Not handling the blame well...

Hi I'm new here. I dont really consider myself a "caregiver" as my husband is quite capable of taking care of himself in the traditional sense. But I am the spouse of a depressed mate.

We have been dealing with this for the past 18 years. Therapy, meds, problems galore. He however, has had depression and social issues since his pre-teen years.

Most recently my husband has come to the conclusion that he doesn't need medication anymore. And ony periodic therapy to "touch base". He has also decided that I am the source of all of his problems. Including his alienation from his dysfunctional/alcoholic family.

From years of counseling, both individual and couples, I have learned the basis of detaching. I have learned about boundaries. I have learned to not be co-dependant. Yadda yadda yadda.

What I am having emense trouble with is the latest blame game that is going on. It is hurting me so deeply. I actually feel betrayed.

Has anyone else found a way around this? How do you cope when they project the blame? I know what he is saying is untrue. But it is affecting me so severely all Im doing is crying lately. I feel like my life is completely out of control.

When I expressed this to my counselor he was of no help. He said "you know what to do with this"...in other words, detach and put in perspective. But this time it is so difficult. I think it is because I know I have been the only constant in his adult life. His friend, lover, support, confidant, helper. I feel so betrayed.

The counselor also reminded me that this is very controlling nature on his part. That he is putting us back into an "adolescent/parent" dynamic. He explained it that my husband is acting like an adolescent teen who wants independence yet at the same time resents their intrinsic need for the parent (me). Thus projecting blame to ease his need to take responsibility for his behaviors.

Even with this understanding, I am feeling so lost in this. My frustration level is growing to levels that I am myself lashing out in anger. The counselor of course reminded me how this is non productive and doesn't ge tthe results I desire. Which of course I know, but at the same time doing nothing makes me feel like such a doormat.

Sigh.

Why is this getting to me like this?

It is always easier to cast blame on someone close. And it does hurt when you have been there for someone and they turn around and blame you for all their problems. I hope you are getting the support you need now. I think it is getting to you because you feel betrayed. It takes a really strong person to proceed with your T's advise and I hope you can do it!

It's getting to you like that because Cyberdyne Systems hasn't installed your new brain CPU yet.

You're human. Knowing something and feeling something are like the Hatfields and the McCoys - they live in the same county, but they don't really get along very well.

Yeah, I know - dumb analogy. It's the best I could come up with on short notice. I could explain much better with hand puppets.

I sympathize with you. Myself, I'm a trusting, somewhat self-doubting, benefit-of-the-doubt guy, and when my wife declares that I've done something wrong, my first emotional reaction is "Well... did I do something wrong?", even if I know I'm blameless. Detaching is great in theory, but agonizingly difficult in practice. Silently repeating affirmations - such as telling yourself that, yes, you really are a good and decent person and no, you're not the cause of your spouse's depression - can easily be drowned out by a spouse's angry, irrational accusations of blame.

There's no simple answer, no magic pill, to fix this. Instead, then, I'll indulge in a little wish fulfillment. I'll just say to you what your husband's - and my wife's - depression won't allow them to say, but dammit, I hope some day they will:

"You're a good person. This isn't your fault. It never was. This whole damn thing has been unfair and cruel to you. And I'm so very, very sorry."

I am also a "caregiver" in the sense I handle everything so I can relate.

I also understand what it's like when your spouse acts like a child and you're put in the constant adult role. Well, no advice from me. Just empathy.

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[b][i]gordian_knot said:

"You're a good person. This isn't your fault. It never was. This whole damn thing has been unfair and cruel to you. And I'm so very, very sorry."

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Damn, I would love to hear that from my H's mouth. Even just part of it.

{{{mckell}}}

My H is very good about reminding me we're a "team" and work together and are "on the same side". I love it. I think even if he gets severely mentally ill so he can't remember, depressed, senile, or alzheimer's, etc. I will be able to remind myself and keep feeling supported, he's supported me so long, so well.

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gordian_knot said:
It's getting to you like that because Cyberdyne Systems hasn't installed your new brain CPU yet.

You're human. Knowing something and feeling something are like the Hatfields and the McCoys - they live in the same county, but they don't really get along very well.

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That's exactly where I am with this exact same issue. I am in the exact same boat and can relate well.

Detaching and the yada yada yada makes complete sense intellectually, but it's a lot harder to implement emotionally.

I'm sorry that your husband is continuing to blame and lash out at you. I know exactly how it feels, because it happens to me to.

You have 100% of my support - I know that it isn't easy. In my case, the good side of my husband makes it all worth it -- I hope that's true for you as well

I'm am right there with you. Unfortunately my partner has not been diagnosed yet with BP. He recently went into a manic episode where a part of his mixed up thinking has been that I am a huge liar and slut. I am neither, I don't have the time, patience or creativity for either. His behaviour got so erratic and frightening that for my and my children's safety I had to get an order of protection against him (a temporary restraining order basically) which he has officially broken once and twice more that would not count in a court of law.
He hates me so much right now and that hurts a lot. I have a lot of people telling me to forget him and move on with my life. I love this man and hate what he's done to himself and us. I can seperate the love I have enough to recognize that he needs to be a part from me and his kids at this time but there will always be a background of concern and caring for him.
It's incredibly hard dealing with all this and kids and work (which I can't go to because I have no one for the kids) AND him hating me so much. If he only recognized he had a problem and got some help he would probably soon realize that I am not doing any of this to hurt him. He'd also realize that no matter what, even if we are not together, I will always love him. It's hard loving someone like this but all you can do is just keep telling yourself that your husband is sick. Have as much faith in yourself as you can muster that he doesn't realize what he's saying. I try to equate it to a child telling their parent that they hate them. This disease could take over completely if I wasn't there working so hard against it. It's not him that hates me, it is the disease and the disease is trying hard to hurt me. Unfortunately added to this I still have to hold him responsible for what his disease is doing but believe in yourself. It's hard but keep being a good person and then you'll know that what he says is untrue.

Partners of those w/mi are definitely caregivers in the truest sense... b/c whether you want to or not, you are constantly having to help regulate the behaviors/emotions of your loved one.

i'm the daughter of 2 people w/spmi and it was a hard road for me growing up... checking your dad to make sure that even though he has peed his pants , that he's not actually dead... checking your mom when she's locked in the bathroom threatening to blow up the trailer park making sure that she's not actually going to kill everyone within a mile radius... etc

don't downplay your burden... not burden in a bad sense...but burden none the less... maybe responsibility is a better word... or role...

in any case... best of luck... sending huge hugs, 18 years... you must be pretty solid to have done so well as a couple to last that long...
to the last poster... i'm sorry you are going throgh this... good luck with it, you are right for making sure you and your children are safe... that is the best thing you can do fo r everyone right now b/c if he hurts someone, he will NOT get help in prison, i can almost promise that...