Need some advice / help.

I am not even sure if I am posting this in the right area. I just know I am desperate. I just signed up. I know there is something wrong with me. I can't control my anger anymore, I am hurting everyone around me, including myself. I stay depressed and lots more.

I want help but, fear seeking any in the town I live in. The one time I tried to get help. The psychotherapist just sat there asked me what was bothering me and the whole time I was talking he was writing prescriptions. I finally shut up and he said take these like I prescribed and see you in 30 days. I took the pills felt like crap most of the time so stopped and never went back. I don't know. I am afraid of everyone finding out. I am afraid of losing my kids. I feel like I need to just be put away somewhere.

Charla, there is a big difference between a pshychologist and a psychiatrist. Psychologist can't and don't prescribe medicine. They're not allowed to. Maybe you saw a psychiatrist? They don't offer therapy, only meds.

If you were diagnosed with cancer, would you be ashamed to see an oncologist? Mental illness isn't any different that a physical illness.

BTW, anger is a big part of depression. My advice to you would be to find a good psychologist. Good luck!

You are probably right. I didn't remember the specifics of what his title was. ( my memory is shot as well. )

In a small town its a stigma to have anything wrong with you be it physical or mental. I just keep thinking if I can hold on for a couple more years. I will be ok.

The first step is the scariest one. I guess that's what I am afraid of.

Chances are it won't get better on its own. Too much could happen in a couple of years.

I understand about the stigma, but what would be worse; to turn your anger on your innocent kids and have them taken away from you or to think that people are talking about you and looking at you funny?

You'll be one step ahead of them if you seek treatment. I encourage you to do so. PC is here to support you in your efforts.

There are plenty of online therapists; I think DocJohn has a link to some on the home page here at PC.

I do understand the small town stigma, but suggest it's not worth your life to avoid getting help.

Taking meds for 30 days usually isn't long enough. And the longer you put off seeking help, the longer it will take to get you back to a stablized life, imo.

In the Psychotherapy Forum Index at the top is a listing of 10 Common Cognitive Distortions. You can begin with them if you are up to it... depression skews our thinking and tells us lies. Learning to combat some of that on your own will give you a heads start till you seek professional help, imo.

TC

I read the list in the psychotherapy forums. I have all the issues and more. There is a number here I can call that is 24 hours to help anyone with any mental health disorders and they are suppose to also help to set you up with counseling. I have stared at the number for a couple of weeks now and come up with every excuse in the book not to call.

I think I will log for now, spend some time with my kids and for once try not to make any excuses to call that number. I will admit though, I am afraid to call it. I won't call it though until my children are asleep for the night. They already wonder why mommy cries and or gets angry so much. I don't need to stress them more than I already have.

I will be back in a little while, thank you two for the advice. It is helping.

Ok. One thing is to be sure to tell the children you aren't crying because of anything they have done or said. Children ALWAYS think they caused it and that guilt sometimes never leaves them. TC

Well, I didn't call but, I have started reading up more about depression learning everything I can. Just scared and unsure about everything. I will get there though, just gotta push myself.

Char, can you research surrounding towns for psychotherapists or do you have a family doctor or gynocologist you can talk to?

Here's some good reading and link to lots of online therapists; you could work on the questionaires they have you fill out without sending them (or do send them), maybe get things a bit more comfortable in your head and make a plan what to do that you like: http://www.metanoia.org/

I have researched surrounding towns.

I know what I need to do and if I could get over this stupid fear. I want to just quit being so angry and sad. Is / was the fear so great for anyone else?

Hey Charla,

I was afraid to go to therapy.. I was afraid of what I might learn...I was afraid to talk to her when I did get started... I called out many times in the beginning....

Now I am doing better with it... it is easier and it is helping...i can even cry in front of her now without feeling stupid... and thats a big one for me...

She says depression is anger turned inward...I believe her.

Anyway.. you can do this.. do it for your kids... they need you to be emotionally healthy so they can have all of their mommy with them...

Thinking of you... Faith

Thank you Faith. I am really trying, trying harder than I ever have before. For me to even post on here is a huge step. My husband is even amazed that I have taken this step. I just keep telling myself, I can do this and it will happen. I know it will.

I sometimes hate that I have good days and or even good moments because, those times trick me into thinking that I can handle this and don't need help. Does or has anyone else ever felt this?

Hi Charla,

Welcome to PC. I think most of us have tried to convince ourselves that if we just try hard enough we can solve our depression, etc, by ourselves. Sometimes it is simply not possible. I've been in therapy with a pdoc and counselor for a long time, and without their help, my life would still be a living Hell.

I hope you can find a way to get the help you need.

My best to you,

January

I think you are doing a good job of trying. Depression is not just something that is negative thinking that you can change at will. Why not begin with your medical doctor, and ask if there's an antidepressant she/he feels comfortable prescribing?

I promised myself just a few moments ago that I would call the crisis care line tonight after I put my kids to bed. They over help over the phone if for nothing else just someone to talk to. But, also offer referrals and information for getting help. Its for the county. I am just afraid that they would turn it all around on me and tell me I am a bad mother and the next thing I know they take my kids and tell me I am unfit.

I have never, ever physically harmed my children but, I have yelled and screamed at them for no fault of their own. I feel so horribly guilty for it and know it has to stop. That is why I am trying so hard now to get the help I need to be a better parent and not have kids who grow up to hate me.

it certainly is

Well I called the crisis care line and a woman I am guessing was probably in her 80's kept saying she couldn't hear me, could I speak up. I was yelling really loud so she could hear me asking for help. To the point I was afraid I was gonna wake my children. She finally responded I can't hear you, just call this number ( insert random number here ) in the morning they can help you.

I hung up completely at a loss for anything. I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. But, I did not give up. I called that number this morning and it was a non-exsistent one. ( ha, jokes on me ) So, I looked up the local number for a couseling center here and spoke with a person on the phone. I have my first initial appt. for Dec. 6th. When I explained to the lady about calling their crisis line she was appalled and very apologetic about. I was in tears and just told her it was ok. So off to a shakey start but, hopefully it will get better. Have had a rough day so far. Lost my temper more than a few times but, have all 3 home sick so not so bad becuase, they are mostly sleeping. I'm trying this time, really trying to get help. Thank you all for the advice and dealing wtih me.

Oh Honey, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have fought depression all my life so I know what you are going through. It can bring anger out in you that you feel that you just can't control.
I am so glad you were able to get an appt. I do hope it will help and also sounds like you should be on anti-depressants. I have been on them for many years and they do help. Sometimes you need to find the right one as there are many of them but once you do, you will know it. The only drawback is it takes two to three weeks sometimes before they start working properly.
I wish you all the luck and in the meantime, just keep coming on here and talking to us. We will be here for you.
Take care,
Linda