Sexual Abuse

Hi Tom,

I wrote a post earlier to you.....my suggestion was for you to look into starting a support group for men in similar situations.

Why not look into something like that? You have so much passion within you....try to outlet it in a way that can help you as well as so many other men? Like I said before.....it takes one voice. Let your voice be the one to start something in your area?


Heather

I thought I was responding to SkyB Dark, but it was Septembermorn message that I was responding to.
~My wife really enjoys calling me a dumb-dishwater~
But, be that as it may, thanx for overlooking my tersness, all of you. I really need to preach right now !!
I took my daughter to the airport this a.m. bound for Lackland AFB in San Antonio. I am almost certain she is headed for Iraq later this summer.
Tom S. in Tn.

Tom, right now I don't have the time to give your post too much thought. I just want you to know that it's not that I'm unwilling "to receive the message." Maybe I'm being a bit slow on the uptake. I'm sorry.

I don't know what your therapist's problem is, why she can't deal with your issues. Seems to me she should be able to deal with it... unless she doesn't have enough knowledge or confidence in herself to do it... or maybe it causes her a problem to talk about it. Again, I don't know.

Bottom line, though, I can't understand why it's so hard to find a therapist or a support group for men, to begin with, and second, for your ethnic group! Why should you be any different? You're not! Hey... I'm "colorblind" but I'm not going to apologize for it, ok?

Right now, the only thing that comes to mind is that maybe you need to do something about at least starting a support group. Why don't you try putting up posters in obvious places? I can't believe that you are alone in this! You're just not! You just haven't met your "brothers" in dealing with your issues.

Call your mental health agency in your County and do some serious talking about the need for a psychologist and a support group. Get the ball rolling if someone else hasn't already. Have you thought that this may be where God wants you... and for this reason? This may just be the answer to your second "why"! Get angrier than you already are about the lack of help and use that anger constructively. Anger is a great motivator! Believe me!

One more thing, a hint in communication. In trying to communicate anything of importance to someone else, do the best to leave out "accusations." EX: "it's hard for you to keep up" - "I do not think you are understanding". The word "you" immediately puts people on the defensive and most will just stop listening or you'll get a nasty argument. Best thing to do is just state your opinion as your own and don't pass out judgements, ok?

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

This is the limitaiton of this written message system. None of the proper emphasis can be conveyed here.
I have for 7 [seven] years called and seen every therapist, counselor, or practioner who I could in an effort to find somebody who would address the issue of MALE rape. It took 2 years with a social worker/ therapist before it was even allowed to be discovered.
I was referred to the Rape and Sexual Abuse Center in Nash, and went religiously for 1 year, only to be told they had no further resources available for me. But what about the females? They had self defense classes and socail skills not to mention support groups as well as group therapy. Only since the first of the year have I been blessed enough to actually have a therapist willing to listen long enough and take the time to see for herself the problem of MALE DISCRIMINATION I describe. I don't know how long I will be able to keep going to see her, but I spent 7 years before I could find her and be allowed to see her. That's 7 [SEVEN] years until I could tell the truth and be safetly recieved and listened to without rejection or fear of being dropped. And that does not take into consideration the 30 odd I spent in total silence after my first attempt with a pseudo-therapist.
Finally; there is no such thing as a county mental health agency in Tn. Only private pay clinics, or rare stand alone providers, mainly social workers unliscensed within the mental health board of registry, who have extemely limited knowledge of medical diagnoses like PTSD. And the vast majority who are actually liscensed are unwilling to even submit compliance documentation to be within networks and bill for insurance.
And I know first hand from which I speak. I have had to deal with it. It's sad but true, and I hope I am not being to harsh for you, but this sad system of mental health providers is nothing less than pitiful, not to even mention the gender bias that first caused me to write. I suppose if I ever am involved in a support group, it will have to be one of my own. No one else is willing to be receptive.
I don't intend to put you on the defensive, but unless you are a male facing this issue, let alone one from Tn, I don't believe there is any way 'you' can understand. Everyones judgemental attitudes and unwillingness to sympathize puts me on more than a defensive stance. I have yet to have anyone to agree with me, let alone be willing to ask what I have actually seen with my own two eyes. And don't even bother to mention how they make me feel.
No one is willing to address the real issue of gender bias here, and never mind the complete break down within the theraputic profession.
Good Day;
Tom S.

Gee sorry you feel this way. I certainly didn't intend to minimize what you have gone through, and what continues to be distressful in your life. Have you tried online therapy? There are some links from this site.

Also, a book The Courage to Heal, along with a workbook, can help you work through this at your own pace. I can only imagine what you feel, and how frustrated you must be without a support system.

Maybe you can get to know more of us here, and develop an online support group for you and you try to heal.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Good work Tom. Keep on talking, it seems to be helping a lot more people than you thought.
P.

I'm really getting confused here! I'm one of those sticklers for detail and look to see who it is I am answering before I post but others don't seem to be doing the same. "Listener" just responded to "Willow" but addressed themselves to Tom. I can't follow the thread that way. Now I'm not sure if Tom is talking to me or to SkyBdark.

This is just too confusing!

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

" it seems to be helping a lot more people than you thought."

Others are being helped?? A big part of the problem is that Tom is a male rape victim who can't find help. All of the responses have been from FEmales! What's the deal? What am I missing?

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Rape and Sexual Abuse Crisis Line in Tennessee
(800) 879-1999

Survivors of Incest Anonymous/ World Service Office
PO Box 21818 Baltimore MD 21222
(410) 282-3400

Tennessee Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Nashville TN
615-386-9406

RAINN :: Counseling Centers :: - in Tennessee
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE

Demand for services on the rise
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.rainn.org/news/Current/demand.html>http://www.rainn.org/news/Current/demand.html</A>

Mental Health Association
of East Tennessee
Mailing Address: PO Box 32731 Knoxville, TN 37930-2731
Street Address: 9050 Executive Park Drive Suite 104-A Knoxville, TN 37923
Phone: (865) 584-9125 Fax: (865) 824-0040
E-Mail Address: MHAGK@Juno.com

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Sorry I have not written, but I am getting to a point where I fed up with the gender bias. I'll write. I promise.
Keep me in your prayers; Tommy

This list has been given to me over a year ago, and there was not one single resource available to me as a man from any one of these that apply to me in mid-tn. The coalition against domestic violence is a prime example of gender discrimintaion. And it's organizations like this that make me the angriest as they recieve the lions share of public funding and offer me nothing more than a 'tough luck' message, and NEVER a call back.
If I were beaten up by my wife, there is not a shelter between Tenn and Ten Buck To that I could go to. Let alone a law enforcement officer or judge to uphold me. Been there also in a previous life.
The only exception in your list might be the MHA of East Tn, but they are 200 mi away, and chances are any referral they might give, think they are too good to humble themselves to comply with managed care like every other health care professional, and bill for insurance. And there is no way I am going to pay premiums for the finest BC/BS only to have some pseudo professional with a PhD expect me to make life any easier for him than I would for my internist or orthopedist who carry 10 times the liability.
Correspondance I have previously recieved suggest that Chattanooga would be a better place for me to start searching out of region. But for that matter, all the correspondence I ever see on message boards that ever suggests successful theraputic intervention seems to originate in Minnesota. Paul Wellstone must have had a profound affect.
Thanx for your efforts, but believe me when I say there is NOTHING. Not one single program or a cent to fund it. PERIOD. It's just not there. Please don't make me look like the ill informed one.
Tom S.

Boy this is hard to keep up with, but I hope Sky see's this.
Thank you for the book advice. I have read all of Bass and Davis' books as well as given the Allies book to my wife, but she wants to give up.
And there-in lies the big problem. I am unable to get past the very first chapters because there is absolutly no system of support.
Great written material on this subject, with some fabulous testimony included. And their experential writing technique I still use.
These texts gave me the first introductory revelation to the aspect of sexual abuse from a true victim/survivor standpoint I ever recieved. And I was well over 40 being allowed to read and discover this, and abuse occurred as far back as my memory can first recall. They empowered me with the revelation that sexual abuse applies to me as a man EXACTLY as it would to you or ANYBODY who has been:
1] Seduced, and 2] sexualized, molested, or sexually abused by an opposite sex authority figure. I believe women catagorize it with rape.
Thank you for the advice and your concern. But there is a much bigger problem here with gender bias and a self serving, misgiving system of mental health support.
Tom S.

And I repeat, along with others here; Maybe you need to start your own group.

Negative statements like this is what will keep you stuck in your position:

"IF I were beaten up by my wife" - "BUT they are 200 mi away, and chances are any referral they might give," -"think they are too good" These are all uncertainties and ambiguities; "what ifs" that don't lead anywhere!

If what you need isn't readily available to you, then it's up to you to find the help you need and in the process, help other men in your situation. No one is going to hand us anything. We need to take the bull by the horns and get it for ourselves.

If this is some political filabustering, this message board isn't the place to do it. You need to go to your State's officials and yell good and loud there. Starting your own State based website and message board is another way to draw attention to your problem. Write letters, make phone calls, get organized. At any rate, I've exhausted my ideas to just get "yes, but.." and arguments and excuses.

<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

I agree with sept... taking the opportunity to work on starting your own support group may help you channel some of your frustration toward a constructive purpose that will help you and also provide help for others in your position.

There are a lot of information sources on the web for starting your own support group. Here are just a few:

http://yalenewhavenhealth.org/Library/HealthGuide/SelfHelp/topic.asp?hwid=shc98ten

http://www.idexter.com

Sorry, didn't mean to confuse you. I will pay more attention.

You are not missing anything, infact you are paying attention and that is good.
list

If I ever do attend a group I suppose I will have to be the one to start and run. What I really need is some support for myself right along now, and not a bunch of chitter chatter about how I can not help myself. Damn shame also, that I can't be a victim and recieve help like the other half of the world. But, awareness is the major reason I started this thread.
Thanx for the links though. I'll study them for future reference, should I ever decide to return to practice and start a group of my own.
One last little thing; be careful not to confuse the medical community with the theraputic counseling community, esp when making references to bias or etc. They are two entierly seperate entities.
The medical community has been more than receptive to any need or request I have made, and I even had a couple practioners realize the lack of necessary services and go far beyond the scope of their practice to help.
It's the people acting like they had a medical liscense that I have the most problems with.
Thanx again and have a nice day; Tom

The IF, BUT, CHANCES ARE, items you refer to as excuses, are in fact REALITIES.
Bottom Line folks;
I should be allowed to attend the programs and recieve from the public and private services ALREADY in place and PRESENTLY available.
~End of message~

Thank you to all who wrote and responded. It helped relieve a little stesss, but at the present I need support, and am not too prepared to give it. I spent too many years working in Mental Health and Corrections and my well is a little dry right now, when I need the help from fellow health care givers the most.
If any ideas come to mind, please send them to 'Homealone' by PM at this site. I will be forever at your debt.
Thank you one and all, and may God Bless.
Tom S. in Tn.

Read it. Good for you that you have found some good resources. Yeah, I understand the frustration where the "experts" say you can't do this alone, you need a support team... and there ain't one.

BTW here in South Florida, if there is a dispute in a home where the police are called... if there has been ANY physical abuse/contact, the one who did it goes to jail right then... male or female... somebody goes. I think that's a good step in the right direction.

Another thing that interests me is how in a work environment men can make comments to each other, at each other and expect to let it roll off their backs, yet if a woman is involved, it could be against the law!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>