[henrydavidtherobot]

A little background:

I'm in my early 20s and in my senior year of my undergraduate. I transferred in and "got to the party late". I am told that I am beautiful, intelligent, and talented. I also am very articulate, altruistic, and funny. I figured that it would be really easy for some one like me to make friends, but I was wrong.

I'm an introvert, so I rely heavily on having a handful of close friends. I'm more mature than almost everyone around me. I have a hard time finding common ground with them. I know that this sounds snobby, but I've also come to notice that I am of higher intelligence than most and enjoy talking about higher level things.

Its easy for me to get along with people, but no one seems to like me. I get dismissed all the time. I'm very active in several organizations, but I often get dismissed for my remarks, even though they aren't controversial.

I was talking to a boy but he was going through some stuff and quit talking to me. I'm way more hurt by it than I should be. Several friends, an ex, and my mother have all dismissed me as well when I did nothing wrong. My other even recently tried to kill herself; that's how little she cares about me.

I guess that I don't know what to do because no matter how hard I try, nobody likes me. It gets worse because I don't care to be around most people. Its not that they're bad, I just get burned out easily when talking to most people. I see people making connections with people all the time and it makes me want to cry because I'm trying so hard and I can't do it.

I know that I'm not bad, just unlucky. I know that I can't control other people, but I don't know how to handle feeling like there is a force-field between me and the world. I'm currently trying to just rely on my own company all of the time, but it doesn't seem healthy.

Any thoughts or wisdom would be appreciated.

[Bete_Noire]

I thought I was the only one with this. I'm finishing my second term for my Associates in Hospitality Management. I love people, but I find it hard to connect. I thought it might be the small size of my college, but as people came and left I was still alone. I also just broke up with my boyfriend (now my bipolar ex) just over 2 months ago, so it's been worse.

I get told I'm very mature for my age and that I have a bubbly personality. People don't talk to me though, just my teachers. I have a couple people I talk to over the web from time to time, but we have little to nothing common. When I tell people what I am into they just ignore me afterwards. I thought I was just weird and too different for them. It eventually turned into everyone I met. Almost like a bubble, I was sealed off from everything.

I'm still having trouble coping with this loneliness too. If it helps, find ways to relieve this by doing something you love doing. For me its writing, drawing, blogging, and talking on forums like this one.

I can tell you this: You aren't alone when you're here on PC There are a lot of really nice people here who are here for you (me included.) I hope you find your niche and things get better!! <3

Just because you mom attempted suicide, it doesnt mean that she doesn't care about you. Trust me.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Thank you both for responding. Bete, I try to just keep myself happy by doing the things I love, but I still get lonely. I'll take your advice as hope that it gets better. I guess I'm scared because at this age, this is the most approachable that I will ever be.

And Wired, thank you for the sentiment, but I honestly don't believe that people who want to be there for their children would ever do something so selfish. She even blamed me for it because if I wasn't so "difficult" and if i took care of here, then she wouldn't have done it. My sister died three years ago, so she should be happy to still have me and wouldn't want to put me through another familial death. I've identified the relationship as unhealthy and have severed ties with her until she becomes mentally stable. She said that she "agreed that we should take a break" (like you can ever take a break from parenthood). All of this has shown me that she doesn't care to support me the way a mom should. It will be okay, though. I just need to find people in my life who do love me.

I think that I will in a few years. Until then, I'll just have to make sure that I don't let my loneliness get too out of hand. Thanks again for the responses <3

[Open Eyes]

Why do you feel "more mature" than others around you, what makes you "different" if you don't mind my asking?

[henrydavidtherobot]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Why do you feel "more mature" than others around you, what makes you "different" if you don't mind my asking?

My therapists are typically the ones to point this (that I am more mature) out to me. I grew up in a parentificated household and was always told by members of my extended family that I had to take care of my mother. She was verbally, and sometimes, physically abusive towards me. My mom threw me out during my senior year of high school and so I got my own apartment. This led to me having live in boyfriends. My concerns were never typical for people of my age and socio-economical class. By the time I was 20, I had racked up a history quite a personal history including the sudden death of my only biological sister, several sexual assaults, surviving an abusive relationship, conquering bulimia and self-injury, and surviving a handful of sexual assaults. Last year, I moved to the other side of the state to get a fresh start.

To cut to the chase, I feel that my past traumas have led me to possess a different world-view than my peers. I don't judge them for it, but I feel like they all don't really "get it" yet. I'm don't enjoy doing typical college things very often. I don't like small talk and no one seems to be interested in the things that I talk about. I think that my intelligence and demeanor is often daunting. I've have so many men tell me that I am really intimidating, which hurts. I identify with people older than me fairly easily, but I live in a town were my tender age of "22" is considered up there.

Does that answer your question?

[possum220]

You have had to grow up very fast and have experienced too much of life too early. This in itself will set you apart and by the sounds of it you will be detached from others because of it. Your mothers attempt as suicide is all about her, her pain, nothing to do with you, but you did get caught up in the **** that goes with it.

Connection to others may seem impossible. Talk to your T about that. I don't bond with others either. It's like outta sight, outta mind. The world is overwhelming.

I hope you find some form of peace and comfort.

Hi. We have similar backgrounds. My mother was also a bully and I was encouraged by all family members to take care of her, especially after my father and one of my brothers died.

I think others sense your discomfort around them. We all carry our past with us to some extent. It's written into our body language, facial expressions and maybe even into our clothes. I have had the same problems as with regarding fitting in. I guess I am just too serious.

So, here's a suggested start: 1. improve your body language by sitting up straight and smiling; 2. dress like an extrovert - think upbeat - looking cool will attract people to you; 3. don't put pressure on yourself to say anything. When I went to college, young people often did not like others who got good grades and, I bet you do have good grades. In our strange culture, this is a turn off for many. I have come to the conclusion that it's better to hang with the "so-called" nerds who get good grades. Seriously. They know what college is truly all about. Another option is to hang with others who have the same major as you because they probably speak your language. All the best to you!

[LovelaceF]

I can understand how you feel. I've been lonely lately too, though your feelings sound much more severe than mine. When you say that you feel there is a force field between you and others, perhaps that is a sign to step outside of yourself for a while.

I think that taking an interest in others is key. Do you engage people about things that THEY are interested in, even if that topic doesn't interest you? Having a boring conversation isn't fun, sure, but very often a boring topic can turn into something interesting and also makes the other person feel valued as a whole person, and not just bits and pieces. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is completely like you, or will completely agree with you, so you need to be willing to accept parts of the person that are annoying, or boring, or ridiculous if you want to be their friend.

When you say that you get dismissed, could you elaborate on how that plays out?

[Open Eyes]

To cut to the chase, I feel that my past traumas have led me to possess a different world-view than my peers. I don't judge them for it, but I feel like they all don't really "get it" yet. I'm don't enjoy doing typical college things very often. I don't like small talk and no one seems to be interested in the things that I talk about. I think that my intelligence and demeanor is often daunting. I've have so many men tell me that I am really intimidating, which hurts. I identify with people older than me fairly easily, but I live in a town were my tender age of "22" is considered up there. quote henrydavidtherobot

Ok, yes I see you, you have the intellect that is also from the kind of "victim mentality" you developed. You had to learn how to "control" your environment because you were never afforded the normal "safety" that allowed you to feel you had the "safety net" that you could run to "just incase". You tend to "look over your shoulder" but it is so engrained in you that you are unaware of it. The only way you know how to connect really is through "control" you had to learn that to survive. You can't "need" anyone really, because that is not in your "picture" although, you are looking for the kind of people that have "intellect" that is more like that "parent" figure you never had.

I have a feeling that "others" dismiss you because you can come on like the "all knowing" and most likely you tend to take the center instead of standing in the center and allowing others to "express themselves" to you. You probably tend to tell others what to "think" because you had to do it for others, yet they only "took" from you and didn't really "see you". You see your mother as "not loving you" because even though you took care of her in whatever way you could, she didn't appreciate it and she didn't even know how to appreciate herself, no self love, so yes she wanted the complete "escape". That had nothing to do with your worth, or that she should have loved you enough to think about how that would "hurt you". Well, she didn't have that in her, not even for herself, she probably was some kind of victim too, mentally challenged so that she was way too self absorbed for any kind of enlightenment.

You want to feel loved, but it has escaped you, and you most likely have an air about you that offends others that you don't even recognize. If others seem weak to you or "not mature" well, they probably send the message to you that they are simply not intelligent or knowedgeable enough to be "dependable enough to trust so you can feel intellectually that "you can trust their love for you". Often this kind of mentality is seen in Borderline personality disorder, lots of drive and intellect, but not trust that can last, always waiting for the hurt to come. There is a very "hurt child in you" that you protect, and have never truely figured out how to help that child really feel loved.
You are not innocent like so many others and probably that is not something they gravitate to or understand.

I am "very sorry" that you didn't have what you truely deserved growing up. You deserved to have a "mother" that loved you, you deserved to have that presence that was your "emotional safety net" too. I am sure you tend to look for that person that can send you the kind of intellectual signals that can make up for that "void". Yes, you are "not" just a young 20yr old, and none of them will truely have what "you" are looking for either. You most likely can see the "faults' and warning signs in others that they don't see, or may even hide. You have a radar now where you can almost predict the faults and weaknesses in others that they have not experienced enough yet to understand themselves. Wouldn't it be nice to meet that person who could fill that void and wisk you away in their arms where that "hurt child in you" can finally sigh a breath of relief.

Am I getting close to seeing you? Remember, I don't know you, can't see your body language either, just thinking about what would be there with "your history" and from what you are sharing.

Open Eyes

[henrydavidtherobot]

unhappy guy, first and foremost, I can't imagine the pain of losing two immediate family members at such a young age. Kudos to you for staying strong. The college culture has changed a bit. Intelligence is a bit more valued than before. People seem to respect my academic achievements and appreciate my looks and style (I amateur model and was featured on my school's fashion blog), but I guess that my struggle lies in bonding with people on a less superficial level. I think you bring up a good point though; I should work on being more approachable. You definitely hit close to home with saying "you're too serious". I get that all the time.

Lovelacef, you also bring up a good point. My therapist has asked me to quit writing off people so easily. Often, when I find someone willing to talk to me, I get bored and go home. Then I end up crying because there is nobody around to talk to ever. I don't try to be rude. I ask questions and am engaged, but I feel like a phony, so I just leave to go play on the internet in my room.

I get dismissed by people changing the subject when I speak. Often, comments are made to belittle me and my comments. In my feminist group, I will bring sociological and philosophical ideas into the conversation (when people just want to spend the whole time complaining and sexism exists in their personal lives) and the group leader will be like, "okay, let's stay on topic". This also happens if I say something even remotely controversial. This happens in my personal life. People say, "Let's not talk so deep right now" or if I mention something distressing me, people will be like, "Let's talk about something happy." It's pretty painful to be shut down constantly, especially when I'm making an honest effort to reach out. Also, mutual "friends" will invite my roommates out and not invite me.

Openeyes, you are a wise and very intuitive person. Most of what you said rang true, except that I don't think that I am looking for a person to fill a void per se. I thrive off of helping people; I would never want a one-sided relationship. The Borderline sentiment scared me a little D: My therapist also suggested that I have an offending air about me, but I still don't get. What kind of emotion or feeling are they getting from me?

You all are awesome.

[Open Eyes]

In my post above, some of the things I say may hit true to you, some may not. But you definitely have been tossed around and had to learn some things the "hard way". Most likely the ongoing abuse you suffered was due to you picking the wrong people that you allowed into your life. You were most likely drawn to people who you thought seemed strong somehow, someone that could fill that void. But you were young and you didn't have enough "foundation" to be able to be more selective and see some "warning signs". You probably got involved with some "low life" for lack of a better word, and you were just "too young" to understand how these people could "hurt you". Well, that only made things worse, and the kind of "intellect" you have includes these experiences as well.

Most likely, you have so many "scars" or even "wounds" from the verbal abuse of your mother and other people that abused you somehow, instead of "loving, understanding, accepting, and encouragement". So any kind of message anyone sends out that you consider "critical" means "you are unacceptable and unworthy" so you end up feeling "unheard" or as you say "unable to "bond" with others".

When a therapist says, "you are very mature for your age" and even notices your "intellect", that can be confusing. And it really isn't getting to the part of you that is hurt and isn't mature. When a therapist says that, often what they are seeing is "the hard shell you have grown around you".

We "all" grow shells around us, and each of us are somewhat unique in how we develope that hard shell. However, inside all of us, is something soft and vulnerable. That is often called "our core" and when we get therapy, we begin to slowly develope enough "trust" with a therapist so we can slowly express that "soft core that we have grown to protect".

Unhappyguy is right about body language, often we can unknowingly exude body language that expresses our weaknesses or our sense of unworthiness, or even our anger about whatever we may not have that we might think we need or that others tend to "pick out" in us that is a common target. Society tends to set trends to what we should look like or have that deems us "valuable" and "worthy" somehow. And unfortunately society also sends messages of what to see as "unworthy" too.

Unfortunatley we have been victimized by this phenomenon pretty much throughout the history of man, that was made even worse when we developed the "mirror" so we could "see ourselves, compared to others". We tend to think that if we look like something desirable or have something that is deemed "acceptable" that we will have a better chance to "fit in" to society. And the one thing we have always had though, is knowing that "intellegence" can put us into a better position overall and make up for any lacks we may have otherwise. And we can observe this in chimpanzees where if a primate happens to create some kind of tool, he gains respect and a higher position in the group. As human beings, we all try to find that way of "gaining" and if we do find something, we can gain a sense of appreciatation and financial gain. Unfortunately, this "drive" not only works towards our gains as a species, but it also brings out the worst in humans which can cause alot of damage and human waste.

Fundamentally, however, what we all need is that "parent" and the right kind of nurturing that gives each of us a sense of "comfort and nurturing" so we can "slowly" explore ourselves and our world knowing that that "safety net" is present if we explore and get into something that we don't understand or "hurts" us. Originally we were not much different than other primates where the "young" or "offspring" was kept fairly close and safe and nurtured and watched over by the group. And each member of that group found a way to fit in. The males were to reach the age where they could develope their own group so they were often driven to set out on their own, however they did have the nurturing and time to understand how the group was able to thrive as a group. There was "always' that alpha male though, that presence that was "in charge" and "looking over all".

Well, I don't mean to give you a history lesson, but apparently what so many miss individually and as societies is "how we were originally designed to thrive". Our brains were designed to "thrive" on a certain kind of "nurturing" and with that we develope a "chemical" balance that is supposed to last each of us for however long we live. Unfortunately we have been "messing with that" and as a result, we tend to suffer some very troubling conditions in our "human psychie" that tends to "disable" many of us, so much so now that it is bringing a substantial cost to humanity overall.

Every day or probably every second a human being is born and the abilty for that human being to function and contribute and have a sense of belonging and balance will depend upon the ability of the "parent" to be able to provide the right kind of "nurturing" so that child can thrive with an overall sense of good "chemical balance" within their brain and "core". Unfortuanately, there is no real "monitoring" of how many children are born into an environment where there is actually a knowing and capable "parent" that can see to it that this child truely gets what is needed.

Hense, what you have experienced with "your" mother that was "lacking" and proved to promote this "void" that you struggle with in your core is something "too many" suffer from. And, most likely, the same challenge that your mother suffered from.

I wasn't that she didn't love you "enough" either. It was that she honestly didn't "know how" and was struggling and suffering herself. Unfortunately we have an epidemic of "bad parenting" and "lack" now in this world. The fundamental we all needed has been lost to us ALL. And we tend to look to our government to be that "safety net" that so many of us "need to feel is there that so many never had".

We are a society "saturated" with chemicals to try to make up for the fundamentals that our society is not addressing. We have so many that populate our world that are "troubled", too many. And we never even consider "who truely has the capacity and knowledge to raise a healthy child" either. No, we dismantle the "family" unit where both parents are busy "working and have careers and stesses and self fulfillment" as a focus and not truely seeing what is missing and needed in the "child" that enters that scenario.

We were designed to "want to learn" and become fulfilled. But, now we are "pushed to learn" and graded and it is often just "assumed" that as we "educate" our young and "push knowledge at them" that they will become well adjusted functional adults. We have a society now where teens are dealing with depression, and young adults in their 20's seem to think they "have to know who they are and how to take hold and function in society".
And at the same time, we have "dismantled" the family unit and not realizing how that has now been resulting in the overall "mental illness of the society we have now".

So here you are, with a core that is troubled, and rightly so. Yes, I don't doubt that you have a maturity level and intellect that differs from your piers. I don't doubt that you have a "void" that you don't quite know how to fill or understand. And I certainly would not blame you for struggling to "connect" and think you can "trust" someone to see you, know you, appreciate you the way you needed it so long ago.

So how do you "resolve this" in a way that you can finally feel more balanced? Well, that comes from learning to finally understand that your mother didn't love you the way you needed because she "didn't know how". It was truely never because you were unworthy either. To understand how the world is around you, that you are not as alone as you think you are. You live in sea of others that also have "voids" as well, who also worry and stess about their "worthiness". To understand how to look at these others and see the signs they express that show their "void" and to finally realize that you are more a part of then you think.

Open Eyes

[henrydavidtherobot]

Yon bring up lots to think about. I agree that my mother's behavior isn't based off me being "unworthy" and I get the "not knowing how". However, I feel that she also had plenty of opportunities to learn (therapy, talks, my dad's intervention) and doesn't care to. Therefore, I feel justified for cutting her out of my life for now. I need to protect myself from her and figure my own stuff out.

You're right about the observing other people to see that I'm not alone. When the guy I wasn't talking to quit talking to me, he told me that he was upset about a break up from a four year relationship, her contacting him, and his anxiety issues. Though I still feel inadequate for not being able to get people to like me and hopeless about anyone liking me if the only boy I've liked in a while backed out due to instability and fear, I find solstice in knowing that it wasn't me (unless he lied) and he isn't a malicious person. My biggest competitor in college is always one upping me and telling me to talk about happy things. I have nothing but warmth for her because I see her putting up this front and I feel sad that she feels like she has to do that.

You're right, if I look for signs in people that they are uncomfortable too, I might not feel so outcasted. I guess that I'll learn to cope with the loneliness until things change. Life isn't all about happiness. I'll be okay.

[Open Eyes]

Life "can" have happiness though, but you have to learn how to achieve that. I have a feeling you are looking outside, and need to also look inwards too. Inwards looking should not be "negetive" though.

Your mother? Well, sometimes even with therapy, and talks don't help that much. A lot depends on how her "core" is hurt or damaged somehow. If she never loved "herself" then she won't know how to, or feel worthy enough to "love others". Without knowing her myself, I can't really pin point her "fault line" so to speak.

You are a new member here, but if you spent enough time "observing" you will begin to see others that speak of some of the challenge you have yourself. If you read the "relationship" forum, you will see "similar" challenges that people have with "relationships", in that you will begin to recognize that your challenges are also shared by others more than you realized.

Your age group is very challenged. There are many that are depressed and lost and honestly don't know what to do to help themselves. I noticed this with my daughter's age group too. My daughter is turning 29. The parents of this generation were often very "self absorbed" and more than ever had some building need to focus on things/posessions and "work". More than ever, the divorce rate was high and parents were more about themselves and many children were somewhat deserted.

In the 90's there was an increase in families that wanted the bigger homes, the better cars and an increasing sense of entitlement and bigger egos. This seemed to be an easier time for climbing the corporate ladder and people did make good money too. I spent alot of time working around these families and often the children had lots of things but there was also alot of competition. I am not sure where you are from, the States or not, but what "I" noticed is that there were an awful lot of divorces and cheating. I remember finding out that one town where the more successful "yupies" wanted to live, and they did have some really nice homes, the divorce rate was very high and the time line was, once moving into that town, 3 years, then divorce.

In the neighborhood I lived in during the beginning of the 90's, there were several divorces and marriage problems. And in my very small developement a young boy that was only 14 hung himself. I had remembered inviting his mother over one time, I threw a chrystal party for a friend, and I remember her saying that she couldn't wait for her kids to grow up and get out so she could have more time to herself and do what "she" wanted. She made it clear that it was an inconvience to have children and wished she didn't. The woman behind me had twin girls and that mother either commited suicide or he killed her, they never knew. He ended up in some kind of mental facility, and the children went to the grandparents to be raised. The couple next to me also got divorced. It was a time when everything was "throw away", including marriages.

I saw alot of sad things and children that ended up in "broken" homes. My daughter had very few friends whose parents were still together when she graduated high school. It was as if "children" were just something to have, something that comes "next" and no real knowledge of what the comitment of having a child meant.

I understand that you have been somewhat on your own, but honestly, you are not the only one with that kind of challenge and some deep "core" hurts. And your generation is more confused than ever about relationships because many never saw a real working relationship in their parents. And relationship breakups are very troubling for your piers because they tend to feel it very deep because there often was no "safety net" for them in their own parents. So love in a relationship is felt alot deeper and as this boy has expressed, brings on instability and fear when something goes wrong. I often find young men struggling more than young women because alot of "fathers" were just not there for them and often mom was so hurt and lost or finding herself, that she wasn't there either.

Getting others to "like" you isn't as easy these days for your age group, there is a whole lot of concern about "trust" and lots of defense mechanisms going on.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Open Eyes, you give a lot of perspective that I really appreciate. You're very intuitive and lovely.

Anyway, I think that I made some progress tonight. I went to the poetry reading that goes on every other week. No one was talking to me. Despite the fact that I found most people nice-but "unfriendable", I decided that their interaction was worthwhile and that I should talk to them. Of course, I made no new best friends, but even went I felt isolated and uncomfortable, I didn't feel like I was "separated" from the world, but rather, just quiet in it. Though I am sad that boy didn't walk me home, another friend did.

I think that it will be good for me to understand that I am an outsider, but not too far outside. Boy didn't work out, but that's okay. Maybe this is silly, but it means a lot to me.