[Greenleaves]

What would you do if you had a borderline personality?

I'm tired of how people think I'm a bad person. Someone here called my behaviour "histronic". This hurt my feelings.

I can't help doing the things that I do. Most of the time I don't know that I'm doing something wrong. I don't know how to interact with people in healthy ways.

I'm like a small child who never got socialized. I'm sorry I don't know how to fit in and behave like a normal person.

What would you do if you had a borderline personality? Is it hopeless for me? My depressions are severe and real. The pain is horrific, and yet people say I'm being histronic and manipulative.

How would you feel if people called your (very real) suicide threats manipulative? Wouldn't that make you even more suicidal? It does for me.

How do I survive in this world? Where people do not understand?

I'm starting to think it is hopeless for me.

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* have you seen a therapist about this?

[gardenergirl]

Hi GL,
You sound very sad and frustrated. It's not hopeless. You might want to ask your T or someone at the counseling center about dialectical behavior therapy. It's got a very good track record with folks with BPD. Even if you have to go outside of the resources at school, perhaps you could get your parents to help you find a place that does this. You could describe how it focuses on skills training versus the therapy aspect of it.

Take care,

gg

[Estee1]

It's really hard when you feel like people don't understand your pain. Although i can't feel your pain, I know what it's like to be in that place where it feels like the pain is killing you. Where the pain is absolutely unbearable. It's hell. I'm real sorry that you have such terrible pain. It feels as though you can't go on another second in that state and even when you seek people out to try to relieve your pain they can't really take it away. Just talking about it helps somehow though. Maybe not right then but you will be able to look back and see that there were people there who listened. I know it's hard to feel comfort when people say, i know how you feel. That to me does nothing. Sometimes it makes me feel as though they are just making up an excuse to shut me up about how much pain I'm in. I'm sick of pretending that everything is fine when really i am dying inside. I'm really screaming out 'help'.
Sending you hugs and i hope you are able to get good treatment so you can enjoy life.

[jbug]

I have borderline personality disorder. There are times that when I have to call the crisis line at my counseling center I don't think they take me seriously because for awhile I was calling every day. I have now come to a realization that when I need attention I can say I need attention and I'm not getting it instead of going to the ER or calling the crisis line. I was very embarrased today when I had to go the ER for an asthma attack that everyone there knew me. They all commented well its been awhile since we've seen you and I think I turned several shades of red. I don't like having this reputation in the hospital but I figure that's the lot I was dealt with in life and I need to learn to deal with it. If you ever need to talk to some one PM me.

Jbug

[Genevieve]

Hi, GL,

Here's just my perspective, for anything that's worth:

Yes, you can help it.

OK, that's my 'slap to the face to get your attention' opener. Here's the rest:

BEHAVIOR is something you really and truly can do something about. It may be difficult to do something about it. It may not be pleasant to do something about it. It may not be what you want to do, for any number of reasons. But that is not the same thing as being unable to do anything about it.

My guess is that, if you keep that in mind when you read and post, a number of those posts that you find hurtful will taper off. I think that a lot of people get a little feisty when they read what looks to them as someone saying that they just plain won't do anything about their behavior. But that's only a guess on my part.

As for the rest of it, I agree with GG -- Dialectical Behavior Therapy would be worth looking into for you.

Also, I hate to admit it, GL, but everything else that I think would help you, I"ve written to you before. I do not like to see you in pain, and I hope very much that you find some relief for this, but I don't know why you'd 'hear' what I had to say this time, when you haven't before.

Good luck.

[Lou_Pilder]

GL,
You wrote,[...people think I'm a bad person...someone here called my behavior...they hurt my feelings...I can't help doing...I don't know how to...I'm like a small child...I'm sorry I...don't fit...behave...normal....what would you do if....hopeless?...depressions..severe...pain..horrific...and yet people say...how would you feel..?...How do I survive..where people do not understand...it is hopeless...].
I could offer you support from my perspective if you would like
Lou

[Greenleaves]

What exactly do I need to do?

What exactly did I do wrong in the thread that turned against me?

It would help me if someone quoted me and told me exactly how I should have phrased things to make people not hate me.

Maybe I just don't have social skills?? I don't know anymore.

[Greenleaves]

I wish people could accept the way I am.

Do I really hurt people that much with my behaviours?

How come people can't accept me for who I am?

[dpadilla89]

awwww, im sorry about this...i have BPD and i am VERY SIMILAR too you though. so your not alone. if you EVER want to talk, im here..just PM me...

deb

[gardenergirl]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Greenleaves said:
I wish people could accept the way I am.

Do I really hurt people that much with my behaviours?

How come people can't accept me for who I am?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi sweetie,
Not to harp on the DBT thing too much. But what I love about DBT is the balance between acceptance and the possibility for change. I believe that when you feel accepted in yourself and by others for who you are, you are then free to change. I wish that feeling for you.

(((green)))

gg

[Genevieve]

Looking at the same things that GG looked at, I have to say YES to the second -- some of your behaviors on this forum and the other really have hurt people very badly, and very deeply. That's got a lot to do with where things go south for you, GL -- other people have been hurt, and a hurt animal will usually hurt back.

As for what you need to do, I can't help you there. I have made suggestions, though, that I think might help you. There is no hard and fast rule of what will help everyone. We all gotta find it for ourselves.

Therapy, though, would really help you, and maybe beyond what you can access through school. Can they refer you outside their system? Are you covered by any medical insurance? It can be hard to take that first step, and even harder to continue taking those seemingly interminable following steps, but I can't see any way to help change behaviors without it. GG has great advice in this area, so I'd look to her advice.

It seems to me, in reading a lot of your posts, that you ask the same sorts of questions -- why won't other people accept me? Why won't other people like me? Why do other people turn against you? Do you notice anything about that sort of question? It sounds as though you're asking that other people do all the work to get along with you, to accept any behaviors on your part, etc. You also say that you can't do anything about your behavior. Since other people have been hurt by that behavior, can you understand why hearing that you can't do anything about the behavior that hurts them might not be a very popular thing?

Here are a few things I've learned just by getting to be older than you are now:

One of the best skills to learn is to apologize without excuses, explanations, or defensiveness. "I'm sorry my behavior hurt you." End of sentence.

Empathy goes a long way. If I read your posts from my perspective only, I wouldn't be responding to them. When I read your posts, though, I find myself imagining what it might feel like to be in your position, and then I want to respond, and try to help. When someone expresses hurt over something you've posted, can you try to put yourself in his/her place? Try to imagine why you might be hurt by someone else posting the same sort of thing?

Learn the difference between Self, Behavior, Thought, and Emotion. I am a human female. I behave in a certain manner. I think that I am a pretty OK person. And I may not feel much of any of that.

Here's a more concrete example of that:

One of my diagnoses is Anorexia Nervosa. So, I'm a human female who starves herself for psychological reasons. The human female part is pretty well cast in stone -- I am, have been, and ever will be a human female, that is my Self. My behavior, though, is the Anorexia. The Anorexia is not me, it's my behavior. With me so far?

Now my thoughts about my Self and that Behavior are pretty varied, but I Think that normalizing my eating patterns would be good and healhty; I think that the anorexic behaviors are a maladaptive coping strategy that I'm better off without; I think that I can recover and want to recover.

But I FEEL that I AM the anorexia. I FEEL that I AM unable -- totally and completely unable -- to do anything about those behaviors. I FEEL that I AM fat. I Think that I am not, actually, fat, but I do not FEEL that.

So, can you see the differences there and extrapolate them to yourself?

Here's an exercise for you:

Choose something that is a problem for you, like the sorts of problems that have gotten you blocked Over There in the past. Then separate out what is your Self, what your Behavior, etc, in that limited area. Then let's see if that helps you see what I mean about your behavior being within your control?

Try it, K?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

This is awesome advice and support but I don't think it will go anywhere but its great to see it here for someone who may use it......BRILLANT POST ..Very kind and helpful

[Genevieve]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
This is awesome advice and support but I don't think it will go anywhere but its great to see it here for someone who may use it......BRILLANT POST ..Very kind and helpful

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to receive a compliment like that.

On the other hand, I guess I have more confidence in GreenLeaves than you do. I think that, if she reads that post, she very well may benefit from it. If nothing else, it might reassure her that there are people willing to take the time to interact with her, despite some of her more impulsive behavior.

This is one of those places, though, where I think it's very safe for us to agree to disagree on an issue. Don't you think so?

[Greenleaves]

Thanks for your very helpful post! I'm going to try this exercise...

Problem:
Posting things that accuse other people of thinking that I'm a bad person and deserve bad things.

Self:
I'm a 23 year old female student.

Behaviour:
Posting things impulsively that accuse others of wanting bad things to happen to me.

Thought :
People hate me and want bad things to happen to me. People don't like me.

Emotion
Hurt, depressed, usually in significant distress

Reality:
People don't really hate me and don't want bad things to happen to me.

Did I do this right?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Genevieve said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
This is awesome advice and support but I don't think it will go anywhere but its great to see it here for someone who may use it......BRILLANT POST ..Very kind and helpful

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to receive a compliment like that.

On the other hand, I guess I have more confidence in GreenLeaves than you do. I think that, if she reads that post, she very well may benefit from it. If nothing else, it might reassure her that there are people willing to take the time to interact with her, despite some of her more impulsive behavior.

This is one of those places, though, where I think it's very safe for us to agree to disagree on an issue. Don't you think so?



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You are very welcome and IMO your post should in the most part be posted as a sticky post in this area its very good..Yes lol we can agree to disagree. ....I think ANYTHING CAN happen...However TIME MUCH TIME will tell..I always hope for the best for anyone

[Greenleaves]

SleepWithButterflies...

Are you saying that there is NO hope for me?

This makes me sad.

How can I get better knowing that there is no hope for me?

[Genevieve]

Here's another exercise for you, GL:

When you read a post and then feel as though there's no hope for you, or even just that some people don't think that you're going to change, can you try to remember that other people post to you with the attitude that you can change? Or maybe that some people who post to you show sympathy, empathy, protective impulses, and generally DON'T say that you're bad?

It can be hard, because somehow the negatives get through our filters in a way that the positives don't.

Fact remains, though, that there have been some very supportive posts to you here, and yet you're reacting to the ONE that isn't.

As for your exercise, good first effort, now keep it going. You are more than just that 23 year old student, right? You probably have more in the feelings and thoughts area, too.

Explore them. Either here, or -- preferably -- with a good therapist.

Good luck.

Petunia

[dottie]

Greenleaves you haven't hurt me. I rather, think that you are just annoying to some folks some or all of the time.

Try to entend yourself, and just think about being helpful & kind. Can't go wrong there!

TGC

[sara1010]

I have read some of Green's postings and I can empathize with her. I must point out that the emotions she is feeling are those of a child's. Think about it, a 3 yr old in a playground walks up to another 3 yr old whome they've never met, offers their toy to them to get them interested in playing together. The 2nd child stares for a moment and then slaps the offered toy away, sticks his tongue out, or goes to smack child #1, and then stomps off. So what does #1 do? Gets hurt feelings of course. Rejection, pain, overwhelms him. There must be something wrong with me and so the pain is turned inward. When this happens to a child often enough in that criticle time, specially with a parent, the rejected child begins to lash out before anyone can hurt them, and so the reaction they get after being horrible with their subject proves to them they are not ok and don't deserve anything better. This is how I see GreenL. You have pain but you don't know where it is. You want to make the pain real and justify why people don't like you so you can retain the familiar feelings that are near and dear to your heart. I'm not saying you like them, what I'm saying is that these feelings are the only things that you can accept as 'real'.

[Genevieve]

That's a very interesting way of looking at it, Lee. Thank you for sharing it.

Often we do find ourselves evoking the feelings we learned early, no matter how unpleasant, just because they're familiar. (For me, hunger feels familiar and good. It's something I remember from my childhood, and so it's familiar and feels safe.)

So, GL, here's another assignment for you: find a new feeling. Explore it.

Here's even a suggestion for you:

You've posted numerous times now about people being against you, right? GG has posted some good advice to you, and I've posted to you a number of times, I hope showing that I'm not against you. I have a lot of respect and admiration for GG, and think some people might feel I have something to offer, too. So you've got two smart women posting supportively to you. What does that feel like for you? Don't just think in terms of 'good' or 'cool' or anything easy like that. Think, "it's a warm feeling, centered around my lower rib cage, kinda like the muscles there are loosening a bit after being tense for a long time. At the same time, though, it's unfamiliar, so I feel some anxiety about it, which I feel mostly in my shoulders.." Or whatever it is for you. (I was thinking how I would feel if someone like GG wrote something nice about me here. That's about what it feels like when I imagine it.)

Go on. How does that unfamiliar feeling feel to you?

Two good posts!

Thank you both for your insight.

Petunia

[Lou_Pilder]

GL,
When you read the responses for support to you, could you read the following and then I would like to post from my perspective about support for you.
Lou
http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/fallacies_list.html