Is there nothing left for me to do?

Something that I have been thinking about is whether or not there is anything left that can be done about me, i.e., if I have reached a point where I cannot improve anymore. Whenever I use PC or see my T, and let me say that I have been in counseling for one reason or another for almost half my life, it appears as though I encounter the same difficulty with communicating how I feel and understanding what others are telling me.

Examples of conversations that I have…

People: You shouldn’t compare yourself to others; there will always be someone better.
Me: But if there will always be someone better than what value do I have?
People: You’re honest, kind, and loving!
Me: But if I was honest, kind, loving, and still further accomplished in another field, wouldn’t that make me more valuable?
People: You can’t measure people’s value like that.
Me: Then how does one develop a positive self-esteem without having an understanding of their value?

Me: I am unlovable.
People: No you are not. You just haven’t found the right person.
Me: Who’s to say there is a ‘right person’? Moreover, who is to say I will ever find the ‘right person’?

We seem to have difficulties understanding each other, which, I think, might be a consequence of different methods of interpreting the world. Naturally, I question and dissect everything, because I don’t know any other way to understand a subject - how can I know if something is accurate or not if I am unable to analyze the substance beneath it? If I don’t analyze the substance supporting a statement or belief, i.e., if I am to trust it or unconditionally accept it as it is, then how do I know if it is accurate or not? (It should come as no surprise that Philosophy was one of my better subjects in school.)

Take a statement like, “I will find love one day.” As much as I would like to believe that is true, how do I know if I will find love in the future? If I can’t determine the accuracy of a statement, or in this case the probability of finding love in the future, then to me I am repeating a blank statement to myself with no real meaning to it. Consequently, saying it to myself does not make it true, and it does not make me feel better about who I am.

A second issue I have is that I am unable to feel positive about myself. Whenever I am talking to my T or others, I am told that something I have done I should feel proud about, such as having articles published in a national newspaper, or having a photo come in 2nd place in a competition, but I don’t. Even when I have met my own standards for myself, like having achieved a 102% on a final math exam once, I still don’t feel good. All of it goes in one ear and out the other with no affect on how I feel that day or about myself.

Which brings me to my initial question: is there anything else that can be done about me, or have a reached a point where I can’t mentally and emotionally improve anymore? I don’t know what I can do to feel better about who I am or if I ever will feel good about who I am.

People in general and therapists try to comfort you when you talk to them about your issues. Since you are of the analytical mind, comfort is not really helpful, at least most of the time. You need a little more reason, logic, and perhaps new/stronger beliefs. Maybe a new perspective of yourself/life. A radical perspective.

Take for instance human society. If you watched us from far above, almost in space, we might look like ants within concrete and steel colonies. You have queen ants, solider ants, food and supply ants, nursery ants, etc etc. If you watched us from above, we would look like a seamless colony of ants.

Now take a closer look a one of those ants, you. What is your role/title/job in the colony? What part do you have? What part do you want? Maybe you want no part. Maybe you want to create a part that never existed before. Maybe you want to explore. Maybe you don't know what you want right now.

Maybe it's time to take a break from the game of life and enjoy whatever you can. Take a journey of discovery.

Edit: I just realized this could be viewed as a negative attack on you. It was not my intention. My point was trying to get you to distract yourself from your pattern of thoughts, you know a fresh perspective. Anyways, Good luck.

My T got a dual major in psychology and philosophy and no offense but nothing you have said here has impressed me that greatly in the philosophy department. It's a buyer's market; get out there, young man. Quit talking, start listening.

hankster,
If I was the OP I would be offended by this comment.
Hopefully he is stronger than I am.
Bluey

Mr V,

I understand how difficult it is to feel good when you've done something well. My exT often told me that I needed to learn to take credit for things that I achieved and to "bank" these achievements in order to build up a better self-esteem over time.

Are you in a position where you're able to volunteer? I've been volunteering for welfare organisations and find that it's not only helpful to others, but also to myself. Personally, I find it's a good way to get "away" from myself - I constantly analyse things as you do, so I know how exhausting that can be. I find that focussing on other people in a positive way by considering and helping them helps to distract me from the conversations in my head that revolve around myself and how I'm feeling.

I hope this is helpful to you in some way.

Bluey

ManicD…

Yes, I think that attempting to comfort me would be the natural reaction, but I am impervious to comfort like that because of my analytical mind.

See that is what works better for me - viewing humanity as a colony of ants. It's an interesting perspective that will require more thinking!

What do you mean "take a break from the game of life and enjoy whatever you can"?

Hankster…

Your post was offensive to me. I was writing this to ask for help with regards to my mental health issues, not to impress other users with philosophical ideas. Also, I worked hard to do well in my philosophy class, and I achieved a 98% final mark. I might not have a double major like your T (possibly because I am 21 years old) but I don't think I am too bad in the philosophy department, thanks.

Bluey48…

It is really hard for me to feel good about an accomplishment because it always seems so mediocre, if that makes sense, like something anyone could do. People tell me that I am intelligent and successful because I am knowledgeable about tarantulas, can take photos of insects, and am active in politics, but none of these feel like accomplishments. Anyone can take a few days to learn how to take good photos, anyone can stand outside with a picket sign, etc. Another odd talent of mine is being able to recite all the world's capital cities in alphabetical order in under 2 minutes, but, think about it, is that the accomplishment that will make me feel better? Would you feel better being able to do that?

I do some volunteer work: I donate blood, am active in a federal political party, and am a member of a few non-profit organizations. I was thinking of volunteering for 'meals-on-wheels' because they're looking for drivers? Yeah, I can see how it helps to escape the analyzing, because you're too focused on something else. Today I was at an anti-poverty rally at the Legislature, which is like an escape from myself.

Just feel like I am stuck in a rut. Whenever I see my T I feel like we talk about the same issues, with the same responses, and ultimately I feel as bad about myself as I did before! She's helped me a lot in the last 2 years but now it's like I can't improve anymore?

I've always wanted to be someone that is super accomplished because it could counter the self-criticism. Magnus Carlsen, for example, is a professional chess player, an international grandmaster, and the highest ranked chess player in history…and he's 22 years old. If I was accomplished like that, how could I be a failure?

But here I am alone, unemployed, broke, in therapy, and dropped out of school…ugh. It doesn't inspire confidence. Sure, things will change in the future, but I'll never be great or accomplished. It's not like working as an average wage worker will make me burst with confidence. I'd like to be someone people respect and admire, not the person everyone feels sorry for and stares at because of all the obviously self-inflicted scars on my arms or the skin condition I have that people like to remind me of.

Mr V have you ever done something that makes you feel good? I ask that to myself so I have small moments of that.

The other thing I find that sometimes it is not reaching the goal, but enjoying the process to get to the goal that gave me some good feelings.

I don't know if these will help you, but those have helped me. I know the brain is the most powerful organ so I always think about what you discuss or say. I consider that as a positive thing for me. I don't know why though.

Life can be viewed as a game, much like a video game with different levels/challenges. You have control of one character in the game, in this case you are Mr. Venomous. You can do anything you like in the game, as long as you understand the risks and basic rules. The game isn't always about challenges or increasing levels. A game is also for your enjoyment. So tomorrow when you wake up, you can decide whether you want to relax and enjoy some part of the game, or whether you want to face another analytical challenge you created.

If you do want to enjoy what the game offers, take a moment and think about something you might enjoy. Do you like musical instruments? Do you like motorcycles? Do you like video games/computer games? Do you like movies? Do you like comic books? Do you like animals? Do you like pet stores? Do you like the zoo? etc etc

You can take a break from the seriousness of the game and play in some of the side adventures. While taking a break, it will give your mind a chance to rest from the usual thoughts and you can come back to the game when you want with a fresh start.

I actually like this thread because I can relate a lot to it. ManicD has such interesting perspectives and gives some wonderful advice!

But back to you. Listen to be blunt, I was single for 6 years, fat, broke, jobless, hopeless, helpless and a scapegoat for mental hospitals. Me and my T sung the same songs you and your T did, the same back and forth, and I kept coming back with the same responses coming from a place of desperation, Just wanted, NEEDED something to change. Like I said I love ManicD's advice. I decided to play the game of life and I think you should too. With no rules. Throw out the rule book. It seems to me you are trying to fit yourself into some kind of category of what you think the perfect happy person is, (the example of the 22 year old grandmaster chess player) who's to say he is not miserable and depressed? He could be very well be.

Lots of wisdom here in these posts. ManicD...you have some very good perspectives. Thank you for your input. Welcome to PC!

Mr V, what they are all trying to say, in short words, is.....enjoy the ride once in a while. Sometimes the journey itself is the adventure. If you are so completely focused on your goal, you're going to miss some beautiful scenery along the way.

I'm sorry you felt Insulted by my post, but I don't understand why your philosophy course didn't teach you more about being humble and depressed as a way of life, and about the fruitlessness of being number one. Embrace your depression and your intelligence. Embrace who you are. For a while I felt I had to be a twin to be special. Obviously that ship had long since sailed! Looking back, I wonder if that idea came from my mother's disappointment in who I turned out to be. Maybe the other one would have turned out more to her liking. I always enjoy your posts even tho I am not into spiders. I am really sorry to hear you are no longer in school. Is there a way for you to get back? And what is this about being the best? Is that from your parents? The "best" changes all the time - that's why the Oscars and the Nobel prizes are awarded annually. Just DO your best. Even as a clerk, you will meet evil. I did as a computer programmer.

You know how to speak a language I understand, Manic.

Viewing life as a game is a foreign concept to me. How do I learn to not take an activity so seriously? I am not sure how to 'relax' and not take something seriously? Even the most mundane and simple tasks I can take seriously - I can become really worked up about a mistake, failure, or mishap of any kind. Reading a novel? I must be stupid I can't understand it. Lose a game? I must be a failure. Take a bad photo? I am a terrible photographer. What do I do when I make a mistake? SI as punishment.

Albeit I am not that bad now I don't think I know how not to take something seriously still? Perfectionism is an all pervasive issue…

And when I am on break from the seriousness, however rare that might happen, I feel bad because I feel like I should be using the time more productively, i.e., working, studying, etc. How am I supposed to be intelligent and successful by taking breaks?

What did you do PlatinumHeart when you 'threw out the rule book'? What did that look like in a realistic sense, i.e. what did you do differently in your everyday life?

Just feel so useless all the time

I definitely don't think you are beyond help. You ask very good questions. But I believe you need to open your mind to more perspectives and possibilities than you are now doing. Consider my added questions below.

People: You shouldn’t compare yourself to others; there will always be someone better.
Me: But if there will always be someone better than what value do I have?
Peaches: Must you be "the best" in order to have value? If so, why? How did you come to set this unreasonable standard for yourself? If other people are not absolutely #1 at what they do, do you also consider them valueless?

People: You’re honest, kind, and loving!
Me: But if I was honest, kind, loving, and still further accomplished in another field, wouldn’t that make me more valuable?
Peaches: Why do you need to be "more" valuable? How valuable must you be in order to feel like you are OK? Who taught you that you are never "enough?"

Me: Then how does one develop a positive self-esteem without having an understanding of their value?
Peaches: You can't. Self-esteem and value are cousins. As you develop a feeling of being valuable, your self-esteem will rise. However, you must analyze what you mean by "value." What makes a person valuable? Can you work to develop those qualities?

Me: I am unlovable.
People: No you are not. You just haven’t found the right person.
Me: Who’s to say there is a ‘right person’? Moreover, who is to say I will ever find the ‘right person’?
Peaches: Who is to say you "won't"? If you want to find a suitable companion, work on qualities that will make you appealing to others and put yourself in situations where you can meet people. However, you should also explore the question: What if you don't find the right person? If you don't, are you doomed to live unhappily for the rest of your life? Are there others people you know who live happily although they are single?

Of course, I'm no expert. I'm a patient like you who suffers from mental/emotional distress. But in reading your questions, I see all sorts of possibilities for opening up wider discussion of these matters. If I were your therapist, I would be very interested in finding out how you developed your views on what it means to be "valuable." Who taught you that you must be perfect in order to be valuable? I think this is a a prime area of emotional work you need to explore with your therapist.

PS - Since you are so analytical, I believe you might benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) if you haven't done so already. It will help you examine your thoughts and beliefs and evaluate them logically to see if they are true and/or valid.

Also, if your very low self-esteem is rooted in feelings you had as a child, and messages you received from parents or others that you were not lovable or valuable as a person, Psychodynamic Therapy can help you to look at those damaging experiences that still affect you so much and interfere with your happiness and self of self-worth today. With your t, you can process those original painful feelings of valuelessness. And then you can work on gaining a more reasonable view of yourself, of what value is, and how you can finally feel that you are good and worthwhile and valueable just as you are.

Perhaps the hardest thing for you may be that to heal, you may need to "get out of your head" and "get into your heart." While logic and reason are very important in life, intellectualizing everything can be a defense mechanism against feeling emotional pain.

I suspect that underneath your deep feelings of being unworthy, there is alot of emotional pain that needs to be uncovered and expressed. If you have never had the experience of being validated, valued, and cared about just as you are, you are lacking an important building block from childhood. But working with a good therapist can be reparative, helping you to feel what it's like to be accepted and valued. By experiencing it, you can then begin to view yourself more realistically, and with more compassion.

It can be really painful to look at those past bad experiences that made you feel unworthy. But by feeling and expressing them, in the safe atmosphere of someone who cares about you, they can lose some of their power over you. You can learn to let go of those painful beliefs about yourself - a bit at a time -- and make room for comfort, self-worth, and hope.

Mr V, I came across a post of Sannah's that I feel is an excellent post to think about.
It does carry the cause and effect that I feel is important to consider for anyone that struggles and doesn't quite know how to "fix" it or really what about them that remains somehow broken.

"Children are basically trained to make decisions for themselves. Erickson's developmental stages between the ages of 2-12 yoa are 1) autonomy, 2) initiative, and 3) industry. The child first learns they are autonomous then they learn to have initiative and then they learn that they can accomplish things. If a parent interferes with this development, the person can end up at the other end of the outcome 1) shame, 2) guilt, and 3) inferiority and unable to be self directed.

Children need that space from their parents to develop these skills. As a parent, I have tried to teach my children certain things and then I have to step back and allow them the autonomy to find their own way. (Being there to help them when needed and teach further)." quote Sannah

This post, as I mentioned spoke volumes to me. I have been making it a point to "self observe" and connect my own "defense mechanisms" and "self esteem" problems all the way back in my life. I also have come to learn more about the "subconscious" mind and how all people are born with pretty much a clean slate in their subconscious minds. And how each of us developes much of how we veiw ourselves, problem solve, gain self esteem, develope defense mechanisms that seem to somehow work for us, along with so many things we do not "consciously" realize.

As I have read your many "questions" and "expressions of what you want" along with your discription of your childhood, I do see a pattern. The pattern I see is of a child that did not get most of the things you keep asking for. And you "have been" struggling with also understanding how to become more "emotionally balanced" as well.

Your constant messages consist of:

I want to find a "human physical presence that will listen to me"
I want to find a "human physical presence that will hold and love me"
I want to find a "real life friend"
I want to be more than just "another person, I want to be the best at something".
I will never feel fulfilled unless I get to be the "best at something"
I am tired of being alone and stuck out in this place I live in where there are so few people and things to do.
I do know how to do things, I had to teach myself though because I can't seem to learn like normal people do.
Everytime I try to have a "live" friend, I get rejected and that makes me angry and confused, and I don't understand "why" that happens.
When I get very frustrated I need to "self harm" and that scars me.
When I cry for help and guidance, all I hear are "just" things to do and it doesn't work for me and now I am at the point where I don't want to hear it. And when I do, I already know that it doesn't seem to work for me.

What you do need to "learn" is that much of what you struggle with is due to what messages your father and mother fed to your "subconscious" mind. That it was not your fault, but these messages have become, "what you believe" about yourself, which is normal to any child who grows up with "disfunctional parents".

On top of whatever we do not get from our parents, we can also suffer from society as well, and that is because without our realizing it, we carry body language as well as messages to others of our "low self esteem challenges" that can be very "misunderstood". Because of that, what almost always happens is we can begin to suffer even "more abuse" that can produce "more" subconscious messages that again sends us messages of "we are less than". All children that experience this will most likely develope "defense mechanisms" that may further cause them harm, but seems to be the only way they can find "a sense of comfort and safety". Along with this can form "anger" at society, as well as "anger" at self. However, depending on what "positives" are also presented and can be adapted as "coping mechanisms", may help that child have "some" forms of "thriving" "inspite of" whatever lacks are there. Because "human beings" are also designed to have some "resiliance" as well in order to survive and thrive, some human beings can become rather "high functioning" inspite of their "inadequate" nurturing. However, that doesn't mean that person genuinely feels "balanced and healthy" and sometimes these people can become "abusers" as well. Some of this is what happened with your father, which made him incapable of being any kind of parent that could give any child even a small percentage of "helpful nurturing", instead, he was infact, and abuser.

Most of us "think" we are who we are, and we were born to be "who we are". We do not realize that much of who we are comes from how we are nurtured and given the right "subconscious" messages that bring us a healthy sense of balance and self esteem.

In order to "heal" from the "unhealthy suconscious" messages we have "accepted about ourselves" we have to be able to understand that "some of our inner emotions and message" are actually "wrong subconscious messages that are of "no fault of our own".

I can say to you V, that I have been working on this myself, and I can say with "certainty" that the process of "self observing" and "seeing my own defense mechanisms built up in my subconscious mind resulting from "abuse" and my own "troubled past" has been a daunting and challenging task.

When I talk about "self love, patience and lots of self care" I mean it, because, there are times when I myself have recognized things about myself that have been "very troubling" and are "sad" and "confusing" and "not easy to help myself "admit, and work through" and try to slowly develope "new and healthier" methods of "subconscious defence mechanisms". I have also had to learn and understand that I have "victim mentality" issues and these issues began at a very early age for me.

However, by allowing myself to also understand that "all" people suffer "some" similar issues and "poor defense mechanisms" I can then realize that I am "only human" and I do" have the capacity to "learn" inspite of whatever I developed in my subconscious that resulted from "abuse and neglect". I also do see areas where I did "survive and thrive" inspite of my troubled history.

I have also had to learn that when others do give me "their opinions" of what they see in me of "value" and "promise" it is also important that I recognize my willingness to accept these "compliments" and "sometimes praise" as being "ok" in my subconscious mind as well. That isn't always easy, because I have to "observe" the times I do not accept it, and why. Sometimes the why, is upsetting tbh, and very sad too. I also have to "observe" what "hurts me" or makes me "angry" too, and some of the ways I may respond "with blinding anger" because that is often very sad too. Even some of my overflowing "empathy" is sad too.

There is something we can all be grateful for however. We are living in a time where we are learning more and more about "the human brain". We have been making a lot of progress in walking away from alot of ignorance that so many of us have suffered from. We are slowly learning that "troubled people" are not just "troubled because they were born to be failures" but they are people that had needs that "all human beings" have that were not met somehow. The human brain is being studied like never before, we are learning so much more than ever before as well. We are learning that the human brain "is" capable of overcoming many things, even a troubled childhood. In the past ten years alone we have come to understand so very much and have been making efforts in developing "treatments and therapies" to help so many that are challenged.

Just some food for thought V. I don't know you "personally" but I can "empathize" with many of your challenges. I do really struggle with PTSD and I feel like I got hit in the head with a hard object and since that time, I have been on one hell of a journey myself. Some days, I do pretty well, but some days I really, really struggle. I have looked into my own personal abyss and it has been very challenging. There are things about myself that I have been really trying hard to understand, as well as trying to "fix" too. I have been lucky to have a good T and things to read that tell me what is wrong with me. I honestly don't know how people in the past dealt with what I have either. Most likely they were probably put away or lived very lonely and troubled lives and were labeled "crazy". I thought that "I survived" the bad things I lived through in my childhood and my past, I never really realized how much it shaped so much of who I am, and how I developed "defence mechanisms, as well as "coping mechanisms" in my "subconscious mind" that are a big part of "who I am".

One of the "constant" statements made to me pretty much most of my life has been "wow, you are a very misunderstood person". When I first joined PC, I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I didn't really understand what PTSD was or meant. I did recognize I was showing many of the symptoms, but what I didn't know is that I was going to get alot worse. When I joined PC, I decided that I would just "let myself be out there" and see if I could somehow "see" what it was about me that was constantly "misunderstood".
What I have been "learning" is not anything I could have ever imagined. PTSD, magnifies everything we feel. And because I was getting worse, all of my "defense mechanisms" were slowly becoming more "pronounced". I have lost count of how many times I have been triggered, had a very "strong" reaction, wanted to run, questioned myself, punished myself, climbed into my bed with total confusion, and yet also had more compassion and empathy than I ever had before. I also got so bad that I was in a very dangerous state of mind. And my life "outside" PC, was horrible because I was constantly being punished because I could not "just" no matter how hard I tried. And no matter how many times I tried to "put into words how badly I was struggling" I never truely was ever "understood". And the one person who has always been my friend, my mother, has demencia and I do not have her there to listen or help. I can't even go and visit my parents who are elderly now, because when I go to that house, I get flashbacks.

I wish I lived closer to you V, because I really would give you an "in person" hug, and I really "would be an IRL person to listen to you too. I am sorry that you struggle, I can relate in many ways, so you are not as alone as you think. What I do see about you though is that for a little boy that didn't have the right father or mother, and struggled, you did "learn how you learn" and have made progress. I understand the challenge V, more than you realize, so I have responded with this post and am letting you know that while it is a challenge, you "can" work your way forward. I can tell you that I have been working on it myself, so I know it is a challenge. I will say that you do have to allow yourself to see things in ways you have not yet figured out. Well, it took me time to figure it out too, but I can tell you, that it is really important to develope a part of yourself that stays strong and remains "your own best friend" and practices lots of self care, patience and willingness to learn, "in spite of" some of the subconscious messages that can lead you to think you need to be "hard on yourself".

Open Eyes

http://www.mtv.com/videos/michael-ja...e-mirror.jhtml

When we struggle, we are not really as alone as we think. Here is a song from someone who we thought of as "a great" and he was, but he still struggled. Maybe "being the best" isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Maybe we really need to reconsider what great really "is".

Open Eyes

Mr. V, have you told your T that you feel like you are stuck in a rut? That might be a good starting point for a session.

Why do you have to be the best at something to have value? Lrt's look at it from a different perspective - only one person can be the best at something. Does that mean eveyone else who tried that thing is worthless? That would mean that most people in the world are worthless.

I'm struggling to offer you something useful. I remember the days I felt as you do. If I wasn't perfect I was worthless and needed to be punished. I'd SI as punishement. Sorry, I'm thinking as I typing. My need to be perfect and feeling I needed to be punished was the result of messages I got from others. As a kid I was never good enough because I wasn't perfect. Later I was punished by my husband (domestic violence) if I was not perfect. It took a ton of work in therapy for me to learn to accept myself warts and all. Today I'm a 58 year old woman who is thick in the middle with wrinkles and greying hair. I am FAR from perfect and I wear my grey hair and wrinkles with honor.

Hon, ain't nobody, nohow in this world who is perfect. Demanding perfection of ourselves is doomed to failure, which adds to that sense of worthlessness.

This is just my personal philosophy, but every human on the planet has value. Actually, I believe every living thing has value just by being.

I don't know your history. Has there been someone in your life who directly or indirectly told you that you had to be the best? Who gave them that power?

I used to teach people to ride horses. Some times I'd work with someone who was getting in their own way because they expected perfection. The stress of trying to be perfect preventing them from doing the best they could. I would give them an assignment to go out and intentionally make mistakes so they could see that the world did not come crashing to an end if they screwed up. Could you try doing the same?

Something else that worked for me, personally, was to tell myself that good enough is good enough. There were times I almost repeated it like a mantra.

I've babbled on here. I hope there was something useful for you.

Life sucks! That is why I hate soap!

A lot to take in!

Perhaps I will talk to her about it; I see her on Monday.

I SI for the same reason - punishment for making mistakes. It's what my dad used to do to me when I was child. (Check your inbox - I sent a link.) Hurting myself after making a mistake feels like what I am supposed to do. Making a mistake or failing can really feel like the end of the world for me.

I stopped doing more competitive chess because I found it such a roller coaster. Losing at chess can be devastating for some of us; it is an activity associated with intelligence. Perfectionism is life-threatening in chess, as demonstrated by the amount of grandmasters I have read about that have committed suicide.

I feel disgusted with who I am. Looking at a mirror, I see this horrible, scarred skin on my face, a result of a skin condition I have, and these repulsive, crooked teeth that I lack the resources to fix. Beyond that, I did terrible in school, especially university, and can't make friends or socialize with others.

Stupid. Rejected. Ugly.

Whatever it is about me that I am told is 'positive' seems stupid that it's not worth talking about. I am told I am talented with photography, but I am sure, absolutely positive, that anyone could take my camera equipment and tinker with it until they are able to take as good or better photos than me.

I was still a child when I was thinking about this. What I thought was that I was abused each day, my dad didn't like me, in fact nobody really did, and I concluded that something had to be wrong about me. I thought that if I was 'perfect' than I wouldn't have to live like this henceforth - if I was perfect I wouldn't be abused, rejected, hated, etc.

Even now I think a lot of the issues I have with socializing is that I am a failure. If I was perfect, how could I be rejected?

Peaches, I did lack that supportive, encouraging environment. In fact, I was abused sexually and physically until my dad killed himself a few years ago. My dad refused to acknowledge me as a person. Even now it's a drastic change to think of myself as a human - I am used to being an object.

I was diagnosed with PTSD about 11 months ago. Here's some of my abuse story for those that haven't read it.

Just can feel like I am so lost and that I can't be fixed

"Just can feel like I am so lost and that I can't be fixed " quote Mr V

I have felt that way myself V, that is a part of PTSD, especially complex PTSD that can go way back to early childhood.

I am glad to hear you are back in therapy, sounds like you have a woman for a therapist now. I hope she proves to be a good match for you, that is important, and sometimes it takes some time to realize you have a good match with a T.

My T is a nice man, very patient, and I had to have that because whenever I had a session with him, I talked and talked and filled his room with so much. It just felt soooo good to have someone listen without telling me to "just deal and get over it".

If I were to draw a picture of me, I would draw a woman in her 50's suddenly having her whole life shattered in pieces on the floor and her trying very hard to figure out all the pieces and put herself back together somehow. And there were so many painful confusing pieces too. It is not something a regular person could understand either.

I think that you should take as much time as you need to talk, because you have wanted that for a long time V, and you need to have the right kind of person who can "listen" and actually "hear" you and even "validate you and help you learn how to finally heal". That is why it is better to have an "experienced" T.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Mr. V, I read your story. My first reaction was that I wanted to wrap you up in a great big hug, but I don't know how you feel about hugs. My secon was "good gawd no wonder he is afraid to make a mistake!"

You are NOT weak hon. You are incredibly strong and resilient to have survived. I also know from personally experience you don't feel strong right now. You feel like a weak failure. At least that's how I used to feel about myself. It took a ton of work in therapy for me to reach a point that I like who I am. Mr. V, I'm no one special. If I could recover so can you.

I've been thinking about your original post the last couple of days. Maybe I can put your need to be perfect in another perspective. You have a great collection of critters. I can tell from your posts about them you have feelings for them. Are they all perfect? Are they the absolute best in the world? My guess is no, yet you still love them. If it's OK for your critters to be less than perfect why can't you be less than perfect?

You question why your father couldn't love you, why he had to abuse you. You say if you haqd been different he would have loved you and would not have abused you. Mr. V, the flaw was in HIM, not in you. People who abuse others have something wrong inside of them. They will use any excuse to abuse soemone else. You could have been the cutest, most cuddly, absolutely perfect child in thew world and he still would have found an excuse to hurt you. It's not about you hon, it's about him.

I'm rambling again....

One last thing... those negative things you are saying to yourself are replays of tapes your father planted in your head when you were little. It is possible to re-write those tapes.

OE…

I am not "back in therapy" - I never stopped. In fact, I will always be in therapy, because I have no one else I can talk to about anything.

I've had a female therapist now since about March, 2011. We have definitely talked about the abusive pass that I have; indeed, she was the one that diagnosed me with Complex PTSD.

What I would like and what I think would be far better than a therapist is to have someone I can connect with on a personal level, if that makes sense. Frankly, I am unable to relax or let my guard down around even the best of therapists, because I am too hidden behind emotional walls to allow myself to do that. The first and only time I ever cried in front of a therapist was in 2012, and I am still stung, i.e. ashamed, that I did that. But having a more intimate relationship ( <---- like that) would mean so much to me . It's way different than sitting on a chair and talking for an hour and a half. I've been doing that for at least a decade now.

Lizard…

I love hugs; it has been a long time since I had one .

It's difficult to answer that. Never have my expectations for myself ever been the same as the expectations I have for others (or my critters for that matter). I would never criticize someone for not being perfect.

When I think about or see myself all I see are flaws, mistakes, bad, and failure. Bad skin, bad school scores, crooked teeth, rejection, etc. .

I can't explain the double-standard that I have. Perhaps I am used to it? I mean, my dad didn't ever mind mistakes others made, mostly it was me that couldn't make mistakes. My sister could make mistakes, she even failed a few grades, but that was okay with him!

I don't know how to fix those mental tapes

I don't like the saying "don't compare yourself to others there will always be someone better" it gives the impression that some people are better than other people when this is just a societal illusion. No one person is better than another person. In fact the world is like a team we need each other to operate at a peak level. If we truly held each other to societies superficial unrealistic standards then every single person on the planet is a loser because the people that we view as "perfect" by popular opinion don't actually fit that superficial perfection that we hold them to when you actually see the person for who they are.....which is a human being. And all human beings are beautiful in some way and we can always find a "flaw" the problem in the world today is that people are quick to point out the flaws. Like the news.....

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

{*{*{*{*Mr. V*}*}*}

You rewrite those old tapes in therapy and by what you tell yourself on a daily basis. Can I share a personal experience? During a session my T wanted me to say out loud "I deserve to be treated with love and respect." I could NOT make the words come out. I literally could not say the words. But I starting saying it to myself. During those times when I was scared out of my head that my husband was going to come after, terrified he was going to kill me I would repeat it in my head, over and over and over.... Oh so slowly I came to believe it. I said before, I ain't nobody special. If I can rewrite those tapes so can you.

Ain't nothin' wrong with crying hon. It helps let the hurt out. But I do understand about the shame that goes with it. I used to get so mad at myself for crying in sessions. I thought it was a weakness. I thought it was a waste of my time during the session. Do you know that tears we shed due to emotional pain are chemically different than other tears? Letting those tears out helps us heal.

I hear you about that double standard. I still have it to an extent myself. I can excuse mistakes in others. I'm all too likely to mentally beat myself up over some mistakes. Still we can learn to cut ourselves the same breaks we would allow others.