Building a Whole New Life

I'm discouraged by the human race overall.

Have Hope, I wish I could find some sensible and practical advice to give you. I can’t begin to imagine the painful emotions and feelings you are experiencing. We’re all unique, along with how we interpret and feel things, and I think that’s what makes it so hard to deal with the world. There’s no magic bullet solution.

It is interesting to read what you said about your theory of attracting toxic and abusive people. I know quite a few people who have said the same thing, and all of those same people are very kind, sensitive, caring and empathetic people. I think the problem is that abusers and toxic people take advantage of this. I’ve never understood why some people choose to be manipulators and abusers. There is so much more to be gained from making people happy, and contributing to their happiness.

There are good people out there - it seems many of them on these forums too. I just hope that some of them cross paths with you and make your life better.

Thank you @NovaBlaze.

I am 54 years old. I've been around the block. There are so many more toxic people in this world than I ever knew or realized.

This morning I was kicking myself for not walking away from my ex husband when I saw the first warning signs. I was in a desperate situation having been told suddenly to move out of my parents home. I moved in with my boyfriend after one month of dating. That boyfriend turned into my husband, who turned out to be an abusive narcissist.

I am a very caring, empathetic, sensitive, and kind hearted person. Toxic types are attracted to people like me and do take advantage of kind hearts.

Abusers model themselves after the abuse they experienced or witnessed as children. And narcissists are their own breed of abusers that are also shaped by their environment.

So, it's the environment they grew up in that determines who they become, just as mine does and yours does.

I saw warning signs in my then boyfriend and dismissed them because I was so desperate for a place to live. It was disastrous for me that my parents kicked me out of their home. They told me they were moving and that I had to move out. So a month later, I moved in with him.

What a vast mistake. I wish I had negotiated with my parents to give me more time to find a home. I wish I had paid attention to the warning signs that I witnessed.

Perhaps I would be in a far different place right now had I never moved in with my ex husband and married him. Perhaps my mental state would be better.

I do not have much hope that there are many good people left in this world - single people that is.

I may have to die alone and live out the rest of my days alone. I am just so disheartened by my experiences. I must have a sign on my forehead that says "if you're toxic or abusive, come to me!"

The title of my thread really should be "Building a Whole New Life.. Alone".

You have been through really awful times. In terms of looking back and reproaching yourself for not noticing signs earlier, or asking for more time from your parents - don’t beat yourself up over these decisions. You did what you did at the time because of the circumstances your were under. It’s all too easy to look back and think about what you should have done, but that’s being incredibly unfair on yourself. You have the benefit of hindsight now, but you didn’t at the time. Other people manipulated you and were incredibly cruel to you, sadly, including the set of people you should always be able to rely on - your parents.

I really feel for you, having gone through all of this. You’ve done incredibly well to survive it, and while you may not feel it, you are incredibly strong. I’m not sure I would have survived what you have. I guess what I am saying is please give yourself a whole ton credit.

You may be single, and you may have tough times ahead of you, but you are facing them on your own two feet. The people who abused you and deserted you should hang their head in shame.

Going forward, you now have the experience to be cautious and careful as to who you let into your life - that’s a positive. If you recognise that you have tendency to be taken advantage of, at least you have recognised this and you can take it into account.

I hope other people have told you how well you’ve done to get through all of this.

@NovaBlaze, you are very insightful and incredibly kind. Thank you so much for all your support and kindness. I appreciate it more than you even know. I have been treated so poorly by so many different people for so long, that when someone is kind to me, it makes me cry in gratitude.

And you're totally right. I cannot go back and change what's been done and I shouldn't beat myself up over the decisions I made back then. I didn't know much, or enough, about narcissism or narcissistic abuse at the time. Now I know better. And my parents kicking me out was not my doing or fault.. I had to leave and I had no choice. I could have chosen a different roommate, but I tried and couldn't get anyone that seemed suitable.

Not many people have told me what you have told me, about being strong to survive all that I have. I honestly feel like I've had to be a female warrior, with a suit of armor on, fighting battles, one after another, through blazing burning fires.... and mainly by myself. That's what it's been like - my whole life practically. And I am sick of all of it. I do feel much stronger as a result, but also very alone with it all, except for when I post on here and receive kind replies from kind people such as yourself.

I will try to give myself more credit, where credit is due. I do need to see how much I've gone through and how much I've conquered.

But now I am facing issues at my job, which I wrote about in the work and career forum - I am scared that I am in trouble at work with my boss and another colleague because I got super upset at work yesterday over a reoccurring issue that is impacting my success and my own work.

But that's on a whole separate thread about difficulties I face with my boss, so I won't detail it here too much right now.

I just pray it gets resolved and that I am not in trouble for getting very obviously upset yesterday.

Thank you...

I agree with what Nova said - to paraphrase Elton John You’re Still Standing. I think it’s important to take stock and give yourself credit for what you did do right, gathering your strength to get away and rebuild your life.

Sometimes, keep moving forward and trying is the best thing you can do, and remember, you are not to blame for any of this. Other people are.

It's not easy though, is it. I consider myself a work in progress these days. I doubt I will ever fully get to grips with my extreme health anxiety, for example, which has at times caused debilitating problems throughout my whole life. I know what a false beast it is, and yet, despite all of my knowledge, I know it will still defeat me at times, sometimes for minutes, sometimes hours, days, or weeks. However, I am learning more and more coping mechanisms, and I am trying. I won't give up.

@NovaBlaze, thanks my friend. I don't blame myself, luckily. We are all a work in progress - everyone one of us. I won't give up either - I will keep moving forward and trucking on.... onwards and upwards.

I had an amazing night! I kissed a man, a man that I used to hook up with, and I also met a new guy all in the same night!! LOL. The old lover, well that was random and probably won't happen again for a long time. It was purely circumstantial and random that I ran into him when he was alone and when I was alone at the concert. He invited me to sit in a darker corner with him, taking my hand and leading me away from the new guy I had just met. So I sat with him in the corner, and eventually, our lips met and we made out. Then I went back to where I had been standing before when I met the new guy. I wanted to stand and dance. We were at a band. So I talked to the new guy as well, and we ended up going up front and dancing. The old lover doesn't mind me doing my own thing. He does his own thing because he's a videographer of bands so he's constantly moving around the floor taking pictures. I don't think he knows I also had interest in the new man I had just met. I didn't make it obvious... but the whole eve was so much fun. I feel very empowered to do as I please - of course, as long as no one gets hurt. The old lover is not a commitment. We have no commitment to each other and haven't in well over a year. In fact, we never had an openly stated commitment, so there's that.

Good to hear you had a great night. It’s important to grab moments of happiness.

@NovaBlaze, thanks, and it sure is!!!

I am going to break my long-term period of celibacy. There's a guy I used to sleep with, over a year ago. We recently reconnected and have plans to see each other in the next couple of weeks. Last night, I thought I had feelings for him, so I had to reign myself in. I know I don't - I think I am just lonely and wanting affection and sex. It's been far too long... even though I did kiss someone else just recently and that was nice, but I want the real, whole thing: sex. I still don't want to date, but I want physical intimacy. This guy is fun but I don't think datable, so it's perfect.

Well, that guy has not followed up with me. I have a semi date tonight. It's much more so meeting up again with a new guy I met at a show.

Things have not been going well lately. I am feeling down.

A semi-date is better than no date at all, @Have Hope? It’s not the best time of year for things to be going badly. Hopefully you have a lovely time.

@NovaBlaze, true! I ended up bailing, however... it would have been close to an hour and a half drive one way just to see this band out of state. It was 20 degrees last night. By the time I was supposed to shower and get ready to leave, I found I couldn't do it.

The day before I had had a 13-hour work day. I was exhausted from it and didn't feel like driving long distance to and from to see a band I don't know very well.

So I lost the chance to meet up with this guy.

I’m having a really hard time - between work not going well, and being alone during the holidays, I’m struggling. I’m sad.

That’s understandable. It’s a tough time of year even if you’re in a good place. Such a lot of pressure and expectation to be happy and successful, when the reality for most people is very different.

Do you have family you will be connecting with over Christmas?

@NovaBlaze yes it is a very tough time of year for many people.. and once again, I feel I am facing too much in my life at this time of year to truly feel happy or joyful.

Being alone is very palpable right now, and I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, in addition to work crap going on.

This is the longest I've gone in my whole life without a relationship - almost one full year. I keep thinking about my ex husband, mainly because he was the last long-term relationship I had.

I am deeply struggling with all that's going on with my boss, and her boss, at work - I am feeling like they don't want me to shine or be successful in my role.

For example, I've been working for 3 months on developing an Executive Marketing Report to present to a team of marketing executives in charge of decision-making when it comes to the website experience.

Initially, me, my boss, and my boss's boss agreed to include the results of my work to demonstrate the direct and positive impact my work is having on website traffic and revenue.

Now, my boss's boss is talking about excluding all performance data - in one of our last conversations, he mentioned the possibility of only highlighting what will be important for the leadership team to focus on in the upcoming quarter.

I am trying to support the case for keeping the performance data to demonstrate that the work I do is valuable and impactful.

The reason being - the work I do in the company is largely unknown, unseen, not understood, and therefore, is not taken into consideration when leadership and other teams are making decisions about new web pages or campaigns on the website.

In my opinion, showcasing the results of my work will only help the leadership team to see its value. My goal is to have them see the value and therefore, see that it's important to incorporate it into website designs.

The only way I see to get this to work is to educate and inform leadership, and I don't understand WHY ALL performance data would NOT be included in this report to demonstrate the value of the work I do.

As a result, I am feeling like my boss and my boss's boss don't want me to shine in front of leadership - and that somehow, me and my work are being sabotaged and pushed out. Maybe I am paranoid, but this is what it feels like what is happening.

I also had to spend 13 hours with my marketing team the other day, and man, did I feel left out and all alone. I am the only one in the company doing the work that I do - and most of my team are in their 20's and 30's. I am 54. So I stick out like a sore thumb and felt really isolated and alone during an all day, all night conference with my team. I think I may suffer from ageism there - like secretly people look down on me because I'm older and apart from the rest of the team.

Yes, I will spend some time with family over Christmas, but otherwise, I am all alone dealing with this. And it's an awful, awful feeling. I just want to crawl under my covers and hide until after Valentines Day in February.

Sorry for the novel in response. I am just very despondent about work issues and relationships right now and am feeling it deeply.

Despite all of the above complaints and issues, today I woke up or developed a new outlook on life. I can only change myself. I can only control myself. Therefore, I am going to make some modifications with how I communicate at work - I am going to try a new avenue - rather than continuing to push and push my ideas forward, I will validate others' perspectives and will offer alternative viewpoints when making my point or trying to push my idea forward. I want to come across as collaborative and working with management vs against management. I cannot control anyone's decisions, but I can perhaps have some influence.

I also know how lucky I truly am - many are in worse positions than me this holiday season. I have a job, I have a good income, I have my own home, and I have good friends and family that love me. My former VP at another company is currently unemployed, so I know things could be far worse. And on top of that, I am not being abused and I am not in a dysfunctional relationship like I have been for many years of my life. So that's a huge positive, despite the downside of feeling alone and lonely during the holidays.

So I have much to be thankful for, and I realize this. I will problem solve the problems at work, and I will work to improve the way I communicate. I will work on changing my attitude and approach, and that's all I can do.

You do have a lot going on, @Have Hope, and your job is obviously quite intense. It sounds like you really analyse your day and your life situation in quite a lot of detail.

Do you find that you are unable to “switch off” from that level of intensity? I ask because I’m someone who over analyses everything, and it can get quite wearing and exhausting. I’ve got better at reducing this over the past few years, but having distractions helps. By distractions I mean things like reading, listening to music, getting involved in a hobby, or even stuff like going out to the theatre or the movies. All of this can be done on your own, it doesn’t require someone else to be there with you, but it can help bring a level of calm and perspective into life.

At work, I found myself in situations very similar to yours, and put myself under a tremendous amount of stress dealing with it all. Now, when I very occasionally look back on past problems, they seem so pointless and trivial. I can’t believe some of the stuff I used to get worked up over that seemed like a really big issue at the time, but when viewed with hindsight I just wish I’d switched off from it more and stopped worrying about it on my own time. That’s not to belittle what you, or I for that matter, experienced, it’s just I wish I could go back and talk to myself and say “just stop for a while, think about something else, or do something else, and go with the flow.” All the worrying and over analysing I did changed nothing - other than cause me a as lot of unnecessary suffering and angst. It was like trying to divert the flow of a river with a spoon. Does this make sense?

I read a great book that helped me to begin to transform my mindset this year, called “The Happiness Trap” by Russ Harris. Have you come across this book? If you haven’t, it might be worth a read.

It’s interesting reading the detail about what you’re going through, and how you’re dealing and processing it all. Life’s not easy for any of us, and we’re all in such different situations and circumstances.

Well, I do prob stress more than need be maybe. But when there’s a problem in my life, I feel I must solve it to overcome it and move forward. I’m all about problem solving.. and I think I’m getting somewhere today with my line of thinking. I do feel better today as a result. 😊

One day at a time, always the best way.

Thank you... yes, one day at a time. I also need to compartmentalize. I am carrying far too much at once - between carrying memories of my ex husband still haunting me and that whole relationship, the loss of my father two years ago and now it's the holidays again without him, all the work issues I face, and my non-existent love life, I am completely full. I think compartmentalization will be key for me going forward.

Sounds like a good plan, @Have Hope. I hope you find some moments of peace and happiness over the coming weeks.

Thank you, my friend. I will find a way.... I am determined to not get depressed and to fight my way through this.

I find joy in the little things, like how the sunlight hits my window sun catchers and spread magical sparkles all over the room with every sunrise., and adding cinnamon into my coffee each morning for flavor, and my adorable kitty cat snuggling with me in bed at night. It's the little joys that keep me going, and my determination to not let depression win.