellbutrin or the Risperdal yet because this other pdoc saw me while she was on leave. I'm worried about what she will think now that I'm on so many meds. Her replacement was into meds, she's more into psychotherapy. She told me once that antipsychotics where not for me. I wonder what will happen now that I'm on one and it does help me? I wonder what she will think? Maybe I let her down?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I only ask because I know that seeing a T has helped me tremendously in the past and know that it can make a real difference. I also take Effexor XR which has also done wonders. I still have my bad days but even the "normal" people do too. LOL

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I think seeing someone for psychotherapy would help me a lot too. The only problem is I don't have enough money to see a T on a regular basis. That is why I'm seeing only pdocs, pdocs are covered by the insurance here. Psychologists are not.

[jmo531]

Greenleaves,


Why are you blaming yourself for taking the additional meds as prescribed by the replacment PDoc? The PDoc that was on maternity leave knows that this is not your fault. Dont blame yourself.

Are you afraid of being abandoned?

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Why are you blaming yourself for taking the additional meds as prescribed by the replacment PDoc?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I blame myself because I agreed to take the meds. I feel like I'm weak or something. I know it is silly to think that.

I'm just afraid that my pdoc, who is a non meds type of person, will frown upon all the meds I'm taking now. Well, I don't know if she really is against meds, she's not against Celexa...maybe she's only against meds for me... I guess it would be kind of weird to have a pdoc against all meds.

[Greenleaves]

I'm infatuated with an administrator of another online support forum. I think about him a lot sometimes. Sometimes I think he hates me and wants bad things to happen to me and then I get really upset.

He doesn't chat with me. He never replies to my non admin related e-mails and questions. I post about him a lot sometimes.

Recently I got really upset because I thought he hated me and wanted me dead. I sent him many e-mails (very impulsively) with threats against my life. It was horrible.

He then sent me a message saying that he didn't hate me and didn't want bad things to happen to me. He has to send this message to everyone else too now or else he would be giving me special attention. He's really careful about that.

Anyways, now I feel the opposite. I'm back to loving him again. All is well with the world again. I kind of really lost it when I thought he wanted bad things to happen to me.

Anyways, I'm going to meet this administrator in real life in May in Toronto for a get together party. There will be other posters there too. Do you think he will be afraid of me?

[tamzinrose]

Just letting you know I care and I'm here too

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I guess he is the only one who knows but my guess is yes he will be a bit uncomfortable after all you had said and that last joke. You know what joke I am talking about. Jokes like that can make many uncomfortable and serious comments on that stuff can too....then you said you sent threatening letters...that would creep me out if someone did that stuff to me....but I am sure he will be cool and handle it well and there will no doubt be a crowd. It will be fine...Just between now and then take your meds..see a PDOC find a free T and end all death talk over there...maybe do not email him..good or bad

[kimmydawn]

I gotta tell ya, GL, that I feel you need to be far away from any such meeting.

Considering everything that you shared here, it could be disasterous for you to go.

KD