[lovesdogs99]

I am only 15 and my whole life I've been very shy. I can't stand even killing a little bug. I don't have urges to hit people. In fact, if someone goes to hit me or chases me, I completely lock up.

But sometimes very scary thoughts latch onto me and don't go away no matter how hard I try to not think about it. I end up thinking about it more and more.

I haven't gone to a therapist about this yet. I called this mental health center for the first time today.... they said they'll put me "on the list." I won't be in there for WEEKS. I don't know how I'll survive. I started crying on the phone when the lady said that and she asked if I was okay and I said yeah. She sounded like she didn't really care anyway.

So a thought that creeped up on me about a month ago is the fear of becoming a murderer. This happened when I was watching a movie about a psychopath. So I started thinking "Am I THAT far gone? Am I crazy?" Then it branched into other things, "Am I a cannibal? Am I gay? Am I a pedophile? Am I a vampire? Am I a robot?"

The two biggest thoughts that have never left me alone are:

The fear of falling in love with everyone/everything I come in contact with... Anything and everything. I see a person and I get so very terrified I'm going to fall in love with them. A baby, an old man, a co-worker, a family member. Also, my pets, objects, my future children.... everything.

I can never fully push it away. It is very tormenting, but number one on my list of terrifying thoughts is:

The fear of becoming a murderer. I'm so terrified of that. I break down because of it all the time. I'm scared I'm a psychopath. I'm scared I'm crazy. I'm scared I'm insane. I'm scared that I'm going to become a criminal and end up in jail forever.

It's on my mind 24/7.

I'm reading a book, and there was a murderer/rapist in it. It was in his point of view. He was talking about how he was going to start planning the murder. Then I thought about how much I love planning out my day or planning out a meal. So now I'm terrified and convinced.

I really really want to read the book because it's such a good series but it's triggering panic.

Should I continue reading?

I really want these thoughts to leave me alone, I want to feel normal. I'm scared if I tell someone they'll think I'm a murderer. No! I'm just a little girl who's so damn lost in her own mind.

Another thing that triggered these thoughts was this:
I was watching the news with my family. There was a story about a school shooting. The boy had pre-meditated the massacre for years. He said that the reason he did it was because he was mentally ill.

That suck with me and haunts me.

If I can't get rid of these thoughts, my only option is to end my own life.

[glok]

Hello, Emma8432. You are not okay. You know you are not okay. The problem is getting help now if possible. Can you see if your general practitioner can get you a referral?

Going to the Emergency Room is an option.

Do your parents know what you are dealing with? Will they help you get the treatment you need?

Maybe NAMI might be able to help you? NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | State & Local NAMIs

Please keep on posting so we know how you doing.

I wish you well.

[lovesdogs99]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, Emma8432. You are not okay. You know you are not okay. The problem is getting help now if possible. Can you see if your general practitioner can get you a referral?

Going to the Emergency Room is an option.

Do your parents know what you are dealing with? Will they help you get the treatment you need?

Maybe NAMI might be able to help you? NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | State & Local NAMIs

Please keep on posting so we know how you doing.

I wish you well.

They don't know, and they don't understand.

I can't even imagine trying to explain my thoughts they wouldn't understand...

They think I want to go to therapy because I don't have a boyfriend and because my laptop is broken..

[Hellion]

I don't know if you are afraid of becoming a murderer, the way you describe there is a very good chance you won't and if you're afraid you're a psychopath you probably aren't one since I don't think a psychopath would care or be legitimately concerned about if they are a psychopath and could hurt people. I mean have you ever actually had thoughts of harming people or are just afraid you will because you're worried about mental health? But certainly nothing wrong with getting help if this is concerning to you.

Also mental illness doesn't=violent individual, so even if you do have a mental illness it doesn't mean you'd do anything violent or get locked up forever....So certianly go to therapy and try and get help you need and maybe some more understanding since you feel your family doesn't get it.

[UnderRugSwept]

Hi Emma,

I am sorry you are going through this.
Please keep in mind that I am not a therapist and I do not have the training to diagnosis you...but what you have described here sounds like the "intrusive thoughts" type of OCD. Please see the "intrusive thoughts" heading in the link below:

The Different Types of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | OCD-UK

Does the information sound like what you are going through?

Is there anyone at all you can talk to about this if not your parents? Maybe a school counselor or a school social worker?

Please know that you can get help with these thoughts and that having them does not mean you will act on any of them; in fact, it's pretty much the exact opposite.

^^^ What Elsewhere said.

[little turtle]

oh emma...you are not alone....please don't jump to the idea that you have a terrible condition...please talk to a therapist who understands...you certainly can learn how to deal with these thoughts....you don't have to believe everything you are thinking...I hope that we can be of some help...I had similar stuff when I was young...you can be happy again

[pachyderm]

I will not say you should immediately seek a therapist so that you can get rid of (force them underground) those ideas. Thinking about "bad" things is not doing bad things. All of us have those as possibilities, but they are not certainties, and we can avoid doing things, if not thinking about them. I think exploring obsessive ideas might be a good thing, if you can do it with a sort of "scientific" attitude -- trying to grasp why the thoughts are happening, not immediately condemning yourself for having them. IF you could find a therapist who could gently help you in that exploration it might be a constructive thing, but not all therapists are trained to approach things that way.

[avlady]

I get thoughts like that, just blow them off is hard to do but i have to.I am schitzoaffective, bipolar, have seizures and all have been under the control for me for awhile since the doc pt me on clozapine, I also have a t to talk too. I find altough i have to keep some things to myself too for fear of ending up in the hospital, and like you probably feel very scared of you own mind. It is an awful thing to have to live with and i am just saying i can relate to.

[Perna]

I am glad you made the call to talk to someone and hope you are not too uncomfortable before you get an opportunity to tell a counselor about them.

I would stay away from the horror and murder stories and shows for a bit, maybe find some good fantasy or sci fi that has enough themes like those you appear to like but which is "out there" enough so you can practice switching your mind to the knowledge that it is not real, is not "you". Too, I would maybe do less of the reading/show watching and interact with friends and family more, do "normal" activities like chores, clean your room and get ready for school to start next month? Do you know what courses you will be taking, can you look at some of what you will be learning, get a head start of any sort?

When I am having difficulties with my thinking I jump ahead in my life like that and work on something for the future. I want to move so I am working on cleaning up this house and getting things organized to make that easier when it happens.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Emma8432

I am only 15 and my whole life I've been very shy. I can't stand even killing a little bug. I don't have urges to hit people. In fact, if someone goes to hit me or chases me, I completely lock up.

But sometimes very scary thoughts latch onto me and don't go away no matter how hard I try to not think about it. I end up thinking about it more and more.

I haven't gone to a therapist about this yet. I called this mental health center for the first time today.... they said they'll put me "on the list." I won't be in there for WEEKS. I don't know how I'll survive. I started crying on the phone when the lady said that and she asked if I was okay and I said yeah. She sounded like she didn't really care anyway.

So a thought that creeped up on me about a month ago is the fear of becoming a murderer. This happened when I was watching a movie about a psychopath. So I started thinking "Am I THAT far gone? Am I crazy?" Then it branched into other things, "Am I a cannibal? Am I gay? Am I a pedophile? Am I a vampire? Am I a robot?"

The two biggest thoughts that have never left me alone are:

The fear of falling in love with everyone/everything I come in contact with... Anything and everything. I see a person and I get so very terrified I'm going to fall in love with them. A baby, an old man, a co-worker, a family member. Also, my pets, objects, my future children.... everything.

I can never fully push it away. It is very tormenting, but number one on my list of terrifying thoughts is:

The fear of becoming a murderer. I'm so terrified of that. I break down because of it all the time. I'm scared I'm a psychopath. I'm scared I'm crazy. I'm scared I'm insane. I'm scared that I'm going to become a criminal and end up in jail forever.

It's on my mind 24/7.

I'm reading a book, and there was a murderer/rapist in it. It was in his point of view. He was talking about how he was going to start planning the murder. Then I thought about how much I love planning out my day or planning out a meal. So now I'm terrified and convinced.

I really really want to read the book because it's such a good series but it's triggering panic.

Should I continue reading?

I really want these thoughts to leave me alone, I want to feel normal. I'm scared if I tell someone they'll think I'm a murderer. No! I'm just a little girl who's so damn lost in her own mind.

Another thing that triggered these thoughts was this:
I was watching the news with my family. There was a story about a school shooting. The boy had pre-meditated the massacre for years. He said that the reason he did it was because he was mentally ill.

That suck with me and haunts me.

If I can't get rid of these thoughts, my only option is to end my own life.

.where did you go emma...please come back

[lovesdogs99]

I'm here.. thanks everyone... I found another therapist. Going in next week.

I'm just scared that I'll tell her this and she'll take it the wrong way and think I WANT to hurt people..

[i dont matter]

I am not a therapist, (not even close). And I will not pretend that I have "the answer" for you.

But here is what I am hearing from you:
- you have a bunch of things that you ruminate over (and that keeps triggering you)

- you have some obsessive issues (many people do)

- you are NOT NOT NOT a bad person. in fact you sound like a very nice person (only a good person would care about becoming bad).

- I am guessing you have some anxiety issues too.

How to deal with it? You will need therapy (and yes the month wait to see someone is pretty normal and yes it sucks).

Best wishes to you.

[glok]

Hello again, Emma8432.

Psychotherapy - Psych Central
How to Engage in Meaningful, Successful Psychotherapy - Wellsphere
5 Things Not to Worry About in Therapy | World of Psychology
6 Ways to Open Up and Talk in Therapy | World of Psychology

I wish you well.

[Verity81]

Hi Emma, I'm glad you have a Therapist. What I would say to you is I am learning to deal with intrusive thoughts and worry thoughts by basically employing mindfulness techniques and labelling a thought as just a thought.
As a previous poster put, they are not actions and just because you think about something doesn't mean you are going to do it.
A thought is an electrical message from one brain cell/structure to another, not necessarily FACT.
I am practising just observing thoughts, take a step back, just notice and neither cling to or push away the thoughts. Let them flow in and out. Think of your mind as if it was a non stick pan. What you cling to gets stronger as you add other judgements to it such as 'I shouldn't be thinking this thought' why not? It's just a thought. What you try to push away keeps returning faster and stronger as you don't have the mental energy or ability to 'ban' thoughts at the door. If I said to you right now, don't you dare think of an orange banana, what comes to mind? Most likely an orange banana so don't 'ban' thoughts just notice them, and get on with whatever you are doing. It takes practise but eventually you start to gather the evidence that you haven't turned into a murderer etc and the thoughts are having less of an emotional impact on you.

Hi all and Emma. When you mentioned these thoughts you were having it struck a chord with me. Everyone, I think I have a problem too. I don't think it is as severe as yours Emma, but maybe...I don't know. It has to do with girls. I have a very poor track record with girls, I've never had a girlfriend, I am afraid to approach them, I don't put my hands on them ever, even to hug or whatever, because it feels like I'm violating them. I've been afraid of girls my whole life, I don't know why, but not scared of them in that way, but scared of me on their behalf (sorry, I don't think I'm making much sense). As I got older, I felt more and more like a disgusting guy somehow, no, let me rephrase, a disgusting pig. I believe that me touching or talking to girls will literally make their skin crawl and make them feel sick, just being near me. When girls are friendly to me, I feel like I'm an overbearing, obscene, no good son of a *****. I feel evil even at times. I feel like a disgusting monster. I've never shared this on any of the forums before because as I write this I feel like crying, I feel like such a bad man. I did the same thing you did Emma, I also watched programmes on TV that made the feelings worse. I watch Crime and Investigation channel or one of those. I don't sleep much anymore and late at night there are programmes on about the most evil and bad men in the world and what they did. There are programmes about men that abduct women, psycho men that hurt and rape women. It never really bothered me before, but they did more and more programmes about profiles of these men, their lives. I was shocked to find that these men have had similar childhoods to mine and have almost identical personalities to mine. They are loners just like me, not successful with people, people find them odd, and so many similar things I just switched off the TV because I was overcome with feelings when I saw it. I keep thinking "The man they describe sounds just like ME !!". It consumes my thoughts. The result was it elevated my feeling of being a disgusting monster to new levels. I am so scared, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to become a rapist or something. I hate myself even before I've done anything, I feel like I've done something bad already, even though I haven't, I would never. I keep thinking what if it is only a matter of time before I snap? What am I capable of if I accidentally go into another "mode"? I feel so afraid of myself. I feel like a disgusting pig monster bastard of a man, I feel like I deserve to be hanged.

My mind has totally blown this out of proportion into a whole massive thing where I truly believe I'm a sick disgusting bastard of a man who make women's skin crawl just by the mere presence of me. I hate myself. I feel like I'm one of those men who committed heinous crimes against women. I feel like one of those men who touch women against their will or one of those men who continue to touch a woman even after she made it clear she is sickened by him. Please guys understand, that I am not one of these men at all! I respect women and treat them very gently. But inside I feel like this monster. It is impossible for me get a girlfriend because of this too. I can't can't can't flirt even a little with a girl. I immediately feel like an overbearing, sick, dirty, perverted, lecherous 60 year old psycho who's trying to take advantage of an innocent young girl. I want love in my life so badly, I really do, but I can't get past this. I feel so dirty and disgusting . I don't know why this is happening to me. It's ruining my life . Guys, I'm so sorry for bringing this up, I'm sorry, I can't write anymore, my eyes are welling up with tears too much...

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Hi all and Emma. When you mentioned these thoughts you were having it struck a chord with me. Everyone, I think I have a problem too. I don't think it is as severe as yours Emma, but maybe...I don't know. It has to do with girls. I have a very poor track record with girls, I've never had a girlfriend, I am afraid to approach them, I don't put my hands on them ever, even to hug or whatever, because it feels like I'm violating them. I've been afraid of girls my whole life, I don't know why, but not scared of them in that way, but scared of me on their behalf (sorry, I don't think I'm making much sense). As I got older, I felt more and more like a disgusting guy somehow, no, let me rephrase, a disgusting pig. I believe that me touching or talking to girls will literally make their skin crawl and make them feel sick, just being near me. When girls are friendly to me, I feel like I'm an overbearing, obscene, no good son of a *****. I feel evil even at times. I feel like a disgusting monster. I've never shared this on any of the forums before because as I write this I feel like crying, I feel like such a bad man. I did the same thing you did Emma, I also watched programmes on TV that made the feelings worse. I watch Crime and Investigation channel or one of those. I don't sleep much anymore and late at night there are programmes on about the most evil and bad men in the world and what they did. There are programmes about men that abduct women, psycho men that hurt and rape women. It never really bothered me before, but they did more and more programmes about profiles of these men, their lives. I was shocked to find that these men have had similar childhoods to mine and have almost identical personalities to mine. They are loners just like me, not successful with people, people find them odd, and so many similar things I just switched off the TV because I was overcome with feelings when I saw it. I keep thinking "The man they describe sounds just like ME !!". It consumes my thoughts. The result was it elevated my feeling of being a disgusting monster to new levels. I am so scared, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going to become a rapist or something. I hate myself even before I've done anything, I feel like I've done something bad already, even though I haven't, I would never. I keep thinking what if it is only a matter of time before I snap? What am I capable of if I accidentally go into another "mode"? I feel so afraid of myself. I feel like a disgusting pig monster bastard of a man, I feel like I deserve to be hanged.

My mind has totally blown this out of proportion into a whole massive thing where I truly believe I'm a sick disgusting bastard of a man who make women's skin crawl just by the mere presence of me. I hate myself. I feel like I'm one of those men who committed heinous crimes against women. I feel like one of those men who touch women against their will or one of those men who continue to touch a woman even after she made it clear she is sickened by him. Please guys understand, that I am not one of these men at all! I respect women and treat them very gently. But inside I feel like this monster. It is impossible for me get a girlfriend because of this too. I can't can't can't flirt even a little with a girl. I immediately feel like an overbearing, sick, dirty, perverted, lecherous 60 year old psycho who's trying to take advantage of an innocent young girl. I want love in my life so badly, I really do, but I can't get past this. I feel so dirty and disgusting . I don't know why this is happening to me. It's ruining my life . Guys, I'm so sorry for bringing this up, I'm sorry, I can't write anymore, my eyes are welling up with tears too much...

What stood out for me in your post is how severely you are judging yourself, and what evidence do you have for these judgements? Your thoughts and the feelings they bring up. Thoughts are not facts, so don't treat them as such.
I don't know if you are getting therapy but I think it would help, I know it's helping me. You are being consumed by these thoughts and clinging onto them for dear life and fuelling them with judgements and cognitive bias (such as comparing traits you see in yourself to those of criminals you see on telly and most likely disregarding traits you don't share).
Where did you learn to judge yourself so harshly? The evidence you need to gather that you are NOT a potential sex offender is to start interacting with women. The more you do and find that you haven't attacked anyone the less these thoughts can disguise themselves as facts. A therapist will be able to help you with planing such exposure tasks.
Learn also to accept the thoughts, this doesn't mean you are happy with them or approve of their content but just accept they are there, without adding a judgement. For example, you see a girl on the street and an intrusive thought comes into your head such as 'I might want to rape her' in scenario one you notice the thought, feel anxious or shame and say to yourself 'I've had that thought again' don't fight it by trying to push it away (that never works) and don't cling to it by ruminating on why you thought it, is it true etc. Then let the thoughts pass in and out your head, noticing briefly and carrying on with that moments task. In scenario two after that thought and the difficult feelings it brings up you call yourself a disgusting evil pig, then tell yourself 'I shouldn't be thinking that', then ruminating about the whys etc, in which scenario do you think you would feel worse? I'm guessing two, once you feel worse the more likely you are to berate yourself and encourage more thoughts and so the cycle continues....
Remember thoughts disguise themselves as facts, emotions do the same.... don't let them fool you.

Hi Verity, thanks for posting. No, luckily, very luckily, I don't think that when I see a girl in the street, thank goodness! No, I think only positive things when I see girls, how pretty they are and how much I would like to have love and a relationship in my life (not necessarily with the girl I'm seeing). I can't stand seeing things like rape on the telly or on the news, it hurts me very much. No, it's not that I'm having a problem with, I'm not having evil thoughts about girls. I have no thoughts of hurting girls or any bad thoughts whatsoever that I'm trying to repress or squash or something like that. I genuinely love girls too much to ever hurt them, and I really really mean that. I'm sorry if it wasn't too clear from my previous post (I was very emotional), but I want to say I don't have such thoughts, thank goodness!

The problem I'm having is when I begin to interact with girls, or when I have to interact with them for some reason, or even just look at them. It's then when out of the blue I begin to feel like some pervert or like a dirty old rapist guy, I really don't know why. I feel disgusting around women and I feel as though I'm violating them simply talking to them. When a girl touches me and I have to touch her back (say a hug for example) it gets really bad and it feels almost like I've just raped her or done something really bad I shouldn't have. In my mind I'm also convinced that she feels sick and disgusted and cringes just by the mere thought of me perhaps touching her. I can't even say hi or smile at a girl without me feeling like I'm paying her inappropriate attention or I've violated her somehow. My mind is so messed up .

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Hi Verity, thanks for posting. No, luckily, very luckily, I don't think that when I see a girl in the street, thank goodness! No, I think only positive things when I see girls, how pretty they are and how much I would like to have love and a relationship in my life (not necessarily with the girl I'm seeing). I can't stand seeing things like rape on the telly or on the news, it hurts me very much. No, it's not that I'm having a problem with, I'm not having evil thoughts about girls. I have no thoughts of hurting girls or any bad thoughts whatsoever that I'm trying to repress or squash or something like that. I genuinely love girls too much to ever hurt them, and I really really mean that. I'm sorry if it wasn't too clear from my previous post (I was very emotional), but I want to say I don't have such thoughts, thank goodness!

The problem I'm having is when I begin to interact with girls, or when I have to interact with them for some reason, or even just look at them. It's then when out of the blue I begin to feel like some pervert or like a dirty old rapist guy, I really don't know why. I feel disgusting around women and I feel as though I'm violating them simply talking to them. When a girl touches me and I have to touch her back (say a hug for example) it gets really bad and it feels almost like I've just raped her or done something really bad I shouldn't have. In my mind I'm also convinced that she feels sick and disgusted and cringes just by the mere thought of me perhaps touching her. I can't even say hi or smile at a girl without me feeling like I'm paying her inappropriate attention or I've violated her somehow. My mind is so messed up .

That feeling of 'feeling like a pervert or rapist' isn't justified. What I'm guessing you are feeling is unjustified guilt, shame and fear? Therefore in order to lessen that feeling you could do what causes it again and again, hence interact more with women. If you find you are avoiding interacting with a girl then try your best (and it's not easy) to not avoid. The theory is the more you do something the more habituated you get to it and the feelings lessen. You could start off by noticing if you avoid women at checkouts, and purposefully join the line with the female cashier even if a male is available.
You already know you are not a pervert so you have the evidence to also challenge that. Thinking 'I bet she is feeling creeped out by me' is again your opinion but not necessarily hers. It's also a thought and not fact so notice it and let it pass as best you can. Has anyone ever said to you that you are creepy or disgusting? I'm wondering if this has been sparked off by an incident in your past? Even if someone did say that, again it's not necessarily true.

Originally Posted by Verity81

That feeling of 'feeling like a pervert or rapist' isn't justified. What I'm guessing you are feeling is unjustified guilt, shame and fear? Therefore in order to lessen that feeling you could do what causes it again and again, hence interact more with women. If you find you are avoiding interacting with a girl then try your best (and it's not easy) to not avoid. The theory is the more you do something the more habituated you get to it and the feelings lessen. You could start off by noticing if you avoid women at checkouts, and purposefully join the line with the female cashier even if a male is available.
You already know you are not a pervert so you have the evidence to also challenge that. Thinking 'I bet she is feeling creeped out by me' is again your opinion but not necessarily hers. It's also a thought and not fact so notice it and let it pass as best you can. Has anyone ever said to you that you are creepy or disgusting? I'm wondering if this has been sparked off by an incident in your past? Even if someone did say that, again it's not necessarily true.

Honestly, I can't ever recall a girl ever saying I was creepy or disgusting. If something has affected me, it appears to be really repressed and deep as it is not surfacing in my memories thinking back. It appears to be sub-concious perhaps. Is there any way my parents' dysfunctional marriage could have something to do with it? For as long as I can remember, I can never recall them touching or kissing or anything. In fact, as a child, I remember seeing other couples holding hands and kissing and stuff and actually thought that was abnormal, because my parents were also a couple and never did that. Sometimes my mom says my dad is disgusting, and they also sleep in different beds for the past 15 years or more, she says she doesn't want to sleep with him in the same bed. Do you think this could have contributed to it?

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Honestly, I can't ever recall a girl ever saying I was creepy or disgusting. If something has affected me, it appears to be really repressed and deep as it is not surfacing in my memories thinking back. It appears to be sub-concious perhaps. Is there any way my parents' dysfunctional marriage could have something to do with it? For as long as I can remember, I can never recall them touching or kissing or anything. In fact, as a child, I remember seeing other couples holding hands and kissing and stuff and actually thought that was abnormal, because my parents were also a couple and never did that. Sometimes my mom says my dad is disgusting, and they also sleep in different beds for the past 15 years or more, she says she doesn't want to sleep with him in the same bed. Do you think this could have contributed to it?

It does sound like that could have triggered this. As children our parents are the first couple we see interacting. There maybe other things your parents have said about each other that you were too young to remember but never the less formed a schema of what relationships are like in your brain. Even though you are older now and know that intimacy and affection are part of a healthy relationship you may only really know this logically but 'feeling' wise it's connected with 'disgust'. If as a child you have heard your dad called disgusting it's possible you could have internalised this as little boys will identify with the male role model in their lives. It's still possible to change this, a good therapist will be able to help you.

[arich62]

I agree about staying away from the horror movies and even the tv news. Stay busy, as busy as you can possibly be, 12-14 hours a day. Incapacitation is no good for paranoia feelings.