Narcissist test

Note: I posted this same thread from my phone on tapatalk and I think it went to the wrong subgroup. If you've already seen it there, forgive me. Couldn't figure out how to move it here.


I found this test to see if your partner is a narcissist

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-50-ways-tell

and my husband passed with flying colors. I've really never understood what it meant to be a narcissist and mostly blamed myself for being too needy and overly sensitive.

So, if his behavior for the past 28 years has a name, does that really change anything? It's not really like there is anything I can do to change anything. I know. Boundaries. I'm working on that.

Does it dismiss his behavior because it has a name now and it's not like he can help it? He will never see it as something and own it.

Thoughts.

I hope I didn't say anything wrong here. It was actually a feeling of freedom. It was a realization that I don't actually feel as screwed up as I have felt.

Forgive me if I posted it said anything offensive or wrong.

Hi.

You didn't say anything wrong or offensive at all.I was going to reply when I read your post but it really got me thinking about things and about my own husband and I wasn't sure what to say.

I have been doing alot of reading about narcissism and gaslighting lately,trying to figure out exactly what it is with my husband and why he is the way he is.But I think I am trying to make him fit into something and trying to diagnose him myself,I guess my thinking is if I know what it is then somehow I can change him or fix him,and somehow get rid of the problems we have in our marriage.

Some of the things on the checklist definitely fit him but some also fit me too,and I think just about everyone could check off some of them or even quite a few of them at some time or another,depending on different situations or factors.If I had been mad at him when I saw the list I would have checked every single one of them for him.

Some questions,like "does your partner lie?"..well,everyone lies at one time or another,and "does your partner lack empathy?",that's something I just said to him recently.But I suppose a true narcissist would be the same all the time,the same patterns and behavior,not just depending on how I perceive him.

I honestly don't know how much is really my husband and how much is my own ****,because of my own issues.

Sorry,this probably doesn't even have anything to do with what you're saying.I guess I'm just thinking out loud here.

I was seriously considering leaving my husband,was finding so many faults with him,focusing on every little flaw.But,the truth is he has his own issues,has his own demons,has his own childhood abuse,both sexual and physical that he has never worked through or even faced.And I am seeing that many things that have really bothered me,things we have argued over,are ways that he copes,and I think many are defense mechanisms.

You said "Does it dismiss his behavior because it has a name now and it's not like he can help it? He will never see it as something and own it".That really made me stop and think.My husband doesn't think his past has any bearing on his behaviors now,he doesn't even consider some things he went through as abuse and just says he deserved it when it was clearly abuse and the physical scars are still there.

I guess all this rambling just means that although I can check things off on the list for him,it doesn't mean it's a correct label for me to put on him.And maybe I need to focus on myself and my own issues instead of trying to change him.I can't force him to change,just the same as he could never and can never change me.I was the one that decided to go to therapy and work on myself and maybe some day he will too.But until or if he ever does,all I can do is decide for myself whether I can tolerate it or not,whether to stay or leave.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying or if it even makes sense.But thank you for posting because it has really got me thinking.

I'm sorry if your husband is always like that.And I understand that feeling of freedom because that's how I felt when I was reading about gaslighting.Now that I know what it is I can try to not get caught up in it,and I bought 2 books to try to help myself with it.

I have been married longer than you and I feel it's too many years to just throw away right now.And I feel like if I keep working on myself I will eventually figure out what's best for me.

Thinking more about this...

"When something goes wrong, does your partner blame everyone but himself or herself?".Is it fair or correct if I answer yes to that because he does do that?Is it because he's a narcissist or is it because maybe as a child he did that to prevent his mother from beating him?Could it be an automatic defense thing he does without even realizing he does?

So many of the questions could be a definite yes about him,but without being a professional,maybe it's not fair for me to judge him at all,maybe what seems to be narcissim and gaslighting to me are more about what he experiences internally,the way he reacts due to his own issues.

I know some people seem to think that abuse in childhood automatically means a dissociative disorder or even DID but that's just not true.My husband was abused but does not have a dissociative disorder,does not have DID,his way of coping was obviously different than mine.Maybe all the things that I get upset about,that we argue about,are how he copes.Like blaming everyone else.



Sorry if I have gone off topic,I don't think I have though.The checklist just opened a whole new train of thought for me and has me questioning my entire perception of my husband now.And on further reflection I may end up feeling compassion for him instead of this anger for the things he does.So thank you for posting.

I am sorry if it seems I have hijacked this thread.I do feel the need to ramble though....

One thing I do know for sure though is when I have been triggered and having PTSD symptoms,in my mind my husband IS a narcissist and an abuser and a complete douche bag and I hate him and everything about him.He no longer is that loving,caring,kind man that I so dearly love and becomes someone I feel so unsafe around and don't want to be married to and feel like I would rather be dead than have to continue living one more minute with him.He is everything from my past rolled into one,he is a



Of course none of those things are real or true about him.It's all just in my mind.Those are only what I think of him when PTSD is in the picture,other times I am pretty happy and content with him.

And that's why I said I don't know how much is really my husband and how much is my own ****.

...I think I'm finished rambling now.....

trailrunner you didnt say anything wrong. Im sorry if it took a while before you got any replies... me, I just thought you might have posted this thread in the wrong place so I didnt even open it to read it. your title is Narcissist test so I thought the thread might end up getting moved to the personality forum for where narcissistic personality disorder posts can be found. I wonder if you would get more replies to your thread if it was moved to there?

my own parents and spouse are not narcissistic personality disordered and that disorder isnt why my abusers abused me creating dissociative disorders in me.

In the last ten years or so my ex was unofficially(?) diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder... the psychologist said he had it... he never bothered to do any follow up so I doubt it's official. It's still a perfect fit for him, from being so freakin perfect from the get go to turning into a full blown psycho on you who makes you question the validity of your every thought. He never has even tried to change or become something like a decent human being. I still have tons of hostility towards the man to this day and he and I have been divorced since... I dunno... 2002 maybe? I wasn't even the version of me who had to live with him and I hate him. Heh.

Hm... rant aside...

I'm not sure if my current spouse is a narcissist or not. I'm kinda in the same boat as CrispApple... is it his issues or mine? I have no clue. It's really hard for me to pick all that apart and yeah.

But back to the questions... does having narcissistic personality disorder dismiss crappy behavior? I don't think so. Though I would say that if someone is working on their issues, some slack/patience/tolerance should be extended... but if someone is making zero effort to be a better person despite what they have going on, then no. Having a personality disorder, I think, is not a free pass to act like a jerk and hurt people around you. I'm not entirely convinced that people who have this can change or work to become better people. I know that's based on my ex and my mom as well, but it's just the people I know who have been this way do not change and never see a reason to. I would love to be proven wrong on this.

I also understand the sense of freedom that comes with this kinda stuff. When that psychologist was talking about his dx stuff, it gave 'me' a decent amount of validation... that it wasn't me just being a paranoid lunatic when he and I were together... that he was actually pulling the stunts I said he was that he denied and called me crazy and wrong for. Yeah, validation. It was a good thing.

-V

Thank you so much for your replies! I couldn’t wait to sit down and really read them. They were coming up as I was working.

There are so many things that you said, that are also true for me. I don’t know how to multi quote, so if it’s ok, I’d like to ramble too.

I guess this came to me from my attempt to figure out what could be going on with my husband. I guess I am looking for some answer that would make sense of his behavior and responses to situations and everyday things, also just his lack of empathy and compassion. I’ve been dealing with some pretty hard things and being around him semi triggers me, because I don’t ever know what is about to happen.

Basically, he is the same, behavior and pattern wise. If he’s angry or drinking, it’s much more intense and triggers me more. He has starting being able to “see” it (me being triggered) and he gets mad at me for that. He tells me, “That’s not MY fault!”

There is verbal and emotional abuse. There is also compassion for him, from me. It just feels like if I had an answer to “why?” it would be different. ? Maybe if he had a label for it, then I could analyze it and figure it out.

I don’t want to focus on what’s wrong with him. I’m just working on some tough stuff and he seems to take offense to it. He’s tired of me not being “ok” and from what I am perceiving from that is, that it is a downer to him. I’ve shared some things with him and he doesn’t understand why I can’t just get over it. He doesn’t understand and I can’t explain it to him without him somehow thinking that he’s to blame in some way. Maybe the anger is a defense mechanism for him because he doesn’t understand.

I want to be able to see it for what it is, and learn to deal with it without it triggering me. I hope that at some point that is possible.

He has shared some things from his childhood that were traumatizing to him. I try to remember those in times that he erupts and try to figure out if that has some connection. Usually that happens after I’ve brought myself back.

I wonder, if it’s the way you are genetically made up, or is it (like dissociation) created (don’t know if that’s the right word) in response to trauma, abuse or neglect. I haven’t read enough about it to understand.

He can be kind and caring, and he can show concern and a desire to want to understand, all without empathy or compassion. That is how it feels. It makes me feel kind of like a lab rat being studied. It almost feels manipulative. It feels like he’s doing it to get something out of it.

He reminds me very much of my dad, who I was very afraid of. When I am not in a good place, there is so much anxiety and fear. My husband has never physically hurt me, although threatened, so there is really no grounds to feel that fear and anxiety.

It feels like I’m married to the biggest trigger in my life. There is this sinking feeling that he doesn’t understand and doesn’t care to.

I’m so happy for you, that you have the good times when you are content and happy! I so hope that that comes for me too.

I know that I’m a screwed up mess right now, and he has his issues. I just so want to work through them. I’m so afraid that I won’t be able to work through mine if I’m always on alert mode when I’m around him.

I’m sure someone reading this would say for me to leave. I can’t picture me doing that. Like you, it’s too many years together to just throw away. There is hope somewhere inside. I feel it, but I can’t see it. Maybe it’s compassion that I’m hanging onto hope with.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

Thank you. I wondered if I posted it in the wrong place, but I decided to leave it here because it has such a strong effect on my dissociation.

I'm afraid I was a different person when we got married too. Quite literally. I just want to learn how to stay grounded when I'm around him. Maybe I could deal with it better.

Validating it with a name somehow gives me courage. Don't know if that's the right word or not. Something like that.

Please forgive me and please understand.

I originally posted this in the Dissociative Disorders forum. I've really only posted topics and threads there, because I feel that I know people there and I felt a safety in what I posted. Maybe it was titled wrong. I don't know or understand. What I posted about was triggering my dissociation and I wanted to open up and ask if anyone else had experience with it. Maybe I worded it wrong, if I did, I apologize.

Please understand, that moving it to another group or location is very disturbing to me. It feels like I am in a group of people that I do not know and who do not know me. It is triggering me greatly.

Could someone please explain in a simple easy to understand way, why my thread was moved?

I mean no disrespect. I'm not angry. I just want to understand why. I feel very small and scared.

Please. Moderator. Person in charge. Please delete this thread. Please.

[QUOTE=TrailRunner14;5529063]Note: I posted this same thread from my phone on tapatalk and I think it went to the wrong subgroup. If you've already seen it there, forgive me. Couldn't figure out how to move it here.


I found this test to see if your partner is a narcissist

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...e-50-ways-tell
Hi there. Thank you so much for posting this link. I have a 29 year old son who is a narcissist and with whom i have had to stop all contact with. It is to me the one of the worst types of mental illness a person can have. I don't even know who my son is anymore, but he has turned into pure evil which has really broken my heart. I pray for him every night.

Hi TR, sorry for taking so long to respond to this thread. I've some experience with living with a narcissist - my mother was one. Definitely a difficult person and situation to live in and around.

I can empathize.

For me, the answer is yes and no. If you can internalize the idea that what he has is a medical condition, then you can perhaps re-frame the idea that you are being too needy and overly sensitive. It is not that you are too needy and sensitive, it is that you are in a twenty-eight year emotional drought. That, for me, was liberating and validating. In that way, everything changed for me.

What it did not change for me was whether or not it was acceptable behavior that I found myself living with. Mom's behavior was still unacceptable and I needed to establish boundaries to keep myself safe (which for me eventually consisted of going no contact). Another thing that didn't change after my discovery was that she didn't become better at meeting my needs.

Back to the 'yes' it changes things for a second - I realized that have expectations of my mother meeting my needs had to change and I was going to have to get emotional support and my emotional needs met elsewhere. Understanding this kept me from having to continue beating my head against the wall trying to get the impossible from someone incapable of giving.

There is a lot you can change - just not in him. You can change your relationship with yourself, learn to rely on yourself when possible and making and relying on supportive friends when it is not. We've already talked about it and I'll repeat it now in case you could use some more encouragement - my PM box is ALWAYS open to you.

No, it doesn't dismiss his behavior. Nor does it dismiss yours. What I mean by that is this: If you know someone is closed off to you emotionally and will not support you - then choosing to go to that person to get your emotional needs met is not only an exercise in futility but setting yourself up to be hurt. That is the part that you can change about your behavior. It's like trying to text someone on a land line.

<-- if okay.

That's why I stopped replying,because I felt uncomfortable in doing so once I realized it had been moved.I didn't notice at first because I was clicking to view all my own posts and didn't pay attention where it was actually at.

I think the fact that it was triggering you into dissociation was overlooked and why it was moved.I could be wrong though.

I can so relate to this. I have found that in order to keep myself feeling safe, I need to pay very close attention to how I word things so that someone doesn't move my thread. When they do, I go into the edit feature and delete it myself. I realize that this is not always possible - my ability to edit sometimes gets timed out - but I try.

I'm so very sorry it is triggering to you - it has the same effect on me when it happens to me.

What I have been told in the past that they believed that my thread would get more responses in the 'appropriate' forum. I've heard other reasons too - but this is the most common reason I've been given. The issue of quality (for me) over quality wasn't taken into consideration.

Thank you friend.

I feel quiet for a while.