I promised myself that I wouldn't post anymore of my crap but I am hurting so bad so yeah this is depressing so beware

Firstly losing my mum 3 weeks ago well I can't stop crying, Everyday I cry over her, I know this is to be expected but I think of her every moment of the day and the fact that I didn't talk to her in 6 months, What if she died hating me? I will never know I got to know 2 hours before she died (my families fault) They could of told me the day before when she took ill, I wonder if mum told them not to tell me, It keeps going around in my head.

Last week my daughter was diagnosed with autism (I was expecting this) She was also diagnosed with Selective mutism too (never heard of it) I have read up on it now and it does make sense. I feel like I have failed her.

Yesterday next door neighbor posted a letter through my door telling us to stop running all over the house, this is untrue, they are the ones that are noisy, It is like the earth is swallowing me up lately, I can't take anymore.

[Trippin2.0]

Words fail me, idk if anything I even think of saying will help at all... So instead, I'm sending you s, and letting you know I'm listening, and keeping you in pray (((((Tink)))))

ps. I understand how being estranged from your mum is eating you up inside. I was in the same position with my eldest brother (who was MUCH more like a father to me, with an age gap to match). Bcoz of my uncertainty, and the crippling fear that he hated me for being a dissapointment, I couldn't process his death at all until 1 day, almost a year later, my eldest sister told me that the night before he died, they were talking, and he said he was so proud of me... I pray that someone can give you the relief you need in this area

[IowaFarmGal]

Hugs (((((Tinkerbell)))))! Prayers of peace and forgiveness! So hard to end with things unresolved this way with your Mom. Very hard to have a child struggling and blame yourself, I'm in the same spot with my son. Maybe the blame does not belong to you and regretting does not change things so you need to forgive yourself. An obnoxious neighbor is a bit too much under the circumstances, they should be ashamed of themselves! This is probably not much help but sending thoughts of peace and healing to you.

[jen29]

(((((Tinkerbell)))))

Just want to send u many hugs along with my thoughts and prayers for you...am sorry for all u are going through.

hugs,
jen

1. I'm sorry you don't know for sure how your mum felt about you but I'm sure she loved you. It's also important that you love her and continue to do so.

2. Selective mutism is very treatable, and I have seen documentaries depicting girls mostly who slowly learn to talk in front of company.

3. Neighbours can be a pain, we have a lady across the road who we think is catching her neighbour's stray pets and calling the pound. She is very intolerant of loose animals, even cats.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[dailyhealing]

I'm so glad you broke your promise and posted on here! We want to hear how you are doing, so please keep posting if you are hurting.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, that's a lot all at once. Sending you love and hugs, as well as prayers that you may begin to forgive yourself for not being able to say goodbye to your mum. Thanks for sharing this with us Tink!

[kindachaotic]

(((((Tink))))) your post are never *crap*. Please keep sharing.
We are always here for you. (((gentle hugs)))

Tink... I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Just remember there is no bond stronger than the love of a parent for a child. Even if you are upset with the child, they are the most precious love for us. Please don't think the worst about what your mom might have been thinking, chances are it is the farthest thing from the truth.

Keep posting to us, please...

[gma45]

Tinkerbell you are loved! Things will get better for you, you are to good of a person for this to last forever. Don't beat yourself up. I care!

[notz]

((((((((((Tinks))))))))))))))

My father and I had an argument and he died 2 days later without me ever seeing him again. The feelings of guilt still runs through my head now and then. But what happened is just what happens normally in life and you move on because you have to. I won't ever forget but I try not to go down the path of beating up on me. Please be good to you. I am so sorry about your Mum and your daughter. And I think your neighbor's timing sucks.

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry Tinks that things are so overwhelming for you right now. I'm here if you need to PM.

Thank you

I know that I will probably get over this guilt in time but right now I can't help it, I feel anger towards the rest of my family for not telling me about mom becoming ill the day before she died, I could of had more time with her instead of just 2 hours she was heavily sedated and when I did see her she looked awful and those images are haunting me

*Trigger*

My brother (my abuser) was trying to get a reaction out of me at the hospital bear in mind that I hadn't seen him in 10 years, He pushed the door right in my face and his girlfriend was shouting abuse at me calling me a liar, It was so traumatic. All this is so upsetting.My aunt was also abusive to me. They think I am to blame.

[notz]

((((((Tinks))))))))

[Trippin2.0]

(((((Tink))))) that must've been so aweful, please don't blame any of it on you some people are just turdy by nature, don't allow them to infect you with their toxicly diseased filth.

[lynn P.]

((Tinkerbell)) - I'm sorry you feel psychologically overwhelmed over your mothers sudden death, family members getting in your face and your daughters diagnosis. I understand that feeling of intense pain and I usually don't share my own story on someone elses thread but I will a bit now.

My brother who was bipolar alienated himself from his family. I found out he died by his former business partner who saw an ad placed in the newspaper by the city - saying "if anyone knows who blank blank is, please claim your loved one". He died from AIDS. Then a few yrs later my 2nd oldest brother ended his life and then a double whammy. My SIL went ahead and had him cremated without letting us pays our respects first. I was fuming mad and shocked so much that I couldn't attend the service because I was afraid of what I might do. I'm sharing this with you because I didn't have closure with either brother. Then I went through the marriage devastation, so I've have my share of kicks in the teeth.

What I can say is - your mother knows how you feel and this was meant to be. Her spirit knows what's in your heart. It could be your family was being spiteful. This happened to my husband - his mother specifically told her kids, not to notify my husband and didn't want him at her funeral. A family member did tell him but he chose to respect her wishes.

Do you have a therapist? Its fine to grieve but please take care of yourself. Don't dwell on, "what if's and should have's". You can't let this destroy you - your mom had her life and you'll continue to have yours. Just when you think you have no strength left, a glimmer of courage will rise. I'm sorry about your daughter and I hope she gets the right help. Gentle hugs to you ((Tinkerbell)).

Thanks

No I don't have a therapist but I am top of the list for CBT.

I have just found out that my brother has moved in with dad.

Lynn I am sorry about your brothers it is very sad, I also lost 2 brothers too, This time though it is my mom I feel so bad, I think if I was talking to her it would be different, I feel guilty even writing this stuff about her now that she isn't here

[Miss Laura]

Hey Tink!!

Wow, you are really struggling aren't you! You know you are in my thoughts everyday. September will come soon enough and you and your Daughter can start re-building her life again with treatment etc. You are allowed to grieve.... give yourself time to process all that has happened in the last 3 weeks..... they have been very long and a lot has happened. As for your Brother well all I can say is ignore.... I really gon't know what else to say.

Have you looked into "free" counselling.... they do this in Scotland you only get 6-8 sessions but that's great considering they are free. If you want to know the name PM me ok!

[Open Eyes]

Tinkerbell,

There is nothing wrong with coming and sharing your struggle. When someone is grieving they need that from time to time. It takes a long time to process the loss of a family member. And we never really stop missing that person. It really is important to allow yourself to let go of any guilt. You WERE there in her last moments and you know what? Some people wait for that so they can finally let go and be at peace. Yes, she may have been groggy etc, but a mother knows the essence of her children beyond that state your mother was in.

Some day, just pick a flower or buy a small bunch and take a drive to a river or a lake and talk to you mother, tell her you love her and miss her and place the flower in the lake to travel along to her spirit. You can always express your love for her anytime that way.

I personally believe that it is only the body that dies, the essense/spirit just get released and moves on. So your mother's essence is still there and you can tell her anytime how much you miss and love her.

And as far as your daughter is concerned? You are going to have a challenge, yes, but be thankful that you live in a time where there is help for this and they are still studying it so you can learn about what it means and how to be a good mother to her.
I know that this condition is not new, and there have been times where parents did blame themselves and didn't have help with children that struggled with autism etc.

Try to think of the glass half full, and not half empty.

(((Hugs)))

Open Eyes

[bsgirl67]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell.

I promised myself that I wouldn't post anymore of my crap but I am hurting so bad so yeah this is depressing so beware

Firstly losing my mum 3 weeks ago well I can't stop crying, Everyday I cry over her, I know this is to be expected but I think of her every moment of the day and the fact that I didn't talk to her in 6 months, What if she died hating me? I will never know I got to know 2 hours before she died (my families fault) They could of told me the day before when she took ill, I wonder if mum told them not to tell me, It keeps going around in my head.

Last week my daughter was diagnosed with autism (I was expecting this) She was also diagnosed with Selective mutism too (never heard of it) I have read up on it now and it does make sense. I feel like I have failed her.

Yesterday next door neighbor posted a letter through my door telling us to stop running all over the house, this is untrue, they are the ones that are noisy, It is like the earth is swallowing me up lately, I can't take anymore.

Hello, I am bsgirl. BE STRONG GIRL. I lost my youngest cousin, like a sister to me, I am an only child, with not Knowing where she was, or did she want to see me. See, her Big Sister, my oldest cousin DECIDED FOR ME THAT UNDER NO SHAPE NO WHAT SO EVER WAS SHE TELLING ME WHERE MY "sis" was. So, She passed away. And I willl never know. My son had ADHD, but the ODD, is what and where I failed him. See, I am divorced ,single, and disabled. So, his father abused us , served time in jail for it, and black balled me about our son. What was I to do? I felt TRAPPED. Now i am paying for it. MY SON WALKS OVER ME AND USES ME, AND YA, somewhat afaird of him. bsgirl67

[shezbut]

(((((Tinkerbell)))))

I am so sorry that you are in such pain and distress right now! You and your daughter are in my thoughts and hopes for some relief soon. You both deserve so much more understanding and support than you currently have!

Never forget that we are always here for you at PC, Tink! We never tire of hearing about how you are & what's happening in your world. So, please don't worry about that, okay? Soft and comforting hugs to you sweetie!!

[dagorelbrab]

Tinkerbell , i am sorry for your loss, it hurts when we lose a loved one, even one that we may not have been along with or the nicest person to, they are still and will ever be our loved ones, and it hurts, just because you didnt get to see her does not mean your mom didnt smile as she recanted your life through her eyes, watching you grow into into person you are, , , could you, Ever, Not ' love your own child ? could you ever not love your own mom? your mom may have been really po'd at you, but she loved you very much, you can bet she wants nothing but Your happiness, and she loved you very much, thats just what moms do , i hope this helps

[wing]

Tink, when my dad died of cancer, he had plenty of time to talk to me about what he thought of me, and never said a word. I craved his approval all my life and never got it. My mother told me that Dad told my brother how proud he was of him, and all kinds of other positive things. Me, nothing.

When a person passes there are all kinds of emotions and family dysfunction that can occur initially. It's been a year and I have (mostly) let go of these feelings of shame, anger, resentment and jealousy toward my bro and my mom. I know I got shortchanged in the whole process of his passing, and shunted aside because of my MI.

I guess what I'm trying to say is tht I understand how it feels to have unfinished business with someone who's gone, and resentment toward the family for what was and wasn't done. It still hurts, but is lessening along with the pain of losing Dad.

Many hugs to you, and keep posting. We want to support you.