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Me too...

bought myself a thumb ring today that says "faith" and on the inside it says "walk by faith not by sight" seemed so appropriate for me right now as I am seeing everything so distorted. hard time believing if i am seeing what is "real" or if it is just flashes of past. I have to have faith that i can "see" what is real and that "sight" is not always reality.......if that makes any sense?????

anyway--this wearing a ring other than my wedding band is new to me. but as a thumb ring i will see it more often than on my ring finger A reminder to not take all i "see" in this distorted place i am in right now as reality.......

really working on the getting out of the place i am in right now......

In Peace, ST, my brother
Catherine

I'm late, but wow, so powerful Catherine. I visit here a lot, rarely with the strength to post. I think my life was 100 times easier when I remained in denial. Now that I've had to confront (literally face to face with my abusers) my past, I'm just a wreck, a total freaking wreck. I have no understanding of the world around me.
ScaredSad,
Thank you for posting! There is strength in numbers, everyone here is experiencing about the same thing...we are just in different spots.
Your feelings are understandable! Confrontation of any kind is nerve wracking, doing so with an abuser is stunning in its' affect on us.
You would be a saint if you had any understanding of it right now...you are human, a good and wonderful one. Nothing about your situation is going to make much sense for awhile.
I'm 30, and it's like everything I had up until now is gone and I don't know how to get it back because it shattered. My home, my career, my friendships... I'm just stalled feeling like I have to rebuild based on this new awareness.
SacredSad, you are going to have to rebuild because so much was shattered. You don't have to do it all at one, though.
Can you be kind enough to yourself and not rush into this?
I'm sick to my stomach with it tonight.
Are you feeling any better?
Thanks again for articulating what I don't have the words to express. Thanks to everyone else who shared on this board as well
SacredSad, those words were heard by a hurting heart, ready to hear them.
I admire your steadfastness in finding the path that is right for you...right for you and not anyone else. Please take your time to find its' beginning.

P.S. All beat-up-ourselves bats are left for the FedEx man.
Daily pickup; hourly if needed.

In Peace, ScaredSad, in peace

[quote=white_iris;1095908]bought myself a thumb ring today that says "faith" and on the inside it says "walk by faith not by sight" seemed so appropriate for me right now as I am seeing everything so distorted. hard time believing if i am seeing what is "real" or if it is just flashes of past. I have to have faith that i can "see" what is real and that "sight" is not always reality.......if that makes any sense?????
It makes perfect sense to me, white_iris.
Your idea about the ring, and the wording, is wonderful! What a novel and kind way to remind yourself to take care of you.
Reminding yourself to have faith in your instincts and then acting on that instinct is impressive...honest and direct.
Not many people are willing to do this, I'm glad you are one...it teaches us to seek ways to help us.
Thank you.
anyway--this wearing a ring other than my wedding band is new to me. but as a thumb ring i will see it more often than on my ring finger A reminder to not take all i "see" in this distorted place i am in right now as reality.......
Perhaps it's going to help you more than you know...the act of wearing it and your willingness to challenge possible distortions is a helluva big step, jmo.
really working on the getting out of the place i am in right now......
You are doing some really hard work, white_iris.
Please remember, though, to give yourself permission to laugh, too.

In Peace

Warped humor showing...but

my email had a spam one with this title:
"GasFairy Exclusive."
sorry but all I could picture was a grouchy old man hiding beans in everyone's drink of choice, where they melted, and did their thing

'course beans don't affect everyone the same way

the other spam had some real winners...stuff I didn't know ya could buy online
and
how did they get me email addy?

Gas Fairy.....in the classroom?.............as he raises his hand....and is called on......and asks a question........Can I open the door and windows?

as he,himself.......lets one rippppp!.......and says.......god that felt good.....

one less severe abdominal pain to feel.....due to IBS.............

as he invites the little grumpy man with little wings on his back floating...flying around the class dropping poooof beans in everybodys drink of choice to help them feel a little better...........

ooohhhh only if you want......of course........me?.......he can drop some of those putt putt beans in my coffee anytime!

laughter is the best



Hunny

Susan with hands covering eyes thinking that If I can't see them....they can't see me.....

Susan,

You are seen and appreciated, no matter what and you didn't do anything wrong. You are visible so the those that care for you can and do till you can care for yourself.



Hunny

Susan,
It's ok to close your eyes whenever you are weary physically or mentally...sometimes we just need to rest a bit.
but
We are still going to look out for you, stand by you/stand with you.
You are not alone; we did chase away sorry butt things/people that were bothering you.

In Peace

Back to my wandering thoughts...

When I mentioned the GasFairy, a grouchy old man, I was envisioning "Walter," one of the characters created by Jeff Dunham, the ventriloquist.
I was read an article stating that he was now one of the top ten comics...
YouTube has many of his performances, from early ones to some of the current ones.

Don't ya wish I would come to the point?

Watching his performances over the years via YouTube, it struck me how far he had come; his act was polished and he was much more comfortable.
...started me thinking

How far have I come in say the last ten years? Am I more polished and comfortable?

Obviously, yes and no.
My issues--mercy, how I hate that word!-have changed in ways I didn't expect, so that fortune teller was wrong.

Yeah, I've come a long way.
Although getting blindsided sometimes, in general I am in a better state of mind.
Not all the time, but most of the time. My good days finally outnumber the sad ones.
Although I hate hitting those brick walls, somewhere in the mess that is me when they happen, there is a persistent little voice that tells me I will feel better.

One of the things that has only slightly improved is my rapid response to beating myself up when something goes wrong. Responding more slowly would be grand...
It's my belief that it's more common today to be in a rush to do many things, that taking your time makes you a slacker.
Does that make sense?
If it is promoted and approved, it's ok for little girls to wear makeup at age 3.5, little boys to be the super star of the little league (damn well better be says the daddy), daddy has to work 159 hours a week 'cause of big bills, mommas work in and outside the home, scorn the woman who stays at home with the kids, and oh boy, pity the man who elects to be the stay at home...
Went around my elbow to get to
This type of frenzied activity slides very easily into our minds when it comes to feeling better, jmo.

We will be criticized if we don't get over it soon enough, do it our way (non-compliant), etc..
add in your own experiences
perhaps we end up battling outside sources nearly as much as we struggle with internal things.

I don't want to buy into the You Be Too Slow
Quickly take the blame; Using The Bat
Realizing too late that I fell for old ways

It might be only 11 minutes before I assume I'm to blame for everything, but it's so much better than the former 11 seconds.

In Peace

My thanks to everyone for taking the time to post, read, and offer support.

I've learned so much from everyone...

Class is out

In Peace,
Catherine

Class out?
Hey... I just got here!
What the heck?
I already wrote this so I'm posting it anyway.

OK so... I wrote a post early Sunday. Then a little later I took my wife to the grocery store. I was stopping to drop her off at the front door of the store when... Wham, I hit something, what the****. Couldn't see anything, there was nothing there to hit... except for my own front wheel.. ARGH. Broken ball joint. At least I was almost stopped, the damage wasn't to bad..
So I spent the last couple days fixing my crumpled fender and replacing both ball joints, and then I get back here, and in the mean time 40+ new posts, yikes.

I know a little bit about about some of you, and apart from Phoenix7, I don't know if any of you know anything about me. Just so you know a bit about me.

Introduction "The whole picture” Well... the beginning at least.

The reason for posting the picture was to show you my lost dream “now found”. My life was great. I had a better understanding of friendship than any other kid that I knew. Three and a half years after that picture was taken I witnessed a robbery at my local drug store. There was a real gun and it was pointed at a lady that I really cared about. I only recalled the moment about a month and half ago, that's forty six years later. I could remember the robbery in detail, except for the split second that I looked at her. The look on her face went beyond description, it went beyond reason. Her eyes: She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted help, she wanted to run away, all at the same time, but she looked like she was frozen in time. She was caught in the moment, and there was nothing I could do. When I turned to run from the doorway it was like falling through the looking glass into the land of terror,... just like that,... beyond understanding. It cut through me like a knife. That was it, my trauma, there were so many other things that stacked up on top, but that was when it happened. A second of my life, and it all changed.

Every so often my mother would be looking through old photographs and she'd look at that picture and smile and she'd ask me: What ever happened to my little Paladin? I'd just shrug, I couldn't look at it, I couldn't think about it, it hurt too much.
I started remembering who I really am about two and a half years ago, when I had my day of reckoning. “That's a story for another day”.

When I went looking for an avatar, I wanted something that represented the real me. The first thing that popped into my mind was that picture. So I dug it out and scanned it and fixed it, “It was not happy” and there you have the whole picture and with it, a little bit about me.

Quote:

For me, but also for everyone who takes one more trembling step, cautious with our hopes, wary it's going to be an added disappointment...and we do it anyway

Um, I'm not like that anymore.
See,... I don't really fit into the class. Maybe I could be a guest speaker or something like that.
I'm beyond trembling steps and disappointment in myself. I've learned to grow again.

Quote:

We will be criticized if we don't get over it soon enough, do it our way (non-compliant), etc.. add in your own experiences perhaps we end up battling outside sources nearly as much as we struggle with internal things.

Outside sources who really don't understand are stuck thinking inside the box.

Quote:

I don't want to buy into the You Be Too Slow Quickly take the blame; Using The Bat Realizing too late that I fell for old ways

“Thinking outside the box”
Take that bat and beat the crap out of the box. Actually any old cardboard box will do, just fill it with old newspaper. Sure beats punching walls.
Like I said before: Send the critics my way, I have a way with words.

Has the class been reading Ally's Dream? I think it should be a required course.

Phoenix7 wrote:
“At the beginning of the thread”

Quote:

looking in the mirror - something she did not often do because she never liked what she saw - she saw the tired eyes of a survivor, a fighter, someone who would see this through and not give in

“In her last entry”

Quote:

Ally looked in the mirror and didn't like what she saw. There was no light in her eyes - no smile breached her lips - she looked as she felt - cold and hard like tempered steel.

I remember feeling like that, well more like scared rusted tin.

Quote:

Ally turned away from the mirror - she would not look again - she knew who she was - and who she had always been - and there was no changing that - no going back and no saving the little girl inside.

Such a change in perspective. I'm thinking that maybe it was the little girl looking in the mirror this time.
Final verse “Rush” War Paint. Girls and boy's together, Paint the mirror black, (The mirror always lies).

Our true reflections can only be seen in the eyes of others.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

class cant be closed - this is a sanctuary - sanctuaries do not close - Ally would be here telling everyone that we shoul stand together as one - that that is what we ahve been doing and we need to keep doing it - I dont know whats going on Catherine2 (which isnt unusual for me) .......I dont know why you want to close the class when it is helping so many - when you have helped so many

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((catherine2))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

PM me if I can help - Pm me if I am the problem - just PM me if I can do anything ok

thanks P7...I appreciate your kind words.

summer vacation then?

It's just me, no one else is the problem. I've been on overload for a few weeks...
A part of me is grieving and there's no one thing that I can address.
Different things have been a parade marching through my life.

It makes me think of this little tidbit, just one of the variations that make the rounds.

"Two people were vying for a prize although they were not told what that prize was.
They were sent to different rooms and told to look for it.
The rooms were nearly ceiling high in crap.

The first person moaned and groaned about it; "I'll never find that damn prize! Look at this frigging mess...who the heck thought of this stupid contest anyway?!
And with that, they withdrew from the contest.

The second person had entered their room at the same time.
Reflecting on the massive crap in this room,they made a request:
"Quick! Give me a shovel! With all this crap, there's gotta be a pony in here!!"

Optimist vs pessimist?

Right now my shovel is the size of those plastic ones found in a child's bundle to be used at the beach.
I know my little plastic shovel will grow stronger as I use it...turning into a wonderfully strong and beautiful one.

Impatience is not the headliner right now; weariness is.
Processing what has happened is going slowly, and this is all right.
Renewing my energy is inch by inch, but it's still forward movement.

In Peace

...............

Courage is reckoned the greatest of all virtures; because, unless a man(woman) has that virtue he has no security for preserving any other......~Samual Johnson


...........patience is a virture..............


................

ya know that ppl have dug their way out of prison using nothing but a flimsy spoon? hey, we're here to do what we can to help you find the "pony".
i've got a room full of crap too and a spoon---it'll take awhile, but i think it can be done......and if you really don't mind getting "up to your elbows" hands work well

you are loved and cared for
and if you need a bit of summer vacation, ok, but remember to stop in.

Summer vacation is going to be in England. I've friends there who will put up with me while they put me up. I'll call from my cell before I knock on their door
It's a mental vacation, but just as beautiful to me.

...I'm on a pity pot (not to be confused with the kind of pot a pony should use)(can ponies be trained to use pots?)
(I didn't require training for my pot use)

I'm being belligerent and pouting.
Give me physical pain, or give me emotional pain.
Damn, don't give me both.
Ok, I've already had both. It doesn't get easier. Of course not...this is one of those times that experience does not count.

hey, let's chuck it all and meet at the beach and roast wieners and toast marshmallows...this time I'm bring the regular size ones and not the miniatures....they were an itch with a capital B to roast the last time.

I'm 30 days out from the last surgery. I want to run through my meadow half naked--it's a natural deterrent to rednecks roaring by in their trucks and ATVs.
I am a legend; Big Foot has nothing on Big...B or Bs.

I am ungrateful in many ways. The infection in my leg is gone along with the PICC, my companion.
I royally tinkled off my ortho because I removed the staples myself, and told him if he didn't shave his legs before seeing me then why did he expect me to do it?
Besides, I like curly hair.

Ok, bit of fresh air, gonna buy a bigger spoon, maybe the hot GA sun will dry some of the crap.
Grumbled enough, didn't I?!

How is everyone doing?
Anybody graduate?
Did I miss a graduation party?

deep desire to ease the pain
theirs, mine, ours
rushing around looking for a cure
ain't no cure, ain't no cure
look again
curing is for hams
caring is for humans
collision - bouncing off each other
strange pinball game
seeking safety
others want more for us
then we know to want for ourselves
we settle low
'cause our eyes are looking at the ground
look too high, miss what is looking at us
keep at least 12 inches in the present
inhale/exhale
what goes in also goes out
food, water, head games too
what went in is threading through my maze
leave the ow in a corner
take the oh wow with me

In Peace

ok have my shovel - and thats not me in the pic ok

ready and willing to help

I loved your prose. (((((((((((((((catherine2)))))))))))))))))))))))

sitting on the pity pot is ok we all go there at times - sometimes you have to whinge and b-itch and moan jsut to get past it - feel free - this i the place - we are listening

Here is a pic to help you with your vacation.... by the way ...check your case .... there may be a few of us in there lol

Another example of why it's so important for us, to us
to understand that we don't have to go it alone.

(((FP)))
holding you in my thoughts

Going to print out your original post for my therapist. It says the truth.

For those of you who can't cry--I've cried for you, believe me. At my DBT group if there are new people I have to warn them when I introduce myself that I am "a cryer." Just cry & cry & cry--though getting better...