[emory_]

This is probably going to be a very long and rambling/scattered post, but I can't handle it anymore. I can't function, I have no hope for the future, my spirit is kind of broken. I need some advice, some validation, something.

I've had trouble with jobs since I got my first one at 16. That was before I was diagnosed or being treated for anything, so when I started getting help, I really hoped that working was one of those things that would just magically become doable. But no such luck. I've had probably 10 jobs, and almost each of them ended because I became so unhealthy specifically because of work that I had to quit or I probably would've ended up a psychiatric hospital again. It seems like no matter what job I'm doing, no matter how reasonable the work environment is or how unskilled the work is, my mind is always shifted to full blown panic mode while I'm there and my brain is desperately trying to escape the situation. I lose the ability to speak, everything happens in slow motion for me but everyone else is moving too fast, I am a ticking time bomb of sobbing just waiting to be set off (and I set off so easily for some reason- crying literally at least twice a day), full of incredible anger, completely unable to focus. And in nearly every position, I've become so stressed out and wound up that I've escaped to the bathroom multiple times to self mutilate (often when I haven't self mutilated in months- it breaks my sobriety from it) in hiding while on the clock. I have a really difficult time focusing (I can't figure out what comes next when I'm doing something, and I end up staring at a wall or a counter or the floor until someone yells at me for it, then I snap out and still can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing), I get in trouble constantly for making mistakes or being too slow or not being able to pay attention, and getting in trouble almost always sets me off into a spiral - I feel useless and stupid all the time already for not being able to function like a healthy person, and someone pointing it out in a rude way just ruins me for hours and hours. Being in a fast paced environment or being on a strict time schedule makes me anxious to the point of visible anger (throwing things, crying, unable to collect my thoughts or speak), which then gets me in trouble, which sets off a new spiral.... you get the point. I find myself crying every day when I get home and then later on when I remember that I have to return to work the next day. My body and mind don't function the right way for the kind of employment that I would be able to find in my town (pretty small town, tiny university). And I've tried several types of jobs, but they all end up the same - food service, retail, office and clerical, nannying. I always end up seeming like a horrible employee, no matter how hard I try, and I'm tired of contemplating suicide or drastic measures just because I'm at work, or now because I can't find work.

I've considered applying for disability before, but I've always ended up talking myself out of it because "there are people who actually need it", and because of the reaction my family would have if they knew I was doing that. They know that I'm sick, but to them, I'm not "sick enough" to actually justify claiming that my mental health causes my issues that are bigger than I can handle - meaning that because I'm not having visual hallucinations or talking to myself, I'm not actually that sick. I seem okay enough to socialize and I'm an intelligent person, so I must be an outstanding employee and if I have a hard time, it's just because I'm not trying hard enough and lazy. (I know this because when I was 19, completely undiagnosed and unmedicated, living out of the state on my own for the first time, working two jobs, and seriously considering killing myself because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I told my mom that I applied for food stamps because I couldn't afford my bills and food, and she told me I was the laziest person she'd met and she couldn't believe I've sink so low as to do that when there are people out there who actually need it). I know now that disability is something that I could seriously consider, and it's sounding more and more like my only option as the days go by and I only become more and more overwhelmed and discouraged by it. I'm also dealing with severe endometriosis on top of the mental health, which isn't a qualifying diagnosis for disability, but it's crippling enough that it's a major factor in my mental state. Another concern I have with applying for disability is the fact that I don't think my psychiatrist understands the severity of my MI, so I don't know if she would support my decision. Something I hate about myself is the fact that when I do something like go see my doctor, I become almost manic (and it's the ONLY time I ever become manic anymore) and even though I can talk about the things that are wrong, I don't become emotional over them or show exactly how much they're affecting me or my life. So it ends up being me explaining how much I hate working and can't handle myself, but I don't sound like a tortured soul when I'm saying it, so it just ends up with me sounding like I'm just complaining instead of asking for help. And she usually just suggests that I talk to my therapist about it. And sometimes I even forget that there's anything wrong and don't tell her! I only see her for about ten minutes a month, and she's very nice, but she seems uninterested in the personal details and just wants the textbook specifics, if that makes sense. My therapist would be the one who is much more willing to support the decision for disability, but it's my understanding that you can't use notes from psychotherapy to support a disability claim. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me on that.

I'm also worried about what would happen if I were denied disability- that means all hope is gone, and I would probably just kill myself honestly. I'm a financial burden to my family and those I love, the thought of finding a job and going through training and everything else that comes with it makes me literally want to shoot myself, my fiance financially supports both of us with his barista job while he goes to school full time, I have 4 dollars to my name right now, I feel useless, I feel like every person I know looks at me and thinks I'm a lazy POS for not working regardless of if they know I have MI or not. That last sentence plays in my head over and over and over again and all I can do is sit here and cry deeply and painfully over how bad I feel about it all. Something HAS to happen in the next while, whether it be some miraculous way to suddenly be able to work or me cutting contact with everyone I know and dropping off the face of the planet, it has to be soon.

I need advice, I don't need hugs or well wishes I think, I need someone to tell me I'm not just lazy, to tell me that it's okay to not be able to do it, to tell me that I'm justified in believing I'm at the end of my rope and must take different steps to achieve stability and health, to tell me that they know what this is like and how to get through it. Someone to talk about the process for applying for disability, tips, tricks, whatever. I just need something. If you've made it this far without smashing your head through the desk or the nearest pane of glass, thank you. I needed to vent so badly, and this seems like the only place I could do so without someone telling me it's my own fault.

[wheredidthepartygo]

hello hello i hope you're doing okay i just want to say: i totally relate so much
almost everything you say is exactly how i feel except that i can put a really good mask on at work so every time i have to quit my job because i'm about two seconds away from killing myself from all the stress and panic and exhaustion no one understands because i seem like such a good, happy employee and so then it just seems like i don't want to work because i'm lazy
i'm also wanting to go on disability but i only have a psychiatrist and no therapist and my psychiatrist is the most uncaring seeming person, he's only interested in seeing what pills might work on me
i don't know what to do, i live at home with my mom and don't pay any bills i have -$5 in my bank account but the thing is my mom's not that well off and has to care for my sister who has down syndrome
she wants to help me but i don't know how much longer she can
if i can't get on disability i don't know what i'll do
there's nothing i can do
it's like i'm just not fit for life
also it's impossible for me to tell people the severity of my situation and especially since if i try explaining it now it just seems (to me at least) like i'm just making it up and exaggerating it so i can get money
i just don't know what to do
i don't know how long i can handle feeling like such a burden on the people in my life
i definitely think you should ask your psychiatrist about it though, the sooner the better in case they do deny you (idk why they would but it's a ****** system) then the sooner you can reapply

i also think that if i was on disability i could try getting a job and slowly working from only a couple hours a week to a bit more and a bit more...
i feel like it could kinda help to ease into something? probably therapists would know more on that
but then there's not the stress of your livelihood on your job because working wouldn't be about the money if you're on disability and i just think the stress of that really contributes to problems with this kinda thing
(at least in my case)
anyway i understand what you're going through and i wish people could be more understanding and helpful in times like this

it's not fun feeling like your worth is tied into how much you can work when you feel like you can't work

[kaliope]

well, do i have to type all that stuff you want to hear out or can i just say what you are saying is true? lol.

i think you have your mom's voice in your head is the problem. you are denying yourself services and help because you are believing what she is saying about being lazy. you are not lazy. you have severe mental health issues and they are causing severe dysfunction in your life. your anxiety and possibly adhd is preventing you from keeping a job. your inability to communicate what is going on to your pdoc because you dont believe you are really "that bad off" because "others are worse and more deserving of services" and you are "just complaining" is preventing you from getting the help you need. it may be that your meds arent working appropriately. it may be that your therapist doesnt know the serverity of what you are going thru so isnt treating you appropriately. you may not get disability because the severity of what you are going thru is not documented. (i just get this impression from what you wrote. hopefully you have been clearer with your providers) if you have not, print out what you wrote here and bring it to them. you could use some cbt to work on your thoughts, because you are deserving of more help. if you cant keep a job due to mental health issues, that is what disability is for. the fact that others may be sicker than you is irrelevant. they can apply for it too. it is there for everyone. you are not taking anything away from anybody by applying for it. applying for it doesnt make you lazy. it is about survival. i dont know the process of applying for disability except that it is challenging and you usually get denied a time or two before finally getting accepted so be prepared for that. your chances of getting accepted are better if you have a lawyer apply. there are lawyers who specialize in this who charge nothing up front until you get your claim and if you dont, you dont pay anything. that is how it works here anyway. so look in the yellow pages, they will have it listed in their ad if that is what they specialize in. good luck..........and i am going to give you a hug anyway...lol

[pnw1]

I agree with what Kali is saying to you. If your mental health is preventing or making it very difficult to work, that's what Disability is for, folks like us. Lots of people have that misconception that it is for lazy people who for folks that don't want to work. It is for folks who cant work, and it sounds like you have issues with that. Its not your fault..

Make sure your PDoc understands all your issues and apply if you cant work. I wish you the best.

[Waystd Dayz]

Hugged you any way just to start. You are not lazy. And it is okay to be on disability. You might look into finding another physician. One with compassion. They are out there. As far as disability goes, when we had things together we worked for social security. In the disability determination department. 99% of those that file for disability are rejected out right or informed more information is needed. Not sure what state you are in but in most the disability determination is validated once your conditions are confirmed by one or a group of their physicians. They will send you to a head dr and/or a physician.
If people are judging you hang out with someone else. That can be hard if you only talk to family but if they are not supportive than their negativity can be detrimental to your well-being.
It wont be easy. Getting disability usually takes a year or more. Sometimes two or more years. When was at local social services office filing, was stunned to hear a worker explaining to two women from another country that they hadnt been in the US long enough to be eligable. And here we worked for more than 30 years and was having to fight for it. So it is there for YOU because you DO need it.
Sorry this ran long but hope you go for it. Keep in touch & Hang in there!!!

[avlady]

you definately seem to need social security. i agre with others here, you can see a lawyer that will do the work an if you get it they get their money too.

[Pikku Myy]

Frugally

[kindachaotic]

So sorry you are struggling. Don't know if you're on any Meds but its something to consider or a med tweak. Could also call & try to get earlier appt with T or pdoc.

This is your life & your suffering. At this point do not let family or friends influence your decision to file for short or long term disability. You deserve the help, also might quality for food stamps. Nothing to be ashamed of!!

I would post a link where I responded to this particular thread but don't know how. Date was 8-24-11 and thread was "Disability Hearing... Questions??" Feel free to look back thru my stats. It was my experience with the SSDI process. But I don't know anything about the short term SSI process.
Don't know if this helped but hope you get help & relief very soon.

[Waystd Dayz]

Originally Posted by wheredidthepartygo

i also think that if i was on disability i could try getting a job and slowly working from only a couple hours a week to a bit more and a bit more...
i feel like it could kinda help to ease into something? probably therapists would know more on that
but then there's not the stress of your livelihood on your job because working wouldn't be about the money if you're on disability and i just think the stress of that really contributes to problems with this kinda thing
(at least in my case)
anyway i understand what you're going through and i wish people could be more understanding and helpful in times like this

it's not fun feeling like your worth is tied into how much you can work when you feel like you can't work

Heyhey, that last sentence, wow, sad but true. Worked for social security in their disability determination team for many years and most submissions are denied outright or requested for additional information. Most of the time the process takes a year or more, thats before your first denial. That process isnt about you, its about jobs. Know that going in helps. Also many states have programs where you can work and still recieve benefits. The thing with that isnthey are in your business big time. So weigh that against the long fight of just getting benefits in the first place.
Many people never apply for benefits they desperately need to survive. We are from a family of seven. Mother, father, 2 brothers and 1 sister died with out ever recieving any benefits. They all worked jobs were social security taxes were taken . Collectively they worked more than 130 years. What happens to all of those tax dollars? We found out when we went to our local office to file for disability. A case worker was explaining to a mother and daughter from another country that the mother would need to be a US resident for 2 years in order to be eligable for benefits. And here we are having to fight for benefits that US citizens have paid into and many die before ever receiving a penny. This isnt a soapbox. Its like your last sentence. Sad but true.
So start the process. And dont give up if you are denied. Get a lawyer if you have to but atleast apply. One suggestion for you is get all your info together first. Every name, address, phone number of places worked, lived. Dr's seen. Also, SS usually sends you to their own group of dr's regardless of whether or not you have a doc of your own saying you are diabled. So dont wait to find a dr that will write you as disabled.
Good luck and be strong

[Waystd Dayz]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

So sorry you are struggling. Don't know if you're on any Meds but its something to consider or a med tweak. Could also call & try to get earlier appt with T or pdoc.

This is your life & your suffering. At this point do not let family or friends influence your decision to file for short or long term disability. You deserve the help, also might quality for food stamps. Nothing to be ashamed of!!

I would post a link where I responded to this particular thread but don't know how. Date was 8-24-11 and thread was "Disability Hearing... Questions??" Feel free to look back thru my stats. It was my experience with the SSDI process. But I don't know anything about the short term SSI process.
Don't know if this helped but hope you get help & relief very soon.

That is helpful about searching for thread. New and still learning PC. Thanks for that and the support you give!

[Youdontevenknow]

Hi :0)
You know, the first thing I noticed is you starting working so young. You aren't asking for a handout with SSD, you earned it.
I'm a RN case manger. I think the only way I could work now is from home, thank goodness it's an option for me. I give people resources all the time for SSD, please let me know if I can help.
You'd be amazed the things people are on disability for. I'm not saying anyone doesn't deserve it, I am just saying we all have our own burdens to carry. It's impossible to compare our struggles to anyone else's. each of us handles our struggles in our own way and they are individual and personal.. So never think you are not as deserving as anyone else.
Now, the guilt thing... It eats me up too. I need help w my child and my folks do a lot, but people wouldn't help if they didn't want to and some day the tables may turn, someone may need your help and I can tell you would do anything you are able for a loved one. But what I try to tell myself is redirect your guilt, bc reasoning doesn't work, instead you just ruminate on it and feel worse. U have to tell yourself that whatever is causing the guilt is a necessity and regardless of whether u beat yourself up about it and let the guilt eat away at you, it's still something that is happening and it doesn't make you a better person to hate yourself for it. I think we all instinctively feel guilty easily bc we don't feel we r worth anything and I think we see others who take advantage of people and think about how loathsome that is. But being guilt ridden isn't making you or the situation better. All you can do is be thankful and do what you can when you can.
Of course I say all of this but still have a hard time walking the walk, myself, but I hope this perspective on it is helpful.
Hit me up anytime u need anything at all and I'll do anything I can
Wishing you the best, AC (something to make u smile)

[emory_]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

So sorry you are struggling. Don't know if you're on any Meds but its something to consider or a med tweak. Could also call & try to get earlier appt with T or pdoc.

This is your life & your suffering. At this point do not let family or friends influence your decision to file for short or long term disability. You deserve the help, also might quality for food stamps. Nothing to be ashamed of!!

I would post a link where I responded to this particular thread but don't know how. Date was 8-24-11 and thread was "Disability Hearing... Questions??" Feel free to look back thru my stats. It was my experience with the SSDI process. But I don't know anything about the short term SSI process.
Don't know if this helped but hope you get help & relief very soon.

Do you know how to look at someone's post history? I haven't quite figured out how to navigate this site very well yet and I want to check that post out. Thanks for your reply!

[kindachaotic]

No, really sorry I don't not very computer savvy. But feel free to look back thru my stats on my profile page for that particular date & thread.
I am not sensitive to anyone else looking thru them to help you either.
Wish I knew how to post links...
Also was 45yrs old when filed in April of 2003. Had same job for 23yrs.
With your history of anxiety & not being able to keep jobs coz of stress it might not take so long, especially with some help from you Pdoc or GP. Try & come up with as much of your paperwork as possible to send in. DON'T get discouraged it will happen & you deserve it.
Take care!

I will focus on both issues.

Before your next session with your psychiatrist, write on paper why you believe that you qualify for SSDI. (Some people are not able to focus in the moment.) Be assertive and emotional, but not aggressive or hysterical;make sure you bring the paper to the next session with your psychiatrist. After making your case, tell your psychiatrist that her assistance is essential. On a personal note, I wrote two letters to the President of the USA (Barack Obama). Both times I received a response from high-ranking staff members from the White House. After I did that, everything fell into place real quick (my VA compensation claim was approved at 100%, and my SSDI was approved (it was my first time filing for both).

As far as jobs go, I realize that you have had several jobs and that all of them created psychological difficulties. My question to you is this: Do you have a passion for anything? If so, what is your passion? Would you consider working in an independently-owned bookstore? Or something along those lines?

Regardless, everyone needs an essential foundation:A certain amount of money in your pocket, a roof over your head, food in your stomach, some form of transportation, and last, but not least, a comfortable psychological environment.

Take care.

[kindachaotic]

Another thing, after being denied twice then going to court. I wrote a 5 page letter to give to the judge on the day of the hearing. Really think that helped a lot with the favorable decision to finally get benefits.
They have been a blessing otherwise we'd have probably lost our home.
Hang in there.

[Terabithia]

I applied for disability when I was 34 years old and have never regretted it. It's been a HUGE relief in my life. I was at a point, like you, that I just couldn't deal with it any longer. I got approved pretty quickly - within 6 months, without a lawyer. I had a detailed history of my treatment - hospitalizations, doctors, etc.. I don't know if it was the number of hospitalizations or if it was my doctors that helped me. I never talked to my previous doctors to know if they contacted them. I'm sure they did, though, and those doctors would have supported me. So, definately make sure you have the support of a very good doctor. I hope it works out for you - you don't need to be suffering like you are. Go easy on yourself.

[cool09]

I've had serious problems since 14, as well. I'm 50 now and have had at least a dozen jobs, multiple hospitalizations, SSDI 1993-96, SSDI 2004-present. Thank God there is SSDI and a father who supports me. I watch all of the money I spend and my income is less than $24K/year. I rarely buy clothes, I don't use my car a great deal, I just try taking care of myself, I've learned to budget.

it's my understanding that you can't use notes from psychotherapy to support a disability claim.

Mental health treatment documentation is most definitely used for SSDI consideration. And after applying for SSDI you are given a psych evaluation (from an independent psychologist) and that evaluation is used in court. My health records were about 6" thick and the Judge commented on its volume (and the fact that he couldn't read my psychiatrists handwriting). You have nothing to lose applying for SSDI and the psych evaluation is not heavy scrutiny - the psychologist just documents what you tell them regarding issues, functioning, work history, etc. and doesn't make any judgements.

[IceCreamKid]

I think you need therapy specifically for this problem. You have developed a mechanism to keep you from being employed. I think you can break this mechanism and will be happier for it. This sounds daunting, but maneuvering yourself into a lifetime of poverty is worse. Please get the therapeutic attention you need.

[ShantheArtist23]

I know exactly how you feel!
I had one job so far and I only worked 3 hours a day from Monday to Thursday. I only did little stuff like stamp envelopes, deliver/open mail, copy papers and documents and stuff, sort things... etc. I've been trying to get a job for a while now and it just seems like nobody really gets back to me.
But please, do NOT kill yourself. ;__; It gets better, please, try and find maybe a little job like I did? That way you'd be getting paid at least and it's something you could handle?
I really hope what I'm saying is helping a little... I have problems talking correctly lol.
It'll get better, I promise. I was in the same boat, I almost quit my tiny job because I thought I couldn't handle it, but I DID. You can do it!

[kim_johnson]

I got disability. Not in the US - so I don't know the logistics of how it work there... But in the country where I'm at. To start with I felt a lot of guilt that there were other 'truly disabled' people out there who needed it more than me. That I should somehow 'pull myself up by my bootstraps' that there 'wasn't anything really wrong with me' (except possibly that I needed an attitude readjustment etc.

But things were... Fairly much as you describe... With respect to my really trying to make a variety of things (jobs or study options) work... And things just not working out. Me not being able to do it. It wasn't just that I didn't like it, or whatever, it was that I would end up in a place where I was ready to throw myself off the nearest bridge, or whatever...

Since I got disability my life changed for the better. There were a bunch of things that I needed... Some of them I knew I needed. Some of them I didn't know that I needed. But now I have more of what I need... Perhaps everything that I need, in some sense. And... This year I'm going to make a go of full time study and... Hope to get into Med School for next year. I don't know whether I'll make it, or not, but I think I have a pretty good chance, actually, if I remain focused on the goal, and don't freak out too much along the way. They seem... Shocked? That I'm voluntarily taking on a full time workload even though my 'work obligation has been lifted'. I guess... That is best case... That you get the disability help you need and that you... Discover something that you CAN do.

It sounds to me like you should try and apply. Your therapist said that they are willing to support an application. Do you have a medical doctor e.g., psychiatrist on side? I don't know the logistics of your system... For me... It was fairly crucial to have both. Good luck with things...

[waggiedog]

Hi there and good day! LOL, I usually start my messages with hugs n other such like but as you've said no hugs ~~ well, I have to respect what you said.

First, and I know everybody has already told you, you ARE in need of help. Now whether that's the help for physical issues or it's mental issues (or both) you are not managing (as I can't and don't without help). Please PLEASE just try for disability, I'm pretty sure you DO infact need it and you need the help of a Psych Dr a GP, a community psych nurse etc. I'd def start with applying for disability, everyone else obviously qualifies so why not you?? I'm in England but to be honest the system is almost the same. OK you may need or be asked to fill in a lot of forms/paperwork, but most probably won't apply to you and your situation. Get disability going asap as it can take some time to get into the system.

Do come back and let us know what happens, or come back for on going support. x

[Lady Courtesan]

Okay-no hugs, bs or blowing sunshine up your *****.

Boy, has your family, especially Mom, done a number on you. You are self mutilating, contemplating suicide, miserably unhappy-and you think you don't deserve help?
(I am 63 and been through a lifetime of this kind of crap, so I'm probaly a good person to listen to.)

Here are the three things I would do first.

Get a lawyer. Let them take the burden of paperwork and proof from you. They will tell you what they need to win your case. Be smart about it. Research lawyers carefully and look for one who specializes in getting benefits. If they charge you, so what? Better to have 80% of something than 0% of nothing. And yes, you might have to apply more than once. So prepare yourself for that.

Stop discussing this with anyone. Anyone! Your relationship with your mother sounds toxic-stop giving her a target. I don't know what her issues are, but start living your own life.

Examine your feelings of guilt. Those who need help, will seek it, and you are not taking anything away from anyone. Besides-sounds to me like you are the one who could really use some help right now. And when you doubt yourself, sweetie-come here-talk to us-keep seeking counsel here.

And start looking into medicaide, food stamps-whatever programs may be out there for you. And for God's sake, get a new shrink.

And you can always pm me. Now can I give yo a hug? LC

[Fabulous]

To get extra money you can try MTurk. I'm trying to figure out how to do some kind of online business but unsuccessfully. If you can get benefits I think go for it. You clearly need that.

[Youdontevenknow]

Originally Posted by cool09

I've had serious problems since 14, as well. I'm 50 now and have had at least a dozen jobs, multiple hospitalizations, SSDI 1993-96, SSDI 2004-present. Thank God there is SSDI and a father who supports me. I watch all of the money I spend and my income is less than $24K/year. I rarely buy clothes, I don't use my car a great deal, I just try taking care of myself, I've learned to budget.
Mental health treatment documentation is most definitely used for SSDI consideration. And after applying for SSDI you are given a psych evaluation (from an independent psychologist) and that evaluation is used in court. My health records were about 6" thick and the Judge commented on its volume (and the fact that he couldn't read my psychiatrists handwriting). You have nothing to lose applying for SSDI and the psych evaluation is not heavy scrutiny - the psychologist just documents what you tell them regarding issues, functioning, work history, etc. and doesn't make any judgements.

I agree, they can be used, see SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY FOR A MENTAL CONDITION

I just wanted to say I can relate and empathize with you.

I come from a family of workaholics and my husband is a workaholic. I've been searching for a job but am deathly afraid to work due to my lingering depression and anxiety. I got a volunteering "job" 2 days a week for 3 hours and am apprehensive about starting that even!

Sorry I don't have any advice. Just wishing you the best.