[hummer]

<font color="#008800"> </font> I am new to this forum......but not new to my Self.....I have a brain injury often I feel confused.....have trouble sorting my thoughts...so I am going to come to this place to write out words.....hoping in the action....of trying to think , well enough to write......I will figure out what is stopping me......

Every year I am invited to be in an Art Exhibit....my work is with leather....my father was a saddle maker and I inherited his tools....it is physically taxing....I also have shattered 4 of my vertebrae, and one hand......various other things....15 years ago......

this year.....I am stuck....I walk into my workroom and look at my tools.....pick them up and set them back down....walk out of the room, and shut the door....I can't figure out why.....I noticed a quote on the back of a man's shirt....."Don't lose by default.".......I thought Spirit was talking to me.....

We need money my husband quite his job.....this is an opportunity for me to contribute on a scale that is not the norm for me....

I have so many ideas........but the trip from my brain to my hands is not working....I feel afraid....but not sure of what....I care, but at the same time....I don't.....nothing is making any sense to me.....I feel apathy towards my Self.....yet I feel my Self standing apart looking on in horror.....at what I am letting slip through my fingers....

People are coming from the Smithsonian this year.....I have less than two weeks to do something......It will be a downgrade from my usual work because I have waited to long for anything intricate.....

I am having trouble with my hands going numb....they tingle like they have gone to sleep....and each finger feels like logs....just weight without function.....a few months back a doctor working on my injured hand did something.....there was a popping sound and after that....I can't hold anything in my hand....grasping wise....the pain doesn't allow me to maintain my hold.....it is some sharp twanging feeling that reverberates up my arm.......

I have overcome so much ,but I don't seem to be overcoming this.....my doctor doesn't know what to do.....and now, I feel, doesn't want to mess with my hand at all.....so......I am turning away from everything and sitting in my chair in the dark.....willing the days to be gone....

Every year I help with the installation of this exhibit....The curator lets me have free rein in doing all of the pedistal displays.....This is my most enjoyable experience for the whole of the year.....The Staff comes from all over.....it is like a family to me....

I have memory loss from my brain injury....even though I know my family the attatchment formed from history is not there......nor are the feelings of love and affection....but these people on Staff are that way for me....I have been helping for eight, or nine years....Yet I am afraid.....to even help.....WHY......

The Curator has emailed me, and written letters, and I have not responded.....why am I doing this....why am I not doing this.........I can't figure it out....

I don't like the feeling of letting my Self down........I just want to quit breathing.....not that I would commit suicide....I died 3 times in my accident, and I came back with the 'knowing' that suicide is not something I will ever do......I just don't understand my Self.......

I desire to come to grips with whatever is going on but I can't even figure it out to look at it and move on.....

I just feel so bad.......if you waded through all of these words.....I thank you for listening to me..........

Blessings to us all.......
Hummer

Hi hummer, welcome to PC. I am sorry you feel so bad...

Feeling that you don’t want to let yourself down is a good start. It is also understandable to be apprehensive about helping etc. because of all you went through.

I think you should start by taking baby steps e.g. picking up a tool and trying to do something, anything, even if not elaborate. I don’t know the exact situation with your hand, but if you can do something not too complex? Or maybe just your presence at the Exhibition would be a first step & and opportunity to break the isolation by just getting out there. Just take it one day at a time, by trying to win little 'battles', at your pace... (((hummer)))

[Perna]

Hummer, can you do anything else with your ideas, "draw" them or bring them into other parts of your life in some way?

I would do a few things, even though you feel like you don't care. I'd still reply to the Curator's e-mail, let your friends know you're having problems and might not be able to participate as much as in the past. Maybe someone can come work alongside you, help you in some way? Maybe just come visit and chat? Getting out of my head, my endless thoughts (or lack of thought :-) and actually talking to a "real" person helps me.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( hummer ))))))))))00

Don't think that reading your words is a drag to anyone. You deserve to be heard and to have a place to vent! I hope that things will get better for you. What you are going through must be so tough, I can't even imagine it. You are very strong and brave for sticking it out this far and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise!

Off course life will seem hard to you... you have so much to cope with! Don't beat yourself up about it, just remember small steps is the name of the game. All of us here have to learn that you can't change any kind of trauma in a day, it takes time...

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC hummer. I am sorry you have had and continue to have so much to contend with. You are very brave for all you have overcome. Maybe you can just communicate that you may not be able to participate as much as you have in the past and just do what you can. It sounds like you like the contact. I don't know what to say about the physical aspects except I am sorry that it happened. I hope that it will get better over time. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

[Sarah116]

I really did enjoy reading that so I could get to know you better and why you came here! Leather that sounds nice but rather pain staking. I also have a hard time sorting my thoughts and thinking. Not the same as yours thought, but OUCH I feel so sorry for you. Glad you came! Sarah

[alisandria]

Hi Hummer,

Welcome to the site.

I am thinking on the same wavelengths as a few others. Why not start fiddling with something, and let your creativeness flow.

We need money my husband quite his job.....this is an opportunity for me to contribute on a scale that is not the norm for me.... perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed by this.

I think, maybe you are overthinking so much. Your husband quit his job-that's stressing. Your hand is feeling different-that is stressing, because sounds like your hands are definitely your livelihood & expression. Maybe you are having the equivalent of writer's block right now. But I think you are more than capable once you start something, I think all this indecision with fade to the background and your artisitic level will take over. Give it a shot, see what happens...think of the way you feel when you are creating, tap into that. Let us all know how you are doing, and if you need to talk you can post or come to chat. There is always someone around.

Best of luck, hugs, Lisa

[hummer]

Thank you for talking to me......I have come to this page over and over.....trying to write words with my fingers....but just kept erasing them......but I want you to know.....you all helped me.....

I worked a little, and came and read your words.....worked a little, and came and read your words....

I have done two pieces for donation to the auction they have every year.....I have two pieces prepped to work on today....

I saw a very famous artist yesterday.....very.....she hugged me and asked me what I was doing...told her I was trying to get something together for the Exhibit.....she said that she had been trying to get into that show for years and kept getting rejected.....that I had to have been invited.....what was I submitting......she had envy in her voice.....not in a mean way.....

That is the part....in the past the Curator said I have had works, that she designed the whole show around.....I had to look at the woman and tell her.....nothing so far....her jaw dropped.....she knows what an opportunity I am blowing off......

People have expectations of me.....I don't want to look at the disappointment.....but that is the way it will be.....I should get prepared for that.....but there is no preparation that I know to practice......it is not a good feeling.....

I am whining.....I don't like that either......my hand is hurting from typing.....I just keep turning away.....when I get too stressed my brain injury starts manifesting it's self.....my right eye has begun twitching.....horribly....

All I can say is.......OH WELL.........

Thank you, again, for talking to me......it means more than I can express.....I pulled energy off of all of you......I reached out, and grabbed hold of you.......Strangers carrying me....

Blessings to you.....and those you Love........
Hummer

Hi Hummer, I am glad you created 2 pieces. This is a great achievement.

Please, don’t be too hard on yourself. It is not easy when people, or even oneself, have (high) expectations and as you say, it hurts. But each one of us is dealt with a set of cards in life and we can only try and do the best we can with these cards. Don’t see it as “blowing off an opportunity” as they might think. There are already ‘successes’ – i.e. going to the Exhibition, working on your ideas and creating something, overcoming the fear etc. This is no small feat. Although it is frustrating take it slowly… at your pace… baby steps.

I also hope maybe doctors can come up with something to help with your hand. Please, don’t lose hope. You can do it.

And you are very welcome to pull energy here anytime you need to. I wish you all the very best. You are very brave… ((((((Hummer))))))

[hummer]

Thank you for sending me more words.....Always....

I have, this day read everyones words, again......It is a curious thing how our minds work.......

You say words to me....that my mind does not say to my Self.....my view is different, looking out of my Self.......I don't think of my Self, as brave, or overcoming difficulties.....I seem to be, always, just trying to get through the moment....

i don't even know if I have a vision of who I am, as a projection in the world.....people say things to me, but it never seems to register in a way that is real, or kept.....

I think it is a brain injury thing......there are some connections that misfire.....or don't even catch the drift.....but your words have made me think......one of the reasons I have not had anything done, is that my hand would not let me......I forget that part....but it is real........I will try to make the best of it, as you all say......

The thing that makes my work unique is that I know how to do many different mediums and combine them into one peice.......where most of the artist pieces are just one medium at a time.....but I have no memory of ever being taught how to do what I do.....but....I can do it.....if I don't think too hard.....HA.....

That is a troubling thing....I have no one to ask.....I have tools that are coveted, as they are not made anymore.....but I have to buy books to even tell me what they are.....I have drawers full of patterns.....I have been looking at them today.....easily a thousand patterns, and pages of notes...reminders to my Self, on the process......but I have no memory of ever making any of them......

It is a weird setting to place my Self in.....your words help me to realize......that it has reason, to be a little difficult....?.....

I think, this exhibit means so much to me, because when someone asks me what I do.....I know I do that.....it gives me identity in the world.......

This year I must make my Self talk to the other Artists.....they all know who I am, but I forget them, from year to year....I know what work, goes with what each person looks like....but the names, and stories, of who each person is, that is lost to me.....

There must be a few who would be open to letting me contact them with questions.....I would hope....there was an old saddlemaker I would call, but he has passed away....all the people I knew, to ask, are gone.....

My sister passed away last year.....we didn't have the greatest relationship, but she could answer some of my questions.........

Today, I let my leather get too dry.....and then I got it too wet.....It has to be just right to work, and then you have to do it at one sitting.....the carving process, anyway....so I have been waiting.......for the leather to be ready for me....

I came here to give my mind a place to go....instead of driving me crazy.....your words have made me stop, and ponder my Self a little.....which has helped me.....so has the forming of my thoughts.....seeing the words.....

Thank you for reading my words......taking the time.....it makes me feel real.........Those of you....who have given me words.....you have given me courage, too........I am thankful..........

Blessings to us all........
Hummer