[Distantmalice]

after i got out of school i started thinking of hurting people, very brutally:P
im pretty lonely, and my mind seems to take a mind of its own(that sounds confusing)
i was able to suppress that emotional problem, but then my mind told me that i was a rapist and that all of my female friends were targets. i kept trying to tell my mind that im not that kind of person and i was able to suppress it somewhat, although i still get tortured from time to time.
but now, 7 days ago, my mind started to call me a pedo, unfortunately, it was able to convince me that i was all of these horrible things. i don't know why its torturing me, but it doesn't feel like me, it feels like a horrible sentient or whatever being with its own mind, like i stated before.
it gotten to me so bad, im too scared to go near women,children, and some men, because i REALLY DO think im these things.
im scared!!! i know im not these terrible things that my mind tells me i am.
i've never committed a crime, and the only real problem i've had is my depression, which had been recovering for about 2 years up until these problems started emerging.
i need help. please, someone help me..
i've tried crisis hotlines, they keep redirecting me to other people and asking all these wayyy too personal questions.
i've tried talking to my parents.
they don't understand where im coming from..
i keep trying to explain..but to no avail.
my friends are never around, having ditched me years ago while telling me to go get help.
i have no money, and i have no skills, so i can't get a job, nor do i know how to do anything..
so im stuck. stuck to become more insane.
stuck to be a slave to my terrible mind.
i don't know what to do, I DONT KNOW!! IM TRAPPED!

[Distantmalice]

hello?...anyone?..
ah, you don't have to reply i suppose..

[lynn P.]

((Distantmalice)) - have you been diagnosed officially or sought help yet? Do you have any OCD symptoms? We can't diagnose you here but we can listen and try to guide you. Would you say you're appalled at these thoughts, rather than being like a psychopath who likes to have thoughts of violence?

If these are unwanted thoughts and you have no intention or fear of losing control and committing a crime - these could be intrusive thoughts. This mean the thought barges in and makes you upset and doubt yourself. Remember you're not your thoughts and you don't have to listen them. I use this example - if a person has the thought "go eat that garbage"......does this mean the person likes garbage? Of course not right?

There should be some free clinics or if you're still in school they have counselors. If you really don't believe you would harm anyone.......make sure you tell them you wouldn't hurt anyone. The main thing is to find the root cause of the intrusive thoughts. For now I hope knowing you're not those thoughts , will help a little.

[Miswimmy1]

I agree with Lynn. If they are intrusive thought that u know don't make sense, then it could be OCD. If u enjoy these thoughts and have malicious intentions, then that is an issue. Either way, it sounds like the thoughts are interfering in your life and I suggest seeing someone about it. Talk to a counselor at school, an adult, anyone. Sometime it takes an adult to get your 'rents to see it. Medication and therapy are both effective treatments...

[Distantmalice]

oof, like i said in my original post, im scared of these thoughts because i know its not me:/
it does feel like thier invading or intrusive:O
i have an appointment on the 6th of september so mabye i can get some help there:P
i just don't want to be alone with these thoughts, cause im pretty scared of becoming something im not:/
you know?
i managed to purge these thoughts somewhat but thier coming back.
they so want to come back, i hear it and im frightened like hell:/

[Miswimmy1]

The fact that u are scared tells something... It could be paranoia or another form or anxiety. Breathe. Really breathe. It's great that u have an appt. in the meantime we are here. Focus- what is it telling u? What is the likelihood that what it is saying is true? Know that it is ur brain that is at fault. Not u. That is an important distinction.

[Distantmalice]

everything that needed to be said is in my original post:P
i had never had these intrusive thoughts before, they kinda just...appeared.
i know its not me.
this isn't who i am.
im not one who favors rape or violence or the sort.
so its frightening that i have another voice thats invading.
its pretty hard to function normally with these invading thoughts.
i don't want to end up on the news being charged with a crime or anything.
i don't want to end up like those people who do horrible things.
im not into those terrible things.
oh, i just don't understand this:P

[Distantmalice]

please..anyone please answer.

[Setso]

hang in there dm,
Did u face rejection recently?
Don't worry ur not alone, u have us a the least

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It's past the 6th, how did the appointment go?

Those definitely sound like intrusive thoughts. And possibly the distress about the thoughts is also giving you panic attacks? Fear of the fear itself. That always causes me to think far too much into things.

If you're scared of being a rapist, you're not one.
If you're scared of being a pedo, you're not one.
Only someone who fully embraces what they are embodies their beliefs of themselves. This applies to both good & bad things. "I believe I am a bad person, therefore I must do bad things." "I don't deserve love, so I attract unloving situations." "I am smart, so I must pursue knowledge." "I am creative, therefore I will create."

Sorry if that was rambling. I just figured you needed additional reassurance to calm your anxieties.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Distantmalice

please..anyone please answer.

hey-

i have intrusive thoughts. violent and sexual.

statistics show, though, that people who experience tehse thoughts, however distressing and uncomfortable they can be,

those people normally don't act on them.

[Distantmalice]

my appointment was rescheduled:P
im freaking out, i managed to purge those unwanted thoughts...
but thier coming back:P
good god, thier coming back..
why, why do i have to be born with these mental problems..
i don't know what to do, i don't know what to say.
i want the pain to stop.
help me..
save me from my mind

[Raindropvampire]

I get very violent thoughts sometimes. It's almost like having a split personality. Like some violent intruder is sharing my mind and telling me things. I don't know if this will work for you but I use music. As soon as I hear that other voice I focus on the lyrics to some safe song I like. Usually I use Imagine or Row row row your boat. The second one is good because it's a round and trying to focus on keeping the song going in several different voices keeps my mind occupied and keeps the other thoughts out. I'm 36 and after many many years of this crap I'm actually pretty good at cutting off the bad thoughts as soon as they start. Good luck to you I hope you find a way to cut them off.

[Dr.Akhil]

if u r in such distress as is obvious in ur post, i think u should get medicinal help to calm u down. because with such amount of anxiety, u will not be able to comprehend whatever is told to u.

[Distantmalice]

these bad memories
that tell me that im something im not..
they keep repeating
repeating
repeating
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!@!!!!!D:<

[SisterSRN]

I don't have any experience with this, Distantmalice, but I do believe (from my own experience) that thoughts can be changed. I have - with a lot of help - learned not to call myself names, tell myself I'm stupid, worthless, etc., as I used to do all the time.

The good thing is that you know they are telling you you're something that you're not. So the thoughts are not who you ARE. You say 'bad memories' - - a lot of people who have had bad things happen carry the guilt and shame around even though what happened to them wasn't their fault. Like your subconscious is trying to punish you over and over again.

I hope your appointment is soon and hope you get into therapy. It takes work to get better but it's worth the effort. Please keep us informed.

[Distantmalice]

..im sorry, mabye i should just go away.
i don't think the appointment will help honestly.
its over for me.
i need to end myself before i lose who i am.
i wanted to do great things in life!
i wanted to become a violinist, and a book writer, whom would become quite famous.
but i have so many mental problems.
normal life just isn't possible for me anymore.
and no matter how much i want to do great things,
theres the voice inside my mind, telling me that i am the terrible things i described in my first post.
and it never stops.
i want the suffering to stop.
i want it to end.
i want to stop existing.

Normal life is possible with a mental disorder. It's just that usually the disorders themselves try to trick us otherwise, because it's as if they want to win. And if you ever want to play the violin or write those books? You can't give up like that. Give the appointment a try. It may take a few visits before they will give you a diagnosis & treatment, because they need to get to know you. But I promise, with enough work, it IS worth it & you can reclaim your existence.

Distant Malice, I can really relate to you. I am 28, and I have schizophrenia. It is very confusing. You sound like you are entering a state of psychosis. This must be your first time, that is why you may not recognize this. It is hard to tell reality from what ever else there is besides reality. You should get somewhere that you cannot hurt yourself or others at. I have had to visit a hospital for inpatient care from time to time. It gives you a safe place to be until those thoughts pass. Then you can work on strengthening yourself. You can also find healing from the condemnation. I am here to tell you, you are not a bad person. That voice is trying to see if you will believe whatever it says. It is a liar. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I suggest you tell your parents you don't feel safe and you are psychologically fragile at the moment. They may not be familiar with the process of checking you into a hospital. They will need to realize that this is an emergency. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

By the way. Voices told me that I shot J.F.K. That I assassainated John Lennon. And that I crucified Jesus Christ. I had to prove to myself that I did not kill those people. I loved those people. I was born in 1984, years after each of those people were already dead. That is how I know that voice is lying. It lies only. That is a bad voice. Not bad ears.

[InMyMindsSight]

Does it get worse when things are worse with your family? Or at times that you feel helpless? Check out Harm OCD too..it may be similar...being afraid of doing things you wouldn't do..it happened to me when I was on a bad med..was developing chronic pain and a lupus like disease...I have PTSD with an unsupportive family..and it was flares of the fight or fight mechanism and extreme anxiety because I was trapped and helpless in an abusive situation..the thoughts were a way of directing suicidal thoughts away from myself i think..i was scared of the worst things happening that were not my character..(now that I think about it they were probably much related to other people thinking bad things of me that weren't true)..I also have horrible self esteem and will punish myself and think I'm a loser because my family does..I am subconsciously self destructive because of it ...it seems to change when I'm not surrounded by them and not alone...finding councelor may be super beneficial if any of this is similar to you..or even if not...I'm alo sorry it took people a while to reply..and know it was scary...something to distract until u get to each appointment may help...lavendar oil on ur pillow or valerian root (this one was really helpful for my anxiety at times and sleep)...I will sing a song when I hurt a lot..counting down "only a few months..weeks days..hours minutes...only a second longer till it goes away"...and some slow breathing techniques...you can go to the er if u need to...it is calming to break it up in chunks like minutes etc...hope something of my post was helpful...am keeping u in mind..hugs

Amazing and true advice InMyMindsSight. Well said indeed. I agree wholeheartedly. We are here to support you. You are definitely not alone or trapped or doomed. There is healing. There is hope. You are not lost forever my friend. Please update us with any new happenings. If you're in the hospital and don't see this until you are released, the same is always true. Maybe if you can plant yourself here for a while you can come out of this shortly and decrease your symptoms. Praying for the best for you my friend. Sincerely, Glinda Gail

Hi Dmalice. Hope it's relaxing a bit for you. Come on here anytime and let us know how you are. It's tough right now but keeping in touch with people here can help keep your perspective and support you. May I ask when your appointment is? Keep your focus Dmalice and keep in touch. It's scary and daunting when you don't understand why you feel bad. Get the appointment done and let people who understand these things help you. They can and do help people all the time. Just hang in there man. Let it all hang out here if it helps. There's plenty of time to work things out in life after you get some help with what's going on in your thoughts. Remember that.

[Distantmalice]

oh my!
thank you all so much.
i feel like such a monster and a brat, but your all so good to me:O
october 6th? i think thats my apointment:P
ah:P i really wish i could help you all sometime

Let us know how you're doing Dmalice. Hope your day is going well. Pop on anytime if you need to voice some thoughts.