needing to be needed.

is it possible to need to be needed by people?
like, if someone is having issues,id spend all my energy on them, and then when they get better i feel abandoned, and idk. i dont want any of my friends to stay stuck in a rut. but i dont know how to stop feeling like im unwanted and uneeded after peoples lives get better some. i cant just sit around and enjoy my teenage life, i have to get out and help eveyrone out and do it to the best of my ability. or im useless and pathetic and horrible. i cant cope with not being able to help. but if there is noone who im friends with who needs it, yes im happy for them, but i miss being needed.
its especially bad when someonegets better because of someone else... an i just feel like. well i ducked that up. they wont wanna no me anymore because ive done all that needs doing and they have (insert person here)
dont even know wether this makes sense to anyone. but im sick of it. i want to be able to accept that its ok to enjoy my life and live for me, rather than tryingto fix everything. and if i cant or if it gets fixed, i feel abandoned and useless.
anyone get it?

I wish I knew enough people that needed my help-what little I can give being sick myself. It really hurts my feelings when I try to be helpful&am rebuffed. I think that everyone feels the need to be needed sometimes. Just try to make sure that you're taking care of yourself first. You can't be truly helpful if you're not doing well yourself. Don't let yourself be used by people either. Sometimes people will dump on you&never return the favor. That's not OK. I know what you mean by feeling abandoned. I've been there for several people that I used to call friends&when I needed some help, they never reciprocated or said something hurtful when I sought their help or shoulder to cry on. Try to learn to take care of yourself-you may be the only person who will help you. Unfortunately that's the way many people are-especially those who aren't mentally ill. They take your help readily&never reciprocate or avoid you completely. It hurts! You're not alone!

im starting to look after myself now actually. before i didnt. i didnt do as well in my exams as a result.
but ever since starting to take care of myself, and not letting the load get on top of me, i feel REALLY guilty. like i should be focussing on someone else. even if there isnt anyone else.
i partially blame my issues with socialising really. ive never been what you would call great at making friends. in fact i moved schools because the entirety of the previous one hated my guts. i dont know why.
but ugh. why cant i just get on with people and not assume that as soon as i stop giving my whole life to their getting better they will kick off and say baibai.
iono

My Young gifted ,,,, and so Beautiful Friend .

My Young gifted ,,,, there to the end .

My Young gifted ,,,, always with an ear .

My Young gifted ,,,, who's often so near .

Would you equate these words and feelings as a person that would ever feel abandoned ,,,, or useless ??

This My Young ,,, and Oh So Gifted Friend ,,,,,,, Is Truly How I feel ,,, and Who YOU ARE !!!!.

Corky xoxox .... {{{{{{{{~~~ SELFY ~~~}}}}}}}}.

((((((((((( selfy )))))))))))))))

There are a couple of things that strike me about your post. One is that for some reason you equate someone needing your help to fix things as defining your worth both to whoever it is looking for help and how you look at yourself.

Do you feel that no one in your life defines your worth beyond what help you can give to them? Do folks in your life actually treat you in that way? Do you look at yourself as being worthless if you can not jump in and save someone?

Your worth as a human being goes far beyond what you can do for another. Do you have friends/family in your life that enjoy your company because of your big heart, your great sense of humor, your intelligence, your peacefulness, and the list can go on and on.

There is also the thought that you may be hiding behind the help you want to give others, consistently giving yourself away, never saving enough of you for you. Are you possibly hiding behind your need to help others so that you don't have to face your own needs and fixing things that you deem are issues with yourself?

I think you will find answers to this problem when you take some time to do some introspective work on you. Find out what makes you tick and what you need to help yourself with When you have been able to help yourself, you can then continue to help others. When you figure out that your worth should not be measured by what you can do for others, you will feel better.

If others in your life truly do measure your worth by what you can do for them, then maybe it's time to think about whether they are taking advantage of you and if you wish to find another group of folks to associate with, ones who value you for who you are inside and not what you can do or fix for them.


sabby

I'm glad to hear that you're trying to take better care of yourself. I'm still learning myself. I totally relate to the being socialized to never think about yourself&feeling that EVERYONE hates you. I still don't do well with the EVERYONE HATES ME thing. I don't have many friends&the ones that I'm closest to don't even live in the same state as me. I have one friend here in the Portland area that I e-mail to on a pretty much daily basis, but we don't see each other face to face very often. She has mental problems too-though they're different from mine. I'll have to check in more often on this web site-I didn't think anyone was reading my posts to the forums. I found out today that 2 moderators replied to me& I tried to reply but couldn't figure out how to do it.

In my life, I'm the "fixer". I fix everyone. That's what I do. Alcoholic? I'll help you stop you drinking. Lonely? I make sure you're ok. And on and on. I enjoy helping others. It's something I know I'm good at. I think that's why I was so offended and felt abandoned when my didn't want me around to help with her aunt's cancer. However, the above comment made me stop in my tracks. That's me. When I'm helping others, I don't have to concentrate on my depression. I can focus on helping others and then, what do you know? No time left for me. So you are definately not alone in feeling like if you aren't fixing things for others then you're abandomed and whatnot.

Selfy,

You are an amazing person! one of the best one can meet.
I can't talk about school and how you were treated, because that was my past also.
I understand.

You have helped me with that anxiety attack I had when my friend was in the e.r. for slicing open his finger, remember?
You taught me so much that day about how grounding techniques really do work when we utilize them. You also took me to support to be away from the crowd that day.
I haven't forgotten that! You are one of my heros.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About being needed, you might find a book by Melody Beattie helpful.
She writes 'Co-Dependent No More' and 'Beyond Co-dependency' about caretakers who become co-dependent of others, and really have a need to feel needed by another specific person, or others in general.

If you read the information, you might see info for yourself you can use or you might not. But you will know what to do, or how to overcome codependency IF it is a problem for you.

Almost everything is good in balance, right?

I used to run CODA groups, lol, so I know a little about it from my own experience.
I could not say 'no' and other things, but the bottom line I featured was that I became a little bit resentful that the others I cared about didn't do anything for me like I did for them.

No birthday cards and presents, no baby-sitting, no money help, no favors, no helping out in problems, no kindness to my child, the list goes on ... while I did all those things for them. See what I mean?

Anyway, there are different paths to care-taking, and assisting others. Some paths require the desire to help others especially.

When we question the intention, or the outcome, of what our actions bring, we gain insights for ourself. Just some thoughts.

Peace and Gratitude Always,
Night

((((((((selfy))))))))

i hope you don't take offense if i put in my tuppence worth here?

you know i think you're the coolest kid on the planet and you really rock right?

but when it comes to needing to be needed...i think if you fully realize and value your own self-worth...you can be happy in your own company and not need to be needed to feel worthy or loved.

hope you haven't taken offense at my voicing my opinion?

There's that Barbra Steisand song:

People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world

Selfy,
You are a such a caring and sincere person. We all love and respect you for the support you have given to us.
If you are feeling used by others, maybe its time to start putting some of the effort you put into helping people into you. You have needs and goals, too!
The more self esteem and confidence you have within yourself, the more you can give to others.



.

I think there's a difference between liking to help people and feeling like you have to help people in order to have any self worth. The latter is not healthy. I'd encourage you to maybe step back a bit and think about what you want out of life for yourself, and how to go about getting it. Maybe it means meeting more people, which can be hard, but if you're still in school there are lots of clubs and societies that you can join, or you could try volunteering someplace. That way you'd still be helping people, but also meeting new people, and hopefully building up some self esteeem along the way.

There's nothing wrong with caring about other people - that makes you a special person, but you can't let yourself get sucked into taking care of other people at the expense of looking after your own needs.

Remember to take care of yourself too.

---splitimage

thankyou guys muchly. its nice to see people care without me having to try and sort everyones life out. i dont think the people i like expect it as such, but i think i should. i think i see suc a supportive group here and i feel slightly guilty for perhaps doing quite well, and not doing every single thing i can to help others who are having issues. iono.

thanks corky and rozzy. u guys are the greatest. and i appreciate your input. i appreciate everyones.

tis also nice to know people get it. i couldnt explain it to other people i know because they wouldnt.

i shall work on things. ill get there eventually. because i hate feeling guilty for not devoting my life to other people. but deep down i do know i have to look after myself too.