[wisewoman]

I have been a caregiver most of my life for people. I hate injustice, fight to see people treated well. with respect etc. My plate is full of issues up close and personal and I feel like I have very little to give. I have been a lurker here for the better but of a year after being a very frequent poster. I don't have anything left to give much of the time.

I care,deeply, for others but it starts this thing where I feel powerless. So I am pretty much being selfish and asking or my own needs to get met.

IRL I have loved ones going through tough things and my life ain't easy. I don't want to be perceived as complaining. I have also spent my life never complaining because it meant I was bad or I would get hurt. So to the best of my ability to explain, this is where I am at. Just need ya to know. Y know?

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

[lenjan]

(((((((((W W)))))))) You've certainly always been very kind and always there to help me. What can I do for you?

[Zorah]

(((((wisewoman)))))

talk to us !!!! can we help ?

[wisewoman]

Thanks friends. Candy, you are always there and I know that. That is all I need. Alistening ear or 50 and feedback when needed. Especially if I sound like I am swimming in the deep end too long. THANK YOU ALL.

[wisewoman]

ps, I feel like the startreck character that could feel everyone's feelings and would be worn out? That's me.

[chalmette70043]

(((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))

[sabby]

((((((((((( wisewoman )))))))))))

It's so easy to feel empty when all you do is give and give and get very little to nothing in return. Been there done that. I too am in the care field and sometimes it feels like I'm on the back burner for far too long.

I'm slowly learning how to give back to myself and make myself realize that it is NOT a bad thing to do for oneself. I have some wonderful friends here who are helping me to learn that

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that since I am a giver, it's ok to give to myself too. Mostly because it's not done in a manner of being selfish....it's done for a reason of being able to recharge so I can continue to give. That thought helps make it easier for me to help myself without feeling selfish or bad. Maybe you can try to think in those terms too?

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you this past year or so. Please know that I send you warm and healing thoughts. Don't forget the reason we are here is to learn and grow and share. When you are ready to share....we are ready to listen!


sabby

[bebop]

((((wise))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( wisewoman )))))))))))

[wisewoman]

Thanks you all. Sabby, it feels like I am burned out on life. The reality that I don't have power to stop bad things, bad people from happening to good people including myself, just hurts. Losing our foster daughter whom we love so much and hoped to adopt. My dealings with that agency which has been nasty, cruel, lying, sneaky etc. They have persecuted me and in part they have used my mental health diagnoses which they didn't even know about when they took the child. That one is hard.

I am sick of people being hurt and I want to have some power. And I need to protect myself some I guess.

[DocClyde]

(((WW)))

[wisewoman]

Thanks Clyde, have not 'seen" you in a while. I keep muddling on. Can you or someone tell me if there is a way that I can scan a document and have it as a post here? I do not know how to do it, would be easy enough to scan, but would a scanned image be too big to be on here? Could I do it?

[DePressMe]

Altruism…one of my favorites. You are a wonderful example of an altruistic person. But, even the best of people need to take time out for themselves—a person can not give and give and give…pretty soon the well will run empty.

When you are going through tough times and you talk about them, you are not complaining. You are reaching out for care and support. The same care and support you so freely give to others.

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time right now. I truly hope you are taking care of yourself—taking time out just for you. Please, let me know if I can do anything to help you...

[wisewoman]

Thanks DeP, I am not sleeping, will you knock me out? Too many thoughts. Thanks again.

[mrsmoggles]

I am here and can lend an ear, a shoulder and a hankie when and if you are ready to talk...I am still fairly new, but by doing for others I can live with myself.LOL Doesn't that sound funny to you as it does me?? I too worked in the caregiving side of things until I physically couldnt do it.

So and more and well wishes for you and your family. I hope it works out for you. I really do. The courts and childrens services are too often corrupt and not fun to deal with. Personal experience with them and my youngest.

TCOY!!!! melanie

[sabby]

((((((((( W W )))))))))) I do understand exactly how you feel. I too was left out in the cold by the agency that I worked so hard for to support some of their most difficult individuals. I gave and gave and gave and the more I gave the more they demanded. Burned out, crispy critter is what they ended up with. And to beat all, when I reached out to them for help, they shunned me and turned on me in a heartbeat. Shame on them!!!

It does hurt tremendously when all you want to do is help and they even take that away from you. Not only that it makes me dang mad as all get out!

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to treat yourself kindly and with lots of love and compassion right now. Give to yourself what you so willingly want to give to others. Fill up your well again. It's what I'm doing now myself.

It is hard sometimes to accept that we cannot control what others do (even when what they are doing is not right). Our only true control is over ourselves and what we think, feel and do. From there, the rest is up to others in how they respond to us....no?

You are working through the grieving process of loosing your foster child hon. It will take however long it will take. There is no time constraints on grieving. On top of that you are having to deal with the anger you are feeling towards the agency. That's a lot of stuff to work through.

I know it's hard to think in these terms at times, but sometimes things happen for a reason. Could it be that you are meant for another situation? That you gave to this one child exactly what she needed in her life and now it's time for you to put your energies into another individual? I know we can sit and think that there was more you wanted and needed to do for this child......and that she bonded with you. Of course she bonded with you....you showed her unconditional love. That was the lesson you were to teach her hon....that there is such a thing as unconditional love.

Maybe when it's time, you can turn your thought pattern around from being upset and angry to remembering the good that you did for her when she was with you. Thinking of the positive side of having her in your home for the short time that you did, gave her something wonderful to hold onto. She will never forget you and your love. That in itself is a huge positive and a very wonderful thing!

Take care dear one.....your job is not finished here. There is something else you need to do and when your ready, it will reveal itself and you will feel better and stronger and ready to take it on.


sabby

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
They have persecuted me and in part they have used my mental health diagnoses

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

(((WW))) Life is how we view it. I know some really hard situations have occurred in your life, and many of them you have no control over NOW. Finding a way to stand up when stuck downtrodden in mud is very important for those who rally to their own cause and heal.

The whole world is not out to get you. You still have value in life, and I feel for your missing out during this time that you continue to grieve those losses you cannot regain. Once you can find a higher perspective (other than feeling persecuted) you will be able to better evaluate what you can do and what you can't, and put your new found energies to accomplishing more good, as you have in the past.

[wisewoman]

Sabby, Moggles and Sky, I am still working the legal angle here and when I am complete with that I will send my case to the Human Rights commission. It's interesting that you picked up on my needing a purpose. Unless I mentioned it before that is exactly where my head has been at. What am I here for if all that I do brings me sorrow. Yes the job I had for so many years brought me a lot more then sorrow and people still tell me that no one can do the work with the quality with which I did it. That makes me feel good. But in the end my agency was not kind as one would hope. I allowed myself to work 2x as hard as others and they grew to expect it and grew angry when I didn't perform to that level. However even with them now my feelings are about seeing people treated well as my replacement has been unable to manage to do that.

I know that I need to change my mind set of persecuted but the reality is that I have been and I have not admitted it a whole lot. It's a time of autumn for me, a time of change. But first the old leaves must die and I must get ready for a hibernation to be ready for my own spring time when I can see what blossoms.

My kiddo- oh I hope she knew/knows how much she is loved. Yes, unconditional love. I didn't get it till I was much older. it changed my life.

I don't know a lot right now but I am so very sad when I write about the kiddo. We used to lie awake at night and go watch her and wonder at the miracle that brought her to us. We marveled at her beauty and fierce instincts to live. We fell in love.

[Rapunzel]

WW, are you able to look back at the good that you have accomplished and feel good about it still, knowing that you might not be doing the same things now, but you still are very important to your family and your pets, and even taking care of yourself counts too? You seem to be struggling so much to keep doing the same things and running into a wall when something prevents you from doing what you used to do. Also, while having a purpose is important to you, I also sense that recognition for what you do is also part of the equation. What do you think? And if recognition is part of it, what can you do to feel appreciated for what you are doing? You do a lot of good in the world, and have done a lot of good, and I don't think you will ever stop.

[wisewoman]

Recognotion is not what I am after. I had a long talk with a good friend today and it was quite helpful. I am at a loss of identity now. My kids are grown and we wanted more. We went to great lengths to get ready to adopt again. I am grieving the loss of the child who was ours for 14 months and I am mourning the fact that there are people in this world who get off on power. Who somehow are threatened by someone with ethics, morals, values, whatever. And so to get at me I have been accused of child abuse. That is the worst anyone could do to me ever because of my own mother. Though the state has cleared me the county continues to spew filth. I am waiting for the state to put a stop to it.

So I am mourning the fact that I have no power to stop these type of people from hurting innocent people. I am watching people at a child care center bully other staff and say demeaning things in front of children, of the children. Again,these people can smell blood and are threatened easily and go for the throat. I am so glad to have some clarity in my mind. And I am told that I need to find a new job, about living this time. So many deaths. And yesterday I found that a friend of mine finally succumbed to breast cancer on Dec 30. I didn't know. I was getting my hair cut when I learned.

I know without question that I was excellent at my job of many years. I kept my head low and tried to do whatever I could for my clients within the boundaries of the programs or tools I had at hand. So I developed a new way to use a program designed to give people care in their homes. I did this one client at a time because they didn't want to go to nursing homes. And then after many years the state got suspicious of every move I made. I was trained to advocate and trained by attorneys to move between the lines to get needs met. I was very good at it. And, again, according to my friend, people were threatened. So my agency supported me but I was continually harrassed by the state. After a while the agency started to get sick of the crap they were taking. There is much much more to it. This is the abbreviated version. The irony is that I am afraid of people being upset with me but My friend pointed out I don't back down when I feel there is a moral or ethical issue. I stand up and do whatever I can for the client.

So the child care place, I am only distantly connected to but it eats at me everyday. Everytime I hear more stuff. You see, caring for these children is a priveledge. It is the same priveledge of caring for my older and disabled clients and developing resources for them. So the PTSD makes me react and feel such pain at the injustice that bring this stuff into my life but I can't stop myself from the feelings. A deep grief and pain. I love people. I expect the best of them. I want people to be treated with kindness, high reguard and respect. I hurt when that doesn't happen. I hurt for me because of my history and I hurt for the victims of all of the above.

As for my need to be recognized. I have to say I live in a pretty rural place and I do run into old clients and their families. They have ALL said they wish I were back and that they are so sorry to see me gone. I have explained to them that I left for personal reasons and I appreciate their kind words. But the words are not neccesary. My conscience is quite clear. I know what I gave and I know what it cost and I couldn't/'wouldn't do anything any differently. The only thing I have trouble with is the statement that I intimidate people because I stick to my values and don't back down. I am a big chicken, afraid of the world and I intimidate people? Weird huh?

Thanks all for helping to clarify for me and continuing to strain it and filter it through for me. I learned to cry about 4 years ago and now I can't stop. It's so on the surface all of the time.

[(JD)]

((ww))) I suspect that some of what you are feeling (loss) is also attributable to the "empty nest syndrome."
I do recall the great assistance you gave many of the members here, regarding all those legalities and resources you enmeshed yourself with.

Yes, you will fare better if you can find a new perspective regarding their treatment of you.

[wisewoman]

Sky, I am not sure how to find a new perspective, to try to think better of the people who have hurt me? My faith tells me to try to wish well even for those who oppress me, to think kind thoughts about those who have hurt me. To ask the universe for peace and understanding. It is a bit difficult right now. Too close. I am starting easy saying I wish them no harm. I want them to have peace in their hearts. I don't understand what you are saying and need clarification I guess. I know I need to get to a place of personal power. "I choose to live well despite what you have done" kinda thing. It will come.

[wisewoman]

My dear old friend is going to therapy with me tomorrow. I have never done anything like this. I want to discuss everything above and need her help and need to see where to go from here. Some may remember a precious kiddo fighting through cancer after a kidney transplant 4-5 years ago? This is kiddo's mom. Kiddo is now 20 and she almost died from sepsis right before Christmas and is now being considered for a liver transplant due to poly cystic Kidney disease also causing corolies (sp) disease in liver and this is why she keeps getting sepsis.

Anyway, I thought I would tell you all that I am taking a large leap of faith having my friend go with me but I have been stuck here too long. Thanks all.

[DocClyde]

(((WW)))

You should be able to scan it, then save it as a picture file, such as .jpg, .gif or whatever...

If you need help, PM me and I will see what I can do. Sorry I didnt get to your question quicker. Grandmas been here, and I have barely been in my room (computer room) to do anything but homework for school