[wisewoman]

My daughter's best friend/sister, our best frinds child, Had a kidney transplant one year ago because of a congenital defect. She had been on dialysis for 1 1/2 years before that . She found out this morning that she has a lymphoma. This is not uncommon with people taking immune suppresive drugs for anti rejection. She will be 17 in Oct. My daughter and I went up to see her at the hospital 1 1/2 hours away. When we walked in dad told us the news. My daughter cried all the way home and says it's not fair, she has suffered so much, why does this happen to her. Her mom came back from an errand while we were there and hugged me so tight. My daughter told her she looked worse then the kid. When we left the hospital both of the parents held my daughter close. They are worried about her, as am I. But I feel for the first time in almost 17 years of this child's illness, hopeless. I feel frightened and sad and can't comprehend she will beat this one. She also developed diabetes as a result of the anti-rejection drugs. I have always said she is a strong kid and fights hard. She is amazing, a sick kid who pushes heself to excel and create and be a part of the things she enjoys. I have not heard pity from her. Just resolution. She is trying to protect mom. And there is not a g.d. thing I or my daughter can do. We will visit daily. Make her laugh, keep her supplied with DVDS. Love her, love her parents. Do farm chores as necessary for the family. We will be there. and it all sucks. I can't stand the pain of seeing her and her family and my daughter. I can handle it, how can I help them? How can I explain the unfairness of the world to my youngest child. When the transplant happened last year it was at a hospital several hours away. My daughter would not visit. She wouldn't visit because she was afraid her friend would die. Now she may have to watch her do just that. It ain't fair. My daughter has enough trauma and difficulty in her life. It ain't fair, this child has sat through horrible tortures in the name of treatment for her non-functioning kidney's. Then she learned to be a diabetic. And now this. We don't know until tomorrow if it's spread. Right now it's in her throat and esophogus. We'll know if there are other sites. It is agressive and fast moving. First sign was a sore throat two weeks ago. This is too much to hold onto. and I don't know of anything I can do but be there.

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry for both families. The illness of a child is so difficult to understand. I hope you have people to talk to around you - you will need that in the time ahead. I do so hope for this child's brightest future. Please keep us posted on how you are doing, and how your daughter, and her friend are doing. Big hugs!!! emmy

[mj14]

wisewoman, I am so sorry to hear that. Life has a way of being particularly cruel sometimes.

You asked how can you help them...but what you are doing by just being there for them, and showing how much you love and care for the whole family, may be more help than you know.

You will all be in my prayers.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[wisewoman]

thanks mj, emily and fuzzy. i don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to not sink back into the hole of depression. I spoke with her dad a bit ago and they may decide to ship her to children's hospital several hours away. I don't know how to do any of this. It isn't fair. I lost a child 5 years ago and I just can't see my friend's having to go there after all they have been through. I can't see us losing the wonderful gift of this child's life. I can't imagine helping my daughter through it. I am not usually so negative, would have hope. Might tomorrow but they knew another kid who had the exact same thing and died. Harder to fight with the transplant and all. I am so sad. I want to scream. Want to punch something. Want to be there and not leave her side. Want to make her laugh. It just sucks and I can't deal tonight.

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, Boy! Life sure sucks sometimes, but you know? These special people that are given so much to endure are more often than not an inspiration to the rest of us. That is their mission in life. I've seen it more than once or twice. Maybe her purpose in life, her mission is to show the rest of us her faith, strength, determination and the way she stays positive through it all. She just keeps on plugging. Step back and watch her... and learn from her. If you get any insights, share them with her parents and your daughter. Whether she makes it through this or not, no one can tell, but have you stopped to think that she may be an angel sent from Heaven to teach those around her some very valuable lessons?

What I would do is just take one sickness, one day, one moment at a time, but keep your eye on her and see what beautiful things you can learn from her.

In the meantime, give her and her parents all the love you can but don't try to be everything to them. You can't do it. Just do what you can and it will be rewarded.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WW}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[wisewoman]

I think she is a gift and that no one can deal with this kind of pain continuously. It's been a long haul for them, two children already dead shortly after birth from the disease, and the magic kidney? The drugs give her diabetes and lymphoma! I am angry and worried sick and not very nice right now. She is a beautiful child and I have always celebrated each day of her remarkable life. But this is too much for me to fathom. So right, one minute at a time. It really bites, stinks, sucks, pukes, get the point? More hell for her and mom and Dad. And for my daughter who already has multiple issues, she gets this as frosting.

Anger sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I'm really glad you can post about your true feelings here. I also hope you have some close friends you can talk to about those real honest feelings. I can't recall if you are in therapy now or not, but if it's possible, this may be a good time to consider that option. IMO, talking is the only thing that helps at all. It gets those emotions out - whatever they are, anger, fury, deepest pain.

I'm sure since you already lost a child you've read enough about grief to know that one loss will trigger the pain of other losses. So some of what you are feeling about this child is hitting you right where the pain of your own loss is stored. Does it feel like it's opening up that wound all over again?

I know that's what happens to me whenever I go through a grief experience, or even if I help a friend grieve. Please keep posting. ALL your feelings are OK. And please talk to people who will understand this. Hugs to you!

Emmy

[angel04]

It sounds like you're doing everything you can. I'm sorry this is happening. It's very sad. My prayers go out to everyone involved.
((((ww))))

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm sorry I failed you. I'm human, not perfect.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Jeepers! I can't see any failure in anything you did!! You said kind, sweet, supportive things in each and every line of your post!! How lucky wisewoman is to have a friend like you!!!

Emmy

[dexter]

I am hesitant to say that by being there for her you are doing everything you can because that makes it sound like a small thing, something not very important.

In fact being there for her and for her family as a very very powerful thing to do. It can be as important, sometimes more important, than the medical treatment that doctors can provide. I am speaking from personal experience from both sides of the fence. Having suffered through several life threatening illnesses, dealing with them with friends around gave me hope for the future and enabled me to get through the treatments. Those treatments would likely not have been as effective if I wasn't able to both have moments of relief with my friends and the ability to share my pain with my friends. My first illness was so difficult I lost my will to live, my friends literally saved my life. The doctors and medicines were necessary but I do not bellieve would have worked on their own.

I have had friends with illness in their family and I have thrown myself into the mix to be there for them and to be supportive. The time and stress were nothing compared to the reward I got out of helping a fellow human being. At one time I risked my job over that and it was a simple decision, the job was what gave me the ability to live (food, shelter, etc) but the connection to people was the reason to live... the point of being alive.

For your daughter, being there for her works as well. It is difficult to "explain" when you don't know the answers either. You can look for purpose, or lessons, many others here have given very good and valid suggestions. But ultimately I believe the human experience is found in asking these questions and looking for answers, not in the answers themselves. Our ability to pose such questions is what makes us human and distinguishes us from all other forms of life that we know of. Sentience is our unique gift and we have to accept the pain that it causes as well as the joy. I don't believe we are meant to hide from the pain, but to experience it, and to share that experience with others. It is normal and healthy for you to feel anger right now.... whatever you are feeling, it is a reminder that you are alive and that you are human, and the same goes for your daughter and for your friends and for their daughter. It sounds like their daughter has really embraced life and has fought for it. Life is not a matter of waiting for death, life is about living it to the best of your ability.

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is to continue what you are doing. Let her have her fears and express them and talk about them. I am glad you are allowing her to experience this rather than being overprotective... that is something I would believe would be harmful in the short run and in the long run. Allow her this at her own pace... like everything in life, it is not about being all strong or all weak... all success or all failure... it is about finding that proper balance.

In that regard I think it is also important to consider your own balance in this. There will likely be times where it is important to remain "strong" in this, for your friends and for your daughter... but I think it is a mistake to try to be strong all the time just for the sake of being so. Be there when your friends need you to be there, but don't hide your humanness all the time, I think it is more beneficial to allow them to share grief with you sometimes as well as to lean their grief on you at other times. For those times when you do feel you need to put on a stoic mask, be sure you have some avenue to release that pressure, such as posting here, joining a support group, or talking about it with other friends.

{{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}}

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[gloria]

I had a friend that died from throat cancer when I was 15 years old.
She was 14.
She fought the desease for about 5 years. She was such a happy person nobody would know she was fighting so hard.
The one thing I remember the most is her smile, her voice (kind of deep) and how strong she was. I don't remember much about her being sick.
The one thing I can tell you is, that the times when she got sick she would always tell everybody things such as "don't worry, I'll be back". But when the time came, she did tell her mom "this is it, I've been very happy" and indeed that was the last time she was sick.

It seemed like the illness was much harder on everybody else than her, and for what you are saying, this might be the case for you too.

My prayers are with you, your daughter, your friend and her family. All you can do is love her

gab

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

I can't think of much that others haven't already said. I read this last night, and thought how it must be bringing back your memories of the daughter you lost. These things are always sad, but I'm sure your support goes along way in helping your friends. If it gets overwhelming for you, take a break and take care of yourself though. You can help them more if you are ok and able to deal with your feelings. Take the time to play with your critters and love your children and hang on to the positive things in your life. Those are the things that will give you the strength to get through the trials. Hold onto the love.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[wisewoman]

thanks Rap, it needs to be digested and that is happening slowly. More tests, my kids are taking it very hard and I am home alone for a little bit. She did okay today with the tests in that they were not torture.

[wisewoman]

you did not fail me or anyone. You saw my pain raw and angry and I am sorry if you got hurt. Emily is right, you are a good friend.

[wisewoman]

thanks gloria, we are plugging away.

[wisewoman]

thanks mj, I am tired and am going to nap, no news today. Tried to find a therapist for my youngest today. Wish me luck on that one.

[wisewoman]

thanks fuzzy

[wisewoman]

I don't think it's about my grief right now. I think it's about everyone suffering so much and my lack of power to make it better. I wish I could take on the lymphoma, I wish her parents could just have a child they knew would be around for a while. I wish I could protect my kids from the pain. I wish I could protect her from it. It ain't fair!

[wisewoman]

thanks angel, prayers help.

[wisewoman]

He Dexter, thanks for understanding. You make me curious about your illnesses. I am doing what I can and no more. Ready for a nap. My girls are pawned off on frindes today so they wouldn't be alone. Both now taking it hard, as well as my son who lives out of state. When I leave the youngest and her friend alone they talk about life and death and meaning and protecting parents. Their relationship is extra special. Again, thanks. I don't know how to do this but the only way out is through.

[bptoo]

wisewoman,

This is so sad and I'm so sorry for all involved. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. If there's anything we can do to help, please let us know.

((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))

Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

[SeptemberMorn]

Thought I'd give you just a tiny bit more to go on about my response to Wise Woman. I had already answered her post where she thought I had cleverly avoided the issue of giving her my phone number. I also answered a PM pretty much the way I answered her on the board and she said she was in too much pain to think "pretty." That's what I meant when I said I failed her. We're not upset with each other anymore. I just hope you're not thinking I'm a royal ***** because I answered that way. LOL



<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WiseWoman}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You didn't hurt me. Really.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>