Marriage and Love...normal progression?

I am in a place in my life where I' m questioning what is a marriage. I've vented in the PTSD area (my husband is a lesbian) but want to ask a more defined question. Is it normal for a marriage of 10 years not to have casual touching and love making?

Is this a normal progression as the US television show "Married with Children" demonstrates. The wife wants to make love and the husband complains about having done it last month. Every part works and we don't have arthritis or back pain so I'm wondering. (More details of my complex problem is in the other post.)

Am I expecting too much?

Should I be content with the positives parts of having him around?

Another part of me wonders do I have a room mate and not a husband.

I spoke to my husband on the phone just a short while ago. He wanted me to explain why I was upset and wanted us to see the therapist together. He was under the impression that our relationship was fine and that I just "dropped a bomb" on him.

I noted that I was feeling upset due to the lack of intimacy and due to the lack of intimacy caused my worry of the "other issue." He said sex isn't a priority for him apparently and I said but it was for me. I mentioned that I have been in need for so long and his lack of response that I was looking to purchase toys and cybering. (Yes it was a snipe.) He was angry with my snipe.

I explained that I wanted him and maybe we need to schedule it at least once a week. Oh, and apparently when he was in the mood, I was chatting on line so he didn't pursue me. ::rolls eyes::

He said that I need to get over the "other issue" and not factor them into my thoughts. He insist that I need to move on and not worry about him being a woman. He doesn't' want this topic to be brought up time and time again in our relationship. He explained that if I can't get over it then we have to reassess our relationship. I agreed and told him I will be willing to see the therapist when he finally gets the appointment.

Sheesh what a soap opera!

I can feel a lot of frustration in your posts. That's a really tough situation. No, I don't think that "Married with Children" shows a normal progression of a marriage relationship, but I think that when you are in that situation, it seems like it's probably universal, either that or it seems like you are all alone, maybe alternating from one end to the other. If you and your husband love each other, then this is definitely something you guys need to talk out, and work out some compromise that both of you can live with. Sometimes one or the other partner just gives in all the time, and that isn't fair, and it leads to resentment and hard feelings.

I'm glad that he wants to talk about your issues together. Sometimes talking about it with a therapist might be best, so that you both for sure get a chance to be heard and understood. It sounds like he cares about you. I have one concern though. Did he read your post here, or did you tell him about how you felt? Your second post just hints of censorship, or being told what to say. That's another problem by itself. It does sound like you mean a lot to him though.

I just wanted you to know that I don't think it is just a "typical thing" for one of a couple to want sex and the other hardly ever to, and I think it is something you should work on, but I do think that most couples have some difference they need to work out in this area, and I know that you are not alone either - there are others who are in situations like that.

How long have you known that he was a woman? That's quite a shocker, isn't it! I don't know what to say about that one, but I can see how it could tie in to the other problem.

Best to you!

Thank you for your post. I appreciate your thoughts I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment. No, my husband doesn't know I post here. He came out to me over a year ago telling me he was a woman and he wanted to go through a sex change. He said our marriage was based on a lie because he was a woman before we were married. (in his mind never his body) He's was serious about going through with it he said even explaining the process and research.

Later after about four months or less of therapy he said he was wrong about being a woman and that he's suffering from PTSD because he had a rough childhood.

He's asked me "get over it" (the words about him being a woman) before and I stopped talking about it but the lack of intimacy brought those thoughts up again. He is upset with me that I can't seem to "get over it."

i replied to your other post again

Angela

Thanks for the clarification there. So he has resolved at least that he isn't actually a woman and doesn't want to go through with that anymore, but he is a trauma survivor, and probably still has a lot to work on with that. I don't see how you can just "get over" a shock like that. It is natural to have strong feelings about it. A lot of times when someone close to you has serious difficulties, you as a support person could benefit from therapy also to help you deal with your reactions to their problem. I would recommend that you find someone (probably a therapist) who can help you work out your feelings about this issue, since it does impact you even though he says he was wrong about it and doesn't want it to affect your relationship anymore. Maybe he doesn't feel like discussing it, but your feelings are still there and they are real and they will have an impact, no matter how hard you might try not to let them. I can definitely understand being overwhelmed about this! Anyone would be.

This is a huge issue, it is for him, and he is wrong if he thinks it shouldn't be as big an issue for you. You are NOT a lesbian (I assume) and if this is something he has to do it IS going to change your relationship. You may still love him for the person that he is but face it, marriage is more than just love, there is a physical aspect as well, and he can't expect to make such a dramatic change and have you just follow along. I hope he understands that.

Even if he thinks otherwise now, he obviously still has issues, whether he is still considering that possibility or if he is truly past it and dealing with PTSD problems. Those are real issues that will effect your marriage too.

Given that you don't really know what is behind his current behavior I don't think it is strange at all for you to be questioning the "lesbian" issue. I think the point is that something is wrong, and you have to question why, and since that is the only thing on the table it is natural to question that.

Doing therapy together is a great idea. If there is a solution to this I think the answer would be there, and with his own private therapy. When his issues and your issues together are on the mend and you both understand them then I think you can begin to "put it behind you". I think the point is that you can't put the "lesbian" thing behind you, you have to put the whole package behind you. And that is possible. If it is something that you just can't get past for whatever reason then that is a question you will have to face together... but you have to understand and try first before considering that.

Good luck.

Crushed:

I don't believe it's normal progression of a marriage. My husband and I have been married for 10 years (last July) and things are better now than ever in our whole 13 year relationship. I think that it's a big issue what he's told you about being a woman and he recanted and that might have been anything from the real truth to a call for attention, whatever.

I see alot of frustration in your posts, as well, and justifiably so! Maybe the lack of intimacy has to do with the issues from childhood that have brought on the PTSD. I know I had some things happen in childhood that make it hard for me sometimes when they come up. Therapy would definitely be a wise choice at this point. I think it would help both parties, especially being able to get everything out with a mediator there. Just don't hold back. Your feelings on things are just as important as his feelings on thing and the fact that he told you all of this leads me to believe he's confident in your relationship and maybe you should feel the same confidence to open up and tell him that this is going to change everything about your relationship. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes way more than love to keep a marriage together. You know ?

Well I hope everything works out for you and please keep us posted. Wishing you nothing but the best !!!

Take Care.
Kimberly

Thank you everyone for your replies. We have been going to therapy together and alone. I would go about every other month with his therapist and we would discuss our relationship.

I am upset about our lack of intimacy. Sex has never been outstanding but it's the resentment I feel when I ask him to have sex or I start kissing him (other than a peck) and him not responding back. I'm the agressor and he doesn't get "turned on" or tease/flirt me about sex since he came out. Before it was rare but it did happen. If I ask him for a back rub (and I'll do one for him in return) he rolls his eyes in annoyance.

He wants me not to think he is a woman but the lack of intimacy, especially this last year and a half has declined faster. Thinking about it, he was this way about a year or so before he "came out." After a while, I don't bother to ask or try to turn him on. I keep getting shot down.

I've told him about my feelings about intimacy and he said that sex isnt' important to him. This weekend he did grab me once and hold me. I'm guessing that's his way of showing intimacy based on our discussion. I said that I like that he touched me and held me. He talks to me all cheery as if nothing is wrong.

I'll be going to the therapist with him on Thursday. I will bring this up in detail hoping to figure something out for both of us. I wonder if I am asking too much out of the relationship. I did take the vow "for better or for worse" and I meant it and I know that if I am not giving it my all in a postive manner, than I'm not helping him through his troubles.

I mean, I can have a comfortable life financially with him and we do get along except for the lack of sex and intimacy.